I’ve got a flashlight where my headlights used to be…it’s so dark, it’s so dark, it’s so dark…..jalopy, jalopy, jalopy

Hola peeps. En el último, el granjero ha desaparecido. As I began to type this blog seated behind my newly purchased escritoire I heard what sounded like two bomb blasts coming from the bridge situated not too far from my crib. This being PH I feared the worst, especially as today’s May 29th, the day us Nigerians have termed, Democracy Day. Surprisingly, nada happened after the blasts – well, still waiting on reports from folk who were in the area – and even more shocking I didn’t fret. Was actually excited, and was relishing the stories I’d tell y’all. Guess I now understand why Christine Amanpour and other war correspondents do what they do. Think I’ve found a new career to add to my ever expanding list: TV and movie aficionado/ farter/engineer/actor/model/stripper/blogger/choreographer/Michael Moore wannabe/war PH correspondent. Can u believe all this talent oozes outta one amazing body (that also houses probably the world’s best six-pack)? And folk say there’s no God.

Okay back to the state of Nigerian politics. Even though election tribunals around the country are still doing their thang - whatever it is they do - governors and their deputies, and the President and his deputy were sworn in today. The best we can do is pray these folk act right. Nah, squash that. The best we can do is pray that the elected individuals act right AND get involved in politics as well. Tired of complaining, okay, not really tired of informing y’all about our leaders’ atrocities, and feel it’s time I got involved in politics in one way or the other. If Donald Duke can rule Cross Rivers State without being fluent in the local dialect (is it Efik?) then I can contest for a post in Osun State without speaking fluent Yoruba! I have thought long and hard about this and I plan to get at this. My first step to attaining control of Osun State would be…wait for it….u ready?….…man, my plan’s so exciting I can’t wait to kick it into gear….to visit Osun State. Ha huh ha huh ha huh ha. Occurred to me that I hadn’t stepped foot in that part of Nigeria in over 12 years. Shame.

Remember last blog entry when I told y’all I wouldn’t be surprised with anything our erstwhile President utters? While chilling with mates last night discovered dude’s increased the price of gasoline by 15%. I reckon dude’s favourite number is 15 ‘cos last time he hiked up price of same product it was by 15% as well. Hmmm, come to think of it, maybe his fav number is actually 0.15. I know that’s a decimal and not exactly a number but work with me here. U see….okay, I think my diarrhoea’s affecting what my fingers are typing.

First, the strikes by the Trade Union Congress (TUC), then the controversial sale of PH and Kaduna refineries, and now a rise in price of petroleum products, all in the past week. Man, Yar’Adua must be wondering if indeed OBJ favours him. Or maybe OBJ’s doing all these so when Yar’Adua reduces percentage increase in gasoline price from 15% to, say, 8% (hey, maybe our new President’s fav number is 8…..okay, I’ll shut up now) Nigerians would accept his dodgy mandate and then his Minister of Information can shout it from the rooftops that our new “’servant leader’ has given a human face to the government’s economic policies.” Man, I’d be a speechwriter for the government. Yup, another career to add to my ever expanding list. Am I a genius or am I a super genius? I think it’s the latter.

Best thang dude can do to get majority of folk behind him is to sort out loopholes in our electoral process. That’d be one of his first acts when he gets into office. Yeah, he’d also sign the Freedom Of Information (FOI) bill so we can start going over his predecessors’ administrations with a fine tooth comb. Would be ace to know what our past leaders have been hiding. U know all those meetings when past Nigerian rulers are invited to meet with the current President? I reckon all they do there is rib each other about stuff they did while they were in power. That’s where the FOI act would come in useful. 25 years from now our children and grandchildren would be able to discover, as I suspect, that most of OBJ’s erratic declarations during his last days in office were as a result of a wager he took with one of his predecessors. Picture the scene. The table is set in one of the numerous rooms at Aso Rock and our past Presidents/Heads Of State are smoking cigars and taking the piss outta each other.

Babangida: Man, OBJ, I didn’t realise u had the temerity to organise such crap elections. When I told u u couldn’t trump my annulment of the June 12th elections I never figured u’d do what u did.
OBJ: Lol….didn’t I tell u last time not to dare me? U dared me to perform actions in the last year of my tenure that would ruin all the good work I had done for the previous 7 years. Did I or didn’t I accomplish that? Am I the true son of my mother or am I not? No dare me again o, if u double-dare me it would be worse o…..

Gonna miss OBJ though ‘cos of his chess mentality. Do u know after the TUC announced a sit-at-home strike for the 28th and 29th, dude countered by declaring same days as public holidays to “enable Nigerians celebrate the first-ever successful handover from one civilian regime to another”. U gotta love that. Was reminded of this when I called a mate in Lagos today and dude answered the phone by wishing me a “Happy handover”. U’ve heard of Merry Xmas, Happy New Year, Happy Easter, Happy Eid-el-Kabir, even Happy Kwanza. Now u can add Happy Handover to ur list of holiday greetings.

Entertainment news: Saw the Beautiful Liar video and it was……lemme just say it was one of those songs that work better on video, i.e. u’d like the song better ‘cos of the video. Kinda reminds me of Where Is My Love? by Babyface and El Debarge. While sleeping in room with Kinzo and Ayo back in the ‘90s this song came on the radio and almost immediately we all got up. It was like an alarm went off. We looked at each other and said, “What an ace song!” Few weeks later we caught the video on MTV UK and turns out it had a drab video. It’s songs like that u’d rather hear than watch, unlike Beautiful Liar where the video helps the crap song.

Another example is Omarion’s Icebox. Ace song, but video makes u hate song.

It’s a friggin’ slow song, son, must u dance all the time? Ur mama named u Omarion, not Will-i-am! If u want longevity in the music bizness u’d better concentrate on more singing than dancing ‘cos when u get older peeps are still gonna expect to see u dance. Remember Hammer? U don’t? My point exactly.
Remember Michael Jackson? Last time we saw this dude he was dancing through loopholes in the US legal system.
Yeah, and the same goes for ur six-pack. Except u a freak of nature like Tunde or LL Cool J ur six-pack’s gonna fade with time. Sing boi, sing.

U know what would be ace, a video of Icebox remix with Usher. Even better throw in Chris Brown, Ray J. and Marquis Houston into the mix, so they can try to out-dance each other. Wanna bet the shares of Tylenol’s parent company don’t skyrocket afterwards? Most memorable case of such competition was on The Best Man movie soundtrack where Tyrese, Ginuwine, R.L. and Case (a veritable Where Are Their Careers Now? all stars) collaborated on a song. Man, u’d sense their vocal chords screeching to outdo each other. Actually reckon ‘cos of that song most of them strained their vocal chords to such an extent their careers haven’t been the same since. Hold on a minute, think I just created an idea for a reality cum talent cum game show. Think it’s time to adjust my resume again. Woah, such an amazing talent, huh? Lol….

Relationship news: Remember how I told u my PH partner-in-crime was not as marriage-ready as I thought? Boy, was I wrong. Dude recently took a trip to the UK and returned with an engagement ring. Yup. Only reason he hasn’t proposed is he’s waiting for a perfect moment, the right scenario, the ideal encounter to pop the question. He’d planned to propose to her in the UK, but the unromantic curmudgeon at the British High Commission refused her a visa. Well, there’s always Tinapa.

I’m so chuffed for the dude, even though I know it’s gonna mean purchasing another shirt and tie combo as a groom’s man. Man, mates are getting married like they handing out lottery tickets. So bad that I’m buying groom’s man clothing for weddings I can’t even attend. Hi Tunde, I’ve chosen u as one of the groom’s men for my wedding. Oh u cannot attend? No worries, u can still cop the groom’s man shirt and tie.

I keep expecting to hear an infomercial-type voice proclaim, …and if u order now we’ll hook u up with a bride’s maid absolutely free!!! at the end of such conversations. Lol…it’s all good though, I’d much rather hear wedding bells than tales of relationship woe from mates. First let me quote from the Gospel according to Rocky, Chapter IV, Verse…er, the last scene. It informs us “If I can change (followed by Russian interpretation: Если я могу изменить
), u can change (followed by Russian interpretation: вы можете изменить
), everyone can change!!!!! (followed by Russian interpretation: каждое может изменить)"…..and crowd erupting into rapturous applause. This, er, verse came to me while mate complained about fiancé who beat her up. She then asked for my opinion on whether to go ahead with relationship.

Why do peeps insist on asking my opinion on such things? What am I to say?
While in Lagos saw Spiderman 3 and though movie was a bit long it was better than I expected, after all I’d heard from peeps. Most interesting thang about it was I discovered I used to be like Peter Parker when listening to Mary Jane’s troubles. When folk told me stuff I’d respond with similar (or dissimilar) examples I’d been through, as if that was panacea to every relationship ailment. Over time I learnt that mostly folk just wanna get stuff off their chest and don’t wanna listen to a lecture. That said Dallas Bryce Howard should go platinum blonde in all her movies. What a fox!

Okay back to mate. Her major beef is she’s scared to face her dad if she calls the engagement off as he had asked about a dozen times during her introduction ceremony if she’s sure she wanted to marry the dude. I know Oprah and other talk-show hosts tell u to leave ur man if he beats u, but there could be extenuating circumstances for….who am I kidding? If dude beats u then if u wanna leave leave. If u feel it was a mistake and dude would never do it again then stay, if not run like ur arse is on fire.

Yeah, speaking off arse on fire I had mad runs over the weekend. Boy, it was terrible. Dunno what I ate but….ooops, I’m channelling Peter Parker again, ain’t I? My bad.

As if that wasn’t bad enuff another mate asked me what I thought of his new girlfriend after we all hung out. Uh oh, another dicey situation. Peep this: a while back a mate tried to hook me up with her friend and asked what I thought of her after sending me her pics in an email. I said, “She looks like a poor man’s Liz Benson (Nigerian actress).” Apparently, that’s not a good compliment. Man, she flared up like crazy. Still don’t get why folk get so emotional when they try to hook u up. Anyways, ‘cos of stuff like that I have learnt that honesty is best handed out in small doses. So when dude asked me what I thought about his girlfriend I said, “She’s good-looking and seems nice”. What I meant to say was, She’s good-looking and seems nice, BUT why does she have to laugh at everything? “Hello, my name is Tunde.” She laffs. “Heard so much about u.” She laffs. Hey, was she raised by hyenas or is she just using the laughter to mask her insecurities? I doubt it. U know what I think? I think she’s on drugs. Don’t lie, she’s probably ur weed supplier, no wonder u’ve been acting weird since u met her……

While riding in another mate’s car turned on the radio and Beautiful Liar came on. “Oh I love this song”, mate confessed. “That’s the way us women should act, no fighting over men and all that rubbish.” Cool, but some women take things that Beyonce says to sell records a bit too seriously. Another mate followed the whole To the left, to the left belief and is now trying to get her boyfriend back. Problem is dude didn’t do nada wrong, treated her like a queen even, but she felt she could get another him in a minute, but what she got instead was a niggrraarr (see below). As at last check she’s still trying to get dude back but he’s moved on. Sad thang is if she had done a tenth of what she’s doing now, u know just paid attention to the dude, she would still be in a relationship. U live and learn, eh?

Discovered a close mate of mine in PH is a niggrraarr. To the uninitiated Niggrraarr is a term coined by Kinzo that connotes guys that treat women like crap, yet get all the girls. A Christian Troy from NIP/TUCK if u will. Hey, every dude has exhibited niggrraarrish behaviours now and then, but true niggrraarrs exhibit these tendencies all the time. Trouble is after an encounter with a niggrraarr women still hang on hoping they’d be the one to transform them. Eventually they catch on and go looking for a mugu. Lol.
Okay, now that I have added another word to ur vocabulary lemme tell u about the niggrraarr specie in my habitat. Man, dude’s hero should be Ike Turner. Recently, I bumped into dude as he was whupping some chick with a belt, forcing her into his ride, driving her to the place where she’d get a cab, kicking her outta ride, and screaming at her, “that’ll teach u to call another guy while u in my house.”

The next day, chick showed up at his crib with a cooler of yam pottage as a peace offering. I know he’s my mate and I’d advise him to do better, but I wasn’t brought up that way. I wasn’t brought up to talk with my mouth full (of yam pottage). Lol…man, I kill myself.

Tunde Relationship news: Remember last blog entry when I told y’all about that dude on the R.I.G. saying I’ll marry her ugly chick? Well, since then I’ve become paranoid. So much so that I don’t talk to ugly chicks anymore, u know just in case. The other day an, er, oooogly colleague called to say hi and I made up some crap excuse and hung up the phone. (Hey, how does one hang up a cell phone? Does one….okay, I’ll shut up.)

Man, I hate that dude on R.I.G. for making act like this. All last week I kept convincing myself: Tunde, don’t listen to him, maybe that dude has a female relative he wants to marry off so he’s trying to convince u the best way he knows how.
C’mon, think about it, all ur exes have been stunners! If any of them walked into a room most guys would try to make passes at them, and most ladies would wish they were them. Ain’t no way u gonna marry an ugly chick. U’ve seen the movie RAY, right? If a blind dude like Ray Charles can marry a fine chick like Kerry Washington then how much more u?
Ur dad didn’t marry ugly women. Ur bro Tayo’s wife’s good-looking. Ur bro Kinzo’s fiancee is the same. C’mon man, u safe.

Phew, I needed that pep talk. But just in case, I’m still avoiding all contact with ugly women for the time being. Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Oh yeah, forgot to mention there’s also petrol scarcity in PH as well. Alhaji Yar’Adua, u know how all newly elected Presidents have a honeymoon period? OBJ has seen to it that urs never existed. Thank ur stars ur deputy is named Goodluck. U gonna need it. We’ll be praying for u though.


PPS
While reading newspaper today there was hardly any news. Paper was filled with congratulatory messages to the President and various governors-elect. Couldn’t help but wonder what those who took out the ads would do if the election tribunals revoke governorships and award elections to someone else? Knowing us Nigerians same dude would probably take out a larger ad for new governor-elect.

While we on the subject of election tribunals, if u reading this and ur friend/family has brought a case to the tribunal make sure u hire a thumbprint expert. Ur fav blogger put on his Sherlock Homeboy hat and did some investigating. Discovered some dude’s crib in a South South state in Nigeria where ballot papers were stored and thumb-printed. I kid thee not. To make matters worse what these dudes did was invalidate votes to their opposition by embossing ballot paper with additional thumbprint. When I asked dude why they went to such lengths he said, “Our candidate is a good man. He’s tried to run in other elections before, but he was cheated. This way if u cannot beat them u join them.” Like I stated earlier, Goodluck Alhaji Yar’Adua.