I’ve been seeing Lisa now for well over a year; she lives in fear ‘cos 1 day daddy might find out she’s in love with a N#%&a off the streets

Hola peeps. Estoy moviendo la casa otra vez.

Yeeaahh, it’s Friday….oops, but I am in Warri so that means I am doing squat. Bummer. Last Friday at least I was in PH and even though whatever I got planned ended by 9pm, at least I still did something. While in PH think I heard an ad on radio about a new club opening up that starts at 3pm! Man, if the stakeholders don’t get their act together more businesses could depart PH and turn the place into Warri.

B4 I got to Warri I thought, “Oh well, new location provides an opportunity to partake in new adventures so bring it on. Besides, when I applied for a position at the club I told them I relish challenges.” I think it’s high time all job applicants fashioned a new synonym for ‘challenge’. If I hear anyone use that word again in reference to job opportunities I swear I’ll grow an afro with a bald spot at the centre (aka moon ‘fro). After one night in Warri I thought, “Oh man, I’m gonna spend a year here?! Just when I had convinced myself into spending more time in PH this happens. I am crazy bored.”

Was so bored I signed up for golf lessons. I know what y’all are thinking, Golf? Friggin’ golf? Tunde must be getting old. Nah peeps, playing golf will gimme a chance to pretend I’m Tiger Woods, and for that I’m gonna buy Nike hat, Nike polo shirt, Nike belt, Nike boxer shorts, Nike shower gel and other appurtenances. Peeps, I am going the whole nine. (Geddit? ‘Whole’ rhymes with ‘hole’ on a golf course; nine as in 9-iron golf clubs. Geddit? Aw, forget yous.)

Honestly, playing golf’s not gonna make me feel old. All my close mates getting married, that makes me feel old (more on that later). U know u old when u tell ur dad u been out on a date and he responds, in all seriousness, “Hmm, u went out with Miss X? I know her parents quite well. They are good people. Erm, so when do u want me to meet them ‘officially’ on ur behalf? U do know suitable wedding venues are quite difficult to secure so we’d better get started asap.” (More on that later as well….or maybe not, as I don’t quite fancy more self-flagellation.)

PH news: Remember my soon-to-be-married mate? Dude’s sobriquet is now 95%-married mate ‘cos he FINALLY popped the question to his fiancée, and as expected, she said yes. Phew. Almost developed serious neck injury from his back and forth attempts at proposing: “Do I propose today? Nah, she pissed me off, I’ll hold on….okay, I’ll propose…no, I’d wait…” It was like watching a really long tennis match. Now it’s done I gotta go cop myself a cooker ‘cos know once they get married wifey won’t be as cool with moi badgering them for a home-cooked meal.

Turns out dude proposed while in Lagos. I know it ain’t as foreign as the UK - where he originally intended to ask for her left finger closest to the pinky - but it sure beats PH. Maybe he finally summoned up courage after a colleague of ours hinted he was going to propose while vacationing in Dubai with his long-time girlfriend. Nada like some healthy competition between men to get jewellery on women’s fingers, huh? Maybe I’d do more research on this and publish an article in COSMO, One sure way to get him to propose.

Anyways other mate’s not back from Dubai yet, but if he did pop the question there then he’s gotta search for a larger apartment in PH and I wish him the best ‘cos there are some crazy PH landlords out there. One mate had to move outta his apartment before his rent was due ‘cos his landlord chugged diesel into the water borehole system in order to evict another tenant. Yup, ‘cos of one tenant seven others had to pay the price. I’m sure it makes sense in some twisted psychotic sorta way.

Another married mate who recently had a kid got his rent jacked up ‘cos his landlady “didn’t plan to rent apartment out to people with children”. To make matters worse the two places they really liked were owned by weirdos.

Landlord 1: U have a child, no problem. Just sign right here…wait hold on a minute, are u Ibo? Sorry I can’t rent to Ibos. I once had a tenant who was Ibo and he showed me hell. So what if ur husband is from Rivers State as I am? I am sorry, since u Ibo I can’t rent u my house.

Landlord 2: U have a child, no problem. Just sign right here…wait hold on a minute, are u Ibo? Good, I am Ibo myself. Where’s ur husband from, Rivers State? Sorry I can’t rent u my house. Before I bought this house I was discriminated against ‘cos I wasn’t from River State so made up my mind I won’t rent to anyone from this state.

All this happened in the space of a week. And y’all wonder why we have problems in the Niger Delta.

Lagos news: When I arrived in Lagos two Fridays ago traffic wasn’t bad as it was a public holiday. Mate dropped me off at home, picked up a car and drove to see my twin nephews at the hospital. They were asleep. This scene was to repeat itself every time I visited Kemi. I know the babies were less than a week old, but would it hurt to stay awake when they knew their soon-to-be fav uncle’s coming to visit? That’s it, ain’t no way I’m gonna permit them to be called Tunde1 and Tunde2.

As well, whenever I visited Seyi her son was either sleeping or eating. I know dude’s less than 2 weeks old, but he coulda been more active when he heard his soon-to-be fav uncle’s voice. That’s it, I am gonna buy him a Barbie doll on his birthday every year until he’s 5. That’d keep him confused for a while.

Rest of weekend in Lagos wasn’t so bad. On Friday got to see mate from the UK who’s around for his sister’s wedding. Dude’s returning in January for his wedding and when I informed Chief – dude asked if Chief would be present – he responded, “Good on him. Now u see that ur mates are leaving u behind…” Maybe I’d not tell that dude anymore stuff remotely related to weddings.

Later that day visited high school mate and his wife at theirs, and was nice to see them acting all mushy and stuff. I threw up a number of times due to their saccharine-fuelled antics, but it’s all good. Afterwards, met up for drinks with another mate.

Planned to get up early and go jogging on Saturday, but was crazy tired so slept in ‘til about 11am. Then drove to a cousin’s wedding, but first picked up Mama’s hot friend as she lives close to the wedding venue. I know I said I don’t date sisters’ friends but I can hang with them, right? Right? Aw, forget yous. Couldn’t spend long at the wedding ‘cos had another appointment on the Island, but stayed long enough for an aunt to enquire about my ‘date’. Explained who she was, but that didn’t stop her whispering to my uncle who called me aside to “talk about ur love life”. Man, it’s like friggin’ deja vu all over again. It’s probably my fault as this is the third ‘friend’ dude’s seen me with in the past year.

As expected with any trip to Lagos I gorged on cinematic movies. Shoot ‘Em Up was fun, lovely escapist stuff that’ll make me smile whenever I see a carrot. Knocked Up was cute and funny in some places, but longer than necessary. Some parts, like the Vegas scene, coulda been scrapped. Oh well, the movie made loadsa money while I’m still trying to get a show on TV, so what do I know?

On Sunday evening was taken out for a pre-birthday movie and dinner. The night was made even more perfect by receiving a gift that was exactly what I wanted. (Almost as if she read my mind.) Chief’s aforementioned statement on marriage did put a damper on things when I returned home. Was too tired to set him straight so went to bed. Fast forward a few days when I call Nike in the UK. “Hey. Dad tells me there might be an ‘introduction’ with Miss X’s family in December.” U what? I need to set that dude straight. U’d think that I’d at least be aware of my own introduction! That dude sure is a trip. This is the same guy who was moaning a few weeks back about not having his kids at home anymore, and how empty the house feels. Lol. The house sure felt empty when I visited…and all the moms were so chuffed to see me as if I’d been away forever. They almost smothered me with their hugs and food. If there’s such a thang as too much love, that’s what I’m getting anytime I visit Lagos from now on. Ayo had better not rescind his decision to return to the country; I’ll pay for his plan ticket if need be.

Warri news: Knew I was in for it when after one night here I wanted to go back to the ‘life’ of PH. Spent first weekend exercising and watching TV. Saw another edition of CNN’s God Warriors and it’s quite intriguing. What I don’t get about the station though is their new i report sections. Erm, isn’t it lazy journalism to allow folk film stuff and then y’all report on it? If I wanna watch home-made videos then I’ll go on YouTube. Duh. Funniest i report I saw was one of dude who was filming the recent Malibu fires while driving. Wouldn’t it have been ace if a cop had stopped him and whupped his arse for doing something that reckless, and he had filmed it? Okay, just realized I’m typing a blog about i reports. Arrgggghhhh. Told y’all I was bored, didn’t I? Over the weekend also watched Mrs. Kirchner campaigning in Argentina and thought to myself, “woah, what a fox.” Then there was some story about Mrs. Yar’Adua’s pet project and thought to myself, “woah, what a fox.” Yup, when there’s nada worth watching on TV my crush on older women comes to the fore again.

Anyways, like I intimated above I plan to enrol for golf lessons and we’ll see how that goes. Spoke to colleagues who live here and asked them what they do after work. Their answer? Nada. Most of them are married so their unanimous response to combating ennui is to make my crib as comfortable as possible. They then try to make me feel better by stressing the fact that there’s no traffic in Warri as compared to PH or Lagos. Duh, there’s no traffic ‘cos the town’s empty, there’s nada to do. But there’s no traffic, seems to be everyone’s signature when they try to convince one of Warri’s positive attributes. It’s almost like reading or listening to news of Nigeria from a foreign broadcasting service where the signature’s always ….Nigeria’s the sixth largest exporter of oil in the world yet over 75% of its population live in poverty.

So far hearing the locals speak takes me back to the six years I spent here in boarding school. It’s true that no one coins slangs in Pidgin English like Waffarians. While picking up luggage at the airport one of the luggage inspectors kept repeating “Bros, I bow for your profile” over and over again until I understood he was ‘hailing’ me and gave him a tip. Later in the week I overheard some folk talking about the scandal at the House of Representatives. “ What do u mean they cannot seat ‘cos she took the mase with her? Make dem go make another one jo. No be carpenter dey carpent (sic) am?”

Before I continue my Warri adventures pardon me to mount my soapbox again.

Politics news: Can’t for the life of me understand why the Speaker of the House of Representatives won’t step aside for her case to be heard. I have met stubborn folk, but she takes the biscuit. Doesn’t she know her family name (okay so it’s her husband’s name) is being dragged thru the gutter? Don’t she have family who’d advise her to do the right thang? For goodness sake, someone lost his life ‘cos of this debacle; has she no shame? This path she’s embarked upon defies all logic.

That’s it; it defies all logic! Remember Exodus in the Bible when Moses released plague after plague on Egypt and yet Pharaoh remained resolute? If I remember correctly the Bible explains that God hardened Pharaoh’s heart, and so when normal folk like moi woulda acquiesced to Moses’s request – I know if I were Pharaoh and Moses’d threatened to release roaches in my apartment I’da given him the Israelites quick time - Pharaoh stuck to his guns (erm, bow and arrows?) Maybe that’s the scenario with Speaker Etteh. Either that or she’s the most selfish woman since Scarlett O’Hara.

Another week, another political tribunal shocker. So far the results of gubernatorial elections in three states have been upturned, and more of the same is expected before the year runs out. Hope Maurice Iwu and Obasanjo are pleased with their handiwork. Free and fair elections my blistered left arse cheek.

In all of this it’s quite ironic that it’s the same folk whose vote was nicked who are gonna reap the benefits, albeit temporarily. Peep this: the governor of Kogi state whose election has been upturned by a tribunal recently effected a 15% increase in civil servants salaries ‘cos “when my workers are happy I am happy”. I see, but u didn’t deem it fit to make ur workers happy b4 ur election was exposed as dodgy, huh? Can’t wait to see what happens in Oyo state where the governor’s decided to go to war with the civil servants?

Now most governors are shaking in their nefarious boots and listing their accomplishments for all to hear. “Erm, erm, since I became governor of this state a few months ago I have received twelve released hostages…”

Warri news (continued): So where was I? Oh yeah, was so bored I asked to go on a job asap. So I get sent 2 hours from Warri to this middle-aged lady who wanted me to rub palm oil, yes palm friggin’ oil, all over my body while I danced. Afterwards I went to the hotel that was reserved for myself and the driver and suspected what was to come when the receptionist was busy eating garri and egusi instead of attending to us. I just wanna check into my room and wash this palm oil off me. As if that’s not bad enough this here receptionist is consuming a meal made with palm oil as well. What’s it with folk in this area and palm oil?!

Mrs. Receptionist continued her munching and paid us no mind, so the manager attended to us. Dude then had to gall to inform me the rooms reserved were, well, not exactly available. U what? Dude suggested the driver and I share a suite instead; and no, he wasn’t kidding. Stormed outta the hotel and drove back to Warri even though it was late and my armpit was sticky from palm oil. By the time we arrived at the guesthouse dinnertime was over. After a few words with the cook dude said he’d only offer us some starch and owu soup. Was starving so wasn’t in the mood to be picky. Food gets served and I discover both starch and owu are made with, u guessed it, palm oil. Arrggghhh. Come on, someone cut me some slack here. If I was famous I’d sworn I was being Punk’d. U mean I gotta cope with this for another year? Hey, let’s look on the bright side, at least there’s no traffic… Tot ziens and God bless.