Guess who’s back / Back again / Julio’s back / Tell a friend

Hola peeps. Missed me? I know it’s been a long time, but I’ve been on a trip of self-discovery. A real loooooooooonnnnnnggggggggg trip. It all started after……nah, lemme tell y’all about that punk Tunde’s party first.

From his last blog Tunde said, and I quote, “Didn’t touch a drop of alcohol, but the whole night seemed like a blur; probably ‘cos I was running helter skelter trying to play the perfect host”. Yeah right, pull the other one it’s got huge ass Big Ben bells on it. Ooooh, I am Tunde and I’m teetotal. I don’t like to mess with my body ‘cos it’s a temple…. Well that day the monks musta taken a break from the temple ‘cos dude was absolutely, unequivocally plastered outta his head. Worst of all I discovered dude’s one of those extremely happy drunks who go around farting and laffing at their own jokes. Here are some of his greatest hits from that nite:

English bloke sees some chap hoisting a long metal tube and asks, “Are u a pole vaulter?” The chap replies, “No, I am German, but how did u know my name is Walter?”

Now that I am older I bet my mom would keep making references about marriage, especially now that another sis is getting hitched. Wouldn’t it be weird if she actually wanted to discuss my relationships? “So, er, Tunde my son, how’s ur love life? I know it sounds weird coming from me, but I am ur mother and u ought to be able to discuss with me. So, er, what’s ur, er, answer to the question I asked?” To which I’d reply, “Well, mom, since u asked, my love life’s great….there’s just this rash that I need to take care of….” Lol….I bet that would put her off.

I absolutely hate it when folk come up to u and ask, “Do u mind if I smoke?” Next time that happens I’ll reply, “Of course not, as long as u don’t mind if I pee on ur feet?”

What if normal folk called out their names on radio stations like stars do? “Hi, I am Tunde and when I’m in Lagos I tune in to WLKJ. From 8pm they always play hits from Dido and The Smiths that make me feel suicidal……”

See what I had to put up with most of the night? After each joke the punk went on to laff his blistered left ass cheek off while providing a surprisingly sound etymological dissection of each joke. Just in case y’all are interested he gleaned the Walter joke from one of Billy Connolly’s appearances on Parkinson. Dude was right about the party though, it was cool. Saw peeps I hadn’t seen in ages and best of all they didn’t mention my newly acquired paunch. Not to worry I’m working on getting my 3-pack back.

Man, that night took me back and not just ‘cos the DJ tore up the place with old school jams. It took me back to one of those extra special clubbing nights where everything just clicks: every woman u approach agrees to dance and gives u her number, heck, all women u interested in practical fall over themselves to dance with u! Well that used to happen about thrice a year when I was an avid clubber, and it happened again at the party. I practically had to fend them off with a stick………a cocktail stick, seeing as I left my wanna-be-pimp cane in the car.

Tunde introduced me to chick he claimed destroyed his phone (after he stored her in it) and as I always enjoy living on the edge I asked for her number and entered it in my PDA. The next day, almost like clockwork, my 4-year old PDA went kaput and now I have lost vital information. Serious. Man, this chick should have her own TV show: The Incredible Destroyer of Electronics. I tell y’all this chick coulda been a vital Russian ally during the cold war. Seeing as both my PDA and Tunde’s phone were manufactured by the Japanese it’d be her powers only work on products from that country; if so then maybe she’s actually on the payroll of the Chinese. I think we’d conduct further research to enquire if her powers work on: ALL electronic products (try entering her digits on a microwave console) or just storage devices; devices used by members of both sexes or just the testosterone-fuelled blockheads; etc. Yes, I know I am beginning to rant like Tunde so I’ll move on.

Highlight of the night was hanging out with Tunde and two of his best buddies afterwards. Went club hopping and nearly got into a fight with a bouncer. Ahhhh, good times. In one of his sober moments I felt Tunde’s eyes well up as he thanked us for joining him in celebrating this landmark. Lol….like I’d miss an opportunity for free booze and shrammps on the barrrrbie for the world. Afterwards one of his buddies said something truly deep: ”Tunde, now u’re 30 u have no more excuses. U know that u now the boss of ur life so if u screw up u can’t blame anyone…” Man, wish I had a camcorder ‘cos that was truly a Kodak moment. Guys getting emotional? Priceless. Anyways, the same dude ruined the Kodak moment by immediately segueing from that deep soliloquy to rantings about his frustration at trying to bed some virgin he just met. Can u imagine?! No wonder women think us guys have no hearts. The night ended with me driving 3 drunken fellas home. Joy oh joy.

So back to the reason for my long absence: journey of self-discovery. And what did I discover after my year-long sojourn across the world? I am a mess…….but surprisingly messed up enuff to advice folk on relationships, and being the capitalist pig that I am, charge folk for such advice. Peep this:

It happened exactly a year to the date. My life up ‘til then had consisted of jumping from one chick to another. Told myself that since I didn’t lie to them about my intentions I was free to do what I wanted. Didn’t help that I was in my annual “act like a woman stage” where I, er, act like a woman. Duh. No, it doesn’t involve doing an Eddie Izzard; the gist is every now and then I approach chicks and don’t get their numbers after a meaningful conversation. Instead, I give them my digits so the onus is on them to call. We go on dates and I still foot the bill, but I go against my usual nature by not kissing on the first date and doing the usual stuff women do to us guys. It works a treat and I got so good at it last year I unknowingly became a stone cold bastard.

One day after sleeping with this chick while her mate was in the same tiny room it suddenly hit me that my life was going nowhere fast. Throughout my life that point, lying in bed wondering why I was such a slave to nookie, was the absolute nadir. The very next morning I stretched out my feet, said a thank u prayer and then I brushed my teeth, planned to do a little exercise but I just ran, and ran, and ran. My plan was to run to the end of the street, but I thought since I’d run this far I might as well run across the city. When I got to the other side of the city I thought since I’d run this far I might as well run across the state. When I got to the state border I thought since I’d run this far I might as well run across the next state. When I got to the end of the other state I thought……..well, y’all get the picture. I just ran, and ran, and ran, and ran, and ran, and ran. When I got hungry I ate, when I needed to ease myself I did…on myself. I tell u there’s nada more refreshing than urine running down one’s leg; now my inner leg’s so fresh Michael Jackson would need 2 cosmetic surgeons working fulltime just to get his face to look that fresh.

Some months after I’d begun my ’run of self-discovery’ a voice in my head told me to stop and look back. I did, and do u know what I saw? Absolutely zilch. At least when Forrest Gump did the same he had a group of folk running behind him. Moi? Nada, not even a stray dog. Just absofriggin’lutely great. After I overcame that disappointment I decided on a whim to stop the next person I bumped into and pour my heart out, after all they say the best conversation u’d have is with a stranger. Who’s they? Dunno, I am sure I gleaned that line from a movie. Anyways, the lucky person happened to be some pregnant lady that we shall call Miss C.

God musta arranged that meeting ‘cos Miss C – who’s promised to name her kid after me ‘cos she finds me adorable – was like a Yoda to my Luke Skywalker. She had an answer for everything and passed on her 7 Pearls of Wisdom:

1. Forget about the past. Embarrassing situations make for good anecdotes.

Damn right……well, I won’t lie I still get a li’l ashamed thinking about some of the encounters I’ve had. Personal favourite is stepping up to some chick only ‘cos it was a cold, rainy Friday night. So I’m alone with her and she has bad breath, but turn my nose the other way ‘cos it’s a cold, rainy Friday night damn it! I notice this chick only wants to conversate in Yoruba and I’m doing my best to keep up, while interjecting a few choice sentences in pidgin English. Then she asks the question “Why does (sic) u want to be alone with me?” and I think to myself, “Is she having a laff? It’s cold and it’s rainy, take a wild guess. Okay, how best can I not sound desperate? Er, wait hold on a minute, did she say what I thot she said. Man, first the stinky breath and now she ain’t using her verbs properly….nah, man, it’s cold and raining maybe I heard wrong.” As I am about to answer she asks the question that’s like kryptonite to males with disingenuous intentions, “U have never speak (sic) to me before, what does (sic) u want from me?” The ff goes thru my head: “So it wasn’t something wrong with my ears after all. I know it’s cold and raining, but damn, a man’s gotta draw the line somewhere. I can’t do this, I am off home to get some sleep. Maybe it’s high time I got myself a girlfriend. Man, the guys are gonna bust my chops when they hear this….lol…..I betcha Tunde would be the first to come up with a nickname for her. Lol….how am I ever gonna live this down?”

Another favourite of mine is the Spanish Guitar chick. Yes, Tunde came up with that nickname. Chick and I had gotten together b4 and all was nice and dandy, but that night stuff just wasn’t happening if u know what I mean. Next thing u know she literally kicks me off her bed – that also contributed to my going on that run of self discovery – and goes on a rant about how I need to spend more time understanding her needs. The killer line that sent me laffing was when she went all Toni Braxton on me and said, “Julio, a woman needs to be treated like a Spanish guitar, u gotta play it slow and … ” I couldn’t hold it in anymore and just plain cracked up. I mean it’s one thing to express how u feel, but quite another to Xerox lines from a popular song.

2. Sex is a beautiful thing and there’s nothing better than having guilt-free sex. Yes, that means u’d stop humping around and get married, young man. The trick here is to honest with ur partner. U married them, u know what they like so if u ain’t getting satisfied or want them to do something tell them and not spend ur time ranting about it to ur friends. That way both of u learn to solve any problems. Look at me, I am 7 months pregnant and my husband and I both find each other utterly desirable. I swear sometimes I was this stomach was attached by suction so I’d pull it off and lay it on the side whenever I see my husband.

Lol…..man, she was a great help. Also discovered that Kegel exercises aren’t just for pregnant women. So what/who/where/which is Kegel? Do some research folks, u’ll be amazed.


3. Women talk. It’s in our nature. Don’t take offense, just be open and accept that ALL women, even church-going Xtian sisters and burka-wearing Muslim ones, blab to their close female friends about EVERYTHING. So all the noise, moans, etc. u make their friends know about it…..and are more than likely either giving u props or laffing their ass off at u. Either way u can be sure u have a nom de plume.

Damn! I wish I didn’t know this; don’t think I can stand that much pressure.

4. When u are in a relationship with someone only way to be happy is if u accept them for who they are. People, women especially, get into a relationship hoping they can change the other person.

Amen, sister. Dunno why folk always ask my opinion about their relationship, as if it matters. So she has a serious H-factor and says stuff like, “I, my name his Helizabet and hi don’t heat heba and hegusi. Hi would rater ave ot hamala”, who cares? As long as she makes u happy – or appy – that’s all that matters. When u met her she talked that way so why all of a sudden u getting pissed off ‘cos ur mates are taking the mickey?

So ur boyfriend is cute, talented, caring, but happens to have a serious case of B.O. and halitosis, and the hair on his back is so think u need a lawnmower to get it off. U the one dating him so who cares what ur friends think? If u feel real bad then do stuff about it like teaching him proper grooming.

Was chilling with some friends last year talking about some dude who got married to a chick he hardly knew just ‘cos she was drop-dead gorgeous. One of us who’s getting hitched in January came up with this trite line: “I wouldn’t feel too comfortable if my fiancée was that fine. I know she doesn’t turn heads, and some might say she’s a bit ugly, but……” Lol….and I’d care ‘cos? I swear the next time someone asks, “So Julio, what do u think of my girlfriend?”, I’d smack them across the face.

5. Don’t ask questions if u not ready for an answer.

Scenario 1: Chick asks her boyfriend what his idea of an ideal woman is. Dude knew where this’d lead to and kept avoiding the question. But as women are wont to do she kept pressing and pressing and after a while dude told her, “I always imagined myself getting married to someone so drop-dead gorgeous guys will drool whenever she walks into a room. I know that’s not the way u are, but I am happy with u. Hello? Hello? See, u weeping now? Damn, I knew I’d not have answered that question, but u kept pushing. I thot u’d be okay with it, u said u’d be okay with any response I gave….”

Scenario 2: Dude calls up an ex about a year after their relationship ended acrimoniously just to see how she’s doing. Eventually they start talking on a normal tip, but just as friends. A month goes by and the chick asks the guy if he still has feelings for her. Dude makes up a number of ingenious excuses not to answer the question, but chick keeps pushing. Eventually he answers in the negative, and tells her he’s truly moved on. She, who’d earlier agreed to respect any decision he made, responds by spewing out a lot of expletives, questioning his manhood, calling dude all sorts of names and saying, “I feel sorry for any girl u’d date in the future”, repeatedly. Even after dude stops taking her calls she sends text messages and emails berating him for being such a cold-hearted bastard.

So guys, whenever a chick asks for ur opinion on stuff and u know the truth would make her uncomfortable either put off giving an answer or lie ur ass off.

6. Chicks just love to cry, they love down on luck stories; that’s why Lifetime Network in the States “where even commercials are true life stories” has such a huge following, and Beyonce will continue to sing/write songs about being wronged 20 years from now when the bitch is living la vida in a huge mansion surrounded by big-lipped kids.

This makes so much sense! While discussing this with a female mate she agreed and said she wonders sometimes if women get into bad relationships just so they could cry and have a story to tell at end of the day.

7. All humans are hypocrites. We make excuses to suit any particular situation we find ourselves in.

True that. We all have that middle-aged aunt who’s been dating a certain married man so long he’s practically part of the family. Yet when u hear stories of marital infidelity u wonder what the world’s coming to, but ur mind never remembers that aunt of urs. Also women, the next time a guy cheats on ur friend and u call him a dog, please remember all those times u tried to hook her up…..while she was dating the guy. As I speak type a friend’s currently shopping for a replacement boyfriend for her sister who’s in a 6-month relationship! I have lost count of the number of times chicks have tried to hook me up with friends of theirs. When I raise an objection they counter with, “But her boyfriend’s not up to her level, he doesn’t deserve her. What she needs is a guy like .” Oh, I see. So when I stop being “up to level” I get traded in as well?

After receiving the final pearl of wisdom Miss C told me it was time to return home and put what I learnt into practise. It’s been 8 weeks since and I have met a few chicks in that time span. I think I’m finally ready for an exclusive relationship, but finding it difficult finding that special someone to have that relationship with. Was talking to a mate and he seems to have the same problem. “Dude, in all my years in the US I can count the number of girlfriends I’ve had on 2 fingers, but since I returned to Naija last year if I’m gonna count I gotta include my toes as well. Why can’t I just find someone who stimulates me?” Hear, hear.

With chicks I have met all seemed great at first, but after 2 weeks we seem to tire of each other, and don’t get that buzz I felt initially. In 8 weeks I’ve hung out with

a. Dancer Chick:- met her at a night club and was excellent company and one heckuva dancer. Stopped buzzing the next time we hung out, i.e. a day later. Maybe it’s ‘cos she started referring to me as J-Boy after our first conversation.

b. Designer Chick:- met her thru a mutual friend and this chick’s got class and all. Had great conversations and could stay on the phone for hours on end, but this lasted for all of 2 weeks. In all honesty I think she stopped buzzing sooner than I did. Lol…chick after my own heart.

c. Nollywood actress:- So drop dead friggin’ gorgeous that she leaves ALL guys agape whenever she walks into a room. Upcoming actress on the Nigerian scene. Perfect conversationalist. She still has me buzzing, but don’t think it’ll last past the weekend.

d. Flirt Chick:- Known her for a while, but we keep skirting around each other. Finally decided to hang out and buzz ended almost immediately. Guess the fact that she calls me Honey and shows up at my crib unannounced is responsible for that. Currently changing address and other contact details ‘cos I seem to have a stalker on my hands. Help!!!!!!!

Believe me I ain’t as punctilious as I used to be, it’s just that I can’t seem to find someone with that certain je ne sais quoi, that spark that I need right now. Hmmmm….maybe I’d date a dominatrix, at least that way there’ll never be a boring moment and our lives could mirror that scene in Mr. & Mrs. Smith where the lead xters keep trying to kill each other.

Other things I have learnt from my year-long sojourn around the world:

1. If u stink/fart and think nobody else notices it, u wrong. While in China I……nah, way too embarrassing.

2. Chicks around the world are ALL the same……just that the Asian ones have lovelier hair.

3. I have a demeanour that makes folk ask my opinion on their relationships. What gives? The most recent case occurred last week from a female friend: “Woke up in the middle of the night to find my boyfriend choking me, saying he wanted to kill me ‘cos I am to blame for all his recent problems. I swear if I’d not grabbed his hands in time and shouted at the top of my voice he’da succeeded. What do u think, should I stay with him?” Pretended to ponder the question while I poured some rose-scented talcum powder in the palm of my left hand. Was about to smack her when that punk Tunde showed up and asked that I hand over his laptop. Guess I’d better end this entry as he would: Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Oh yeah, that Why DOES u wanna be alone with me? chick was knighted with a nickname the day after the incident, and yes, it was that punk Tunde that came up with it. She had a droopy lower lip so he called her Elastic Limit. Guess Tunde musta loved physics at that point in his life. On second thoughts, knowing the way his mind works….who am I kidding, NO ONE knows the way his mind works.