Angel. Celebrity. Stripper.

Hola peeps. ¿Sé que ha sido un rato, no lo tiene? Peeps, must apologize profusely. Currently on a course at Warri and most I can say is…..well, what more can one say when caterers utilise the first-ever ‘equal’ serving spoon? Think I’m joking? What are the odds of five different folk getting served thirty-four, yeah that’s 34, seeds of baked beans? I kid thee not. Wish I’d a camcorder for such occasions. I didn’t even have to channel Dustin Hoffman’s xter from Rainman ‘cos dude serving food told me how many seeds he was gonna serve. Okay, maybe I’d forget about the preciseness of the food helping.

So why my long absence? U see work’s been insane lately, and plus I’ve been doing loadsa self-examination as well. Okay to be honest the self-examination was just last night when I questioned my sanity after the disbelief of the 34 bean seeds. Actually procrastinated more than usual on typing this blog ‘cos was in Lagos for li’l over a week and trying to catch up with folk is always tasking for me. I think I might need to hire a personal assistant based in Lagos to handle all my traffic. Ha. Wasn’t as stressed this time though as I got the driver to take me around most days. Aaah, the good life.

Traffic in Lagos is still crazy bad and think every driver in that place has to be insane. They tend to influence the way other folk drive as well. Saw some Indian dude driving the wrong way down a one-way even when everyone else was surprisingly obeying traffic laws. Man! Yeah, on Saturday had to park ride at former place of employment and walk to the local cinema ‘cos all roads were blocked off due to the fact that the President was in town, and was rumoured to be passing that area. Bloody punks. Dude shoulda been stuck in traffic with the rest of us so he’d understand what we all go thru.

Speaking of OBJ, has dude lost it or has he lost it? I wouldn’t be surprised if dude showed up dressed as Michael Jackson – obviously the MJ outfit would be made of ankara - for a press conference. He’s uttered more drivel lately that would make a youthful, pre-teetotal George W. Bush proud. First, “the elections were free and fair…”, then he’da gotten a Third Term in office if he wanted it, and now he’s blabbing about Bola Ige’s murderers. Kinda fortuitous that now he’s about to leave he’s……nah, tired of talking about him.

At the moment folks who feel aggrieved by the elections last month have taken their cases to the election tribunals in the hope that fair judgments would be delivered swiftly. Meanwhile, the Trade Union Congress (TUC) has asked folk to sit at home on May 28th and 29th as a show of protest to the farcical elections and the non-transparent sale of petroleum refineries and other government property. Checking my calendar I see May 28th is a Monday. Lol…no wonder, being typical Nigerians they want another public holiday in order to have a long weekend. U gotta love us, huh?

While we on the subject of elections heard on the news the other day that Hillary Clinton’s shopping for a campaign song. If she wants to win, if she reaaaaally wants to win then she’d go for one of Akon’s songs. Better still she’d asked Akon to sing said song at all her rallies. Why Akon? ‘Cos everything dude sings about turns to gold. On Gwen Stefani’s Sweet Escape all Akon did was sing backing vocals on the chorus yet song was a hit. Dude’s stolen Nate Dogg’s mojo I tell thee. This could be a good bizness proposition: Rent Akon whenever u wanna get ahead.

INFOMERCIAL VOICE: Feeling low? Wanna buy that house but u have no money or collateral? No need to fret, Akon’s here. Using his time-tested nasal-singing style dude will sing for his supper (literally) by helping u outta any jam u find urself in. For just the price of a first class plane ticket and a limo pickup from the airport Akon’s doppelganger could be urs. Dude sings like Akon and knows all of Akon’s dance moves, which, er, er, is nada. But forget that…..If u call now we would include Akon’s latest hit single absolutely free….

While we on the subject of showbiz showed a draft of my TV show concept to a production company in Lagos. Was told they working on a similar concept and were in the process of shooting the pilot episode. Man! Told them I’d not mind latching on and doing a faux news show a la Daily Show With Jon Stewart. Was contacted yesterday about doing an audition so hopefully when I’m next in Lagos ur fav blogger could be on TV. I promise I won’t forget y’all mere mortals when I’m rich and famous…..er, sorry, what are y’all names again? Ha huh ha huh ha huh

R.I.G. news: Peeps, t-i-r-e-d of life on the R.I.G. So I get free food and constant power, I’m not impressed. What has the R.I.G. done for me lately? Nada.
Was saddened at news that some dude I had worked with on the R.I.G. passed away from complications due to ulcer. Oh man.

Activities on the R.I.G. was same ol’ same ol’ though my fav xter, yup the BABY dude, was not around. His replacement was just as hilarious. He’s the first person I’ve met with two cell phones and one SIM card. I kid thee not. Hear him: “O boy, why u dey laff me about my phones? On one phone I can hear okay, but screen’s kaput; on the other the screen’s aiight but I don’t hear folk when they call me. Hence, I switch the SIM card b/w phones depending on if I wanna send a text message or call someone.”

U know how excited I was about my mate Edward’s wedding? Well, I missed it ‘cos dude I’d previously agreed with to replace me on the R.I.G. said he couldn’t make it. Was crazy shocked ‘cos that’s why I spent 3 weeks on last hitch on the R.I.G.! Arrrggggghhhh. Same dude’s getting married later this year and gonna show my appreciation by showing up for his wedding with only my fav g-string on. Yup, revenge is a dish best served…….on my world-renowned six-pack!

Speaking of weddings I got to the R.I.G. all chuffed ‘cos Isha Sesay and I decided to give it another go, and was ready to get hitched. A week goes by and the euphoria of spending the rest of my life with her began to ebb. Man, it took only a week?! In order to prove I wasn’t totally hopeless at this commitment thang I consulted with some dude who recently got married.

Tunde: Dude, last week I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this chick, now I’m not so sure. What’s wrong with me?
Dude (*laughing like a villain in a kung fu movie*): Ha hoo huh. I knew this day would come. U see marriage is like buying a car. U dream about the car for ages, u constantly wonder what sorta ride it’d be. U imagine ur first drive, the new car smell, the wrapping, everything. Then, u get the car of ur dreams and a few weeks later u see better looking cars as u drive by and wonder if u were too quick in choosing ur car.
Tunde: U what? So if I get what u’re telling me, even though u got married 5 months ago u wish u hadn’t?
Dude: Hush. Not so loud, my wife has spies everywhere. She might hear u…..

Was still downcast when I bumped into another mate.

Mate: Dude, what’s up? U look worried.
Tunde: Man, I need reassurance that I’m not strange. I have this chick I wanna spend the rest of my life with, but I’m not buzzing the way I should.
Mate: Lol….dude, u okay. All guys go through this. I’m sure she’s feeling the same; my sister had doubts almost every other week, but she’s now married and loving it. As long as u and ur chick love each other y’all will be cool.
Tunde (*elated beyond relief*): Dude, thanks a lot mate. I really needed that. I’m off to go call her now…
Mate: No worries, but, er, b4 she go, can I ask u question? Is ur girlfriend ugly?
Tunde: Lol….no, she’s bloody gorgeous, why do u ask?
Mate: Well, just that….I dunno how to say this, but she can’t be the one u gonna marry.
Tunde: U what?
Mate: Don’t get me wrong, I don’t wish u bad. U see most good-looking guys end up marrying ugly girls. Take me for instance, I dunno why, but the girl I wanna marry is ugly. I know she’s ugly, my friends say she’s ugly, my family says she’s ugly, even my mom thought I was having her on when I told her I wanted to marry this chick. All the chicks I had dated up till now were immensely fine, but this is the chick I have most in common with.
Tunde: Gee thanks.

Relationship news: So I leave the R.I.G. and make a pit-stop in Lagos b4 heading to Abuja to catch up with mates I’d not seen in eons. Abuja was fun and I’d visit there more. On my return to Lagos I called my older bro Tayo.

Tayo: Hey li’l bro, how’s Isha?
Tunde: Er, er, we no longer together. Seems we couldn’t agree on where this relationship was heading. Maybe deep down I was still bitter about her dumping me for that ancient owl Larry King….
Tayo: Babatunde my brother, what u looking for in Sokoto is in ur sokoto.

Now only Nigerians would get that last line, but what he was trying to convey was the perfect woman I was running around looking for is probably closer to home than I thought; specifically he was referring to some gorgeous chick he had tried to hook me up with. Lol….just perfect, trust male members of my family to tell it like it is.

Think major issue is as hard as I try I’m too blasé. Thought I’d gotten over that but thinking back it appears I have never done the movie thang and convinced a chick to go on with a relationship when she broaches the topic of ending stuff. Maybe ‘cos I feel since she’s broached the topic she ain’t interested no more, so best end things b4 I start messing around. Another reason is I still haven’t gotten rid of the Tunde shtick, Hey, there’s always another chick out there so why stress?

I have no regrets about relationships I’ve been in ‘cos I have learnt loads, but really wish I’d be one of those guys who go all out and fight to maintain relationships. U know those guys who go after a chick for months on end ‘til she succumbs? I wish I’da done that at least once in my life. Saw an episode of Cold Feet where James Nesbitt’s xter drove to his ex’s house to convince her to take him back. Dude actually went in the buff and sang, I have got u under my skin……until her current boyfriend showed up to kick his arse..literally (geddit? geddit? Aw, forget yous). Now that’s the sorta romantic gesture I wish I’d make. It’d not even be a problem for me as I’d get to show off my amazing six-pack……u see, there I am again joking about serious stuff. I friggin’ get more emotionally committed regarding sports than I do about relationships! Man, I need to stop thinking about this.

Family news: Stop thinking about relationships? I wish. Not when Chief felt obliged to hand down some valuable relationship advice as well. Why? Duh, u think dude needs a reason? Kinzo’s getting hitched so he feels he’s on a roll and wants to get the rest of the guys out of his hair asap.

Sorry to digress, but while we on the subject of hair, did y’all see Silvio Berlusconi on the pitch after AC Milan won the UEFA Champions League? How does one go from calvous to hirsute in a few years? Even Rogaine don’t work that fast. U know what, I think I’m gonna have hair plugs just for the sake of it. Nah, forget that, I think I’m gonna have a ponytail instead. Now wouldn’t that be hilarious? It’d be like that dude Me Phi Me from the ‘90s. Okay, digression over.

So Chief, who still thinks Isha and I are together, advised me:
“I know u love this girl, but don’t put ur eggs in one basket. I am not saying u’d lie to women, but have a few choice ones are friends so if things don’t work out with u and Isha u don’t have to start from scratch.
I know what I’m saying is going into one ear and coming out the next ‘cos u have always been like that. Ur dad tries to advise u, but u already have ur mind made up. Just like when I advised u to return to Nigeria but……”

Lol…I’d become president of Nigeria tomorrow and Chief would still harp on about how much time I “wasted” by not returning to Nigeria when he asked me to. U gotta love him. Now he’s in the UK probably bugging Ayo about marriage as well. Hey, rather Ayo than moi.

Tot ziens and God bless.