Apapa Big Boy publishes a blog

Hola. El tiempo largo ningún considera. How u guys been? Moi? No, I haven’t been suffering from mogigraphia –yup, go figure out the meaning – just been buzzing around ‘cos NYSC ends in less than a fortnight. Also, got a positive feedback during the club’s end of year appraisal. And I quote: ‘Tunde has more talent than any male stripper I’ve ever seen. It’s amazing to discover he’s only been at this profession for less than 2 years! If we ever have a patron saint for strippers I’d suggest it be him.’ I have framed the review and shall get a wallet-sized version made……hmmm, might even get it scanned onto the flipside of my business card.

Obasanjo’s set up a committee to secure release of kidnapped foreign oil workers and catch those responsible for vandalizing oil pipelines. Remember what I stated in a previous blog entry about rise in oil prices (price of oil reached a 4 month high after the recent trouble in the Niger Delta)? Yes, u can call me a genius now. Hey, ever wonder why us Nigerians set up committees for everything? Shouldn’t a scenario like community disturbances in the Niger Delta already be envisaged? I think I’d set up my own committee to look into this committee-formation syndrome.

Read an interesting article in the January 5th edition of The New York Times - yes, I do read on the job….hey, it’s called multitasking, punks - that made a formidable case against restricting Presidents to just 2 terms. It stated that even though US President George Washington served only 2 terms, he did so ‘cos he was tired and had given his all to government. His close confidant was reported to have argued that, ’term limits for the chief executive would diminish inducements to good behavior, discourage presidents from undertaking bold new projects, deny the nation the advantage of his experience and threaten political stability.’ Washington himself added that, ‘term limits would exclude from the presidency a man whose leadership might be essential in a time of emergency.’ Good argument. Would that work in Nigeria, where power corrupts absolutely, though? The other day the National Association of Nigerian Students (NANS), while paying a visit to the Senate President, advocated three terms for the office of the President and state governors. The leader of the group said, “…there is no need changing a good team that is performing.” First thing I thought was, ‘sure, NANS…..and how much were u paid for that vote of confidence?’ Ha.

Seriously, I’ve been thinking a lot about this 3rd term controversy in Nigeria. No matter how one feels about him one has to acknowledge that Obasanjo’s done more than most of his predecessors, but the dude should have enough confidence that programmes he’s put in place will continue after he’s left office. Cool, it’s not best to change a team that’s performing, but who decides at what point the team has faltered and become spavined? Say they getting good marks on the economic front and other matters concerned with improving Nigeria’s reputation, and crap marks on crime, human rights and legislative matters, do we still regard that as ‘performing’? If we do amend the constitution to allow for a max of 3 terms for federal and state leaders I’d advocate it exclude the incumbents. I mean these dudes knew they had a max of 8 years to improve areas under their jurisdiction from the start! Let them cope with that. Okay enuff of my preaching; guess I’m just tired of the preponderance of crooks in the upper echelons of government. Okay lemme just rant a li’l longer……

Man, I love this country! We just wait for someone to begin something and then we rush to follow. The Chinese proverb/curse, May u live in interesting times, sure does come to mind. After Alams’ impeachment another state governor’s been impeached, under similar controversial circumstances – here, the quorum required for impeachment wasn’t arrived at. Like in Alams’ case, once the governor seemed to be in trouble his deputy disappeared and duly appeared in time to be sworn in as the new governor. Man, this dude was so eager to take over one has to wonder what his motives are. I mean if he was so disgusted with his erstwhile boss’s style of goverment why didn’t he quit? After his swearing-in the dude issued warnings for subordinates to be ‘100% loyal’. If he'd been wholly loyal he wouldn’t be governor right now, so what’s he on about? As expected, the former governor still insists he’s the people’s choice so the case has gone to court. Should be interesting following the goings-on. Hey, why didn’t NANS complain about this scandal when they visited the Senate President? Damn punks.

While we on the subject of copying folk, recently noticed the dividing slab on the bridge I take to work is now a place for string scrap metal. Peep this: some car got burned a few months back on the bridge and the rusted frame occupied a lane on the bridge so some ‘good Samaritan’ -in quotes ‘cos not sure of his motives. I mean if one plans to do good one might as well go the whole hog! - chose to put the burnt out frame on the slab. It’s been over 4 months and that eyesore’s still on the slab. Wanna tell me the authorities don’t see it? Problem is now some genius has taken it upon himself to dump more rusted metal on the slab. When’s this ever gonna stop? LASTMA and FERMA sure know how to extort money off the driving public but when it’s time to take rubbish off the road they are nowhere to be found. Punk ass punks.

Other Naija news: Member of Senate says he’s concerned at the “’suspicious’ state of murders” in the country, after a former governor’s wife was killed at her home. Hmmm, ‘suspicious’. Is it just me or shouldn’t he be concerned about all murders?

Homosexuality’s now illegal in Naija. If same-sex couples get married they get to celebrate their union in jail.....for 5 years. Guess Elton won’t be having his honeymoon here then.

The Presidential Task Force inspecting state of airports has reported a large number of institutional faults. Sad. It’s been estimated we gonna need millions of dollars to get our airports in proper shape. Here’s a radical idea, how about the government raise money for airport maintenance by renting spaces out to churches at the airports? I mean churches spring up every day and there isn’t enuff land for houses, let alone churches. Can u imagine how passengers will feel if a message is broadcast over the airport speakers? Those about to embark on this journey, have u settled ur account with God yet? U haven’t? Okay, well, erm, have a safe flight then……sure u don’t wanna b4 it’s too late? Cool then. Wait, since u flying and all sure u don’t wanna give some money to a church/charity? This way should the unexpected happen u’d argue that u did good while on earth…

Consolidation of Nigerian banks has taken place and this can only be good for the economy. This exercise has also helped the populace to discover which bank executives had been siphoning funds. Hopefully, these dudes shall be duly prosecuted.

Driving to work the other day and it occurred to me that a local radio station has been playing the same interview with a prominent Nigerian about once a week since this bank consolidation thing came about. What they do is talk about various topics vaguely related to banking and replay the dude’s reply. Almost like getting a quote from a prestigious person and tailoring it to answer questions u set urself. Talk about lazy journalism! For example, say u get a quote from Mandela saying, “Yes, I believe in the human race…”, in condemning violence by US forces on the Pakistan-Afghanistan border. Then, few weeks later u trumpet another exclusive interview with Mandela and ask, ‘so with the spate of bird flu in the world today, should we kill birds, as well as humans who have contracted the disease, in order to prevent the disease spreading?’ “Yes, I believe in….”

Foreign news (since last blog entry): Evo Morales has been inaugurated as Bolivia’s first indigenous President. One of his first acts was to reduce the salaries of parliamentarians by 50%. If this dude was Nigerian he’da been impeached there and then. I wish him the best.

Bin Laden’s released a new mix-tape again. His producer’s literally the most sought after cat in the industry.Ha huh ha huh ha huh.

The Jack Abramoff scandal’s rocking US politics, especially the Republicans. Bet loadsa peeps are regretting getting ‘helpings’ from this dude. U gotta love corruption, it pervades every color, creed, nation. Here’s hoping Tom DeLay’s shaking in his boots.

Charles Kennedy, former leader of the Liberal Democrats in the UK, has resigned (hence, the term ‘former’. Duh.) after admitting a drinking problem. It took a lotta bottle (geddit?) for him to admit that.

Entertainment news: Seen Beyonce’s Check Up On It video? First, HYPE makes Jay-Z look ridiculous in the Sunshine video (with Babyface), then makes Beyonce look erm, good………but, well, what was up with that shrimp-like behavior?! Almost as if she had an upset stomach….but uh, what a lovely stomach it is. Ha. Anyways, seems Hype’s so good at erm, hyping he’d be a pimp. Next thing u know he’ll convince Eminem to wear a KKK outfit and use the ‘N’ word in a video. Ja Rule, if u’re reading this, this might be the only way u have of eliminating him. U can pay me later…no, don’t want any autographed CDs as already have enuff drink coasters. What did u say Ja, need help with 50 Cent? Well, u’d always publicize the underground mixtape where he confesses to be gay…….just kidding.

Speaking of Eminem (aka White Chocolate) the dude’s gotten married again. Maybe they’da played KIM as he and his ex/current wife walked down the aisle. Psssstttt! They didn’t sign a pre-nup either. Oh no. Moral of the story? Be careful what u say about an ex or someone u seeing, dating, or, er, smoking weed with. A few years ago saw a mate with this chick and asked him what the score was. He berated her for a few minutes and insisted she was just a chick he was sleeping with ‘cos he was bored. Fast forward 9 years and they now married with a kid. During their wedding I was tempted to give a speech about our conversation, but lacked what the Dutch call courage. Guess now y’all know one of the positives from being teetotal. Maybe that’d be a new anti-alcohol ad campaign: Stop drinking. U might just save some poor dude’s investment in his daughter’s wedding.

New portion of blog: Hey, did I tell y’all about this dude who wrote a blog about crap customer service by Dell Computers and influenced loadsa peeps to boycott Dell? I am hoping same stuff can happen in Nigeria. From here on end I’m gonna try (if I remember….hey, the weed haze affects me) publish details of firms that need to be boycotted. First recipient of the Boycott Their Ass Award is (*drum roll please*) Union Bank, Folawiyo Branch, Apapa. Man, talk about no service. Stopped by there about 6 months ago to reactivate a dormant account and followed all instructions requested of me. Still chasing up on that. Last time I stopped by there, there was a minor fracas as peeps complained about not being attended too after spending over 4 hours on the premises. Guess when u save money at that branch they really SAVE it for u. Ha. Seriously, such service is unforgivable in this day and age. Peeps, it is ur duty to boycott these punks. If not for the service y’all should boycott the punks for making me queue beside some dude with a severe case of halitosis. Man, it was ooh ooh so bad. It was so bad it’d be bottled and sold during Halloween. Hey, do people with bad breath know they have bad breath? I mean sometimes when I wake up in the morning after an onion-laced meal the night before, I almost wanna run away from my mouth. But……okay I digressed again. Just boycott the punks. Aiight?

Sports news: The African Nations Cup has kicked off and here’s hoping Naija does well. As expected, the team had to fight the Nigerian Football Association (NFA) in order to secure funds for training camp; at one point they were almost kicked outta their hotel for non-payment of bills. And this was the same country that vowed to do all to win the Nations Cup after missing out on a World Cup berth. Some folk need to be flogged…naked….in public…..while having insects chew on their privates.

The Indianapolis Colts lost a chance to advance in the NFL Playoffs. Figured it out now, maybe Arsenal and the Colts can never win the big one in the same year. Well, considering Colts haven’t won since I started following American Football it might be a good take on things.

The Williamses are both out of the Australian Open. Guess they now have time to get back to trying on more make up. Venus, if u reading this, please put the makeup kit down. U look better when ur face is au naturel. To be honest, u look even better with sweat on ur face!

Watched ESPN lately? Gambling’s a friggin’ sport people! All I see is Poker this Poker that. Yup, a disease, an addiction’s now something to be celebrated. What ever next, drunks becoming celebrities for competing to see who can imbibe the most alcohol and successfully drive a car around a track at 200 mph?

Other news that annoys me: A widely read local magazine has published its annual edition of peeps to watch out for in the coming year. One of the articles was titled Up and Coming Single Island Big Girls in 2006. I know it has nada to do with one’s weight, so what other criteria is used to define a Big Girl? The mag always embellishes stuff like informing us some Big Girl enjoys the single life when all know she’s so desperate to get married she trades cash/favors to be on every chick’s bridal train, whether she knows them or not. Since NYSC’s rounding up and I’ll have more dispensable income I might just get the mag to do a feature on me. This Apapa Big Boy was sighted driving his unwashed car around Lagos. Our correspondent later discovered he occasionally instructs his butler not to wash his ride ‘cos he wants to see how lesser mortals live. Oh, isn’t he so magnanimous? If there was a patron saint for Lagos Big Boys we would suggest it be him. Ha huh ha huh ha.

Yeah, was talking to a mate over the weekend and turns out someone mistakenly placed his number on a personal ad for a lady looking for a husband. Now he’s getting calls from loadsa guys and even though he tells them they have the wrong number they still call like crazy. Dude’s so bored now he actually gets females to talk to them, records the conversations and plays it back to himself when he feels like having a laff. Listened to some of the conversations and they were friggin’ hilarious. Who’da thunk Nigerians were so lovesick? Hmmm…maybe I’d setup a dating agency. Actually, b4 I left the UK was thinking of setting up a speed-dating service over here. Problem is we are way too self-conscious for that.

Gotta go peeps…..off to sit on the White Throne (aka the loo, john, restroom, WC). Speaking of white thrones I went to a restaurant last week and asked to use the loo; it was a small restaurant so the toilet is utilized by both sexes. Anyways, got to the loo and as soon as I stepped in the awful smell from someone’s waste hit me like a truckload of bricks. Held my breath, rapidly emptied my bladder contents and ran outta there so fast u’d think I was a deputy governor whose boss was about to get impeached. Some chick passed me on her way to the loo and glanced back to see her run out just as fast. Anyways, I noticed throughout my meal that she’s looking at me across the restaurant and with the waiter. After she left I asked the waiter what the joke was and y’all won’t believe this. The lady actually thot I was the one who funked up the loo! There goes my Big Boy reputation. Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Oi, just got off the throne and I am considering impeaching the club proprietors fornot providing sufficient bog roll.

PPS
Update on dumping of scrap metal on the bridge: As it turned out the good folk at LASTMA decided to put up a massive road signs close to the dump site. Do u know that these punks put up the signs and didn’t do nada about the scrap? Man, these dudes need to be called out for sheer laziness.