To the left, to the left / Everything about Babatunde is to the left

Hola peeps. ¿Qué está sucediendo? I think I best explain the title of this blog entry. It’s not like I’m narcissistic – I’m not – or that I think the world revolves around me – we all know it does – it’s just that I can’t help but put my name in songs. (I am sure if I was in the US shrinks woulda come up with a name for this here ‘condition’ and load me up with placebo disguised as genuine medication, when all I really need is a slap. Ha.)

It started back in Bradford when some guys nicknamed the Shimla Bros (long story) thot I was responsible for coining that moniker – I wasn’t – and changed the first line from a famous nursery rhyme to: Baaah baah Tunde, have u any wool? (Friggin’ hilarious, right? Wish I’d come up with that myself) Anyways, around that time The REM song DaySleeper was on the radio a lot and since it was let-us-pick-on-Tunde season some guy change it to, yup u guessed it, DayTunde. Problem is I loved that song and b4 u’d say, “hey, isn’t this kinda a longwinded explanation for something we don’t give a hoot about in the first place?” I began to unknowingly insert my name in songs. Sad, huh? If u’d like to donate to my undertaking further research on this, er, ‘condition’ please send ur cheques to the usual address.

So how u guys been doing? Haven’t kept in touch ‘cos been away on the R.I.G. again; more on that later. Read Julio’s entry and that dude really needs help. However, I do agree with some of the points he raised. The blog entry took me back to when as a kid I watched an aunt read COSMO and take those crap How U Know He Likes U tests. One that always stuck in my head was a chick can tell a guy really likes her when he allows her use his toothbrush. Huh? (To be honest the first and only time a chick offered me her toothbrush I thought, “hmmm, I wonder how many guys have used this same brush.” Cynical I know, but hey, that’s what exposure to COSMO as a kid does to u.)

Now I know most of u dating women reading this would purposely forget ur dental kits just to test this out. It’s utter rubbish, just like that crap movie, The Brothers, where Morris Chestnut’s mom advises chicks that one way to know if a man loves u is if he offers u the last slice of cake on his plate. Do u know some chicks actually fell for that s%$t? C’mon peeps, wake up and smell the smelling salt! There’s no hard and fast rule for relationships. Last slice of cake indeed. What if the cake’s crap or like the Pot Noodle commercial, the dude offers u the food only ‘cos while u were bugging him the dog ate some of it off the plate. Okay, that’ll be the last reference to punkish Julio’s blog…..okay one more.

When I returned to Naija last year one of my ideas was to set up a speed-dating agency, but some chick told me, ”Naija guys would never sign up for such ‘cos it’d appear as if they have no game and thus be a knock on their manhood. Naija chicks would stay away ‘cos they’d think people would regard them as desperate. Maybe if u disguised it as a networking event for young professionals….” So I squashed the idea, but lately it’s been simmering again due to 2 things: a widely-read Nigerian tabloid that has Page 3 girls, similar to UK tabloids only fully-clothed, who leave their cell phone numbers beside their full length pics; and an insanely popular Nigerian women’s mag that has a tiny flip-real-fast-and-u’ll-miss-it column on the back page that profiles up and coming young ladies and asks them questions like Where do u work?; What do u love about ur job?; Who do u admire?; etc. The hilarious thang is they always give beauty pageant responses such as, “I admire Oprah Winfrey because she has empowered lots of women and came up from nothing and….”. I have done some investigation – okay I know some of the profiled chicks – and what the column doesn’t tell us is they ALL single. Why don’t we be more honest and ask real questions such as Ur parents are really bugging u to get married, huh?; What type of guy are u looking for, any height/region/religious/job/facial marks/hirsute/jewelleried-mouth restrictions?; How old are u REALLY?; etc? I know that’d be of more interest to us guys.

Just got a call from a mate who’s getting married in May. Ladies and gentlemen, I have been upgraded from Chief Host to Groom’s Man. Yippee. Now all I gotta do is wait the launch of his wedding website. Yup, EVERY Nigerian couple with IT-savvy mates has a wedding website. The other day I went with a friend to buy pirated DVDs– y’all know I’d NEVER buy those illegal stuff, right? Good, remember that when I begin my presidential campaign – and this dude wanted to sell us The Ultimate Nigerian Wedding Website Collection. I kid thee not. If I’d the know-how I’d create a wedding website for myself titled, Tunde weds Miss X. It’d be a work in progress ‘til I find that special someone that could take Angelina’s place. It’d contain various sections like:

Our Background: Tunde’s an exotic dancer, blogger, actor, model, and spokesperson for Baldmen Against Wigs and Toupes, an NGO. He has a number of patented dance-steps that he’s currently fighting tooth and nail to get royalty payments for.
Miss X is a Nobel Prize winner, world-class chef, and former Miss World whose sole aim in life is to make Tunde happy.;

How We Met: Tunde and Miss X met at the mall/airport/wedding/Lagos traffic/restaurant/wig convention (delete as appropriate);

How She Proposed…and How Many Times Tunde Said No;

How Tunde Said Yes When He Discovered A Certain William Henry Gates III is Her Uncle; etc.

Screw it, I’m gonna create this site.

Entertainment news: Michael Richards, aka Cosmo Kramer in SEINFELD, shouted the N-word repeatedly at two hecklers during a stand-up performance. Some comedian remarked, “Freedom of speech has its limits. He’s an actor trying his hand at comedy and it showed ‘cos if he had done this a while he’d know how to handle hecklers.” Poor Mr. Richards had to do the usual Hollywood thang by calling on his friends to defend him and claiming he’s not racist. I’m still waiting on his publicists to come up with the inevitable I was abused as a kid and that’s why I did what I did line.

Did y’all notice no black celebs came to his rescue? Probably ‘cos he has no black celeb friends, or no black celeb in their right mind would do that for fear of being branded an uncle Tom. Ladies and Gentlemen, the November 2006 John Rucker award goes to Michael Richards!!!!! Lol. Man, dying on a stand-up stage is the worst nightmare of all comics, but don’t fret there’s help out there. Cue the infomercial:

U down on ur luck? Ur acting career in a funk? Wanna try ur hand at stand-up comedy, but not sure if u funny? WELL, HERE COMES HELP IN THE FORM OF….WAIT FOR IT……THE LAUGHER! That’s right. For the little price of a signature on a Green Card application and a monthly stipend this Nigerian would laugh at all ur jokes and bring his/her friend along to all ur shows. Their boisterous guffaws are contagious and bound to get other patrons laughing. Wanna try out ur N-word jokes? These guys would laugh and laugh and make other non-black patrons less apprehensive. C’mon,what are u waiting for? If u order now we’ll send u this new book by Angelina Jolie (P-R-A-Y-E-R: The Only Way To Make That Man Do What U Want When U Don’t Look Like Me) absolutely free!!!!

Other entertainment news: Due to my connections in the music industry I have discovered the latest beef is no longer b/w rappers, but singers. Yup, Nate Dogg has taken Akon to task for usurping his position as the official singer of hooks for rappers. The out-of-work singer was last spotted planning a duets album with ex-Boy II Man Michael McCreary, titled Don’t Make Me Use My Walking Cane.

Hey, speaking of Akon, saw his performance on some award show and dude has no stage presence. It’s so bad that even those Spelling Bee freak kids have this guy beat. He just looked awful singing about the hip-hop theme du jour: strippers. All ATL rappers, Chingy, Nelly, Jermaine Dupri, R. Kelly, and let’s not forget T-Pain who looks as if he’d write nursery rhymes about strippers. Man, every other rapper and his homies are professing love for strippers, even octogenarian Jay-Z gets in on the act in his new album - retirement my arse. Did the strippers union lobby for this? Y’all best sing about us else we gonna stop appearing in ur videos!

R.I.G news: Yeah, just returned from another stint on the R.I.G. Initially thot I’d never wanna return to this place but kinda getting used to it. Besides, the new batch of dance students are real eager…and guess what? They finally allowed a female student register! U’d see the havoc she’s causing the 80+ guys on board. Lol…for all they care Halle Berry has nada on this chick, especially not after spending this long where only sight of female’s on the TV.

All my mates keep asking what life on the R.I.G. is like. Wanna know? Okay, click on this LINK to find out.

Did it work? No? Lol…..wait, y’all actually expected me to take pics for y’all sakes without monetary compensation?! U must not know bout me / U must not know bout me / I could be smoking weed in a minute / Instead of taking crap pictures in a minute. Lol…..man, I can’t get that song outta my head.

Anyways, R.I.G. life is like watching an episode of The Simpsons; u’ve seen it loadsa times but each time u watch it u get a new joke. First, I discovered the food, then the business women in canoes. Now I’ve discovered a threefer: I am addicted to weightlifting, Nigerians don’t have a movie industry, and absence sure does make the heart grow fonder. The latter first (Aw Tunde, I love it when u play with words).

As the A.D.S (y’all still remember what that stands for, right?) I get to lord over all and sundry and as such assign phone privileges like Caesar. Man, u’d see me in my toga – yes, even macho men wear togas - when folk come into my office and ask plead to use the phone. Thumbs up means yes; thumbs down means no; upward pointing middle finger means…..well, u get the idea. Anyways these dudes call their loved one(s) and begin to profess undying love as soon as the other party picks up the phone. “U know I love u. I’ll be back in exactly 13 days, 9 hours and 50 seconds. Man, I can’t wait to see u.” There’s two guys who always seem to be on the phone; the first is newly married and keeps promising to bite – yup, that’s exactly what he says - his wife when he gets home and the other, well, here’s a snippet from his last conversation:

R.I.G. guy: Baby, how far? U still haven’t sent the stuff o.
Tunde (*thinking to himself*): Hmmm, are these dudes trying to sneak contraband on board?

R.I.G. guy: Baby, u have changed o. Why haven’t u sent it? U don’t have money? Ehen, na im u for talk now. U for tell me say u no dey buoyant.
Tunde (*thinking to himself*): Lol……buoyant? Do peeps use that word to describe liquidity status now? Man, I must be getting old.

R.I.G. guy: Baby, abi are the other chikes (sic) disturbing u? U know I am the one that loves u.
Tunde (*thinking to himself*): ROTFLMBLACO……man, this is pure comedy. First, buoyant, and now chikes (rhymes with bikes, in case y’all are wondering how to pronounce it) to describe other rivals. I sure hope whatever contraband they sneaking on has a dictionary to decipher what other slang this dude’s gonna use.

R.I.G. guy: Baby, I told u to email me the picture since u haven’t sent it and u say it’s ‘cos u not buoyant. U’d have told me so I’d send u something. Or u’d have borrowed money to send it and I’ll give u when I get off. I mean how much would it cost to use 30 seconds of internet time? In fact even if u want to use an hour sef, patapata na 100 Naira. I can send u 100 Naira credit as equivalent.
Tunde (*thinking to himself*): Man, so that’s what this is about, a friggin’ picture? And there I was listening instead of planning new dance choreography. But wait a minute, why does this dude want her pic so bad? Does he plan to show it off to the other guys? What?! And what’s up with starting every sentence with “Baby”?

R.I.G. guy: Baby, everytime it’s money, money, money. Ordinary to send picture. Hmmm….na wa o. U have changed, baby.
Tunde (*thinking to himself*): No wonder she doesn’t wanna send the picture, since u talking of sending 100 Naira credit. Didn’t know they sold them in that denomination. Guess u learn something new from being on the R.I.G.

While on the R.I.G. I discovered a new way to stay awake: pumping iron. As I left my VICKS inhaler – keep sniffing that whenever u falling asleep during a meeting - at home and couldn’t sneak out to have a 5-minute snooze in the restroom (another patented trick of mine) I tried lifting weights on the heli-deck to keep me busy. Guess what? It does the trick, but like the inhaler I have developed a dependency on weights. Serious. I start itching like a crackhead if a day goes by and I haven’t pumped iron. Now I’m off the R.I.G. there are no weights around so to curb the jonesing I lift anything I see: chairs, buckets full of water, TVs, dwarves, overweight babies, anything. I knew I had a problem when I started hanging around highways hoping a car would break down so I’d help push it away. Had to stop that after some guy called the police on me when he wanted to push his car to the side of the road, but I insisted on pushing it the 5 miles it’d take to his crib. Someone, please help!!!!!

Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Just realized I forgot to explain that line about the Nigerian movie industry. I bumped into some guys during lunch on the R.I.G. discussing some movie they had just seen on cable. “What’s the title of the movie u guys discussing?”, I asked. Their response: “Oga, no be movie o, na Nigerian home video.” I rest my case.