….here’s a poo I made earlier.

Hola peeps. Feliz Año Nuevo. Two blogs in one week? Yup, getting soft in my old age….or maybe decided to write all in my head before senility kicks in. In all honesty this blog arose after a discussion with some Canadian I met in PH. It was his first visit to Nigeria and dude couldn’t understand why an oil rich state could be in such parlous conditions. “I saw kids begging on the street. Don’t they go to school? We have homeless people in Canada but there are not all-in-ur-face like this and we provide homeless shelters for them.”

Tried to explain that some parents would rather send children to beg than to school ‘cos it generates more money – a kid beggar actually flashed a 1,000 Naira note at me while in traffic in PH – and the rulers in government would rather line their pockets than provide for………man, tired of defending ineptitude of leadership in Nigeria to foreigners. Takes me back to Bradford when Portuguese roommie, after doing a case study of Nigeria, couldn’t fathom why we are the way we are especially with our oil wealth. Obviously, we cannot put all the blame on the ruling class, but,……..nah, I think we have a right to place all the blame on the ruling class. C’mon, in the People Democratic Party (PDP) presidential primaries almost all the two-term governors declared their intent to rule this great nation when they haven’t done squat at the state level. Just rhetoric after rhetoric.

Called a mate few weeks ago and asked him what he was up to. “My guy, life in Lagos no easy o. This NEPA, abi na PHCN make I call them, people dey show us o. But una no get that problem for PH since I hear say the new Independent Power Plant dey supply una.” Almost fell off my seat when he said that. Power supply my blistered, yet now firmer, right ass cheek. It’s probably ‘cos of dire state of local media that Alams was able to get away with so much looting in Bayelsa state while the rest of country thought everything was a-ok. To make matters worse those punk ass MEND punks have resorted to blowing up places within PH township and seeking Alams’ release as one of the conditions for curbing their shock and awe campaign. Yup, nice tactic to get folk sympathetic to ur cause. See how that worked a treat in Iraq?

Speaking of Iraq do u know I have mates who believe Saddam’s still alive? “Has anyone actually seen a video of the execution?”, they ask. First Elvis, then Tupac and now Saddam. U gotta love conspiracy theorists.

In case y’all don’t already know welcome to my political rant blog entry. Before we go on, a short disclaimer: I haven’t registered to vote yet ‘cos cannot locate any registration centre that actually functions. Goodness knows I don’t wanna be like P.Diddy wearing those Vote or Die t-shirts before the 2004 US Presidential elections when he hadn’t registered to vote. Yup, just another case of celeb bandwagon jumping. Lol…u think Brad Pitt really wants to visit all those third world countries with Angelina for the UN? He’s whupped. “Want me to drive this flaming hot wood poker through my eyes to highlight the suffering of the Burmese? Sure, Angelina honey.” Actually this reminds me of a true story reported by a mate in the UK.

Bono (of U2 fame) is performing on stage when he starts clapping and in his inimitable Irish brogue announces, “Every time I clap my hands a child in the third world dies….. ” A smart-alec audience member (that will forever be my hero) issues the rejoinder: “STOP CLAPPING THEN!” Lol…..man, to have seen the look on Bono’s face. I’m sure dude woulda realised the funny side of things after all he ain’t Sean Penn, who seems to have no sense of humor. Guess being married to Madonna would do that to u.

Okay back to my rant. I can’t wait for April 2007 to come along so we can at least get rid of the billboards and flyers sporting political messages. Tired of seeing politicians’ faces when I drive around. U know what? I think I’d actually vote for someone who has the crappiest posters. That way I can tell he won’t spend the nation’s money on frivolous thangs. Hear, hear. If politicians REALLY want my vote they’d go the whole hog and get kindergarten kids to draw their faces on posters. That way they give the kids a glimpse into working life while getting them involved in the political process. Radical idea I know, but it could work.

Some months back I took a road trip with my boss from PH to Lagos and when we passed by Delta state u’d think every man over 30 was interested in the governorship position. As we passed by other states we noticed a similar theme. As if boss was reading my mind dude made a compelling argument about how one can determine a politician’s actions by type of picture circulated for publication. “See that 2-term governor’s poster? That’s obviously the best picture they’d get of him, right? Look at his face dull like akamu (pap). They’da known when elected that the dude would be dull and useless.” Ha. U know what, boss was right. Spoke to a resident of that state recently and dude remarked, “That guy’s worse than useless. We all praying for April 2007 so we can get a new person. I hope the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) catches up to him after he’s left office.”

As if that’s not bad enough the gale of impeachments and counter impeachments continues. Oyo state is a mess and Ibadan’s still tormented by Adedibu who proudly asserts that politics is his means of livelihood. I thank God the judiciary is doing their utmost to correct for such breaches of law. A particular case is Anambra state where the impeachment of the duly elected governor was recently declared “null and void”. After the governor’s impeachment his successor’s first act was to travel to Abuja to pledge her loyalty to the president, almost as if dude’s the godfather in a Mafia clan. She was reported to have said, “I’m pledging my loyalty ‘cos he’s the father of the nation.” What she meant to say was, “So scared I’m gonna get impeached I better suck up to this guy worse than a vacuum cleaner. Man, the other day I actually told him he reminded me of Denzel Washington. Oooh, I feel so dirty….”

What we need in Nigerian politics is a Smoking Gun-type website that’ll reveal the crimes our so-called leaders have committed before assuming high office. The saddest thang is they’d probably concoct some otherworldly lie to get a way with it…..and we’d let them off after some choice padded envelopes have been passed our way. My brothers told me about an erstwhile Senate President who was presented with evidence that showed he’d been arrested in the past. Dude actually took news crew to a grave site and said, “The person with the criminal record is my late brother Evans. My name is Evan. Yes, it was him that got arrested. He was the black sheep of the family and lived a life of crime. He is now dead. May God rest his soul. O my late brother, whyyyyyy?” Nigerians still joke about it ‘til this day. And u tell me this country’s not ripe for my satirical TV show? When I get my camcorder it’s on like Donkey Kong. Anyone wanna audition for choice roles now?

The show would never run outta ideas, not when u have:

· the Governor of Rivers state, during his failed bid to get his party’s presidential ticket, promising “constant power supply like has been delivered in PH”;
· PHCN threatening to go on a 12-hour strike. Lol…..as if anyone would notice. If that ain’t taking the piss I don’t know what is. Memo to PHCN folk: U gotta have leverage before u get folk to listen to u. Look at North Korea they got nuclear weapons, Iran has nuclear weapons, y’all don’t even have candles;
· the pilot on the plane I flew from Owerri to Lagos taking time outta his announcements to thank the “honourables” and VIPs on board;
· most state governors shaking in their boots as 2007 draws near ‘cos of EFCC;
· fuel queues that stretched for miles on Xmas day and New year’s day;
· Nigerian newspapers publishing pictures that have nada to do with the stories on the rest of the page. For example, Tsunami in Asia is the headline on front page and accompanying picture is of Nigerian truck drivers watching footie on TV;
· a state governor uprooted (if that’s the right word to use here) street lights - installed to mark the President’s visit to his state – few days after the presidential visit was over. Dude replanted (if that’s the right word to use here) after a public outcry;
· the Governor of Enugu state, and one-time presidential aspirant, campaigning against arresting CD/DVD pirates in his state ‘cos “a government that doesn’t provide jobs for people should not prevent them from making money any way they know how”. Nice one Excellency, but do we condone other illegal activities like thievery and armed robbery as well? How about political thugs and assassins, we give them a free ride as well? While we are at it let’s not task our politicians as they don’t have other skills with which to make a living at, but looting public funds;
· mate’s security guard quitting his job so he’d return to school…to study politics (sic).

I could go on and on. I would also have a segment where I’d provide serious advice. For example, if there’s a newly married couple out there that wants to purchase their first home I’d advise them to wait ‘til 1st quarter of 2007 ‘cos dumb ass politicians would need more bucks to fund their campaigns so they’d sell their illegally acquired property at drastically reduced prices. Man, I’d write a book on this s%$t instead of giving it away for free like I did the correlation b/w oil futures and rumoured attacks by Niger Delta militants.

When the show’s real successful and I am on the cover of TIME magazine I’d introduce a segment where politicians would have their say. If dude’s talking rubbish I’d either turn his mic off Bill O’Reilly style or tease him continuously by repeating everything he says, but in a Cartman-like voice. Lol….I might have to move outta the country to avoid getting killed – not to worry I don’t like sushi – but it’d be worth it.

Yeah, that’s another thang; is it a crime to oppose someone? Nigerian politics seems to be all about murdering one’s opponents and yet, nada comes outta it ‘cos the Inspector General of police issues statements swearing this and that yet there are no substantive results.

Why can’t we be more like politicians in the States where everything goes, but murder? Like Biggy said, between bites of his humungous sandwich, “I’d never wish death on anybody yo ‘cos there’s no coming back from that”. I don’t get politicians though, one minute they calling each other names and next minute they sucking up to each other with photo-ops. Case in point is Nancy Pelosi and George Bush just before the mid-term elections. Nancy called George “reckless, a disgrace” but as soon as George realized the Democrats had taken control of the House he invited her to lunch and Nancy was buzzing afterwards at having eaten some Italian food that took her back to her childhood. Er, someone hold this laptop while I puke. Ha.
Hey, anyone notice Nancy Pelosi’s looking more and more like a fox after that House win. Almost as if she’s been on one of those makeover shows. More coverage of Nancy I say. Anything’s better than Dennis ‘I have 2 necks’ Hastert.

Speaking of more TV coverage anyone seen Fidel Castro lately? Dude’s almost like Wally now. Last time I saw dude he was doing stretching exercises trying to prove he’s still fit at 80 years old……and holding a current newspaper to prove he’s alive. Ha. Go retire son.

The other day heard a political jingle by the PDP – Africa’s largest party – that was a play on Tongolo by D’Banj. Wetin be the koko? PDP! Wetin be the party of debt relief? PDP! The party wey introduce GSM? PDP! and so on it went. They musta left the lines, The party of failed promises? PDP! Party where President and Vice President are at logger heads? PDP! Party on whose watch there have been more assassinations, robberies, plane crashes? PDP! Party where the airport of the oil capital of Nigeria still hasn’t been fixed? PDP!, on the editing room floor. The punks.

After the spate of kidnappings in the Niger Delta Obasanjo made a few pledges and instituted a quarterly meeting where governors in the Niger Delta region brief him on major projects their allocation was spent on. Listened to one of such broadcasts on the radio and all I’d think about was what woulda happened if this 1/4ly update was instituted when Alams was governor of Bayelsa state. “Your Excellency The President, fellow governors, this quarter I bought 20 cars for my personal use as opposed to 10 last quarter. A 100% increase… ”

Seriously it’s a shame about what’s happening in Nigeria and Africa as a whole. Recently read Mugabe plans to extend his tenure until 2010. First Museveni, then OBJ’s failed 3rd term and now Mugabe. Let’s not even mention Sudan or Somalia/Ethiopia. Man, makes me wanna puke. Kenneth Kaunda should be lauded every year like the 1972 Miami Dolphins unbeaten team every time an African leader reneges on his promises.

That’s why I wanna get my range of 419-inspired t-shirts out in the market. It’d be cool if I make some money outta it, but mainly interested in getting peeps talking. Peeps might call me unpatriotic, but think that’ll only last ‘til my accompanying CD compilation comes out. U what? Yup. Ever been to a night club and see the way folk dance to dancehall or ragga even if they have no clue what the artiste is singing about? That’s my aim. If I can back up my message with a killer beat folk would love it. Hey, if it worked for Sean Paul’s We Be Burning then it’s bound to work here.

Everyday we hear about government’s bid to get Direct Foreign Investment into the country and must laud them for their efforts. But if we real interested in sorting the economy out my soon-to-be-released one page book should provide an insight: If I Did It (Rule The Country) Here’s How: Sort out the energy and security situation and fix infrastructure. Simple, huh? Tell me about it.

Okay I know what y’all are thinking, “anyone can rant, why don’t u provide some solutions?” Until I get involved in politics my plan’s to affect person next to me by doing stuff right. Hopefully, that’ll set an example and create a domino effect. Duh. So that’s ur solution to Nigeria’s ills? That’s as laughable as the climax in Happy Feet. Sure, humans will stop fishing ‘cos of some dancing penguins. As if. I’da pulled ur vague answer outta a Xmas cracker……stuck up a money’s butt!

Hey, what do y’all expect from me?! I know for a fact that my remedy can work as evidenced by some mates who cite me as the reasons why they now obey traffic laws (obviously not late at night) and don’t throw trash outta their car windows. On that note I hope y’all submit my name for the Nobel Peace Prize this year.

Tot ziens and God bless u and urs in 2007. Only He can make the difference.