Why u playing hard to get? What sorta name is Anonymous? If u don’t like me just say so….oh u mean ur name is Anne O’Nemus. My bad.

Hola peeps. Soy demasiado atractivo para mi cuerpo. I am buzzing ‘cos just got outta a presentation where I was amazing if I say so meself. Before the presentation I went over my slides and most importantly, the aesthetics. Power suit? Check. Power shirt? Check. Power tie? Check. Power underwear? Check. Power six-pack? Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check.

I was asked to choose a topic that I feel would affect the business in the near term, so I spoke on The potential impact of strippers in developing the Nigerian economy. After I was done someone from management suggested as a newbie I wasn’t “qualified” to speak on the aforementioned topic. I blew my top and proceeded to take my, ahem, top off. “What do u mean I haven’t paid my dues,” I screamed. I showed him scars on my upper torso. “U see this scar? This was where I was pricked with a paper clip by a cheap octogenarian who wanted to pay with a post-dated cheque. This other one? U can’t see it? Look closer, squint for goodness sake! See it now? That was from a paper cut yesterday when I was working on this presentation.” After I made my point I pulled down my pants, pulled down my lucky g-string, yeah the green one with frills, and mooned the audience. It was a giant Sexual Chocolate performance to top them all.

I am usually a passive guy, but that action seemed to be what I needed. My week had been so hectic I just needed to vent. Phew, that was good. So good I went out and stuffed myself with ice cream, strawberry flavour. And typically with strawberry-flavoured ice cream I fart like crazy. Lol…man, I know I have the most sensitive stomach ever yet I still eat crap. Stomach’s so sensitive I have ‘the runs’ at least twice a month, each lasting for two days minimum. To make things even worse I am travelling to Warri tomorrow and there’s nada like a plane, car, train, okada or any mode of transportation to exacerbate my doodle pangs.

On Monday while on a plane from Lagos I got serious doodle pangs and there’s nada like almost dropping one in ur pants to reinforce ur faith in God. Dear Father, please remember all the good I’ve done. Don’t lemme take a dump in my pants. Please let the person in the rest room come out asap. For some reason everyone wanted to use the restroom on the plane that day. Suddenly, those puke bags on planes started to look like a good bodily waste disposal vessel. Then I thought of a perfect movie pitch: Runs On A Plane. An angry air stewardess pours laxative in everyone’s coffee and the plane has just one restroom. So now the pilots and passengers have to fight each other to the death in order to get access to the loo.

That movie idea made me laugh so much it aggravated my stomach muscles even more. Oh no, I was gonna pop at any moment. Decided there and then if the restroom isn’t free in the next 5 4 3 minutes I’d take one of those puke bags, squat in the aisle and let loose, while flipping everyone the bird and asking if they had a better suggestion on what I’da done. Obviously after such an incident I’d tender my resignation at the club ‘cos ain’t no way I’d be able to show my face in PH again, let alone perform in my tidy greenies. Would u pay for a lap dance from a stripper who at any moment could splatter doodle in ur laps? I think not.


Like when Abraham took the knife to Isaac’s neck I was pulling out the puke bag when the door to the restroom opened and I ran in. Thank You God. Father, thanks for answering my prayers. This was another ram in the bush moment. Phew. I promise to act right from hereon end.

Lagos news: Another weekend another trip to Lagos for a mate’s wedding. Again, I arrived at Lagos Saturday morning and rushed off home to change. This time though I didn’t take a date along with me ‘cos didn’t wanna have another “talk” about friendship status. Good thang ‘cos by the time I got to mate’s wedding it was virtually over. The traffic aside a family friend was at the house so decided to drop him off at his crib on the Island before setting out to the first - yeah u read that right – wedding on the Mainland. As is the norm when telling folk u off to a wedding they say, “U back in Lagos for another wedding again? Man, u must really love ur friends. So when are we attending urs?” And I always respond, “Not to worry, sometime next year. I have a date, even hired the venue, all that’s left is for me to decide on a bride”. They crack up and shake their heads thinking I’m joking. If only they know how serious I am.

Peeps, I ACTUALLY rented a venue in Lagos and even bought a ring. This marriage thang’s definitely gonna happen next year. If the ring is too tiny for the Chosen One then she’s gotta lose weight, if it’s too large then she’d better start stuffing her face with food now. Tunde’s Wife Project 2008 is in full effect. About to hire a camera crew to go everywhere with me in search of the perfect bride. What a show that’d make, huh? Ha huh ha huh ha huh ha huh.

Kinda reminds me of the TRUE story of some chick who’d been selling aso ebi to folk even though her long time boyfriend hadn’t popped the question. Dude found out about this enterprise from one of his mates and confronted the girl about it. “Well, since we are gonna get married anyways I decided to sell the fabric as I got a fabulous deal. Aren’t u proud that ur wife-to-be is thinking about our finances?” Dude was so proud he dumped the girl. After further investigation it was revealed that her aunt had advised her to take the bull by the horns by buying said aso ebi in order to “force the hand of ur boyfriend to propose.” Yup, ladies that’s what u get when u listen to an aunt who just returned from The Benin Republic with fabric to flog off. Lol…okay I digressed yet again, where was I?

Oh yes, so in car with family friend who’s a few months younger than moi but got married about 2 years ago. Glad dude’s car wasn’t available ‘cos the trip to the Island from Apapa was worth every traffic stop and pothole.

Mate: I know u were joking about the venue and all, but u serious about getting married next year?
Tunde: Yup……hold on, I gotta pick this call up.
(After the call)
Mate: So is she the one? The girl on the phone, she the one?
Tunde: Nah. Just someone I’m catching a movie with later today. In all honesty I am not sure there’s a clear frontrunner in the race for potential Mrs. Tunde. Ha. But I know I gotta make up my mind by December this year.
Mate: Why that date? What u really looking for in a woman?
Tunde: U know I’ve thought a lot about that question and….hold on while I answer this call.
(After I get off the phone)
Mate: So is THIS one a clear frontrunner?
Tunde: Lol….yeah, definitely. Back to ur question, I have thought about women I’ve been out with or hung out with and if I’d do it all again I probably would ‘cos I learnt loads. Of the women I’ve been with I’d say if circumstances were different I’da seen myself getting hitched to maybe just two of them. And what did they have in common? They made me wanna be a better person, and that’s all I want in a wife. Not asking for too much, just want someone to have my back, u know.
Mate: Dude, I have asked loadsa my single friends that question and u the only one with a definite answer. Shows u put some thought into it. The latter part of ur response is real deep and there’s nothing that makes a man feel better than….what I am trying to say is, one of the reasons I love my wife to bits is that even when I have made a foolish mistake or act like a doofus she still sees the prince in me. Catch my drift?
Tunde: Word. That’s what I am talking about.

He then goes on to tell me what he’s learnt about marriage from his experience and watching others.

Mate: Dude, what most peeps forget is love is not enough sometimes. That’s why u and ur wife must be wholly honest with each other before u get hitched. I have a friend who’s having trouble with his wife now ‘cos while dating he’d borrow money to spend on her and now they married she has the impression he has more money than he does. So she spends like crazy and when dude doesn’t cough up more she rants so now dude stays outside ‘til late and only returns home when it’s time to sleep.

U see women don’t find it hard to love someone. It’s in their nature, even if there wasn’t love as at beginning of marriage over time she’ll get to love the person. But it’s us guys that need to work on it ‘cos it’s in-built in us to dominate and when we think we not getting the respect we deserve we are gonna go look for it elsewhere. That’s why I tell my wife she should remain the way she is. ‘Cos with what she’s doing it makes me wanna come home no matter the temptation that’s outside. It’s so crazy now that u don’t even need money for women to make passes at u.

Women are born incubators. U give them ur seed they give u a child. U give them a house they give u a home. U give them love they give u respect. U give them hell they…lol…let’s just say u don’t wanna be in such an environment.

Man, I’da listened to this dude talk forever. I was so pumped up after hat speech if I was seriously seeing anyone I’da proposed over the phone. Ha. Yeah, it’s ish like this that makes one wanna get married! There’s hope after all.

After the first wedding, went for a mate’s mom’s 70th birthday do, and then to another wedding b4 meeting up with mates for a movie. Saw Transformers and the effects are ace, though movie was waaaayyyy too long. Michael Bay made same mistake with his last movies The Island and Bad Boys II. If the movies were thirty minutes shorter the audience woulda been happier for it. Left Transformers feeling drained and all I’d remember liking about movie was Megan Fox, who by the way looks way too old to be in high school.

During previous trip to Lagos saw Die Hard 4.0 or is it Live Free Or Die Hard? Loved the movie and I definitely have a man crush on John McClane. Still don’t get why movies are given different titles based on region. Could someone explain that to me? Could be Too Hot To Handle or The Marrying Man; Point Of No Return or The Assassin. I don’t get it.

Family news: Spent two nights in Lagos again and it was way too short. ‘Cos I had to cram everything in I ended up catching up on some zzzzz when I returned to PH.

Discovered a neighbour had passed away, but ‘cos I left home early and arrived late I couldn’t express my condolences to the family in person. Regretted I had to do it over the phone upon my return to PH. Then when I returned to PH in the span of two days two mates informed me they lost their dads. Man, life sure is fickle. We struggle to attain stuff and then in a moment life ends. Man.

When I returned to PH my aunt based in the States called to ask how my love life's going. Now I haven’t spoken to her in forever so I knew something was up. Think my mom’s getting impatient for my wedding and is now bringing in reinforcements to coax me into marriage. Last week when I reminded her of my impending trip to Holland she suggested I return with a Dutch wife. "Hey, but I thought u only wanted me to date black girls?", I asked. "Yeah", she replied, "but I hear u still in touch with ur former girlfriend, the Indian one." "Lol…how do u know these things? Well, yeah we still in touch, but she's now married with a kid". "That’s a relief. She married an Indian, didn't she? So u see it's best that all stick to their own race." Yup, racist mom to the fore again.

Chief has apparently had it up to his neck as well ‘cos he tried to do the hook up thang as well. Unfrigginbelievable. I….nah, this gist is too good for y’all. Maybe when my book….maybe.

Speaking of books on one of my recent trips to Lagos I attended another mate’s book reading and a family friend read her powerful poetry during that event. Man, really wanna write a book about….about….thang is I don’t think I have the patience for a book.

Speaking of patience was driving from club when I heard Papoose’s new jam on the radio. Y’all know Papoose, the punk that delivered weakest line on Busta Rhyme’s Touch It Remix and then the lamest rap ever on Kanye West’s Hey Mama Remix? Well, was about to switch stations when I heard a weak ass line that made me laugh. Listened some more and think I may have been a li’l too hard on Papoose. How can one not crack a smile with ingenious lines like, ‘I won like three minus two’ or ‘You lost like a dude without a map’ or my personal fav ‘Got so much patience they’d call me doctor’. Quite cool.

Maybe I’d just publish my blog entries accompanied with pics of six-pack taken from various angles so I can call myself an author. Then during my, erm, book reading I’d show up in just my fav green g-string so all the world can admire the six-pack. Hmmmm, worth considering…… However, while dreaming up ideas for book thought about something else: wouldn’t it be a cool invention if one could have beer packaged in a juice box? U’d even have it with a straw so that way u’d drink and drive and if anyone saw u they’d think u were having juice? But what if folk get a whiff of u breath, of course they’d think something’s up? I hear u ask. Relax my young padawans Tunde (aka beer yoda) already thought of that. The new beer will come in a variety of fruit flavours. Yup, fruit-flavored beer. Can picture the packaging already. Might even call the product Beeryjuice so folk think it’s a spelling mistake on the package. Am I a genius or am I genius?

Entertainment news: I am sure Lindsay Lohan’s reading the last paragraph thinking, Hmmm, I wish that had been invented a month ago. Lindsay was right up there with Brittany Murphy as the only young white chicks who could be considered as potential replacements for my affection if Angelina Jolie decides to stick it out with Brat (Stinky) Pitts. Now she messed that up. Think I’ll nominate Megan Fox to take her place.

The Spice Girls are reunited and ready to go on tour again. Like I give a toss. Remember a while back when I slated Mel B/G/M for hooking up with Eddie Murphy ‘cos both their careers were heading nowhere? Well, I was wrong ‘cos since their hookup Eddie’s been nominated for an Oscar and Mel’s about to make more dosh by embarking on a comeback tour. Okay, the relationship didn’t quite work out, but at least they have a kid together. And now Mel’s slated Eddie in the bedroom department. Lol…why do women have to do that after an acrimonious end to a relationship? Don’t y’all realize us men are sensitive about such things?

Don’t get why I’m always stuck in Warri anytime a mega music concert is held in Lagos. Last year it was Beyonce, etc., this time P.Diddy, Ne-Yo, Rihanna, Kelly Rowland, John Legend showed up. Don’t know anyone that went but the feedback’s Kelly slumped on stage and had to be revived by the paramedics. That’s all folk were talking about. Mate got into a taxi and the cab driver went on and on about Miss Rowland’s unfortunate incident.

I don’t know what’s wrong with that Kelly girl. How she go come dance no chop better before she leave hotel? Na Cerelac be food? If she couldn’t handle Nigerian meals she coulda brought something from the USA. Imagine if she had died, the USA could use that as an excuse to invade us.

Yeah, heard Rihanna’s Umbrella has topped the UK charts for over 9 weeks and ‘cos the UK weather’s been atrocious over the summer she’s also launched a brand of umbrellas that are selling like hot cake. Now if I’d just write a catchy ditty about my t-shirts…….

Tot ziens and God bless.