Thursday, October 11, 2007

Notes from a 40% graded ex-boyfriend

Hola peeps. Libere en el ultimo. How y’all been? Chomping at the bit ‘cos rounded up exams – need them to work exclusively in the club V.I.P room – on Wednesday and discovered younger sis Kemi gave birth to twin boys on Tuesday and even younger sis Seyi had a baby boy a week earlier. So many blessings to thank God for. Woulda been ace if their babies had stayed in ‘til October 15th, but it’s all good. Now that puts the number of grandchildren Chief has at 11. Woah, can u imagine what family get-togethers would be like in 10 years time when all siblings are married? If a kid has a party his cousins alone would fill the place up. Lol…and y’all wonder if I’d run outta stuff to blog about; not when I got a family this size I won’t.

So what did y’all think of t-shirt inscriptions? Still looking for a locally-based graphic designer as mine’s in Kenya and getting her to send over design ideas takes a heckuva long time. Globalization my blistered left arse cheek. I would be interested if y’all could recommend someone ‘cos with the rapidly changing state of Nigerian politics by the time I receive feedback on my ideas from Kenya the subject of the ridicule mighta petitioned a local court to prevent anyone with breath in their lungs from satirizing them. Yup, it’s that bad one’s not sure whether to laugh or cry anymore. Everyday we read about courts granting former state governors, who enjoyed immunity from prosecution while in office, legal orders to prevent the EFCC (Nigeria’s anti-corruption watchdog) from arresting them. Earlier this week the erstwhile governor of Delta State got an injunction halting the EFCC (the police and the Attorney General) from not only arresting him, but took this farce up another notch by including his deputy and current Delta state employees as well. I’m surprised he didn’t include the entire universe in his far-reaching, all-encompassing legal motion.

These guys are worse than scum, they are lower than fecal matter. What hubris! So u mean I can set up a kangaroo court as well and get ex parte motions to prevent the police from detaining me no matter how heinous my crime? Is there no check against this? C’mon, someone please explain this to me like I’m a 2-year old, I’m sure I’ve got some lawyers who read my blogs. No lawyers? Okay I’ll settle for anyone who’s read copious volumes of John Grisham legal thrillers or seen L.A. Law or Boston Legal. I know I must sound like a kid who just discovered Santa Claus isn’t real, but I badly need to believe in our justice system. What makes it even sadder is that while all this is going on Ehud Olmert is being questioned by the Israeli authorities over some property he bought at a less than fair discount and a few months back Moshe Katsav, the President of Israel, had to quit his post after being found guilty of sexual misconduct. But here in the largest black nation on God’s green earth we hand out chieftaincy titles to our venal leaders and name landmarks after them. Then when a legal maneuver keeps them outta jail churches have thanksgiving services on their behalf and imams pray to Allah to lengthen their lives. We cannot go on like this people a change has to come soon. I was reading Thomas Friedman’s New York Times column yesterday and dude called us the Q Generation; Q as in Quiet. Yes, we still have the can-do attitude of our parents but activism ain’t what it used to be. We are happier, more comfortable even, signing online appeals and creating Facebook groups to save the climate, or save Darfur, or whatever cause du jour. So if u sent me one of those emails or Facebook notifications about some appeal or the other now u know why I haven’t responded. Like Patrick McGoohan’s The Prisoner I don’t wanna be just a number, isn’t that why God in His wisdom made us all unique? I gotta make an impact b4 I leave this place. I want my children – u can tell the birth of my nephews has got me thinking of marriage again, huh? - to know their dad not only had the killer six-pack he also did his utmost to make the world better than he found it. And for that I don’t need to become President of Nigeria in order to ‘serve’ my people. That’s why I get pissed off when politicians campaigning for any sorta position give their reasons as purely altruistic. “I want to serve my people”, they say. Yet as soon as they get there they start lobbying to head “juicy” committees (in the case of our delegates in the House of Assembly) or turning the government treasury into their family piggy banks (in the case of our state governors or presidents).

And let’s not forget the noble citizenry. We have our own share of the blame. Must we do anything for money? Goodness me. Some of our parents have sold their principles for filthy lucre and continue to do so. While discussing with a colleague I regard as a mentor dude said half-jokingly, Poverty is so engraved in our minds if the devil came out and said he wanted to rule the country u’d probably find a fair amount of folk willing to vote for him. Their reasoning would be: “At least he has come out to tell us who he is. What of the smaller devils we’d voted in previously? As my people say, ‘If u go chop frog chop the one wey get egg.’ Where do I register as a member of Satan’s People Party (SPP) jo?”

Okay, just had a nice meal of grilled fish and fried plantain between the last paragraph and this so maybe I am not as angry….maybe. All I know is something’s gotta give. I gotta find a way to make sense of why us Nigerians keep brushing everything off, even when our rights are being trampled upon. I gotta make a change, I gotta find an answer….until then I am watching V for Vendetta every week for inspiration.

Aiight now that I have descended from the vast height of my soapbox lemme tell y’all what the past week has been like. After blog was published last week I read an article where I discovered that humorous-sounding names aren’t the birthright (geddit? geddit? Aw, forget yous) of the Ijaws. Turns out that Zimbabweans are equally as inventive. Some dude’s called Smile; another whose mother was tired of having kids after he was born – he was her 13th kid – was called Enough; and my fav is Never Trust A Woman, who was given that moniker by his ‘dad’…..well, dude returned from fighting a war to find his wife had given birth to a son he believed isn’t his. U gotta love us Africans.

Been staying at a hotel for over a week now. The club moved us in in order to study for the exam I intimated about earlier. The best thang about the hotel is the courteous staff, other than that it seems like a scene from Candid Camera or like someone’s deliberately having a laugh. These dudes don’t have ice cream! Not “sorry we’ve run outta ice cream”, just they don’t serve ice cream. U what? To make matters worse the hotel’s like Nigeria’s version of the Bates Motel, only this time our dear Norman wears a chef’s hat. I gotta eat to survive, but I know what’s gonna happen at the end of that meal. Do u know what that feels like? First breakfast I had here gave me the runs and went to the loo 5 times that day. It’s one of those meals u look at and think, “This could gimme the runs”, it just wasn’t presented properly. I have had that feeling before, but never have I had the doodle pangs erupt as quick. Stomach rumbled soon as I took first bite of the meal. Since then I have skipped breakfast, yet have had the runs everyday since. It’s been a week now and there’s no letting off. It’s not one of those ‘normal’ runs either. It’s those bad runs where u feel so pressed u gotta take off ALL ur clothes for fear of stray splatter; no simple pull down pants and underwear (if wearing any) to the ankles, no siree.

Yesterday, they served cup cakes and for the first time in my life I ate cake with a bitter aftertaste, I reckon it was made from kola nut. Serious. Complained to colleague not knowing he had his own problems. Dude was having chicken for dinner and couldn’t for the life of him figure out why the skin was bright, shocking pink. Maybe it was one of those chickens I saw tied to top of a van in PH last week. Ha huh ha huh ha huh.

Apparently the hotel has a gym though haven’t checked it out yet. I have been to the pool area though, and the swimming pool is…what’s the best way I can describe this…let’s just say it’d be called a swimming puddle instead. It’s so teeny I swear if u swimming and pee in that pool the colour would change and all would know what u just did. Oh yeah, their laundry service is quite good. Never seen my shirts ironed and starched so much it’s like they got a discount from their starch supplier. Also gotta mention my bathroom. Talk about all that glitters being gold poo. Do u know I gotta shower in 5 minutes or less ‘cos that’s how long the hot water lasts for? My bathroom sink is plugged. Called the plumbers for days on end and no one showed up. When I eventually complained to management some dude arrived and drained the sink. Next day the stuff’s plugged again. Arrrggghhh.

I do like the view from my room though. I am on the 4th floor so when I get up in the wee hours of the morning to practise my new choreographed routines I get to see how peaceful PH is at night when the roads are free of traffic. Also get to channel my inner R. Kelly (from that scene in Half On A Baby video) from my view of the city. Lol…man, nobody can write a romantic song quite like our man Robert. So love, wanna go half on a baby? I’ll do my half by providing the seed, and u can do ur half by throwing up in the mornings and carrying the seed for 9ish months. U game?

Can’t tell y’all much else about goings-on in PH as been in the hotel, but did find out the 9pm curfew’s turning out to be a goldmine for our law enforcement officers. U see okadas are not permitted to operate after 6pm in PH but with this curfew u can get okadas as late as u want. My investigations revealed…okay it was a PH indigene that informed me…that policemen and soldiers in PH now bootleg as okada drivers during curfew hours. It’ll cost u about 5 times the normal fare but they’ll take u wherever u wanna go. Guy in the hotel said he stopped one about 11pm on Monday and the ff ensued.

Policeman cum okada rider: YES, WHAT ARE U DOING OUT AT THIS TIME OF THE NIGHT, DON’T U KNOW THERE’S A CURFEW IN TOWN?
Mate: I do, but I also know what u are doing out. How much to take me to Waterlines?
Policeman cum okada rider: Give me 400 Naira.
Mate: Haba oga. Na 70 Naira e dey cost normally.
Policeman cum okada rider: Okay, gimme 300.


Other thang I found out about PH curfew is it now gives folks an excuse to stay over. Happened to a mate when someone chose to visit him at 6pm. Then they pretended they were so engrossed in a movie…..“and oops, is it past 9pm already? Guess I’ll have to stay over. Good thang I always carry a spare toothbrush in my bag.” Good ol’ PH.

Anyways, can’t wait to leave for Lagos tomorrow morning. It’s just gonna be for the weekend again, but this time I get to see the new additions to my family. Oh yeah, b4 I go I got a confession to make: I am gay. Yup, hadn’t realized in all my almost thirty-one years on earth until a week ago. U see a mate bumped into an acquaintance I hadn’t seen in a while and said acquaintance told mate she’s given me all the ‘signals’ (whatever does that man?) yet I have done nada. As a case in point she brought up the time she asked for a dance at my party last year and I made up some excuse. Yup, that incident – haven’t seen her since then – musta prompted her to attest I bat for the other team. So there u have it folks. Psst, don’t tell anyone our li’l secret, okay? Goodness knows it’ll break my mom’s heart if she knew her only son isn’t interested in women. Lol.

Seriously, don’t get where some women get off. Thought it was just us guys that did the whole if person of the opposite sex doesn’t fancy me then they are obviously gay thang…..and all guys I know that thot that way grew outta that in their late teens! Every time I think I got the female species pegged, and cannot be surprised by whatever antics they come up with, some chick appears outta thin air with theories gleaned from reading too many COSMOs. Man, it’s almost as if try as much as we like us guys can’t just win. Oh well. I am off to listen to Barbra Streisand’s greatest hits. Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Seen what’s happened to Gordon Brown in the past week? Maybe that’ll teach politicians to follow their gut and stop relying on spin doctors all the time.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

good soap-box rant as usual. the rest of us africans are still waiting for nige to get it's act together.
like the t-shirts. know an OK graphics designer in london if u interested.

6:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ROTFLMAO@ bright pink chicken, lmaooooooooooo!!!

Y did u keep eating the food?

My tummy is sensitive like that too.

LOL@being gay, u frustrated the chic, that was a lame move on her part though, nah by force ni, hiss.

8:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

congratulations on the arrival of ur nephews, cute stuff...
was the hotel that bad? i guess not having ice cream is a no-no; i mean even though its getting cold here, the ice cream vans are still out on the streets, now that's dedication...
about the t-shirts, you should have nice bright colours for ladies, u know sky blue/pink/lime green etc, just so we can make a statement and look good at the same time...

11:16 AM  
Blogger Spicy said...

Dude I see you given serious thought to my advice..."the truth shall set you free" Glad to see you've finally made it out of the closet (we both know the babe only confirmed something you've been scared to admit)...by the way I couldn't find the purse you requested...Are you sure that's the only one that would match your outfit?

3:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

another masterpiece baby...keep em coming! :)

from "your" anonymous.

5:11 AM  

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