Santa, all the kids want for Xmas is a jerry can to purchase petrol in

Hola peeps. Feliz Navidad. It’s 11am on December 29th and just woke up after a tiring, but immensely enjoyable yesterday when my younger sis got married. The wedding was fantastic! U could see the joy in her face through out the ceremony and she confessed to having fun on her wedding day. How many brides can truly say that? Man, I was so proud. Went to bed last night thinking about previous family weddings and thanking God for the way the family comes together at these occasions. I’m sure it’s at times like these Chief relishes his decision to go the polygamous route ‘cos unlike other families we don’t need Red or Boots to put out any fires when we get together.

This was probably the best wedding we’ve had ‘cos I wasn’t stressed as much and actually had fun. We learnt from Kemi’s 7 months ago and got a larger venue and more catering staff. That way I wasn’t disturbed as usual and didn’t even lose my temper at anyone. I remember Nike’s wedding when I lost my rag at someone and got summoned by some distant relative I’d just been introduced to.

Uncle: Tunde, I know u don’t remember me, but u must listen to me. At such huge weddings people are going to call at u from different corners and it’s up to u to maintain ur composure.
Tunde: Yes, thank you sir….
Uncle: WAIT! I haven’t finished. U see there are two kinds of people in the world…
Tunde (*thinking to himself*): “What did I get myself into?”
Uncle: ..there are the good and the bad. At times like these when people are making crazy requests, asking for food when they’ve had 2 plates already, asking for wine when they wouldn’t normally drink it, etc u have to ask urself if u want to be good or bad…
Tunde (*thinking to himself*): “This guy must be stone drunk.”
Uncle: So which one are u? Good or bad?
Tunde (*thinking to himself*): “Is this guy serious?”
Uncle: Answer me! DO U WANT TO BE GOOD OR BAD?
Tunde: Er, good I guess.
Uncle: Cool. Now be good and get me a bottle of big stout.

Lol….maybe I’d write a collection of wedding anecdotes ‘cos there are loads where that came from. Yeah, speaking of things I’d do u know my t-shirts I’ve been harping on about for over a year now? Well, I’m no closer to getting them made ‘cos relied on mates and mates of mates too much. Hey, here’s a question for the ages: why can’t Nigerians admit when they have no clue about stuff? If u are non-Nigerian reading this ask ur Nigerian mates if they know anyone who’d supply a perpetual motion machine and I can bet u one of them would say they’d or they have a relative who can.

I show folk my t-shirt designs and all I hear back is, “of course, I can do it” or “my sibling/cousin/friend/driver’s son’s girlfriend’s dog can get ur designs on t-shirts.” Man, such promises have set me back at least 18 months, now I’m tired of telling folk about t-shirts just in case they ask to see them. Last person who promised to ‘deliver’ was a friend who after 3-4 months didn’t furnish what I wanted. If she wasn’t 7 months pregnant I’da given her a piece of my mind. Now I’ve decided to get the t-shirts made in another African country. Hopefully I would have better stories to tell.

Yeah, also met some dude about my TV show idea and he was buzzing about it…...that was 2 months ago. So as not to have the same dilatory effect as the t-shirts I have consulted a lawyer about getting ideas (TV show and t-shirts) trademarked and afterwards if the dude isn’t forthcoming I’ll buy a camcorder, order loadsa alcohol for mates and get them to enact the pilot episode. Then it’s on to YouTube land baby. Hopefully, the TV show would turn out to be one of those success stories u watch on CNN.

Okay back to family/wedding news. Arrived from PH on December 23rd and noticed Chief was happier than usual. Turns out that Kinzo’s FINALLY settled on a chick he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Yes, u read that right. I was shocked and knew he was crazy serious after I asked, “So how’s ur bingo?” and he replied, “Nah, she’s not a bingo.” Woah. Normally, he’d laff and retort with, “Which of them? Ur biatches cool as well?” Chief was so happy when Kinzo ‘officially’ introduced his fiancée to the family – as is my luck I was out on the town that evening – I heard he popped champagne like it was a hip-hop video.

Now Kinzo’s his favourite son and Ayo – he’s around from the UK – and I are the butt of all his jokes. Happiest person ‘cos of this is Loye ‘cos after Chief delivered a killer line to Ayo Loye stopped being the dude we all take the piss out of. Peep this: This year we decided to forgo the usual family Xmas lunch at a hotel due to Seyi’s marriage ceremonies and settled for takeout. Ayo’s current girlfriend had arrived from the UK in the wee hours of the morning and was upstairs sleeping when one of his ex’s who’s still close to everyone in the house showed up. Chief called Ayo aside and the ff conversation ensued:

Chief: Er, so ur current girlfriend’s gonna be at the engagement ceremony tomorrow?
Ayo: Yes.
Chief: And this ur ex’s gonna be there as well?
Ayo: Yes.
Chief: I, er, wouldn’t want any scenes at the ceremony tomorrow so u….well, u know what u’re doing?
Ayo: Dad, nada to worry about. My ex is still a friend and she knows about the current girlfriend so there’s no problem.

The day before the wedding Chief sees Ayo with another girl and issues the aforementioned killer line. “Man, I know I am bad but I have nothing on you.” That sent us all rolling on the floor with aching ribs. In my case he kept commenting about a conversation we had a few weeks back when he called me in PH.

Chief (*after exchanging the usual pleasantries*): So who’s this girl u wanna put up in ur house?
Tunde: Huh?
Chief: My friend, u can run (from Lagos) but u cannot hide. The girl u offered a room in ur crib! I bumped into her father the other day and he told me, he’s a good friend of mine.
Tunde: Ha. Ur problem is u know too many folk. Nah, I offered her a place to stay as we used to work together in Lagos and she’s now taken up a position in PH. My place’s just one of the options she’s considered ‘cos her relatives live real far from her office.

Come to think of it having a female roommate does make my aim of having the ultimate bachelor crib unachievable. Hmmmm, well new roommie’s only staying over ‘til she gets her own crib so guess it’s not all that bad. Besides she says she loves to cook so that’s cool ‘cos I’ve decided to forego free food after I bit off more than I’d chew few weeks ago in PH.

Free food-partner-in-grift called and told me to get dressed as his neighbour had invited him for an event where there’s bound to be lovely FREE cuisine. Got to the venue and turned out to be some launch party for some secondary school’s Old Girls Association. Lol….I’da known that in his quest for a “wife” my mate would go to any lengths. To cut a long story short the caterers delivered the food late so our plan to escape before the launch commenced was foiled. As the turnout was quite low the organizers were so desperate for donations they called on all present, including the DJ (50% off his usual fee), caterers (free toothpicks), five infants (20 Naira each) and my mate and I to help out with their launch. Ended up coughing out 5,000 Naira for what I thought would be a free meal. To make matters worse the meal was crap: too much rice in the salt and the crispy ice cream was not to my liking.

Sorry for digressing, okay back to family news. Yeah, ‘cos of new roommie Chief now goes around the house telling all who’d listen that I am dodgy. My pleas that the girl’s not my type and is best friends with an ex have only added fuel to the fire as my brothers have always maintained I never let on to anyone I am genuinely interested in. Hey, I can’t seem to win here. While bursting each other’s chops it occurred to me that my male siblings seem to have a ‘type’. Kinzo likes them light-skinned and skinny, Ayo big butt and vivacious, Loye skinny, Jide voluptuous and homely, and Tunde Angelina Jolie lookalikes. Ha.

Kinzo’s choice was shocking to neighbors and siblings ‘cos they seemed real fond of one of the chicks he dated for a long while. When asked why she didn’t make the cut Kinzo replied that he wasn’t at liberty to divulge the criteria for making a choice. Man, that’s the s%$t I’m scared of the most; dating someone for so long and then having to break the news to her she ain’t the one u wanna end up with. It’ll take a lot for that chick to trust a man again. I mean virtually everyone in my family knew her, well come to think of it, virtually everyone in my family knew Kinzo’s other ex-girlfriends as well. Ha. Think the problem is most chicks take meeting a dude’s family as the be all and end all. Ayo said his current girlfriend in the UK was feeling chuffed after she met my dad when he visited the UK. Dude had to explain to her that that meant nada as some of his ex’s virtually lived in my house in the UK and still nada came off those relationships.

I have never been too comfortable with chicks meeting family, maybe that’s why siblings complain that most of time they don’t find out I’m in a relationship ‘til it’s ended; maybe I don’t like to jinx stuff. Speaking of relationships had a chat with a mate at my brother-in-law’s bachelor’s eve party and dude’s absolutely buzzing about his new girlfriend. “Even though she’s in her final year of university she complains that I spend too much on her. Can u believe it? I just started furnishing a house and she would rather I spend money on the house than on her. When I do something that pisses her off she tells me. Dude, I think she’s The One.” Awwww. Now let that be a lesson for y’all women out there who’re just after the short term. U know that mate of mine in PH who accused me of u know what? Well, dude’s got chicks in every corner of PH and his ‘main’ girlfriend knows about it but accepts it. U actually think dude’s gonna wanna end up with someone like that eventually, someone that acquiesces to everything he says? Me neither. Hey, maybe that was one of Kinzo’s wife-selection criteria!

Lagos news: As the PH airport’s still not fixed over 5 months after it got shut for whatever reason it got shut for I had to travel to Owerri to get a flight to Lagos and was again treated to the always welcoming sight of refuse heaps in Aba. Man, and the governor of this state still hopes to be president of Nigeria. Why do all these……..nah, not gonna talk about politics, well not in this blog anyways. So arrived in Lagos and discovered the petrol scarcity that’s pervaded PH for the past week and a half was also rampant in Lagos. Folk actually spent Xmas day queuing for petrol. Man, it’s crazy embarrassing that no one knows the reason for the paucity in refined crude oil products. The petroleum marketers blame the government authorities and vice versa. Quite surprising that fuel supply returned to normalcy only after another pipeline explosion in Lagos that killed hundreds of people. A little guilt, perhaps?

I think our problem is this country is the incessant greed that seems imbibed in every Nigerian. The man on the street blames the rulers for embezzling government funds, yet when an opportunity arises to do the right thing he takes advantage of his fellow human beings by gouging the price on his services. A certain marketer in PH raised the price of petrol from 65 Naira to 110 Naira after he noticed queues building up outside his station, and yet he tasks the government for not doing enough for the masses.

‘Cos of fuel scarcity spent a significant amount of time in the house and decided to assign ring tones to certain names on my phone. Hey, it was during commercial break on ESPN and they were showing those stupid, punk ass Poker adverts. Man, I just wanna smack someone when those commercials come on. Poker pro indeed, friggin’ degenerate gambler more like. Man, I have seen those commercials too many times I can recite them in my head. I friggin’ hate them. Assigned Avant’s Lie About Us to some chick who I’d an arrangement with ages ago, James Blunt’s Goodbye My Lover to an ex I am fond of, TuPac’s Wonder Why They Call U B&%ch to an ex I am not too fond of, Boyz II Men’s Dreams to some chick I’m buzzing over, An Idiot Is Calling to a mate who only calls to borrow money, Offspring's Pretty Fly (For A White Guy) to Miguel, NTA News theme song to my dad, and got to names of other family members when it occurred to me that they don’t call me. Only one sis in UK calls to check up on me from time to time. Parents call now and then, but siblings and cousins don’t call. Last time they called was on my birthday! Hey, what sorta crap ass siblings do I have? Man, when my TV show takes off they gonna pay big time. Ha huh ha huh ha huh ha.

Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Hey, it occurred to me that over the Xmas period peeps either have extra talk time on their phones or feel real guilty/lonely ‘cos the number of calls and text messages I have received is overwhelming. Almost as if peeps peruse their address books and PDAs on Xmas eve and decide to reach out to folks they haven’t contacted since last Xmas.

PPS
As if poker wasn’t bad enuff, just observed paintball is shown on ESPN as sport. Whatever next, a competition to see who can excrete poo continuously for an hour? Hey, at least those paintball guys get to run around unlike those poker chumps. I swear if I see another poker commercial I’ll smash the TV in. Y’all think I won’t do it, huh? Okay, let’s place a wager on that. Geddit, geddit? Awww, forget yous.

PPPS
Forgot to mention I spent almost all free time on last tour of the R.I.G. pumping iron ‘cos bumped into some military guy who’s so cut his heartbeat’s tough enuff to pound yam. Serious. Got to Lagos and peeps were asking about my new buffness and came up to me for exercise and diet tips. Yeah, like I’d have a clue. I eat loadsa sweet stuff and try to balance that by working out real hard when I have the time. Most popular question I get is, “how do I reduce the size of my protruding stomach?” Er, I dunno, stop getting pregnant maybe? I have discovered keeping a flat stomach’s real difficult to do so I work out extra hard so my chest always protrudes further than my gut. That way folk don’t notice as much.

Problem with new buffness is I’ve become like those folk at gyms I detest. U know them, those folk who walk around the gym flexing muscles in the mirror after every 2-minute workout. Noticed I now do something similar; I walk around the house….and Lagos in general with just boxer shorts on. When peeps complained I flexed my stomach muscles and retorted (in my best Schwarzenegger accent) with, Talk to the six pack, u puny human! Damn, I need help.

If u too lazy to workout here are a few temporary cheap fixes to get that “buff” look:

1. If u have a favourite t-shirt most folk see u wearing, buy a smaller replica. This’d deceive folk into thinking ur biceps are larger. This also helps to reduce time spent on ironing…..(think about it).
2. Watch loadsa later episodes of Baywatch to see how David Hasselhoff mastered the art of walking and talking with his stomach sucked in.
3. Buy a girdle.
4. Avoid pool parties.