Global warming’s a bi&%h

Hola peeps. Alguien satisface me alimenta. I had planned to write this blog entry from the R.I.G., but for the past 6 days I haven’t been able to fly to the rig due to poor visibility caused by harmattan. Apparently, it’s so bad in PH birds flying crash into each other. Man, I wanna go to the R.I.G. so bad it hurts. Hey, wait a minute. Ain’t u the one always complaining about sleep deprivation on the R.I.G.? Why u wanna go so bad? Yeah, I know but I’m a natural complainer. Maybe I wasn’t breast-fed enuff as a kid; maybe I was breast-fed too much.

If I am being honest I wanna make it to the R.I.G. ‘cos mate who cooks has travelled. Don’t gimme that look! I’d planned to buy a cooker and a microwave – I couldn’t nick one from Lagos – after my return from the R.I.G., but the inclement flying weather has just made me hang on for days on end not sure when I’d be able to set out. Being stuck in PH hasn’t been so bad….nah, who am I kidding? It’s been awful, it’s set my life off kilter. Was scheduled to be on the afternoon flight last Friday so sent my luggage (with toiletries) on the morning flight ‘cos didn’t wanna mess up my newly manicured nails. Suffice to say the afternoon flight got cancelled and I’ve been waiting to depart PH since. More on this later.

Family news: Man, can’t believe Kinzo’s getting married. Real excited for him…or maybe I am living my lif vicariously thru him. Hope he doesn’t change his mind ‘cos among male siblings dude’s the one with shortest fuse.
While in Lagos walked into a situation where oldest bro Tayo was handing down advise to Kinzo on what to expect now that he’s told his exes (that were hoping to be the missus) he’s off the market. Kinzo said their reactions ranged from Maybe I’d not have travelled when I did and Gimme 2 weeks and I’ll make u change ur mind to If ur other chicks weren’t involved and it was just a straight choice b/w ur fiancée and I, who would u have chosen? and Er, er, so got any friends that are single and looking to get married asap?.

Tayo told us to expect one or all of the following (‘cos same happened to him):

a. Exes getting engaged asap and setting her wedding same day as Kinzo’s
b. Exes hanging around wanting to be “friends” and getting real pissed off and ending friendship on eve of his wedding ‘cos they realize he ain’t gonna change his mind
c. Exes telling all their friends to keep a lookout for any indiscretion on the part of Kinzo’s fiancée
d. Exes hurling insults at him and bad mouthing his name about town

Lol….the latter reminds me of my first girlfriend. Man, she was psycho.

Kinda felt like imparting knowledge to Kinzo as well, but knew he’d not listen to me since he’s older and feels he’s experienced more of life than I have. As no member of family knows I have a blog, let alone reads it, it’s up to y’all to read what I’da said to Kinzo. Just three words: think long term.

Kinzo, it’s all lovey dovey now, but when things aren’t so great think of the good times. Tayo’s mate who’s now divorced gave me valuable advice once: “U wanna know a woman to marry? Don’t make up ur mind ‘cos u love her ‘cos that buzzing feeling would most definitely wane. Look for a woman whose worstest of the worstest behaviour won’t make u wanna kill her. Women have a knack of discovering ur last nerve and stomping all over it.”

Kinzo, beauty’s not everything, as evidenced by numerous divorce rates including Jason and Joumana Kidd. (Man, but u gotta admit Joumana’s fiiinnneeee.) Think long term by asking urself the following:

1. When u both get older, and ur stomach protrudes and her boobs drop so flat plastic surgery and 20 push-up bras can’t lift it, would u still love her?

2. When her facial hair grows so fast that her barely visible pencil moustache (that u now think is cute) transmogrifies into a thick forest that Disney decides to shoot the new Lion King movies in it, would u still adore her?

3. When she grows so fat that u gotta massage her thru the door, and when u comment “Oh honey, I love ur new perfume” and she replies, “What perfume? I didn’t spray…….ooops, the aroma’s from a tablet of soap that got stuck in my folds. I have been looking for that since I last showered…..last week”, would u still cherish her?

I feel these questions should be asked of folks when they take their wedding vows.

Really hoping Kinzo goes thru with it ‘cos he’s some dude that doesn’t give a damn about repercussions. Dude broke up with some equally bellicose girlfriend ‘cos she said she’d wanna have a hyphenated name if they get married. Kinzo’s response? “If u love ur father’s name so much why don’t u marry him?” Yup, it was one of those arguments that effectively blows out the barely flickering flame from any relationship. Y’all might still be friends, but things ain’t never gonna be the same no matter how y’all try. Goodness knows I’ve had a few of those in my time. Worst I can remember was with an ex who came to the States on holidays shortly after I moved there and called just once.

Tunde: So u back in the UK now? Enjoyed ur trip? U left 2 weeks ago?
Girlfriend H: Er, no, I arrived in the UK this morning.
Tunde: Hold on a minute, so u were in the States for 3 weeks and called me just once? Thought we were tight…
Girlfriend H: Well, u know I was busy.
Tunde (*thinking to himself, “And this was the chick that cried at the airport when I left 2 months ago. This was the chick who made me spend my last weekend in the UK with her, even though we had long broken up. Damn, I’da spent that weekend with Miss ____ and Miss _____ instead, at least I’da gotten more nookie…”*)
Girlfriend H: I CAN’T BELIEVE U JUST SAID THAT.
Tunde (*thinking to himself, “Ooops, did I say that out loud? Damn.”*)

So u see we all go through it. I just pray it works out well for Kinzo ‘cos never seen the dude so happy. His fiancée seems quite chilled out. Hope his wedding’s as fun as Seyi’s ’cos I danced so hard, and sweated like crazy, that my boxer shorts had to be dry-cleaned. However, thang that pissed me off the most was when older folk came up to Ayo and I and said, “u are next o.” U appreciate the sentiment, but u know they just saying that ‘cos they wanna party. Oh, it’s a shame that couple that got married 2 months ago are already separated, but man, what a wedding party! Let’s hope both of them find other people soon so we’d go to another party.

Almost wish I’d a suitable retort for such folk. “I am next, huh? Bet u wish we’d say the same about ur gay son. Ooops, u didn’t know he was gay? Er, er, my bad. Er, just to satisfy my curiosity, u really had no clue? The lisp, the sway, and the fact that his best mate’s a Brazilian hairdresser called Reynaldo, didn’t give him away? Woah, parents can sure live in denial.”

Entertainment news: Dontcha just love the mud slinging b/w Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump? Classic stuff. Heard Rosie’s also drawn Oprah’s ire by questioning her sexuality. Lol. Last time stuff like that occurred it was Boy George questioning George Michael’s heterosexuality (way before the LA public restroom incident of course). I’m just saying……

That said all props to Oprah for establishing that school for girls in South Africa. Same week Oprah opened the school I came across the story of some American baseball player who ended his practise of giving free baseball tickets to under-privileged kids just ‘cos he wasn’t receiving enough props from the media. Tsh. Tsh.

Driving around PH when I saw a poster for a new Nollywood movie. The title? Ass On Fire. I kid u not. Whatever next, Drop It Like It’s Hot? Guess Nollywood geniuses have decided to be more radical since previously one’d predict the storyline just from the title: Wicked Stepmother; Pregnant Teenager; Trouble At Aso Rock: President and Vice President At Logger Heads. Lol. Hey, if we use the same logic then guess Ass On Fire could be the story of a homosexual’s first sexual experience or the after-effects of eating real spicy food. Man, I kill myself.

Recently saw a Naija martial arts movie and I’da sworn that Naija movies don’t have slow motion, just peeps moving real slow. Next time u watching a Naija movie, check it out if u think I’m lying. Plan to do spoof of Naija movies, but peeps mightn’t know the difference. Still I’m gonna get renowned Naija actors (since most of them would star in anything) to act the fool in the movie just to see how the public reacts. Hmmmm…could that work in other aspects of life? For instance, pay a football referee to hand out yellow cards to any player that walks past him……and have him defend his position on TV. Lol. Hey, breaking news on CNN: David Beckham’s off to LA Galaxy from Real Madrid. Hmmmmm……and I should care because?

PH news: No power and fuel scarcity’s still the norm. Remember mate who had an encounter with Miss Red Hot Cherries? Dude said he’s finally kicked her to the curb.

Tunde: Lol…why? Thought u said u were ready to settle down.
Mate: Yeah, but not with her. U see I went by her house to tell her to stop calling me and she got in my car so decided to drive to mine.
Tunde: Lol….yeah, right.
Mate: Serious, I went there just to talk. Anyways so we get to mine and she picks up a broom and starts sweeping.
Tunde: Why?
Mate: Heck if I know. Told her it wasn’t necessary, but she insisted. Afterwards she picked up the mop and started…..
Tunde: Lol….no, she didn’t!
Mate: She did. Told her not to bother, but she insisted. So I start ironing while she’s mopping…
Tunde: Awww. Ain’t that cute? Y’all are like Nigeria’s own Cliff and Claire Huxtable.
Mate: SHUT UP. So I leave the iron on while I go into my room to send a text message and specifically told her not to touch the iron. I come back and the iron’s turned off. She said, “I turn (sic) it off because I think it catch (sic) fire.” That was the last straw. Told her I needed my space from all her fake wifey act. Can u imagine, she told me she loved me the first night we hung out? Loves my apartment more like.
Tunde: Lol….hey, never heard of love at first sight?
Mate: As if. So I take her back to her crib and ask for my business card back ‘cos don’t trust her. Who knows she could use it for juju.
Tunde: Lol…man, u sure are something. U actually asked for ur card back?
Mate: Yep, and she gave it back to me.
Tunde: Lol…no, she didn’t.
Mate: Yes, she did.
Tunde: No.
Mate: Yes.
Tunde: Nah, impossible.
Mate: Yes, I have got it right here. I still feel she’s up to something ‘cos since that day I’ve seen tadpoles in my toilet bowl. No matter how many times I flush they keep coming back.
Tunde: ROTFLMBRACOWFSMIFOAMAAMLSP* (*Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Blistered Right Ass Cheek Off While Flexing Stomach Muscles In Front Of A Mirror And Admiring My Lovely Six Pack)

A few days later I bump into him and ask him why he’s downcast. “I think I’ve met the chick I wanna marry; I used to go out with her. Problem is I hear women from her village are gold diggers, so I send her a text message asking if she’s one. Now she’s angry. Wasn’t that a valid question?” See why I love hanging out with this dude?

Rig news: What news?! I haven’t left PH….didn’t y’all read the first two paragraphs? Man, being stuck in PH has thrown a nasty monkey wrench in my well orchestrated schedule and I have been tempted to do drastic stuff like checking into a hotel so I’d nick (yes, I feel so bad for actually thinking about it) a Bible from those placed in their rooms – I’d sent mine with luggage to the R.I.G. Where are Jehovah’s Witnesses when one needs them? Ha. Other ways life has been affected by flight rescheduling include:

1. Spending more time in apartment……and realized a number of things are wrong with apartment: The electric sockets in the master bedroom and ‘blue’ room don’t function, the mosquito nets are not affixed properly, the ironing board is so low a dwarf on his knees would have backache after ironing an item of clothing. Problem is I was such in a hurry to move in I paid someone to sort out the crib while I busied myself with drooling over an Angelina Jolie poster I had recently purchased on ebay.
2. Plunging into bottom of underwear drawer for ‘back up’ boxer shorts as most boxer shorts are, yep u guessed it, in luggage on the R.I.G. ‘Back up’ boxers? Those ones that were once ur favourite but now have massive tears in the crotch section.
3. Applying roommie’s cocoa butter cum aloe vera cum hemp cum vitamin E lotion concoction that women love so much. Crap lotion still leaves my skin as ashy as an orangutan’s butt. Man, I miss my baby oil – yup, in luggage on R.I.G. - that leaves my skin supple and glowing, and smoothens the ridges of my six-pack.
4. Wearing the same pair of dirty jeans for 5 consecutive days hoping I’d go to rig and get it laundered there. Also packed some dirty clothes in laptop bag and as I type this laptop smells like arse and toe jam.
5. Trying out a number of eateries and thinking of doing my own Zagat list for PH eateries.
6. Making more observations about PH. Noticed every tiny store that sells groceries and the like has SUPERMARKET in bold letters inscribed on the doors. Shouldn’t the word SUPER connote huge, humungous, gigantic, Wal Mart-esque? Maybe we’d refer to them as SUPAmarkets instead.
7. Seeing dead guy on the street and wondering who to call. Ghost busters, anyone? Geddit, geddit? Aw, forget yous. Seriously, what government department’s responsible for this? Obasanjo just conducted another cabinet reshuffle maybe he’d have a Special Adviser on Dead Bodies Abandoned On Roads.
8. Thinking of decision to return to Nigeria and wondering if I have any regrets. Don’t think so. I tell u though I almost packed it in after the car in front of me was mugged two weeks after I got jacked. Ha. Hey, February 14th would make it 2 years since I have been back. And they said I’d not last a year. Yeah, that day’s also the day Hallmark’s designated as prove ur love to ur spouse and pray u get her a gift that’s better than her best friend’s…..else u in BIG trouble day. Just realized I’ve never spent consecutive Valentine’s days with the same person, I always have a different date/girlfriend. Ouch. Maybe that’d be my criteria for choosing a bride.
Problem’s always what to get as a present. Teddy bears, flowers, chocolate, perfume worked back at uni, but now one’s gotta be more creative. Hmmmmm. I’ve got it. Neighbour’s got puppies for sale and chicks tend to think it’s romantic…..at least that’s what the movies and music videos have taught us. Not sure if Naija chicks are gonna appreciate it as most single ones still live in their folks’ homes and folks mightn’t appreciate dog turd as a garden ornament. Now if I was dating a Korean chick a puppy would be a win-win situation. (Think about it.)

Now y’all see why I need to get on the R.I.G. asap. Please fast and pray for weather change ‘cos my sanity’s at stake. Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Eureka! I’ve just come up with an idea to sort out the weather issues. I’m gonna wear a suit tomorrow (my normal not going to the rig wear) to confuse the weather. Hey, maybe global warming is a farce.

PPS
Stop press: Global warming my arse. It worked, it friggin’ worked! As I type this I’m about to get on the helicopter. Na na na na na. In the words of Leo DiCaprio’s character Jack (in one of the worst movies ever made), “I am king of the world!!!!” In the words of Denzel’s character Alonzo (in Training Day), “King Kong ain’t got s&%t on me!!!!”.

PPPS
Er, the weather’s changed abruptly so shall not be flying to rig again. Damn.

PPPPS
Hold up a minute. David Beckham's contract is worth $50 million a year! I do care. I do care!!!!!!!