Not everyone with a capital O in their last name is Irish or Nigerian

Hola peeps. Al parecer, estoy en él para ganarlo.

Just got in from PH, making it third weekend in a row where I have been away from Warri. Not ‘cos I didn’t have stuff to do here – to be honest I didn’t exactly need my arm twisted to embark on my journeys – I just had to continue my quest to see more of Africa. Three weekends ago it was Lokoja, then it was PH, and this weekend it was, erm, PH again. In my defense I was in PH for a course on Thursday and Friday so decided on extending stay to take advantage of the tourist activities on offer such as bars, restaurants, and erm, erm, more bars and restaurants.

B4 y’all say anything just wanna put it in the public domain that I still detest most things about PH. The roads are worse than ever, power situation’s even more atrocious – both weekends I visited only flash encountered was from lightning – and the traffic, oh man the traffic. Weekdays, weekends, day, night, it don’t matter, roads are typically gridlocked. Solutions, we badly need solutions. I know it takes ages to construct new roads, but the least the governor can do is to fix those that are degrading. I am sure dude has challenges, I just wish he’d give the people an insight into some of these. Or should we go back to retrieving news reports of how he had corruption charges filed against him b4 the immunity clause took hold? Maybe we’d even expatiate on how tight he and his predecessor, who governed for eight years, were and how the latter is doing everything short of imbibing Erik Weisz’s spirit to avoid facing trial for enriching himself in office. All in due time.

No matter, I still love PH’s vibrancy. That’s hyperbole for saying I miss the familiar. Since I don’t yet have a hangout partner in Warri PH’s the next alternative, and visiting spots I hadn’t come across while residing there was major highlight of the weekends. Oh yeah, mustn’t forget to mention the songs I heard in PH. (Probably didn’t hear them here due Warri radio DJ’s penchant for playing an artiste’s entire catalogue in one go.) One of my new favourites is My Mama where dude croons about calling his mom when life gets too tough. It has an unforgettable beat that forces one to nod one’s head, almost like the Timaya songs. While humming the song at PH airport today I discovered a dude had it as his ringtone. By the magic of Bluetooth I now have it and shall play it for anyone lucky enough to come across me in Lagos this week. Yup, who needs a distribution deal when SuperTunde is around?

On Saturday night I had one of those ‘song so weird u gotta stop what u doing and listen to it’ moments. Y’all would recall this occurred last year with that Pikin song where dude sings about women who visit witch doctors for a chance at getting pregnant – I hear there’s a remix; see what I miss out on by being away from PH? Ha. Well, newest contender for the weirdest song crown had this hook: we dey wiwe like Mbadiwe. To y’all non polyglots ‘wiwe’ translated from Ibo means ‘to get angry’, and as far as I know Mbadiwe is a popular Ibo last name. So song writer has writer’s block, tries to do a Fela by smoking weed for inspiration but nada happens, so he thinks to himself, Hmmm, while in Lagos I heard someone once respond “mo wa bi ewa, I dey like Dele” to an inquiry about his present condition. I’d do the same, only on an Ibo tip. Ibo guys would love it so much I’m sure I can sell enough copies to enable a purchase of five hundred naira airtime on my phone. Only in PH.

Yup, but not only in PH does the club management put me up in less than perfect hotels. That’s why I still think I’m stuck in one of them 24-hour reality shows where yours truly is the protagonist. This hotel was clean, food was aiight, but in trying to appear posh they chose the cheap route. Case in point’s the electronic doors. They decided recently to forego normal keys for electronic access cards, but suspect they musta copped the door locks off the back of a truck ’cos always had issues opening them. Most painful of all I was placed on the third floor and place had no elevators so I’d have to climb and down six flights of stairs whenever the door wouldn’t open; this occurred at least once a day. Went out Friday night and when I returned in the wee hours of the morning discovered the door to my room fully open. Maybe the cleaner decided it’d save everyone trouble if no one bothered with the door.

Come checkout time on Saturday peeps couldn’t find my laundry. Either they incompetent or they’re hoping I’d forget my clothes. Might even be their way of trying to make me stay past noon check out time so I’d have to cough out additional mullah. Tsh tsh tsh.

More PH news: On one of my night time adventures I bumped into a military checkpoint where dude was pissed we didn’t stop on time so we pleaded it was ‘cos we didn’t see his dull flashlight. “What u mean? This my torchlight he are on dey shine for 24 hours!” I couldn’t help myself. “Oga, so u mean say na 24 hours u dey on am? Even for day time u on ur torchlight?” Dude caught on. “I e are mean this my torchlight are on 24 hours for night.”

Apparently I have lost significant weight, at least that’s the opinion of three different people – maybe the director of the reality show told them to say so - and if that wasn’t bad enough I also discovered I may have a negative influence on 3 month-married mate. Both weekends I was in PH we hung out with other mates at night and discovered that prior to my arrival dude hadn’t been out at night since he wedded. His wife musta been shocked at his sudden switcheroo she called to check up on him every 15 minutes. Awww. A certain part of me is happy for the dude, nada better than knowing someone cares for u so much they calling to check up on u. On the other hand due the calls we had to cut the outings short – was particularly peeved about Friday night when I was ‘in the zone’ throwing down my old school dance steps – and confessed to mate the calls made me glad I am unmarried. I reckon that night helped push back my marriage-ready date by at least another year.

Family news: I think I’m downright scared of marriage. Not that I don’t wanna get married, I do, just don’t think I’ll overcome my fears anytime soon…and b4 y’all start to go there Chief ain’t one of those fathers that insist on social endogamy. Now that’d be bad news for Chief. Do u know that dude called the other day and asked when next I’d be in Lagos ‘cos “the family misses u”? Awww. For a guy with such a large family dude sure knows how to make one feel loved. While trying to soak up this warm, fuzzy feeling dude immediately snatched me back to reality with a speech about why I’d make up mind soon about wedding dates ‘cos “one has to secure suitable venues ahead of time” and since he’ll be 70 next year – hence a huge party - he’d not want a clash of events. U what? Really need to have a straight talk with the dude, no joking around this time, ‘cos dude’s subtle hints might soon turn to threats. I wouldn’t be surprised if a few days after the, ahem, ‘straight talk’ I walk into his room to find him frantically scribbling away. “Oh u wondering what I am doing? Nothing important, just adjusting my will to reflect the varying degrees of my love. The married children score highest while the balding, sixpack-having, goatee-wearing, diamond stud-rocking ones shall only inherit my unused Marks and Spencer Y-fronts.”

If y’all think I got it bad how do u think poor Ayo’s coping living under the same roof? Chief is even more eager for Ayo to get hitched ‘cos…psstt, can y’all keep a secret?.....deep down no one in the family really believes he’s engaged. ‘Cos of doubts expressed by the family his fiancée is keen on her family meeting us asap b4 Ayo changes his mind. Hee hee, that boy sure ain’t going nowhere. Still, it ain’t as bad as a colleague who discovered this morning that his dad and uncle, without his say so, visited parents of one of his girlfriends last weekend to express their interest in taking her as his wife. Dude’s gonna clock 38 later this year so the dad’s probably getting antsy.

Called mom today and she said, “Long time no see. So u don’t miss ur mom anymore?” Laughed and told her I’d be in Lagos in a few days. “Yes”, she replied, “ur brother told me.” So she knew I’d be with her soon and still popped that line about not missing her? Ha. Was I right or was I correct when I told y’all she loves being the centre of attention?

That said I have missed Lagos big time. ‘Cos work’s been so intense haven’t been back since I left in early February and it’s definitely the longest I have been away since I moved to the Niger Delta to work on stripping career. Blame it on my high level of inertia. Yup, once I start something I find it difficult to stop and once I stop something the reverse is true; hence, high inertia level. Now I am addicted to jogging again and try to increase the number of laps every time I run. Hey, that’s probably where the aforementioned weight loss has come from!

Guess my fear – okay my other fear apart from u know what – is I don’t wanna get to a point where I just ‘accept’ stuff, u know what I mean? U see some men with huge ass stomachs and wonder how stomachs ever became that huge? They just ‘accepted’ that after a while. Women with chest hair thicker than Eric Estrada’s who ain’t bothered to shave off anymore and instead flaunt it in public? Acceptance. Women with facial hair so thick Barry White’s rolling in his grave? Acceptance. Guys with man boobs so large a hungry calf might mistakenly latch on for sustenance? Acceptance. I know I have ‘accepted’ sweet tooth so make up for it by jogging like crazy and visiting the dentist every six months.

At the moment I am trying not to ‘accept’ the flirting thang and it’s high time I stopped being SuperTunde, trying to take on the problems of the female species. Need a shoulder to cry on? Call SuperTunde. U a Tunde ex needing a pick me up or someone to bash for ur current man troubles? SuperTunde’s on speed dial. Someone to flirt with and make u feel good about urself ‘cos guys don’t seem to be giving u play at the moment? SuperTunde to the rescue. Someone to cheat on ur husband with ‘cos bonehead’s sleeping with every thing in sight? Erm, the number u are trying to reach does not exist, please hang up and never call back. Lol…but u get my drift. I am a friggin’ flirt savant. My pickup line in primary school - after I got over the sweaty palms and irregular heartbeats - was, “So how’s about we get married?” Once sent a Valentine day’s card to a West London cinema attendant ‘cos we struck up a conversation, while waiting on my date to choose a movie, and discovered she didn’t have a boyfriend and had never received a card her whole life.

Sure, SuperTunde’s antics make some folk feel special, but on the other hand some peeps might get the wrong impression. Recently a female colleague remarked that I possibly have “too much love to give”. Huh? What does that even mean? Think I got a clue while talking to this chick in PH traffic Friday night. Noticed she had a frown on her face so peered outta passenger side of mate’s car – yes, I am a scrub - and struck up a conversation. She ignored me at first, but then soon got her smiling and as these things go a spot in front of her car opened up, and quickly signalled to mate who manoeuvred in and we were gone so fast u’d think we stole something. Sure, she was probably hoping we’d exchange numbers, but SuperTunde is now using his powers for good, his good. Besides it wasn’t all bad for the traffic chick, I plan to use her story as the opening anecdote in my yet unfinished book, How To Flirt Ur Way Outta Traffic.

Tot ziens and God bless.