I am not saying ur girlfriend used to be a man, but one can’t help but wonder why she pees standing up

Hola peeps. Tiempo largo otra vez.

Former college buddy at wedding: Tunde, long time. Meet my husband and kid. I see u still single. Maybe u’d hook up with my friend from college, Miss E.
Tunde: Lol…u are kidding, right? U know she now lives in Australia.
Former college buddy at wedding: So? U guys would be perfect together….
Tunde: And we’d name our kids Shrimp and Barbie, right?
Former college buddy at wedding: Huh? I don’t get it.

I could continue with more tales of hook ups, but u guys would probably think I’m making stuff up to satisfy my enormous ego. Believe me folk, this hook up thang is the current bane of my life. I need to get married asap if only to avoid this stress.

Priest (counselling couple): So why do u think u are ready for marriage?
Tunde: Dude, I am more than ready. Look at her, she’s gorgeous, smart, and if I get married asap maybe folks would finally get the message and stop hooking me up. Okay, so maybe I don’t really love her, but what’s love got to do with it anyways?

Speaking of marriage I attended 2 weddings in Lagos 2 Saturdays ago and discovered that particular day was weddings galore. I was invited for four weddings, but could only make two. Guess everyone wanted to get hitched on 07/07/07. That’s a sure fire way for women to ensure the guy never forgets their anniversary.

It rained like crazy in the early part of the day and as such both weddings were delayed due to traffic. By the time I left the first wedding the bride and groom were just arriving and I arrived at the second wedding just in time to hear the best man’s speech. ‘Cos I didn’t spend primo time at either wedding I didn’t get to observe the bride and groom properly, though I must say at the second wedding the couple looked like they’d be together a long time. How do I know that? ‘Cos they already look alike. Duh. Dontcha know the longer couples spend together the more they start to resemble each other? The way I see it since this couple already look alike this early into their marriage it’s a sure sign of happily ever after. Okay, I am retarded.

Didn’t catch a bite at either wedding so I can’t go into detail about the caterer’s proficiency, but the presentation looked good. Do u know who else looked good? Yup, u guessed it, moi. Even though I arrived from Warri that morning and didn’t have the time to ‘coordinate’ I still looked like a billion bucks…and we talking pounds sterling currency here, not pesos. My date looked aiight as well. Ha.

Speaking of which the initial plan was to attend the weddings with a neighbour. Called her a week before and she informed me she might be outta the country on July 7th. Man, after all the trouble I went thru to print His and Hers ‘I know person next to me is gorgeous but I am not with him/her. Just came to the wedding with him/her so I won’t be bored. Feel free to hit on me…if u goodlooking and have a job.’ badges.

U see I’da gone with some female mates, but, well, er, most women I know tend to regard an invite to a wedding as significant. So even platonic friends who wouldn’t normally attach gravitas to such things might be convinced by female mates that “no man would invite u to a wedding except he regards u as more than a friend”. I know I may be acting paranoid, but it’s better to act like this than some chick accusing u of messing with her feelings some time down the line, or worse, asking, “so what do u want from me?” Aarrrggghhhhhh.

Even neighbour at hinted at something similar by suggesting guys mightn’t step up to her at the wedding ‘cos they might think we a couple. Don’t blame her though ‘cos peeps tend to do paint in broad strokes like that. A family friend used to give my sis a ride to church and they’d usually take seats next to each other. Anyways, one day he overheard someone refer to my sis as his girlfriend and dude flipped. He told us this and we couldn’t help but crack up. “It’s not funny people. Maybe there’s some chick at the church that fancies me and no approach has been made ‘cos she thinks Kemi and I are a couple. From now on we are not sitting next to each other. In fact we are not riding in the same car. If I gotta give her cab money then I’d do that, but no more.” Guess what? Six months after dude got involved with someone and they now married. Life, eh?

So back to the weddings. A few days to the weddings neighbour calls to say she’d be in town but her mom’s drafted her as company to one of the weddings. What to do, what to do? At that moment a mate called and I chose to be wholly honest about my fears. Told her about the plans with my neighbour and how I’d love her to be my date, but fear she might take the invite as something other than it is. She laffed uproariously and assured me she didn’t see me as anything other than a good friend, a “buddy’ if u will. In a sign that suggested my X part of my chromosomes were in full bloom I thot, “Hmmmm, so she doesn’t fancy me? That’s good to know….or is it? Why doesn’t she fancy me? Oh yes, I know, she’s never seen my six-pack before that’s why. It’s okay, during the wedding I’ll pay a waiter to pour some wine on my shirt so I’d have an excuse to take it off. But isn’t she gonna question why I have a spare shirt in the car?”

So 7th of July comes around and it’s raining like crazy. If I’d not travelled to Lagos from Warri just ‘cos of the weddings I’da spent the day sleeping ‘cos was crazy tired. So I got dressed and drove over to my date’s crib. She opened the door and looked like Ariel from The Little Mermaid, with flowing long hair and all. Now y’all see why I stopped hanging with ugly chicks? Lol…y’all knew I’d to go there, right?

Anyways we go to the first wedding where the bride’s a friend from college. As intimated earlier couldn’t stay long ‘cos had to stop by other wedding. Anyways, on the way out I chat with some mates from college and as we step in the elevator date asks, “Who’s that girl with the pink dress u just spoke to?” I tell her it’s some chick from college I kinda chilled with. She then proceeds to smile like a Cheshire cat. “I see, no wonder she was giving me the daggers.” All the way down to the lobby and then the car she had this crazy smile on her face. Still don’t know if it’s good - Yeah, I am so knockout stunning his fling from college regards me as a threat - or bad - Maybe I’da stayed at home and not bothered myself with this bozo. Hopefully, at the next wedding we not gonna meet someone he’s involved with. Goodness knows I look too good to have some chick attempt to pull out my expensive weave.

We arrive at the second wedding and she excuses herself to say hello to her mom. Turns out the groom’s her cousin. Small world, eh? Like the perfect gentleman I prostrate – not fully as I didn’t wanna crease my suit – in front of her mom and we exchange a few pleasantries. I’m sure she was thinking, Nice young man. If I wasn’t married and 30 years younger I’d….. Lol, I kid. I did notice she kept glancing at my left ear lobe though.

Oh yeah, forgot to mention the diamond stud’s back. I retired it when I arrived from the UK in February 2005, but my ear’s been itching lately for some conflict-free diamonds. Call it midlifeearly 30s crisis if u will, but I’m loving it.

The couple looked amazing and the story of their hookup nearly won me over about hookups not necessarily being a bad thang……..I said NEARLY. U know how u attend some weddings and come away feeling relieved that u still single, well after these weddings I felt encouraged about the institution of marriage. Nice to see young couples take the plunge. While we on the subject of marriage….

Family news: Was great to see family after almost 2 months away. Y’all know what an oxymoron is? That’s erstwhile lifelong bachelor Kinzo seriously asking when I’m getting married? Lol. Man, hurts even more that I won’t be able to make his wedding.
Even this close to the wedding dude and I were still enthralling Loye and Jide with recent stories of marital infidelity we’d encountered. Lol….dontcha just love sowing seeds of doubt in the younger generation.

Kinzo: The problem with u younger ones is y’all still wholly trust women. Some doctor friend of mine just told a few of us about some high flyer who just discovered he’s been shooting blanks. But wait, dude has 3 kids! Lol…man, women sure do play dirty tricks. One needs the grace of God in choosing a wife.

It was my turn to regale them in recent goings-on from the R.I.G.

R.I.G. news: Never felt 2 weeks fly by so fast after recent dance instruction on the R.I.G. What did I learn this time? It’s sad that us Nigerians still let stuff like religion, ethnicity, family background divide us. B4 I thought it was only football that united us but after recent stint on the R.I.G. I’ve discovered the fear of infidelity is the tie that binds together men of all persuasions. Heard some Christian dude and a Muslim conversating…

Xtian: Man, with this job on the R.I.G. where one gets to spend 2 weeks at a time, one’s gotta pray for a virtuous wife.
Muslim: Word.
Xtian: I am a pastor as well and if I die right now and my wife considers remarrying, it’ll hurt me from the grave.
Muslim: I feel u.
Xtian: Now imagine her cheating on me. Man, I know God requires us to forgive and all, but I’d kill the man that does that.
Muslim: It’s true. That’s why one needs a virtuous wife. Our wives know when we leave the house that we gonna be away for 2 weeks so they can get up to all sorts of nasty stuff if they wanna. My brother, it’s the grace of God o.
Xtian: Yup. I can’t imagine what our colleague must be going thru. He got home and discovered his wife in bed with someone else. Dude was at a loss for words.

Man, I should buy a camcorder pronto so I’d record the R.I.G. activities for y’all. Also met other dudes discussing a colleague’s impending marriage. One of the guys gave a funny anecdote about his mate’s dad. Turns out dad’s regarded as quite a conservative fellow, so when he invited his son and mates out for a drink no one was keen to go, but as it was free drinks they thot they at least owed the old man a chance to get stuff off his chest.

“My son, I know we’ve never been close but I’d be failing in my duty as a father if I don’t give u proper advice. They say marriage isn’t easy and it’s partly true. However, if u want to have a long lasting marriage like ur mom and I follow these 3 rules and u’d never regret it. I hope ur friends are paying attention as well.

First, give ur wife money, lots of it. Give her loadsa money so she won’t look at any guy out there, or envy her friends. Green’s not a good colour on women, believe me.

Next, make love to her, WELL. If u gotta read a book, or seek advice from me in order to perfect ur skills, don’t be ashamed. Sex is probably the most important thang in a marriage. Sleep with ur wife so good that she won’t have time to walk, let alone look at any other man. Let her be keen to tell her friends what y’all have been up to. U know women love to talk about these things.

Lastly, smack her around well. Yup, u heard me. What y’all looking at me like that for? Do I have to delve into pidgin English for y’all to get my point? I say, make u brush am well well. Brush am so tey she go forever respect u and if anoda man make mistake look am or talk to am she go fear u so tey na she go come report herself. Make she fear u so that when her friends wan make ya house hangout joint she go dissuade them.

Live ur life by these three rules and ur marriage will be joyous.”

Lol…only on the R.I.G.

PH news: Went out on the town with mates and some mate just wanted to keep on drinking so took us to some spot that’s open ‘til even later in the night. Turns out there’s a good reason it’s open that late. Er, y’all seen Pretty Woman? Exactly.

Man, it’s a shame I’m never getting those 2 hours of my life back. Dude felt awful that he made everyone visit the joint so he tried to make up for it by dragging “girls” to come meet his friends. Brought some chick that seemed to be the mother hen to the other chicks…..and she wanted to sit beside me. Highlights of the night include:
a. Her always referring to me as My love. “My love, come dance with me so I’ll warm u up.” “So my love, where are we sleeping tonight?” “My love, make I hold one Harp now.” “My love, why are u so quiet? I hear the quiet ones are very dangerous if u know what I mean (wink. wink.)” “My love, since u are not paying me attention I’ll go to ur fine friend over there. Dude fine no be small, only say e get rabbit ears. My love, I like ur small ears.”
b. My love picking blackheads off my jaw line and telling me she has a fetish for zits/bumps and the like.
c. Two of the “girls” almost getting to fisticuffs after one mistakenly spilled one’s bottle of beer while dancing. Never seen a woman throw a plastic chair that far. I am sure she must work out or something.

Moral of the story? (1) When this mate tells me he’s only going out for 2 hours, multiply that by 3. (2) Since I don’t drink, and I do decide to go out with this mate, I’d take a camcorder around so I can record escapades peeps get up to. (3) Take own ride so if I get bored I can leave.

Point 3 is most important and can’t believe I fell for that again. Flashback to ATL in 2003 when girlfriend at the time said she had some tickets to a ragga concert. Man, I can’t stand ragga. It’s just as bad as reggaeton, but that’s another story for another blog. So we take her ride along and that was probably the worst 5 hours of my life. I wish we’d driven in separate cars. Talk about wanting to pull one’s (armpit) hairs out. One song was never fully played out, just DJs playing one chorus after another and then shouting at the top of the voices, “Buyakasha. Ya mon, Babylon mast fahhllllll. Me hate battyman.” Most shocking aspect of the night? A DJ crew from Japan. Man, u haven’t lived ‘til u hear a Japanese guy attempt to speak patwa. Surprisingly, they were the best DJs as well. At least they let the song play thru.

At some point I feared gunshots would start flying after two short DJs started dissing each other, and questioning each other’s manhood. One ran into the crowd to bring out some Shrek-lookalike and said, “tell them who u be”. Fiona Shrek replied, “me him wifey”. Apparently, that was a joker to suggest he wasn’t a battyman. Like I said, 5 hours of my life I’m never getting again. Honestly, I almost broke up with that girl for subjecting me to such torture.

Okay back to PH. Two weeks ago was on my way from lunch with a friend who just kept on yakking about something or the other. Just I was about to turn the radio up to drown out her rant about her financial status some okada comes across and rams into Parminder’s side mirror.

Aarrrgggghhh. Man, I friggin’ can’t stand PH anymore. First when I got here peeps said over time I’d warm up to this place. Lagos has the traffic but li’l wonder why I always run there when I get time off. Traffic’s crazy here as well, stuff is more expensive than Lagos, power supply’s getting better but still atrocious, roads are bad. I might have to dust up my resume. Man, I need a move away from this place.

What has PH done for me? There’s petrol scarcity here even though we have a friggin’ refinery. Bought petrol for Parminder and the generator at some exorbitant rate and it cost me 12,000 Naira. I don’t need this. Man, Yar’Adua had better do something fast else his honeymoon period on my blog’s gonna end asap. Worse, petrol stations have no petrol yet right beside them are dudes selling product black market-styllee. To makes matters even more hilarious I couldn’t find a female attendant to flirt with so rolled down sleeves of shirt – no longer exposing biceps – and asked some dude working there if he had any product. Dude asked if I’d buy “black market”. “I no fit trust those black market guys’ product”, I replied. Dude assured me that it was from his pump at the gas station! Bloody thieving bastards.

Now cell phone’s acting up as well. What do I mean by ‘acting up’? The other day phone rang and as I was about to answer I turned to a mate and jokingly said, “I wonder if it’s Janet Jackson calling.” I picked up the call and b4 I’d do my Lionel Richie impersonation of “helloooo” my mom on the other end said, “No, it’s not Janet.” How could she have heard what I said b4 I picked up the phone? Could it be that phone now has a mind of its own? Since that incident I have noticed other weird stuff like text messages bouncing back if I don’t stare at phone screen for exactly 33.4 seconds after sending message. Eerie? No, it’s friggin’ PH!

While ranting on in my head I turned up the volume to drown out missy’s continuous rants when I heard the funniest song I’ve heard in ages. Song was about a hitherto barren woman who went to a herbalist in search of a child. After she gave birth to a male child she went to church to give a testimony. When she returned home the ff happened….

Mom: Pikin, u dey hungry?
Child: Ehen.
Mom: Wetin u go chop?
Child: I want to drink small stout!
Mom: Wetin u talk?
Child: I want to drink small stout!
Mom: Sharrap. U go chop breast?
Child: No, I want to drink small stout!
Mom: U want Coke?
Child: No, what of tombo?

The chorus was so, so originally, unintentionally funny I parked my car and laffed like crazy while the rest of the song played on. Lol….okay, there’s one thing I like about PH: songs that u’d never hear anywhere else.

While still listening to radio the DJ read out text messages from listeners making song requests. “Dear Mix Master, please pay a song for my two lovers and ask them to forgive me ‘cos I am getting married to someone else next week.” Totally true, I s%$t u not.

Then as I was about to drop Miss Talk-A-Lot off I saw an okada guy with GPRS. Dude was about to make a turn and heard Turn right slowly. Make next left for Rumokorishi street. Only in PH.

Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Peeps, FINALLY the t-shirts are out and were made just like I wanted. Get ur orders now. Offering a service where if u call now ur names (or spouse’s name, for y’all newly weds out there) can be printed on the back for free. Design concepts came at the time when Alams (remember him?) was arrested, but they still germane and with the rate some of the ex-governors have vamoosed from the country there’s no end to the hilarious inscriptions I’d come up with. Y’all heard bout the former governor who won a seat in the Senate yet refused to show up for fear of arrest by the EFCC? His reason? He’s applying for a post grad course in the West. Lol….like I said earlier, order ur t-shirts now.

Oh yeah, asked a lawyer friend of mine to copyright designs so no one copies them. Guess what? In addition to a 30,000 Naira fee the copyright commission have requested I write an essay of what value I think t-shirts are gonna add to Nigerian society? U what? I kid thee not. Where on earth do these copyright folk get off? Am I back in high school?

PPS
Was recently informed a mate of mine’s pregnant. Haven’t seen that chick in ages, but she was one of those that u’d give 2 hours notice if u wanted to go get a pizza ‘cos her hair’s gotta be always tight and makeup’s gotta be donned as well. I bet if she’d apply mascara on her protruding tummy she would. Hey, think I just came up with an idea for MAC: Mac 007 for tummies of pregnant ladies. Helps to reduce stretch marks and gives it a shine. I betcha women would flock to buy that stuff.

Speaking of make up on unusual places a mate of mine – u know who u are – said she’s developed zits on her arse cheeks. Lol…how does that happen? Sitting on public loos without placing bog rolls on seat? So if one applies the usual Clerasil or Oxy10 or Dudu Osun to that region, does one have to lie with one’s back facing up so it can air out properly? Lol….we need to get those guys from MythBusters on this.