Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn

Hola peeps. ¿Por qué no pueden parecerse ganar?

Attended first church service in Warri on Sunday. I know I had been coming up with excuses since I moved here so on Saturday evening I decided I’d get up early and make it to church. Well, I got up a bit too early and chose to while away time by jogging. Man, y’all should see how rock hard my six-pack is now. I’m so impressed I’m tempted to name each pack after a famous person; problem is no collection of famous folk comes in packs of six. If I had a five pack I’d choose from the Famous Five or a thousand and one bands with a quintet line up. If there was a seven pack I’d call them the Magnificent Seven, or name them after the seven dwarfs that chilled with Snow White, or even after the seven deadly sins. The latter would be particularly cool as it’d motivate me to try and subject the ‘sins’ by working out even harder. Bah humbug, there’s just nada significant that comes in sixes. Okay, maybe I’d get back to my church story…

Had seen some churches on way to and from club so decided to check one out. Got there about 8.45am and discovered I may have been a tad early ‘cos hardly any cars were parked outside. Walked in to find Sunday school sessions in progress and a male usher asked if I was married. Huh? Apparently, they separate married and single folk during Sunday school. Weird I think, but if that’s what they do then aiight. So I take a seat and discover the topic of teaching is…wait for it….yup, u guessed right: Marriage. Arrrggghhhh.

Man, it’s almost like I’m stuck in my very own The Truman Tunde Show. Seems the producers have decided that subliminal messages and other forms of subtlety no longer work so they decided to go all out. Think I’m kidding, here’s what happened in the past week alone.

a. First visit to a church in Warri and subject of Sunday school sermon is marriage.
b. Inform mom I won’t make it to Lagos for Easter due to the hectic schedule at the club, and her response is, How sad. Maybe u’d invite Neo over? Don’t believe it, since when did my mom get comfortable about sharing me with another woman?
c. I call my sis Nike in the UK and she informs me an estranged aunt told her she knows on good authority that I’m getting married in December 2008.
d. A colleague sends email to club staff about his impending wedding. This is same dude who’s been saying he plans to get married since I met him…two years ago!
e. I called former boss in PH to say hello and the ff conversation ensued:
Boss: Hope u received the email from ur colleague. Another one’s left u behind. If u not careful we’ll organize a wife for u.
The owner of the world’s greatest abs: Ha. No need for that, sir. Besides, the race is not to the swift…
Boss: All that one na proverbs.
The owner of the world’s greatest abs: Actually sir it’s Ecclesiastes.
Boss: What?
The owner of the world’s greatest abs: That passage, ‘The race is not to the swift nor the battle to the strong…’, is a passage from Ecclesiastes not Proverbs.
Boss: My friend, are u sure u still like this job?

f. A college buddy who recently, I repeat, RECENTLY got engaged has taken to referring to me as a chronic bachelor. Can u imagine the gall? This dude hasn’t exchanged vows yet he’s acting all hoity-toity.

And u wanna tell me I ain’t starring in my very own reality show?! I mean it won’t be so bad if I got paid for it or something.

If the plan of the producers – I suspect they either my folks or brother Ayo – is to get me all giddy about marriage then they failed ‘cos they stuck me at the club with two characters right outta central (type)casting. These guys are the randiest married men this side of Donald Trump. They’ve been in the male stripper industry for ages, and I’d learn a lot from them, but why oh why do they feel they gotta update me on their escapades? They almost remind me of guys in high school who bragged about getting some when we all knew they weren’t. Only in this case these guys are getting some and then some more. After they done conversing I gotta dab cotton buds in holy water and then wipe my ears clean with them. I have taken to walking outta the dressing room as soon as they open their mouths, u know, just so I remain sane.

Warri news: Okay enough about the M word. How y’all been? Enjoying the hustle and bustle of city life? Ur fav blogger’s still a li’l bored in Warri but he’s starting to appreciate li’l things about the place. There’s the lack of traffic - which is awesome - and ‘cos of that I’ve taken to driving around on weekends seeking new routes to an ice cream parlour I recently discovered. I don’t ask for much, do I? Unlike Lagos and PH the major roads are well lit and cab drivers have been known to switch off headlights on such routes “to save battery power”. It’s amazing what an unsteady political career would do to one, innit? The cynic in me would suggest the current governor is rapidly improving state infrastructure ‘cos his electoral victory is still before the election tribunal and he needs all the goodwill he can muster, but the optimist in me’s hoping he’da done the same regardless. Let’s give the dude the benefit of the doubt and stick with the latter position; goodness knows I need as much help as possible from getting jaded with politicians, what with Hill and Obama trading blows like ‘girly men’ and the Spitzer scandal.

Nah, maybe I’d remain a cynic at least ‘til the governor’s first term is over – if he lasts that long – ‘cos he’s barely been in power 10 months and already we have all singing, all dancing sycophants like the zombies in the Thriller video. Peep this, I am driving around last weekend when I turn on the radio – can receive signals from only two FM frequencies and they BOTH the same state radio station! – and some ditty about the state governor’s accomplishments is playing….and now can’t get the crap chorus outta my head.

Our governor, u dey treat us well o
Uduaghan u dey do us well
Yaw yay yaw
(2x)

As if that wasn’t enough the talentless band leader decided to channel his inner Michael McCrary.

Governor Emmanuel Uduaghan. Yes, Emmanuel means ‘God with us’. God is truly with us because you have done amazing things. Things we haven’t seen before….

And the station played the song again and again and again and again and again. I drove for 15 mins and listened to the song all the way to my destination. Copped some ice cream, got back in the car and yup, the song was still playing. Also I have noticed the station has the laziest DJ ever; either that or dude’s got 3 jobs. This dude’s never met a pirated CD he didn’t like. He puts on a CD and plays the entire CD. After all 23 songs of Kenny Rogers greatest hits are done with, he chats shite for a minute then puts on another artiste’s CD and endeavours to play every song on that CD as well. That’s why I suspect dude’s got other jobs ‘cos one afternoon the Meatloaf CD skipped for near on 3 minutes before he switched it off. That day Meatloaf finally lost his rag: I know I said I’d do anything for love, but this is beyond ridiculous!

Relationship news: Yeah right, more like weirder The Tunde Show news. So I bump into some colleagues discussing marriage the other day and all of a sudden the focus switches to me. As I tried to hem and haw my way outta their questions some dude jumped to my aid.

Abeg leave the guy jo. My guy, take ur time and marry when u feel like it. Just be careful u don’t end up with an Akwa Ibom girl. Why, u ask? Lemme lay this on u:

I met a girl back in uni and I kept teasing her, calling her wifey and other terms of endearment. Well, one day she looks me straight in the eye and says, “I like u and u’d better tell me if u joking ‘cos if I choose to like u big time ain’t no way u gonna leave me. I ain’t kidding. Lemme tell u, my mom has been massaging my waist since I was nine years old. I’ve been cooking with her since I was five. Ain’t no way if I do my job right my man’s gonna consider looking at other women.” Of course I made my excuses and quietly grabbed my pet rabbit from her claws.

A year later, I discovered a mate was dating an Akwa Ibom chick and told him the story I just told u. Dude laughed just the way u are now. Well, fast forward a couple of years and I bump into dude again; turns out he had married the chick. After we converse for a while he tells me he’s going to his village for the Xmas holidays, and I ask him to send my regards to my aunt in Sapele ‘cos that’s where dude’s from.

“Sapele ke? No, I am talking about my wife’s village in Akwa Ibom. What my mother-in-law does for me my mother never did. When we go to the village she tells my wife to relax, and does all the cooking. She even clips my toe nails! To be honest with u the only reason I still talk to my mother is ‘cos she raised me.”


Memo to self: do not date an Akwa Ibom chick, date her mother instead.

U.S. political news: The Pennsylvania primary is still 5 weeks away and one can tell networks like CNN are scraping the bottom of the barrel for news. The other day they screened a piece on how over 50% of past US presidents are firstborns and how firstborns are natural leaders ‘cos they gotta take care of other siblings. To add more gravitas to the piece they presented a study by a reputable university that suggested firstborns get 20% more of their parents’ time than their siblings and….like I give a hoot? What utter drivel. I gotta face 5 more weeks of this shite?! Arrrgggh. Reminds me of some study I read a few years back that stated males with loadsa brothers turn out to be gay. Erm, should I be suspecting the sexual orientation of one of my 5 brothers now?

Hold on…CNN’s playing snippets of Senator Obama’s Philadelphia speech in response to controversial comments made by his pastor. Man, this guy is good. He’s real good. His speech was brutally honest and no matter if it costs him the election dude can look himself in the mirror and be proud. And there I was being cynical about politicians. Just when I thought I was out they pull me back in! Americans would be plain dumb not to saddle up with this dude.

If only Eliot Spitzer could say the same. Women sure have a way of making us guys throw caution to the wind, no? Can u imagine what Spitzer’s wife and kids are going through right now? No wonder his successor, Governor David Patterson, came right out and confessed to a sexual indiscretion of his own. Who woulda thunk it?

We’d all pray for Spitzer’s family and hope they can deal with this positively. It’s so easy to blame public figures as being architects of their own downfall, but how many of us guys have the willpower to turn down advances from the opposite sex? After the Spitzer sexual scandal broke – we’d add Bill Cosby’s, Bill Clinton’s, Jesse Jackson’s, and Jim Bakker’s scandals in there as well – I thought to myself, ‘There, but for the grace of God go I’. (Yes, sometimes I love speaking like a Yoda who grew up in Elizabethan times). U wanna tell me all the prominent men mentioned above didn’t know what they’d be losing by indulging in extra-marital affairs? It truly is God’s grace that keeps us on the straight and narrow.

Memo to self: when u become president of Nigeria make sure wife is present on all trips. Yup, even if u going to the loo take her along with thee.

However, one angle I think hasn’t been covered in the Spitzer scandal is the prostitute’s addiction to…wait for it…Facebook. U’ve been outed as the responsible party for Spitzer’s downfall, ur face is splashed across local and foreign media, ur source of income’s no more, and the next thing u do is update ur Facebook profile (indicating Ashley is sneaking out the back door)?! If Mark Zuckerberg was Nigerian u can be sure his fellow countrymen would swear he used jazz to create such a devoted clientele.

Nigerian political news: A plane that departed Lagos for the Obudu Cattle Ranch was reported to have crashed five days ago, and still no one has the foggiest idea where the crash site is. If I had been subjected to gamma rays in a lab my pants would turn purple and I’d be green all over by now. What is friggin’ wrong with us?

The House of Representatives assigned a committee to investigate utilization of funds disbursed to the power sector during the Obasanjo administration, and for the past few days their deliberations have been broadcast live on terrestrial TV. It would be interesting to see their concluding report ‘cos one can’t help but hang one’s head in shame at the revelations so far. Even worse, the average Nigerian doesn’t hold out much hope that the committee’s final recommendations would be implemented. Can u blame them, when not one electoral officer or policeman has been punished for aiding in rigging elections last year; the summations of the judge in the presidential election tribunal indicated that nada was wrong with the elections held last year; judges issue ex parte motions willy nilly to past state governors to prevent them from answering for their crimes while in office; nothing’s been heard lately of the Ministry of Health contract scandal involving a sitting senator who happens to also be a daughter of the former president; the current administration’s been in office for over a year and the people have nada positive to say about the president other than “at least he ain’t as bad as his predecessor; etc.?

I’d go on and on, but I’ll just do my head in. As is our wont in this dear country of ours we holler at the top of our voices when we are treated like scum, but a fortnight passes and we forget about it. It only comes to the fore as a topic of discussion during parties or other gatherings so we can add our two cents about how useless our leaders are, and how only God can save Nigeria, and how we hope to steal if/when we get to a lofty position but not as bad as some corrupt politicians. Well, I’m not gonna play any part in it no more. The same manner in which I’ve taken to walking out of the dressing room when my colleagues start spewing rubbish is the same way I choose not to partake in discussions about Nigeria that won’t yield a positive outcome. Yup, no longer am I gonna be the verecund momma’s boy/engineer/actor/model/Nobel prize winner-to-be/Oscar winner-to-be/stripper/blogger/owner of the world’s greatest six-pack.

So what am I gonna do about my V for Vendetta moment? Well, for a start I’m gonna pursue more vigorously to get my t-shirts (remember those?) into the marketplace. To remain active ‘til I get a reliable graphic designer – they almost as elusive as Big Foot - I’ve decided to keep track of failings of our elected officers and publish them from time to time just to remind y’all that we all to blame if we don’t hold our elected/selected officials accountable.

Now I’m off to take a drive ‘cos I need to clear my head….and cop some ice cream. Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
This just in. Yet another colleague’s sent an email detailing his wedding plans. This ain’t right, it just ain’t right.

PPS
Oh just in case y’all are wondering my golf swing’s improving greatly. My swing coach said it would be better if I didn’t insist on wearing such tight fitting polo shirts. Hey, I’ve been jogging like crazy – another way to while away time in Warri – so need to show off my newly improved abs! Who wants to be Tiger Woods anyways?

Another plus about all this free time. It offers the opportunity to ponder existential type stuff such as: Where do ants come from? I mean they are no where to be found, then u drop a breadcrumb and all of a sudden they appear and Is it me or is everyone just as fascinated with how zips work? Something so tiny, yet so profound. Maybe I’d write a self help book titled ZIPPERize UR LIFE or something to that effect.

2 Comments:

Blogger Ms. May said...

LMAO, Tunde. You are nuts. That Akwa Ibom story is too funny. Oh, and I agree with you about Obama....that speech reinforced to me why he should be president but I can't vote so hopefully those who can will refrain from stupidity and choose him as the Democratic candidate. That speech brought tears to my eyes man. Transparent, Candid, Honest, Non-judgemental, and Fair - characteristics Obama has, and that any true leader should have. Only God can save us in Nigeria - ;-).

5:58 AM  
Blogger temmy tayo said...

You are so right about the Akwa Ibom tale. Ex ran away with one.lol

By the way I miss you.... hiss. When you coming over here? Howz my sweetheart?

4:38 AM  

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