Kindly sign my petition to give Berti Vogts his P45

Hola peeps. Deseo que el equipo de Nigeria podría sentir mi dolor.

Got to Ghana the morning of the 20th and was ace to see the Bradford crew waiting at the airport. Haven’t seen some of the guys in over seven years! The three of them flew in from Scotland last night and another Bradfordian joined us from Lagos later that day. It’s amazing what us Nigerians do for the love of sport. Stranger still, one of the guys hadn’t visited Africa in 11 years, yet he chose Ghana over Nigeria as his first point of call because of the Africa Nations Cup. U gotta love it.

Soon as we left the airport I asked to be fed ‘cos went out the night before with married-for-3 weeks mate, his wife and her sister; and slept for the duration of the flight so didn’t munch nada on plane. Joe, the driver, took us to a chop bar where we tried pounded rice and palm nut soup. After the sumptuous meal we gained the strength to commence searching for tickets to the match between Nigeria and Cote D’Ivoire tomorrow.

Our search led to dead ends until other mate from Lagos flew in. Dude studied in Ghana – after his spell at Bradford – and developed enough contacts to hook us up with tickets. His ex, a former Miss Ghana I told y’all about some blog entries years back, discovered some one that’d arrange VIP tickets at $100 a piece. Hmmm, that’s quite steep for footie tickets, but since we all flew in to watch Naija win the Africa Nations Cup, what’s a little garri drinking b/w friends, eh?

As it panned out Miss Ghana got us the tickets for free, that’s gratis baby. See why I tell y’all it’s always important to end relationships as amiable as possible? Okay, if we discover tomorrow she got us tickets in the midst of Ivorien hooligans u can ignore that last sentence.

Oh yeah, almost forgot to tell y’all about the villa we rented. I walked in and was lost for words; it’s absofrigginlutely amazing. I’d imagine living in that place as long as possible. Hold on, is that a tear I feel running down my cheek? Unbelievably, I am getting emotional over a house. It’s either that or someone’s replaced my Vitamin C tablets with estrogen ones. Hmmm, that’d also explain why I spent half an hour at the sports bra section at the Duty Free, comparing their soft texture on the skin. Aaaarrggghhh, what is up with me?

Here’s a running diary of the rest of stay in Ghana.

Monday January 21st: Was difficult getting outta bed as Miss Ghana took us to the Monte Carlo last night where the music was excellent. Had planned a return trip to the club after Nigeria had thrashed Cote D’Ivoire….or so I thought.

It took us 3.5 hours from Accra to Sekondi – made a diversion to see Cape Coast where slaves were housed - in an uncomfortable van, but we didn’t mind ‘cos we were ready to support the Nigeria team with our last breath. Turns out what they deserved instead was a public flogging. The Ivorien team weren’t that good, but Nigeria was worse, way way worse. B4 I left Nigeria I remember Kanu the captain asking Nigerians to pray for the team. Why in goodness sake would one wanna waste God’s time when the team don’t bother creating opportunities for a pass? I now understand why folk love watching matches live; one gets to see stuff they wouldn’t normally on TV. Here are a few observations:

1. Eboue’s turned into a dirty player, sad to call him an Arsenal player. Dude feigns injury and tends to dive a lot, probably ‘cos he’s been hanging with Drogba lately.
2. Drogba may be a great player and all, but dude sure can whine. Man, this guy deserves an award for whining about every little thang. No wonder he loves to grow his hair long, I reckon he is a secret cross-dresser.
3. Of the Nigerian players Ejide, the defence, and Mikel Obi came outta that game with their heads held high; the other players should be benched for the next game. The wings weren’t utilized one bit, Utaka’s a waste of space who’d be sent back to Portsmouth asap; Taye Taiwo doesn’t run after the ball, he’s overrated; Olofinjana doesn’t deserve to play for a pub team let alone the national team; Yakubu is the laziest player on the continent.
4. Berti Vogt has no tactical ability, he’s a spent force. For goodness sake when did Nigeria start playing the long ball? Embarassing. Don’t they watch Arsenal? U get the ball, pass, and move; not get the ball, pass and stay on same spot.
We don’t need a foreign coach, but if folk at the NFA say we do then why peeps with no relevance like Berti Vogts? The NFA had also suggested talent-less Brian Robson as well. Oh man.
5. Emmanuel Amunike, the famous Nigerian winger now scouting for IMG, was seated directly in front of us and dude has the patience of Job. During the half time folk kept bugging him about taking photos, and he acquiesced to each request. Now I know why celebs lash out at folk.
Half way into the second half, dude put down his pen and pad and complained to a colleague about Nigeria’s play. Dude was so distressed he didn’t bother to make any more notes.

The drive from Sekondi was real uncomfortable. The guys on board couldn’t help dissecting the Nigeria team and how atrocious they were. Not so keen on driving to Sekondi again only to lose to Mali. Maybe we’d ask for Berti’s starting lineup before purchasing tickets to the game. Utter bollocks.

Tuesday January 22nd: Slept in ‘til 10am. Woke up to mad runs – went thrice in 30 minutes – and reckon that’s my way of dealing with the loss yesterday. On way back from the match yesterday couldn’t help thinking I was to blame.

After all the only other time I have seen Nigeria play live they lost 1-5 to Holland. But then I wore a Nigerian replica jersey and this time I didn’t; oh man, why am I acting like my actions have impact on what happens on a footie pitch? It’s the estrogen tablets, I’m sure it is. I’da carried out my threat to run across the pitch naked, maybe that’da shocked the team into playing well.
Good thang we staying in a nice villa; the place had a calming feeling. That said don’t think I can stand to leave the house today. Good thang Arsenal’s playing later today, their free-flowing winning style would go some way to easing the hurt I feel from Naija’s crap display.

Wednesday January 23rd: What an utterly crap football week. First Naija lose like punks and then Arsenal chose this of all the weeks in the world to lose like biatches to Spurs.

Was so pissed had to go out on the town to get my head outta losing. Went to some club called Waikiki – the less said of it the better - and observed Ghanaian chicks are well vain. This club, and the one we went to on Sunday, had mirrors and the chicks couldn’t help dancing in front of the mirrors. Last time I saw this happen was at Purdue University when some real obese dude with a red t-shirt – he always wore that shirt - always danced in front of a mirror shaking what his father gave him like he was the hottest thang alive. Good times good times.

‘Cos of all the losses I was too distraught to leave the house and spent the entire day watching TV….and not showering. Time alone got me thinking some more.

Went out all night without fear of being robbed, haven’t noticed any houses here with anti-robbery devices such as barbed wires on fences or stuff. So if that’s possible in other African countries what’s the deallie with Nigeria? If countries at war can end their attrition and return to the norm why can’t robbery in Lagos become a thang of the past?

However, with 5 guys sharing a villa u know the subject of women had to come up, right? Can’t tell y’all everything else I’ll be barred from The Guys Club, but while talking one of the guys said he regards the date he sleeps with a chick as the day they “start going out”. To which I asked, “so u’ve never had a girlfriend u didn’t sleep with?” Dude looked at me like I was a Martian. Well according to that seminal book men are from Mars and….SHUT UP u geek u!

Anyways through all our discussions I happened upon an interesting discovery. Y’all ready? Come closer, it’ll blow ur mind……CELIBACY is the way to go. It saves so much stress, what with guys believing one thang and chicks believing essentially any new vogue Hollywood spews out. Lately I’m beginning to grasp why guys can never win; women want u to remember a bricolage of whatever they deem important at that moment: the day y’all first met, the day of ur first date, the day y’all had ur first kiss, the first time y’all made love, the first time y’all bumped into each other in public and discovered y’all were wearing matching colours, etc. It beggars belief and just gets ridiculouser and ridiculouser (yes, that’s my new favourite word).

Thursday January 24th: Decided to go shopping for souvenirs, not for me, no baby. Here’s the thang, no matter how excited u are to be visiting a new place NEVER tell female friends ‘cos they always want some loadsa stuff. On what planet does ‘football’ rhyme with ‘shopping’?

Since Nigeria wasn’t worth sacrificing time for the crew decided not to take the long trip to Sekondi tomorrow, instead we bought a goat – affectionately called Billy – and decided on a bbq to support the Ghanaian team in their game against Namibia tonight.

Friday January 25th: The bbq last night was off the ying yang. Namibia played with real gusto and didn’t deserve to lose, but it’s all good. The bbq was so successful, and we had so much food and drinks left, we decided to have another shindig this evening.

That’s right, so no matter how crap Nigeria play I’m still gonna have a good time. Who am I deceiving? It’s the fifteen minutes left in the Nigeria vs Mali game and we playing like the first game. Berti Vogts must be having a laff. Taking off Odemwingie, so far the best player on the night, and leaving lazy ass Yakubu on? Friggin’ heck. Now I am happy I didn’t hustle for tickets to the game. The patriot in me wants Nigeria to win, but the realist hopes, nah prays, they lose the game so the coach can be fired.
Watching this game is disgraceful; oh man it hurts. That’s it peeps ur fav blogger has had his sports heart truly broken. This painful beyond words, it worse than what a woman can do. With a woman u can delete her digits from ur phone, avoid places where y’all used to hang out, hit on her sworn enemies. When ur country breaks ur heart, what do u do? I am Nigerian, I always will be Nigerian, I can’t just up and change where I am from.
Now I get why fans spew such vitriol on talk radio, now I get why crazed fans attack football teams, now I get why…hold on I know where Yakubu lives in Lagos! Yeah, yeah. I have Nwakwo Kanu’s cellphone number in the UK. Look I am not asking y’all to harm the players, just scare the life outta them to furnish Berti Vogts home address so we can egg his house. Just so I don’t get arrested I won’t provide all details, just guide y’all along, u know provide little tips so y’all know what to do. Here goes: Yakubu lives in the second to the last house on the left, Road _, Victoria Garden City, Lagos; Nwankwo Kanu’s UK cellphone number is 0796_57929_. Done my bit folk, y’all fill in the blanks and go forth. I’d appreciate updates on ur efforts.

Saturday January 26th: The crew went to the beach early in the morning. Shoulda done this earlier, but never too late. Played footie with some Ghanaians and worked out some sweat. Called it quits after a Nigerian mercenary – he knows who he is – banged up my knee. Had to limp from the bus to the plane, but that’s what one gets when one’s a top class footballer, innit? Ha huh ha huh ha huh ha

Notwithstanding the Nigeria footie results I am glad I embarked on the trip. So it was my worst sports week ever – yup, Roger Federer chose this week to lose his Aussie Open crown – but these things happen. With every bad sports week there’s a revelation like Jo-Wilfried Tsonga. U know what would make the sports malarkey easier to swallow, if the New England patriots lose to the Giants in Superbowl XLII. Ha.

I had so much fun doing this break I couldn’t keep track of all the things we did, though the photos on Crackbook – when I eventually post them – should go some way to filling the blanks.

Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
4 yards of Woodin fabric: $20
6 yards of Kente fabric: $100
Running around like a headless chicken in search of an ATM in Ghana that accepts Mastercard…..and discovering only VISA outlets? Priceless