If The Sound Of Music was set in Africa song lyrics would include: How do u solve a problem like Malaria?

Hola peeps. Debo ser reclinado bien, pero no soy. Why? Been holed up in some hotel all week on some course organized by the club to promote social consciousness among exotic dancers. The course was aiight, but it was the hotel services that got to me peeved. I mean these guys ain’t all that bad, at least they good at serving…..plates…..and that’s it. If one orders dinner in the restaurant the plates and cutlery get delivered in an oh so cute dinner tray and then one’s forced to wait at least an hour for food. The dudes are smart too, they include gratuity in the cost of meals ‘cos they know no one would tip them for providing such dire service.

The room service is even worse. When I checked outta the hotel my bag was filled with cartons of orange juice ‘cos these folk serve only orange juice with every meal, even when u don’t order any. It wouldn’t be so bad if they had pineapple juice or a variety of other fruit juices, but all they got is friggin’ orange. Almost as if the party responsible for groceries got a great deal on orange juice and decided to force that on us poor, unsuspecting hotel guests.

Yeah, seems that dude also secured mega deals on spring rolls and strawberry ice cream. I spent 5 days in class and we got served spring rolls EVERY tea break. Even at the end of course dinner they rolled out their world infamous spring rolls again! Whenever I called room service and asked what flavour of ice cream they had I was always told vanilla. “Okay then, please bring me some vanilla ice cream with my dinner. If u have strawberry flavour don’t bother as it makes me fart like crazy and s&%t watery s&%t. Also please, please, please, please hold the juice.” I can just picture the guy on the other end of the line laughing to himself, “Imagine this yeye man dey order vanilla ice cream, na only strawberry flavour we get jo. U go think say he for don learn all these days wey he don dey for here. Abeg Gringori, give that man for Room 023 strawberry ice cream……and no forget to add carton of orange juice.”

While discussing the crap hotel service with a colleague he recalled: “Man, is that all? I have stayed in this hotel before and last time I was here I sent my laundry in and it came back without my boxer shorts. After a number of calls to the laundry and issuing a few threats the laundry guy came to my room with a huge ass bag of boxer shorts and asked me to select one. Lol…my guy, I tell u say I no fit even remember wetin my shorts look like after a while.”

Another colleague experienced something similar. “Dude, that experience’s better than mine. I spent about 6 weeks here once while looking for a house. Dunno what sorta detergent they use but noticed after every wash my clothes shrunk big time. By the time my stay was over my fav pair of jeans had gone from ankle length to thigh length. Dude, if I’d stayed any longer, and had some green body paint, I’da played The Hulk.”

Okay, enuff ranting about PH’s version of the Bates’ Motel; how y’all been? Moi? Alles lekker. As I write this blog entry I am biding time ‘til another meeting starts. Am I that busy? Well, yes and no. Yes, I am busy attending meetings, but no, the meetings aren’t mandatory. U see I have caught on to a new grift: free food. Man, nothing gladdens the heart of a non-cooking bachelor than that. For the past two days I have had lunch at such “meetings”. It’s a great feeling man. Am I ashamed? Not in the least. However, I think my mate, who’s become my partner-in-crime in this grift, is getting cold feet. “Tunde, how long can we keep this up? Wouldn’t it be better if one got married so at least we know there’s food waiting for us after work?” To which I responded, “DUDE, DO NOT PROJECT UR INSECURITIES ON ME. I’M TOTALLY HAPPY DOING THIS FOR A LITTLE WHILE LONGER.”

My armchair shrink skills tell me mate’s apprehensive ‘cos a mutual friend based in Warri just announced he’s getting married in August 2007. “Man, Warri is so boring, everywhere shuts down after 6pm. I swear if y’all are posted here u’d be so vexed u’d decide to get married as well just to have someone to alleviate the ennui.” If I needed a reason to get married this dude just provided it. Ha.

What u need to know about free food partner-in-crime is he’s ready to get married yesterday, or so he professes. Since I have known him he claims to wanna get married soon ‘cos he’s earning good money and afraid of gold-diggers. Problem is dude’s the most pernickety guy I know when it comes to women. But that doesn’t stop him from telling anyone within earshot - the other day I saw him inform a random newspaper vendor - he’s looking for a wife. Last week I see him with a new chick and ask what the deal is. “Her? I only met her an hour ago, but not interested ‘cos she’s got fat tendencies.” Lol….this particular chick was skinnier than Kate Moss. So far I have heard his reservations about women range from non-existent weight, height, and gold-digging potentials to father issues and general demeanour. It’s always a blast hanging out with this dude.

Last weekend we driving around PH when we spot a chick wearing a tight-fitting top with the words, Red Hot Cherries, inscribed on it. Dude stops and offers the chick a ride, which she accepts. As we drop her off he hands her his bizness card and exactly 20 minutes later chick called “just to check if the number is correct.” The next day dude informs me he hung out with Red Hot Cherries (RHC) after he dropped me off.

“It’s amazing the effect my bizness card has on these PH chicks o. Guess working crazy hours for a top-notch law firm has its benefits after all. Concerning RHC I don’t think I’ll see her again as she seems real needy, has a serious H-factor, and can’t speak proper English.” Dude’s been avoiding RHC’s calls since the day after their rendezvous ‘cos she asked for bucks to help pay for some outfit at the tailor. “Imagine that chick has come up with a new tactic, calling me from her bro’s phone. ‘I have been flashing u, but u didn’t call back. I worry (sic) that army (sic) robbery affect (sic) ur phone.’ Can u imagine, does she think I am her boyfriend all of a sudden? Imagine the hubris.” See, why I love hanging with this dude?

More PH news: Praise the Lord, I have FINALLY moved into the 3-bedroom apartment I paid for 5 months ago. Why did it take me so long, y’all ask. Frankly, I think it’s ‘cos I have never lived alone before. In the ATL I had Miguel as a roommate, in Holland it was Constant, at Bradford I had several roommates, at Ogbomosho the same, and at boarding school in Warri I had….duh, it’s a boarding school, what else did y’all expect? Anyways, most roommie experiences have been ace - apart from period in Bradford where I lived with two Goth chicks with crap housekeeping skills – and maybe that’s why I was apprehensive above leaving a room in mate’s house for a huge ass 3-bedroom crib.

Decided to make the leap just b4 my latest sojourn to the R.I.G. after mate accused me of sleeping with his girlfriend. Yup, I kid thee not. Actually, he ‘jokingly’ alluded to something along those lines during my birthday party in Lagos. As the dude was plastered outta his head then I regarded his accusations as the rantings of an inebriated man. So fast-forward a few weeks when I returned “home” to find mate’s girlfriend crying.

Tunde: Hey girl, why u crying?
Miss S: Sob…..sob…..ur friend just went out and said he doesn’t wanna see me when he returns.
Tunde: Why, what happened?
Miss S: We’ve had li’l arguments all week….sob..sob…so today when my migraine flared up and I asked him to take me to the clinic he said, “why don’t u tell Tunde to take u after all u are sleeping with him.” Can u believe that? And maybe that’s what he’ll go around telling everybody in PH. I just wish he knew the truth. Sob…sob.
Tunde (*thinking to himself*): “U what? Where did mate get that ludicrous idea from?! Damn, maybe I’d not have walked around the house shirtless all those times when there was no power. My killer six-pack’s enuff to get any chick to lick her lips like LL Cool J running outta chapsticks. Lol. Seriously, I hope these folk reconcile ‘cos she’s a heckuva cook, but most importantly I gave this chick some money to make bed sheets for me. Is this a right time to ask her if the bed sheets are ready? If not, would it be obtuse to ask for my money back?”

Peeps, I know I’d be a hopeless flirt most times, but I swear I have never been in the crib alone with this chick, let alone bat an eyelid at her. Decided if mate really thinks I’d step to his chick that way then it’s best I moved to my own crib, er, located, er, downstairs. Glad I made the move though ‘cos really enjoying my own space. One thang I have learnt since I stopped avoiding the landlord, and finally picked up keys from him, is equipping a crib is crazy expensive. I now have genuine respect for anyone that can build a one-bedroom crib let alone furnish it. Damn, did y’all know those small ass generators cost as much as a quarter of a million naira? Even curtains and carpets set me back a tidy sum. Didn’t know microwaves and fridges cost as much as they do either. I mean almost everyone has a microwave, u’d think they’d be giving them away for free now, huh? Damn.

‘Cos of such unbudgeted expenses my hitherto latent interior décor skills have blossomed and I chosen to go for the minimalist look in my crib. U what?In plain terms that means I am leaving my apartment as bare as a newborn’s buttocks…..at least until my moonlighting wedding MC/DJ/baby sitting gig kicks off. If that fails I’m nicking stuff from the crib in Lagos when I go over for Xmas. Serious. I have already booked an early morning flight outta Lagos and hired a getaway driver to get me to the airport. By the time the family wakes up to find air conditioners, TVs, DVD players, etc missing I’d be far gone in land of PH. Ha huh ha huh ha huh.

Back to the crib. My first night there was real weird. I couldn’t get over it. Man, I can’t believe I actually pay the rent and utility bills for this place. Man, I can’t believe I am getting responsible. Man, I can’t believe……..there’s actually friggin’ power! Peeps, I can’t explain it but since I’ve moved into the crib PHCN has been performing its job better than I’ve ever experienced in PH. It’s so crazy my neighbors are scared to use power. “Oga, I wan cut my hair, but dunno whether PHCN go revenge big time for all the light wey dem give us. Make I risk am?” True story.

My armchair shrink skills, after an intense session of self-hypnosis, also led to the diagnosis that I dread this increased sense of responsibility and that was probably another reason to postpone moving into my crib. I mean think about it, got a nice paying job entertaining women, currently in the process of procuring a car, now renting an apartment. Next stop is….drum roll please…..marriage, innit? Man, just the thot of the M word sends shivers down my spine. U know a mate confessed to me the other day that reading my blog gives her the impression I am a “cynical, commitment-phobe”. Is that what the rest of y’all really think? If so, I apologize. It’s not the way I am at all. U see I love the idea of marriage; I friggin’ love kids and hope to have a bunch some day; I……..ooops, is that the time? Guess we’ll continue this conversation another time as the aforementioned meeting’s about to commence.

Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Remember “buoyant” dude from R.I.G.? Well, he was just on the phone with his girlfriend and discovered her name’s Vinegar. Lol…can u imagine that? Man, I’d think a name like that would be a deal breaker if I was interested in dating such a chick. “Hey Vinegar darling, would u like some, er, vinegar with ur fish and chips?” Lol. Hey, what if Vinegar has a sister called Epiphany. Reckon she’d come up with bright ideas all the time? Man, I kill myself.

PPS
Arsenal’s losing again. Man, I wish I didn’t care about this team as much. My heart’s aching like I just got dumped. I don’t friggin’ need this! Almost like Arsene Wenger’s clueless on tactics or needs to sell Thierry Henry or something. I have tried blaming everyone and now my anger is directed at some punk who was interviewed on terrestrial TV after organizing a basketball tourney in PH. “Sports brings people together. As a sports fan, and especially an Arsenal fan, I felt I had to do this.” So, er, what does being an Arsenal fan have to do ur basketball tourney, punk ass punk? I bet I wasn’t the only one thinking that way and bet Arsenal’s poor form can be attributed to the bad vibes generated by the punk’s comments.

Why can’t Arsenal friggin’ shoot the ball now and then? Too much friggin’ skill, that’s our problem. Adebayor goes to ground too easily, Henry’s too arrogant for his own good, Lehmann’s still hasn’t grown up, Aliadiere hasn’t lived up to whatever hype he had, Hleb can be infuriating most times, our defenders lack Lauren’s grit, and opposing teams appear to be hungrier than we are. Oh, Adebayor just scored….and so has Gilberto! Er, forget everything I just wrote.