O HODO, O HODO, where are thou, O HODO?

Hola peeps. Yo….man, screw it. Don’t have time for Spanish salutation today. U see I’m like that xter in NETWORK, I am mad at the world and not gonna take it anymore. I have been in Lagos for a week now and..and….maybe I just wish I had a mean streak.

In all honesty I think this Malcolm X part of me was birthed two Saturdays ago. Was on the R.I.G. watching the Man City vs Arsenal game with the mere mortals when Arsenal kept missing chance after chance. Worst culprit was Thierry Henry and as a captain he’da known better. I left before the game wrapped up (okay, it was just as the ref was about to blow his whistle. Hey, I am an eternal optimist!) and spent the next hour walking on the helideck and trying to psyche myself into not caring about a football game. I already had a blog title in my head: Thierry Henry is a punk ass punk and Arsene Wenger should be flogged for humouring him and was gonna vent and vent and vent. Harsh I know, but I needed a way to fight this pain of underachievement by my football team. Chris Evans’ xter in LONDON exclaimed, “U’d think with all these years of medical science they’da found a way to take the edge off a chick leaving u.” The pain I felt was comparable to ending a relationship with a chick u still dig – more on that later…as if y’all weren't expecting relationship gist – and the worst thang is there’s nada u can do about it. I have tried watching Arsenal games with a jersey on, without a jersey, with a t-shirt, with long sleeve shirt and a finger up a nostril for the entire game, but still I cannot seem to bring them good luck. Maybe I really should try watching a game naked as a last resort. Obviously that would be done in the privacy of my own home.

As usual I sought to blame someone – aside from Thierry punk Henry who has made the pain worse by scoring for France against Italy on Wednesday – for this loss.

Man, why did I waste 2 hrs of my life on that game? I’da been sleeping. Goodness knows since I’ve returned to the R.I.G. sleep deprivation’s 100 times worse than last R.I.G. tour. The bags under my eyes are so huge Dolce & Gabbana might soon come calling for inspiration. I have tried everything: cucumbers, cold tea bags, orange peels, sticking finger up nostril, but nada seems to aid in reducing these huge ass bags. Maybe sleep’s the answer. I know it is. But with other instructors scared to show up ‘cos of MEND folk and the like I am forced to take on extra classes and only garner 3 hrs sleep a nite.

Man, these MEND folk are making matters worse. I know they do their usual kidnapping thang, but now they have spawned a number of copycat punks and that’s what’s pissing me off. The other day the chef couldn’t make some chocolate cake ‘cos some MEND-wannabes held up the barge with our provisions. It’s one thing to stike fear into folk it’s another to mess with the A.D.S’s sweet tooth. Oooh, they in trouble if I get my hands on them. Speaking of hands who is that paddling a canoe at this time of the night? Is that…..no, it cannot be, I must be hallucinating. NO, I AM NOT. THAT’S A WOMAN!

Just when I was getting used to the absence of women for another 2 week stint I see 2 women paddling a canoe to the army houseboat – yes, even underground dance institutions need protection from the Niger Delta militants. I don on my Sherlock Homeboy hat and go snooping. I discover that this canoe service is a nightly occurrence. Under the cover of darkness chicks paddle from the nearest village to provide a, er, service to the military folk and anyone who knows the score. Then, furtively they depart about 5am to return later in the night. Guess that satisfies my curiosity as to why the military folk are always smiling ear to ear. Unlike moi who can only take 2 weeks at a time on the R.I.G. they spend 6 weeks before their replacements come in, and even then they never seem keen to leave. I guess this explains why.

Further investigation revealed these chicks have read a few management books in their time ‘cos they provide a one-stop shopping experience for their clients. I hear along with their bodies they also sell recharge cards and other contraband like alcohol. This has motivated me to get off my lazy bum and get to sorting out my t-shirts and other ideas festering in my head. Did I tell y’all I always wanted to get into the entertainment industry? I can’t sing to save my life and I’m too fly for Nollywood so I reckon my inroad would be in the background, maybe as a writer-director. If I’m being honest I feel Nigeria’s ripe for a news satire along the lines of HAVE I GOT NEWS FOR U and THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART TUNDE. This is bound to get youth interested in political shenanigans and already got the pilot episode worked out of a SPITTING IMAGE-type show for Nigeria where OBJ’s xter is styled after M in the James Bond movies, Nuhu Ribadu is Bond, Atiku is Blofeld, Jerry Gana is Jafar the royal vizier from Aladdin, and Femi Fani-Kayode is a bobblehead doll that keeps nodding his approval no matter what OBJ says to him. Hilarious, right? Problem is this being Nigeria and with the spate of political violence u might just hear that the creator of the Nigeria’s favourite show was found dead and the autopsy’s revealed he died from self-inflicted wounds caused by burrowing his fingers in his nostrils. Ha huh ha huh ha huh. Screw it, u only live once. If y’all know of any TV stations that wouldn’t mind being shut down and their staff accused of sedition for airing my show then please get in touch with me.

I think an even better idea might be to purchase camcorders for activist youth in all states of the nation and ask them to film what’s on ground in preparation for election in 2007; this way we won’t fall for the usual political legerdemain that seems to be the norm in this country. We’ll concentrate our efforts on incumbent governors who feel they have the mettle to run this great country of ours and task them on what the youth observed as lacking. This idea came to me after discussions with some dude from Bayelsa. I asked him if what we (rest of Nigerians) had heard about the erstwhile governor Alams was true. (Hey, I also have a realty TV idea for The Alams family along the lines of The Osbournes. Man, the Naija political scene’s a goldmine.) Dude affirmed that at least 99% of it was on the money (geddit? geddit? Aw, forget yous) and Alams basically ran the place like it was his piggy bank. Why then did it take the rest of Nigerians that long to find out what he was up to? If the Fourth Estate cannot do a proper job then it’s up to the populace to make sure no more Alamses rule in 2007.

Read an interview with a governor from the East who has aspirations of ruling this country in 2007. Dude was asked why the commercial capital of his state is regarded as the dirtiest city in Nigeria. Dude replied that he’s found it hard to penalize the citizenry for pollution as he cannot force people to do what they don’t want to and besides – here’s the kicker – he resides in a different city which is quite clean. U what? Serious. This is akin to asking George Bush why the levees broke in New Orleans and he responding with, “Well, I live in D.C. and Texas where no levees are damaged so it ain’t my fault.” Believe me Kanye West wouldn’t be only American outraged at this.

Work news: As y’all musta figured by now I took up the offer to return to the R.I.G. for another 2 weeks as A.D.S. This time I made sure they had exercise equipment so I’d not need to work as hard as last time to gain my rock hard six-pack. Things were mostly same as last time only had to work longer hours and slept an average of 4 hours a night. Definitely not enuff beauty sleep. Also took on more responsibility and improved my people skills immensely. Once I had to intervene when folk in one room decided to beat up some guy ‘cos he snored so loudly he woke up everyone else up while he slept like a baby.

Got to work with some new folk and the most noteworthy xter is some Canadian who looks and laffs like Mr. Burns in The Simpsons. If u thot I had a blasé attitude to life u’d meet this guy; dude’s so laid back he’s almost horizontal. Best thang about him is he’s got a wicked sense of humor. Peep this: we both saw a 70-yr old instructor who looks 80 and Mr. Burns remarked, “That guy’s so old he looks like he’s got one foot in the grave……and the other on a banana peel.” Lol…..I laff for days anytime I recall that conversation.

Was glad when I had to leave the R.I.G. ‘cos needed to catch some zzzzzzzzzzzz. Would I be returning soon? Let’s just say I’ll take maybe 5-6 weeks off to recuperate from having no sleep. The food? Same ol’ same ol’. Guess not as giddy about it as I once was. Why? I quote Christian Troy from NIP/TUCK: “For every stunning chick u see there’s some dude who’s tired of sleeping with her.” In less-complicated non-TV xter terms, I’m not as chuffed about it as I once was. Blame it on Arsenal’s profligacy in front of goal.

PH news: Can’t tell y’all much as only spent a night in PH after I returned from the R.I.G. As I planned to travel to Lagos the next day I packed my stuff and headed to a mate’s house so the cab driver – yes, I now have a reliable cab driver – we share could drop me off where I’d get a bus to Owerri airport. I’d forgotten I had made appointments to see both my surrogate younger sister (SYS) in PH – a long story, I’ll tell y’all some other time – and some chick I’d met at that wedding party I told y’all about a few blog entries ago. So when SYS called I told her to meet me at my mate’s and then this other chick returned my call. (Okay in all honesty I didn’t call this other chick ‘til late ‘cos knew she had a curfew – no, she’s not in secondary school – and didn’t feel up to hanging out that night.)

Chick: Tunde, u know it’s raining and I can’t get a cab in this weather. Besides, u know my curfew starts in 30 minutes.
Tunde (feigning ignorance): Aw shucks. I am so sorry. Guess we’ll see when I get back to PH in 5 weeks time. So sorry.
Chick: I’ll see if I can get a cab.
Tunde: Are u sure? U know it’s raining out there and cabs are scarce.
Chick: Or don’t u wanna hang out anymore.
Tunde (wishing he had a mean streak in him): Er, er, well since I already promised we’d hang out. Lemme know if u can get a cab.

So I go back to hanging with SYS when chick calls.
Chick: Tunde, it’s past my curfew and I can’t get a cab.
Tunde (feeling awful with himself): I am so sorry. I promise I’ll make it up to u whn I get back to town.

An hour later chick calls again.
Chick: I’ve got a cab. Where do u say u are again?
Tunde: I thought u said u had a curfew.
Chick: Yeah, but when I went back home my roommates said I looked too good not to go out so I got a cab.
Tunde (secretly raining abuses on said roommates): I see. The address is ____________

Chick shows up 30 minutes later and I am about to pay the cab driver when she asks how she’s gonna get back home.
Tunde: U what?
Chick: How am I gonna get back home tonight?
Tunde: I told u I am leaving for airport first thing tomorrow morning and as such I’ve sent my cab driver home. It’s friggin’ 10.30pm and here’s the boondocks. Can’t u stay in one of my mate’s rooms and after cab drops me off tomorrow and takes my mate to work he can drop u off?
Chick: No, I didn’t plan for that. U see I am with the key to the house and my roommates have no way to get in if I stay the night.
Tunde: So u came ‘cos of…….?
Chick: Er, I dunno. I thot ur cab driver would still be around.

Needless to say I put her back in the cab she came with and sent her home. Why did she bother showing up in the first place if all she wanted to do was to show off her ‘I look too good’ outfit for a minute and head back home? Surely she’da sent me a photo via email or MMS or something.

Travel news: Got on bus travelling from PH to Owerri ‘cos PH airport’s still closed and from what I hear it might take ‘til December before it gets fixed. Just great. Guess I’ll have to reduce number of trips I make to Lagos. The bus passes thru Aba on way to the airport and I am keen to see if this really is Nigeria’s dirtiest city. I don’t notice much outta the ordinary, maybe ‘cos I was asleep thru most of the journey or ‘cos we didn’t drive thru the inner city. I suppose I’d have to wait ‘til I get a camcorder to an indigene of the place to find out the true extent of government malaise in this city. What I did notice though was the number of petrol stations with no petrol. Being a pump attendant in Aba must be the most boring paid job ever. All u do is show up daily and sit on ur butt while doing an Indian dance for the fuel truck to come by.

Got to Owerri airport and it’s crazy tiny. An alien could tell this airport wasn’t equipped to handle this sorta air traffic. It was like a friggin’ market in there and no goodlooking chicks to convince me to jump on a crap airline so I took one of the established ones.

Yeah, almost forgot to mention that dad’s mate (from last blog entry) called me while on the bus from PH. Dude chided me for not calling that Itsekiri chick and promised I’d call her upon my arrival in Lagos. Man, I need a mean strike. I am tired of being nice.

Dad’s mate: Tunde, I felt disappointed u didn’t call that chick. When she saw me she almost called me a liar for promising her u’d call.
Tunde (lying thru his teeth): It’s not so, sir. U see I lost the number and…..
Dad’s mate: Okay, here it is. Make sure u take it down this time. I don’t wanna set u guys up. I dunno, maybe u guys could be friends. I told her about u ‘cos I know u are a nice guy who’s responsible and….
Tunde (thinking to himself, “man, this guy sure knows how to flatter someone. He musta heard I am a sucker for stuff like that. Man, I need to be more ruthless and stop falling for shit like this. Kinda reminds me of that chick in the ATL who wanted me to sign up to some dating agency and I ended up getting fleeced for hundreds of dollars. Lol….I am such a sucker. I must admit I was looking like a mack in my brown leather jacket the day she approached me. Oh well, I’ll give this Itsekiri chick a call when I get to Lagos. What's the worst that can happen?“)

Lagos news: Been in Lagos for over a week now and still haven’t seen samples of the t-shirts that chick’s supposed to make. Man, why can’t folk be straight with timelines? I hope it’s worth the wait though. I’m off to Warri tomorrow and will be there for 5 weeks. Was recommended to instruct a class of newbies. First the R.I.G. and now this; I suppose there’s no rest for the talented, huh?

Highlight of week spent in Lagos? Family. Man, I love these folk to death and if I’m being honest the t-shirt thang is not the only reason I come to Lagos whenever I get the chance. While bursting each other’s chops on Tuesday – Loye was the butt of most jokes, again – I thanked God for having brothers like these. I must also ask God to forgive us as conversation wasn’t the straight-laced kind. Glad we had the conversation ‘cos had felt guilty the night before that I wasn’t passing on good morals to Loye.

Monday: Loye’s cutting my hair after Kinzo’s and he picks on me for hanging with some chick.

Loye: So that chick came to see u yesterday?
Tunde: She’s just my friend, dude. U know nada happened.
Kinzo: Yeah, they all ur friends. Dude, u code too much. I can’t vouch for u as u don’t admit anything.
Loye: Lol…it’s true. I always told u that chick had long term plans for u. That’s the way she acts. I’m sure subconsciously she made u break up with ur ex.
Tunde: Lol…..that’s ludicrous. U know me better than that.
Loye: Whatever. How’s ur ex anyways? Do y’all still talk?
Tunde: She cool. We talk, but we at that point in a relationship where we don’t know what to say to each other and conversation revolves around, “so how’s work? Er, family?” U know, it’s stilted conversation. So I’d rather avoid it and call only now and then.
Loye: So u don’t miss her at all? Man, u hard. U actually worse than Kinzo.

Tuesday: Woke up with last night's conversation still ringing in my head. Wished I’d go back to last night and respond to Loye's last statement. Why didn’t I? I dunno, guess I just assumed he would follow the cycle of Odeyemi male relationships and discover stuff for himself. The closest I ever came to the-birds-and-the-bees talk was when oldest bro Tayo told us (Kinzo, Ayo and I) about the “talk” he’d had with dad when he was younger.

Dad: Tayo, come into the room. We, er, need to talk.
Tayo (thinking to himself, “oh no, not the ‘talk’”): Sure, sir. What do u, er, wanna talk about?
Dad: Er, er, just, er, want to know if ur, er, thing reacts when u see a woman.
Tayo (almost gagging from having to restrain himself from laffing): My thing?
Dad (sweating profusely): U know, ur private part.
Tayo: Oh. Sure. It, er, reacts sometimes when I see a woman.
Dad (now beaming from ear to ear, while patting Tayo on the back): Good. Good. That’s my son. U may leave now.

Goodness knows this ain’t the way to go and woulda loved to have asked Tayo questions I had about the opposite sex when I was younger. If I’d have the conversation with Loye again I’d let him know that after being in a relationship where y’all talk on the phone at least 2ice a day and see each other almost daily one is bound to miss the other person when they split up. Problem is one has to also learn to keep their distance as proximity to the ex might rekindle old feelings and moving on would be even more difficult.
I’d tell him that there’s no magic pill that would help one move on quickly and one’d have to bide their time. I’d give him funny anecdotes from past relationships and what’s worked and what didn’t.
I’d tell him that the best way to get over an ex is to be selfish. That’s right. Forget about what she wants; think about what u want and how u feel. If she wants to remain friends and talk as normal and u know that this would affect u adversely don’t try to be a nice guy, tell her plainly that it wouldn’t work for u. If u feel like calling her, do so. Don’t worry about what friends say or if society says calling her might be a sign of weakness. Do what makes u happy and u’d move on sooner than if u locked up emotions inside to conform to what a “man” should do.
I’d tell him the quickest way to get over an ex is to hook her up with a mate of urs or an acquaintance u knew always fancied her. This way they’d both feel guilty when they see u and the looks on their faces would be priceless. If he doesn’t buy it I’d be more specific and give him names of an ex I hooked up. Dude I hooked her up with is no longer with the chick but still feels guilty and got me a cake when I was leaving the UK. Also helped me transport some luggage from the UK. I’d however caution him that one’d only enjoy perks of hooking ex up if it’s an ex one no longer have feelings for.

An opportunity later arose with which to pass on these words of wisdom….well, kinda. While having pineapples the following conversation ensued.

Kinzo: Yellow, so where u been all day? I thot u were supposed to be catching up on some beauty sleep.
Tunde: Went to the Island to drop off some documents and saw former boss I’d a crush on. She said hello to me. She actually talked to me!!!!
Kinzo: Stupid punk.
Tunde: Lol…afterwards I went to a mate’s house. She just got a new place and I went to see it.
Kinzo: That ur new bitch now?
Tunde: Haba. She’s just a friend.
Kinzo: There u go again.
Tunde: Nah, u know I’d tell u guys. Ask Loye he knows the chick and knows we just friends.
Kinzo: I see. Loye, so how’s ur chick?
Loye (downcast, but trying to look cheerful): We broke up.
Tunde (thinking to himself, “so that’s why he asked that question yesterday; maybe I can be more forthcoming with him this time.”): U serious? Sorry mate. She looked like a nice bingo.
Kinzo: Don’t tell me u ended this relationship as well ‘cos of ur ex in the UK. If it is I’ll kill u.
Loye: No, no, it’s not ‘cos of that. Chick said I don’t care ‘cos she asked me to come by her house on Sunday and I said I’d not. Dunno what this chick wants. I work 5 days a week and have classes weekends. Not withstanding, I went to her’s Friday after work and on Saturday as well. I needed to rest on Sunday, yet she says I don’t care and suggested we break up.
Jide: That’s how my girlfriend also got pissed on Monday when she said I didn’t see her ‘cos it was her birthday. I went to the dentist for goodness sake ‘cos of my aching tooth. She then took it to another level by asking if I’m the only one with a toothache. She offered to come over but told her not to ‘cos of the crazy traffic. I’m trying to be considerate to her and all I got was pain in my arse.
Tunde: Lol….well, my girlfriend also…….oops, sorry about that. I had an ex who wanted to see me often as well and she wouldn’t get that sometimes it was inconvenient for me. Hey, I guess sacrifice from both sides is required. For instance what Ike used to do for Kemi when he’d go thru traffic from Festac to VI and go thru traffic from VI to Apapa just ‘cos she had no ride from work. I don’t think I’d do that. Too much stress. I’d rather drop bucks for a cab. I mean chick’s gotta be considerate as well.
Kinzo (clearing his throat like a wise old man apart to impart some wisdom): Loye, u see ur problem is u love too easily.
Loye: No, I don’t. I can be….
All: Shut up!
Loye: Lol…okay, okay.
Kinzo (back in his element): U’d stop treating girls as if they are eggs. Girls are ruthless. Lemme tell u about…..

Kinzo then goes on to regale us with tales of recent infidelities by close associates. The highlights were a mate of his who loves recording sexual encounters on his camera phone and his latest conquest is engaged to be married to some other guy; and another close married mate who’s sleeping with his ex (who is also married), but get this: the ex’s husband has 3 sisters who know what their sister-in-law is up to but don’t say squat ‘cos they also cheating on their husbands. Yup, quite an endorsement for marriage.

Tunde: Lol…..do u have any friends in happy marriages?
Kinzo: Lol….yeah, some appear to be………but maybe I’d say we haven’t heard anything yet.
Tunde: Lol..…Loye, don’t listen to him. He’s just using stories of mates to postpone getting married.
Kinzo: No, I am not. I am just laying things bare. Women lie and always discount. If a woman tells u she’s slept with only one guy then it’s probably 4. They always discount.
Jide: Guess the best thang is not to worry about what ur girl’s done in the past. Happened to a mate at NYSC camp. Dude was happy he’d hooked up with some chick from Benin ‘til he asked around and discovered this so-called innocent chick had dated some cult guy. Guys from Benin swear dude musta slept with her at least 400 times. Lol….mate was sober at the end of this tale.
Loye: Lol…I remember that. I am not gonna call this chick. She wants to break up, huh? So there it is. She doesn’t know good guys are hard to find. There’s some chick that’s been feeling me for a while now. I just might give her a call.
Tunde (sensing his opportunity): Dude, u sure that’s what u wanna do? Take things easy. Forget what we saying, and especially what Kinzo said. If u feel like calling ex give her a call.Maybe u’d learn from Jide. He’s been in a relationship for 3 years now, longer than any of us. He must be doing something right.
Jide (feeling proud): That’s right.
Loye: Whatever. Dude’s only been in a relationship for this long ‘cos he takes s%$t and doesn’t complain.
Kinzo: Lol……so u a s%$t taker, huh?
Jide: I am not.
Kinzo: Sure, sure. I mean u can take s%$t if it makes u happy. I bet u’d be the type of person to fall in love with a stripper.
Tunde: Is that true, Jide? ‘Are u in love with a stripper? Does she dance, does she roll her waist, does she hold that pole?’

Phew. Hey, at least I got to impart words of wisdom to my younger bro and for that I’m happy. Off to work on more TV ideas and plan to publish them in next blog. Am I not scared y’all would steal them? Well, I trust y’all…and besides I’ve got lawyers in my family and like Wal-Mart and The Disney Corporation I love to litigate. Tot ziens and God bless.