Police yeeee. Police yeeee. Police, he’s committing suicide o.

Hola peeps. ¿Usted me ha faltado? Me disculpo por el silencio. Peeps, was looking forward to publishing an entry after a week spent doing absolutely nada in Lagos. Was gonna give u details about birthday party (it was off the ying yang), return of Julio (dude surprised me at the party), elation at seeing mom after she returned to the country, discussions with ex (ironed out some issues, now looking for other ex’s to have ‘the talk’ with), discussions with family (Loye’s back with his girlfriend and man, she’s crazy fine), and other noteworthy events, but can’t be bothered anymore. I am mad as heck and I ain’t gonna take it anymore.

This Tunde X phase was brought on by none other than the friggin’ Nigerian police. U know their motto, To serve and protect with integrity? Well, that s&%t should be changed to To steal and steal and steal and steal and steal some more with no class at all. Now I am not saying all police are punk ass punks, just most of them. Nah, scratch that. ALL police, apart from Nuhu Ribadu, are friggin’ punk ass punks. Honestly, I wake up dreaming of bashing some policeman’s head in. Wait, y’all expecting a joke after this? Nah, real serious about it.

Peep this: Colleague bought a new ride in Lagos and being the magnanimous kinda guy I am I cancelled my plane ticket and offered to drive down to Portharcourt with him. Woah, that musta taken a long time ‘cos we hear the road’s bad and all. How long is the journey from Lagos to PH anyways? I’m glad y’all asked ‘cos I don’t know the answer. U what? Okay, maybe I better expatiate: the trip took us about 14 hours….while driving like a bat outta hell. Why so long? Y’all don’t know by now? The friggin’cops, that’s why. Almost as if the government passed a law while I was on a Rip van Winkle inspired vacation stipulating all new cars are to be searched and impounded especially if the documents are genuine.

We departed from Lagos at 6am and almost as soon as we turned off to the Ore motorway we came across a checkpoint. Cops came up with some bogus excuse about obtaining ‘a right of importation certificate’ “because the car is imported”. U what? Which Nigerian car isn’t?! We were escorted to their station not far from the checkpoint and knew we were being fleeced when the other policemen at the checkpoint later showed up in various impounded cars. Yup, it was our first encounter with a peripatetic police checkpoint that day. On our way to the police station I suggested the policeman who had commandeered the front seat wear a seat belt. “No worry, where we dey go no too far”, was his response. Yup, trust the police to enforce the laws.

Anyways, as this was our first effort at police harassment that day we didn’t argue much and coughed up N1,000 ($8) even though they’d initially asked for N5,000. After we left that crew of bandits we came across another checkpoint less than a kilometre away and these folk came up with another bogus charge. This kept repeating itself every kilometre – I kid thee not – and colleague resorted to placing a crisp N100 note in the palm of any policeman that stopped us. Sometimes they demanded for more and when we refused they held us up for some minutes before we got angry and threatened to call some big kahuna on the cell phone. Dontcha just love technology?

Some hardened cops who were obviously used to this good driver – angry driver routine didn’t fall for that so we either pleaded our way out or shelled out more dough. By the time we arrived at PH we had forked out over N7,000 to the Policeman’s Pension Fund. Most annoying of all were those coppers who would take our money and waste more of our time by offering crap travel advice. The bloody punks. All the while I didn’t lose my temper and laffed stuff off at the 50+ checkpoints we were delayed at ‘til we got to Warri. Now this incident requires its own paragraph.

While almost at Warri some pickup truck with armed folk forced us and some other new ride to pullover. They dismount from the truck and one comes over to our car.

Punk 1 (*addressing my colleague doing the driving*): Why una no park when I tell una?
Tunde (*obviously relieved that these weren’t robbers and at the same time pissed that cops would resort to such measures just to search a car*): HOW WERE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW U WERE REFERRING TO US? COME ON, TELL ME.
Punk 1 (*pointing gun at me*): Ehen, u get out of the car.
Tunde: My mate has shown u all the documents u required. No be so u suppose stop person in the first place.
Punk 1: Oya, enter that pick up truck with my oga. I go enter this una car, una dey go station.

I get into the back seat of the pickup truck and notice some dude next to me has a Bible and a handkerchief. Another innocent victim, I presume. Strangest thang about this trip to the police station is I am eerily calm. Was probably jaded from all the crap police had thrown our way earlier in the day. I start thinking to myself, The damn punks. I know they cannot do anything ‘cos all our documents are complete. Even if they threaten to throw us in jail I ain’t bothered. At least this way I can claim to be ‘hard’ so when I release my hiphop CD no one would doubt my street cred. Yeah, baby. Man, this dude beside me looks nervous, maybe I’d strike up a conversation with him.

Tunde: Dude, what u in for?
Dude: Er, er…
Oga Punk (Punk 1’s boss): U! U wey dey hold Bible! U be pastor, abi? I no go take am easy with u o.
Tunde: Wetin u do now?
Dude: Na so I enter okada to place wey I go take bus to Warri. As bus departed na so okada guy cross us talk say make bus stop. He then accused me of stealing his private parts. Can u believe it?
Tunde (*thinking to himself*): “ROTFLMBLACO. Man, that s&%t still happens? Good thang I got into this truck. Gotta find out more info.”

Before I’d enquire further we arrived at the police station and the pastor/private part nicker dude was hurled outta the truck and I returned to my mate…..after grabbing my crotch just to make sure the crown jewels were still in place. To cut a long story short(ish) after we showed them original documents to prove that vehicle was not stolen, Oga Punk perused them shrugged his shoulders and went to a nearby beer parlour to relax his heels after a hard day’s harassment. Mate called a friend of his who lives in Warri and the guy showed up in quick time with a police officer by his side – later discovered this police officer’s assigned to the guy’s hotel. Police officer then strikes up a conversation with Oga Punk and informed us that the thief wants N30,000 ($240) to let us go. It was then I lost my rag. Told mate not to plead with the punk as we had done nada wrong. “Is it now a crime to own a new car in Nigeria? Come on, this ain’t right!” Mate decided it best to come to an arrangement with the punk especially as surrogate younger sis (remember her?) was in the car and needed to be in PH that day. Ended up shelling out N2,000 just to get outta there. To make matters worse Oga Punk prayed for the continued success of mate’s mate’s hotel. Imagine the hubris. It’s Oga Punk’s head I always end up bashing in my dreams. Can’t forget the face of this dude and the LASTMA guy that first stopped me in Lagos. “They gonna pay someday, they gonna pay!!!!”, says Tunde, as he strokes his white cat and laughs his evil genius laugh: Ha huh ha huh ha huh ha.

I would love to tell y’all the encounter with Oga Punk was the last episode of police harassment for the day, but I don’t lie……when blogging. Sad, sad day throughout. By the time we got to PH my mate had lost 5kg from all the stress and I had gone 2 shades darker and shed some hair off my left ass cheek. A while back a female friend commented about how lovely it’d be to drive around Nigeria and capture the scenery – no, she wasn’t Caucasian – but with this police malarkey ain’t no way that’s gonna happen. No wonder the crap airline industry in Nigeria’s making crazy loot.

My mood in PH was greatly improved when a mate related a similar encounter he had had earlier in the week: Na only 14 hours e take u from Lagos to PH? O boy, it took me 2 days to drive my new jeep down from Lagos. Do u know one of the cops I met on the way actually accused me of stealing the car? Lol….it’s just like watching The Jerry Springer Show, suddenly ur life feels way better when compared to what others are going through.

Lagos news: While in Lagos I worked with a friend in crafting her grad school applications. As usual the schools asked for essays that highlighted challenges she had been through and how she overcame them. Oh man, challenges again! Is that only what these folk ask for? I haven’t really experienced any challenges in my life, what am I gonna write about? Awwww, don’t y’all feel her pain? Of course, I teased her to no end about this before we got down to constructing an essay that mirrored the life of Rosa Parks. Hey, it was a great CHALLENGE coming up with that idea in the first place. Man, I kill myself.

So glad I won’t be doing the grad school applications again. Don’t get me wrong I enjoyed grad school, it’s just the application process I’da done without. Come to think of it, wanna know who would make perfect grad school applicants? Nigerian parents. Everyday before school I’d hawk peppers and then walk 10 km to school…barefoot!......in the sun, rain, snow (yes, then it snowed in Nigeria back then, damn it!!) and I still finished top of my class. Uh huh; pull the other one, it’s got bells on it.

Local politics: Nigerians are great followers, we just wait for someone to do stuff and then we follow en masse. Ever been stuck in traffic on Lagos roads? As soon as one knucklehead decides to ease his plight by facing oncoming traffic others follow like punk ass sheep.
If Shakespeare were alive in Nigeria today and decided to write a play about some broody prince his most famous line would be To Impeach or Not To Impeach: that is the question. Golly. U should see the rush with which members of the state house of reps are impeaching governors. Some deserve it, others don’t, but folk don’t seem to care. Didn’t I tell y’all the Ladoja - Oyo State thang was gonna come home to roost? Was I right or was I right?

Voter registration exercise is currently taking place around the country and the word is it took over 40 minutes for the Vice President to get registered. Apparently the problem’s due to the malfunctioning electronic equipment. Like I didn’t know that ish would happen! Nigerians should learn to take things easy and plan properly. If u wanna fly with the birds u must first be willing to eat puke regurgitated by ur mom. Okay I dunno where the last sentence came from. I swear I don’t even remember typing it. Man, I really should quit smoking weed, huh?

Global politics: Midterm elections in the US and Republicans are praying everyone’s forgotten about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the ballooning deficit, Hurricane Katrina aftermath, Rep. Mark A. Foley, the decision to circumvent the Geneva Convention, and the 1,120 km Mexican border wall (hey, wouldn’t it be funny if they hired Mexicans to build the wall?). Good luck.

Russia’s Putin’s like US’s Bush and Nigeria’s OBJ. Get on their wrong side and u going down. U gotta love democracy. Hebrews 10:30! Chill out, y’all are leaders, act like it.

Tony Blair’s almost gone. Awwwww. Like Paul McCartney once said, when asked if the Beatles were gonna reunite, “u can’t reheat a soufflé.” Hope u had fun, Mr. Blair.

Yeah, speaking of Mr. McCartney…..

Celebrity news: Man, divorce sure is a bad thang, huh? Now we hearing news of physical and drug abuse. Heather Mills and her gap teeth……always knew there was something shifty (geddit? geddit? Aw, forget yous) about that woman. Yesterday, all my trouble seemed so far away / Now I need a place to hide my wealth / O I believe in yesterday / Suddenly, I might be worth less than half of what I used to be / Fell for gap-toothed, one legged blonde and now look at me / O yesterday came suddenly…… Thank u, thank u. I’ll be here all day.

Moving on to another gap-toothed blonde, Madonna seems to be in deep doodle for her decision to adopt a kid in Malawi. Dunno what her intentions are, but if this kid keeps her off my TV screen then allow her adopt the kid already! Seriously, I think it’s good on her to decide to adopt a black baby. Would it have been better to let the kid die (as we’ve been informed that nobody cared for the kid and that’s why Madge expressed an interest)? While all this is happening the boy is probably thinking, “Man, Madonna wants me. I am too sexy for Malawi, too sexy for my nanny, too sexy yeah…. Hey, do u think any black celebs, not called Michael Jackson, would be willing to adopt a white kid? Doubt it……..not when they got extended family to cater for.

Once heard this joke: Back in the 80s some French ad executives were pondering what to do when one of them says, “Americans are so dumb I bet u we could sell them water.” Fast forward to the 90s and some American dude is walking past a store when he exclaims, “Woah, look at this! How dumb do these French folk think we are? Buying water in a bottle?! Ha. Hmmm, maybe I better try one. Woah, this sure tastes more ‘watery’ than normal water I drink! I’ll tell all my friends to buy it.”
French guy: See what I told u? They are so dumb. Let’s make more fun of them by calling it EVIAN (which is actually NAÏVE spelled backwards), but they will think it’s sexy French speak for something or the other.

This joke came to mind after seeing Robbie Williams’ new video RUDEBOX. Seems Europeans, especially the English, have kissed his ass for so long dude thinks he can get away with singing rapping about shite. Jackson looks a mess / TK Maxx sells for less ?! What was Robbie smoking when he thought about this? Wait, this just in: RUDEBOX is the top selling album in the UK this week. Ah man, with crap choices like this no wonder the English will never will the World Cup again.

Back in Lagos everyone’s buzzing about the Independence Day concert held on the 7th and 8th of October. Most peeps were chuffed that Beyonce took time outta her busy schedule (of, er, er, dancing like a possessed woman?) to sing the Nigerian national anthem. “It made me proud to be a Nigerian”, Loye told me……just before I smacked him over the head with a tyre iron. (Okay, I was hoping this act would convince his fine girlfriend I was more macho than the dude and she’d leave him for me. Didn’t work, but had to try, right? Yes, yes, I am ashamed of my actions.)

Honestly folk, I am sure it musta been surreal to y’all who attended the event that a global icon like Miss Knowles would mouth out Arise O compatriots…, but I ain’t impressed. With the bucks she reportedly got paid she’da sung the anthem in all the major Nigerian languages; now that woulda floored me. Peeps, we gotta stop oohing and aahing anytime Nigeria gets mentioned outside these shores. “Oh look, look. On CNN they talking about how corrupt we are. Man, Nigeria na big country now o, even CNN dey talk about us.”

I don’t blame Beyonce though, us Nigerians are sentimental suckers at heart. Some of Beyonce’s predecessors that got Nigerians fawning include:

1. OZ - TV show on HBO where the Nigerian inmate Adebisi, played by Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, rapes and kills other inmates;

2. The Bourne Identity - Movie starring Matt Dillon as an assassin ordered to kill an African dictator, played by Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, who speaks Yoruba;

3. Sugar Hill - Wesley Snipes and Michael Wright are brothers in the drug trade who get angry when a couple of Nigerian drug dealers, led by Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (again!), would rather not do business with an akata (u know, I still don’t know what the word means), a pejorative that Nigerians use to describe African Americans;

4. The Real McCoy - Crap movie starring Kim Basinger and Val Kilmer as a bungling thief. When Kim highlights the stupidity of his decision to steal Betamax VCRs as no one uses them, Val replies, “well, they still use them in Nigeria”;

I could go on and on (The Exorcist II, Tears of the Sun) but I think y’all catch my drift. Okay peeps gotta go now…………lol….just kidding. Y’all knew I’d not wrap up this entry without telling y’all about the party, right? Y’all know me so well.

30th birthday party: The party was off the ying yang. Loads more peeps than expected showed up – it’s Nigeria, it’s in our nature – and it turned out brilliantly in the end. Didn’t touch a drop of alcohol, but the whole night seemed like a blur; probably ‘cos I was running helter skelter trying to play the perfect host.

If u showed up for the party, thanks for the love; my heart thanks u. If u couldn’t make it, thanks for the love; my wallet cherishes u. Ha. Yeah, it’s tight wad jokes like that that ended things between Isha Sesay and I. Oh, I didn’t tell y’all? My bad. U see I did a lotta thinking the first two days after my 30th birthday and decided to go the whole hog and ask Isha for her hand in marriage. And y’all thot I was a commitment phobe, huh? Tsh. Tsh. After dinner on Monday, October 16th I presented her with a small box and ………the following ensued.

Isha (*thinking to herself*): “Could this be it? This punk’s finally gotten my not-so-subtle hints and is gonna ask me to marry him. It’s not as romantic as I always envisioned, but hey, stuff happens. I wonder why he isn’t going down on one knee like they do in the movies?”
Tunde (*thinking to himself*): “I hope she loves the ‘ring’. I bet she’s wondering why I am not down on bended knee. Lol…typical woman. In all honesty I’d planned to do just that, but I’m wearing my favourite pair of black pants and ain’t no way I’m staining them.”
Isha (*thinking to herself*): “Why doesn’t he just open the damn box? I hate the suspense!”
Tunde: So, er, Isha my love, would u take this ring and er, u know…?
Isha: U are so silly. Open the damn box. U know I’ll say Y-E-……wait, what the heck is that?!
Tunde (*rolling on the floor laffing his blistered left ass cheek off*) Ha. It’s a hula hoop crisp; u know one of those tasty hollow snacks we love so much. This is actually barbeque flavour, which is ur favourite. Romantic, huh? U know with hosting the party and all I am short for cash, so decided this would be a humorous way to ask for ur hand in marriage. I’ll get u a proper ring next month. Lol…am I funny or am I funny? U know what would be even funnier? U can wear this ‘ring’ and whenever u feel peckish u’d eat it and replace it with another from the pack. Hilarious, right? Hey babes, why u frowning?
Isha: OF ALL THE STUPID THINGS U’VE EVER DONE THIS TAKES THE BISCUIT. A JOKE?! A FRIGGIN’ JOKE?! DO U KNOW HOW LONG I HAVE WAITED FOR U TO POP THE QUESTION, AND NOW U DO IT LIKE THIS? F%$K U, NIGGA. HOPE UR JOKES KEEP U WARM AT NIGHT. I’M OFF TO SEE LARRY KING, AT LEAST HE KNOWS HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN NICE.
Tunde (*grovelling like a biaatch*): Isha babes, I am so sorry. I thot u’d find it funny. Please don’t leave me, at least not for Mr. King. Dude’s been married more times like Liz Taylor, Joan Collins and Jennifer Lopez put together. Please don’t leave……please!

And that was the last time I saw Isha. She won’t return my calls or nada. We’ve had our li’l arguments in the past where we separated for a while and gotten back together, but somehow I feel this is truly the end. Oh the pain, the pain. While trying to make sense of it all I recalled some personality class I’d taken during my recent training programme in Warri where the tutor explained the thing humans fear the most is – no, it’s not mothers-in-law – criticism, and it’s best to learn to seek out feedback from people if one hopes to go far in life. With this in mind I called up an ex and asked her to be brutally honest in telling me if I was too blasé and gave up on our relationship without much of a fight. Her answer wasn’t much of a shock after the Isha fiasco. She affirmed that I may have been a tad nonchalant about what she felt was important to her in the relationship. Man, I knew this carefree attitude would one day end up smacking me in the face. I apologised profusely to her and plan not to make the same mistake with Isha’s replacement……if anyone could ever truly replace Isha. Boo hoo. Man, it hurts so much.

The next day I caught The BreakUp – actually quite better than I thought; the movie proved once again that Justin Bateman’s comedic timing is outta this world - with a friend and realized some shitty aspects of Vince Vaughn’s character reminded me of, yup u guessed right, myself. Oh man, say it ain’t so. The next day I explained my predicament to another mate and she said my problem’s I don’t like to inconvenience myself – yup, just like Vince Vaughn’s character. She broke it down further: Tunde, u half-remind me of this guy I once dated. First time we met up on the Island he suggested I take a cab home ‘cos, in his words, “I don’t do bridges.” What he meant was since he stayed on the Island he hardly leaves there and would rather I took a cab home to the Mainland. Of course, I told him “I don’t do cabs” and dude was forced to drop me off at home. U can’t have ur way all the time, u need to sacrifice a bit more.

Her words couldn’t have hit any deeper. I am the kind of bloke who would rather pay for a cab than drive a chick home, especially if she lives outside of my ‘comfort zone’ – maybe I’ll expatiate on that some other time. Continuing in this quest for self-immolation I jokingly asked my future brother-in-law (yup, younger sis Seyi’s getting hitched to Elvis in December) how “my little wife” - some chick he tried to hook me with - was. The shellacking I received shoulda been recorded for posterity: “This guy, I been think say u be nice guy, but honestly, u worse pass Kinzo when it comes to women. Do u know the chick came to me almost crying? She told me y’all had agreed to hang out but instead u left her and hung out with other chicks instead? Haba, why now?” Woah, couldn’t believe dude was talking about me. Is this what I’ve become, “worse than Kinzo”? Ouch. I love my brother and all, but dude seems to be on a mission to ‘take’ (his words not mine) as many chicks as possible before he gets married; what makes it worse is that each chick is hoping she’d be the lucky one. (Kinda like that scene in the Ten Commandments where Jethro’s daughters dance for Moses, hoping he’d pick one of them as bride.) And someone actually thinks I’m worse than him?! Man, this is shocking. Hey, where were y’all when the transmogrification from Dr. Tunde to Mr. Hyde-ous was taking place? Y’all coulda warned me! Boo hoo, y’all could alerted me. Oh the pain, the pain.

After some more soul searching I apologized to a few more folk I felt I had scorned and decided it was time for a new, improved, more sensitive Tunde. I traced my heartless actions to the fact that I am always trying to do the right thing, but end up hurting folk in the process. Take the example of “my little wife”; I vividly remember dedicating that day to her, but then I called some other friends who wanted to meet up before I returned to PH so I put her on the backburner. Awful, huh? Well, it ain’t gonna happen no more. From hereon in I tell it like it is, and no more BS. Peep this:

Scenario 1: U know those folk u call and the first thang they say is something along the lines of, “U actually called my number today?! I don’t believe it, I’d go get a lottery ticket.”?
Old Tunde: “Ha. U know I have been real busy.”
New, improved Tunde: “What’s up with this whole attack is the best form of defence crap? Come on, let’s not kid ourselves. U have my number, u’d have called as well. How about we keep it real with each other; cool? Good. So how u been? Er, sorry I didn’t know that unfortunate incident happened to u…er, er,….”

Scenario 2: Policeman harasses u.
Old Tunde: “Oga no be so. Abeg take this small money for weekend.”
New, improved Tunde: “Oi, punk. I know the government pays y’all pittance, but that ain’t the right way to act. I have given u all the documents u asked for and yet u still bugging me. Want me to introduce u to this friend of mine who has magical way of making private parts go poof? ”

Lol…..seriously folk, if u notice my behaviour’s getting outta hand please, please tell me. I mean if u guys don’t curb it now what’s gonna happen when I become president of Nigeria? Decided to give Julio the keys to 3Ts of Tunde for next blog entry. Tot ziens and God bless.