Are u ready for CHOGM?

Hola peeps. ¡Esto es lo que usted llama un día de fiesta!

Gotta apologize for being absent for so long. U see the day I arrived Lagos from Warri I went directly to Ife from the airport due to family commitments. (Hey is it just me or do I need an English lesson? Have y’all noticed when Nigerian airlines give excuses for delays they don’t use ‘to’ after ‘due’. For example, “the flight is delayed due bad weather.” Am I missing something?) Anyways it was the first time at Ife in near 12 years. My first impression? I’d better suck it up if I wanna commence my grassroots campaign for the presidency.

The week before Xmas in Lagos was crazy. U know Warri’s looking more charming by the minute ‘cos this crazy Lagos traffic’s worse than I remember. Usually leaving the Island after 9pm on weekdays is a safe bet to avoid traffic to the mainland. Not anymore mates, seems 10pm’s the magic hour now. Crazy.

Spent a week in Lagos before I hopped on the plane for Kenya and I was like a kid leaving boarding school, counting down the days b4 my trip. During that week ran around doing some stuff or the other, but found the time to catch Beowulf and American Gangster. Loved, repeat, loved Beowulf. As usual Brendan Gleeson’s talent shone through and Ray Winstone was his usual capable self. Angelina’s xter was, well let’s just say even though most men who’ve seen the movie know the outcome of chilling with her they’d still take the chance. Yup, Brad Pitt’s the luckiest man alive.

Kenya news: Spent two days in Nairobi, Kenya and another seven in Kampala, Uganda. Woulda stayed even longer with my East African brothers if didn’t have to return for mate’s wedding. Yes, soon-to-be-married mate is now officially-married mate. Returned to Nigeria a day after the Kenyan elections and it’s sad to behold what’s currently happening in that country. Kenya’s reputation as a beacon of democracy in Africa has taken a bashing worse than Britney’s faltering career.

Left Uganda and Kenya with nada but praise and hope in Africa’s future. Soon as I stepped outta Nairobi airport couldn’t help but gush at the place. Nairobi’s friggin’ beautiful. Nah, scratch that, adjectives haven’t been invented to describe its beauty. Couldn’t believe I was in Africa. The street lights functioned, drivers drove in their lanes and didn’t honk at the slightest instance of traffic, and the city was properly planned. Didn’t even see a policeman soliciting bribe. Man, if I ever get off my cute butt to write that Africanized Bond-esque novel that’s been circling in my head for months Nairobi would be the perfect setting. Gotta thank Ugandan mate Dave for showing me the sights.

On the eve of our departure to Uganda we attended a wedding in some plush suburb near Nairobi and was able to observe first hand differences in Nigerian and East African wedding ceremonies. Unlike in Nigeria the wedding is held at the groom’s ‘place’ so groom’s peeps foot the bill. Also when the wedding cake’s been cut the couple, along with members of their train, serve cake to the guests and ensure everyone’s had a taste. This practise as well as the number of speeches made is uniquely East African. (Though discovered other observations at this wedding such as, cash bar, no couple’s dance and the DJ’s penchant for Brian McKnight slow songs, was alien to Dave as well.)

In Nigeria the chairman at the wedding makes a speech, then maybe the best man and the groom. Not in East Africa babes; here, anyone with access to the mic has a go at saying more than a few words. The speeches, oh man the speeches!

Y’all shoulda been there. Last time I had such a surreal experience was during my first church service in the States. It was in Lafayette, IN and for most of the service I wish I’d brought along a camcorder so I’d show folk in the UK that all the mannerisms of black pastors we’d seen in the movies were not exaggerated. All that was going thru my head was Arsenio Hall’s Reverend Brown in Coming to America. This dude even had a gold front tooth to match! It was sheer bliss.

At the Kenya wedding after the bride’s father spoke for ages and introduced everyone from his side who’d come from far and wide to attend the wedding - the record was held by some lady from Australia - the groom’s uncle started off by saying he’d not introduce all his folk as it’d appear as if he was trying to match his in-law’s speech, YET he still chose to inform us that the groom “also comes from an international family”. He went on to list peeps they got in Europe and rest of Africa, and topped it off by mentioning a cousin who had emigrated to the States via the visa lottery and is now married to an African-American with two African-American kids. At this point I couldn’t hold it in anymore I cracked up worse than Bobby Brown after spending a day taking “medication” for his bipolar disorder. Guess it’s an innate African trait to show off one way or the other.

While walking around Nairobi earlier in the day came across a spot that makes embroidered t-shirts. Sorry Nigeria I gave y’all a chance to partner in creating my masterpieces but y’all kept me hanging. Now I’m trusting Kenya with my legacy. Sucks to be u Nigeria, don’t it? After discussing with their rep, was quoted a reasonable price and sent to the head office to finalise the deal. Got to the joint and was kept waiting for so long I stormed out. Hello Nigeria, seems I am back. Forgive and forget?

Uganda news: I’d write a tourist guidebook to encourage Nigerians to visit other African countries, if nothing else, to break down stereotypes. (Peep this: I get off the plane at Nairobi, first time in another African country, and recognize a Nigerian who’s married to a neighbour from Lagos; apparently they been in Kenya for past five years. Once again justifying the stereotype that Nigerians are everywhere. Ha.)

When Dave told his fellow Ugandans he’s got a Nigerian mate coming over all the stereotypes about Nigerians came out: arrogant, 419ers, etc. Same happened when I informed Nigerians I’d chosen to visit Kenya and Uganda. Kenya, I kinda get, at least u can see the Safari. What does Uganda have apart from AIDS?

Thank goodness I didn’t listen ‘cos I had a blast and then some. Unlike Nairobi Kampala’s small and sure reminds me of Lagos, nah more like Benin with the red soil and all. Driving’s just as bad as Lagos, roads just as bad, boda bodas just as prevalent though not as reckless as their Lagos okada counterparts.

Didn’t do any “touristy” thang until the eve of departure to Naija when I went whitewater rafting. Yup, that’s the Caucasian in me coming out. We – raft of 8 folk and an instructor – rafted 31km through Class 3, 4 and 5 rapids. My body ached afterwards ‘cos we rafted from 10am until 5pm, but - channelling Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles - it was awesome dude!!!! I would do it again in a heartbeat and woulda gone bungee jumping as well if I had realized early it was on offer. Yup, plan to change my name to Chester or Tad or some other name only suburban white dudes would bear.

My stay in Kampala consisted of waking up after noon, eating, clubbing or hanging out, sleeping. It sure was a heckuva break. Loved every relaxing minute of the cycle. What else, what else? Can’t seem to think I am forgetting to tell y’all something……oh yes, the WOMEN!

B4 I left for this trip u couldn’t convince me that Nigerian women as a whole weren’t the hottest in Africa. Most of the East African women I met in the UK were hardly stunners and prominent East Africans on my TV such as Wangari Maathai aren’t exactly aesthetically appealing, so I wasn’t expecting much. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Yes, they all had dark gums, protruding foreheads and hips that any Lagos Mama Put would be proud of, but man, I saw so many stunners my neck’s still hurting from turning and twisting.

Though I met the finest looking East African chick ever in Uganda I reckon Kenyan women are the better looking of the duo. If u ever in Nairobi make sure u visit The Carnivore. It’s famous for serving meat, meat, meat. By the time we got there – after the long arse wedding speeches – the restaurant was closed, but the menu for the day included alligator meat and ostrich balls. Good thang I had someone call ahead to reserve a table for “a Nigerian prince Tunde” ‘cos the queue to get in was crazy long. All Dave had to do was call the manager aside and indicate that the guy in the dashing suit is a Nigerian prince with a reservation and we were ushered to the front of the line. Honest.

Wasn’t too bothered I didn’t get to sample the cuisine ‘cos never seen so many fine women in one place…and the music was off the gravity. It was New Jack Swing Friday and DJ was in his element. Everything from GUY to Johnny Kemp was on blast. Dude was so good he didn’t have to repeat songs. Man, the songs took me back, wayyyy back. Coming back to the women it appears every famous black star has a doppelganger in Kenya. I saw Rihanna, said hello to Kelly Rowland and danced with Nia Long. Woah. For the first time in my life polygamy seemed to make sense! I am definitely including The Carnivore as a setting in my Black Bond movie.

The hangout spots in Uganda on the other hand weren’t as on point as The Carnivore - I doubt anywhere in the world is – but they were still cool. Remember how I told y’all Kampala’s real small, well, got me a stalker from a wedding I attended in Kampala, and every spot I went chick was there. It’s not as if she ain’t presentable, it’s just that, well, um, she oozed desperation.

Woah, that’s a good line for my yet untitled novel. Wouldn’t it be weird if someone marketed a perfume called Desperation? Okay, sorry to digress, where was I?

I knew I had gotten myself in it when the girl asked me to dance. She held me close and insisted on singing out loud to every song in her sonorous voice; talk about strangling cats. I tell y’all anytime PSquare’s Busy Body is playing I still hear her croaked voice and smell her cigarette breath.

I gotta tell y’all Nigerian musicians 2Face and PSquare have a huge Ugandan fan base. Wouldn’t for the life of me have fathomed that. Could be a useful image laundering tool for Nigeria? Nah

Stalker insisted on holding my hand everywhere. At Club Silk - Dave and I got in free by playing the ‘Nigerian prince’ card again - she said she wanted to go to the ladies and insisted I walk her to the loo door. U what? Told her I’d walk her half way, but on way there bump into some South African stunner called, man, so bad with names I can’t remember, yeah, yeah, she’s called Susan. Anyways so this chick beckons to me and whispers, “My name is Susan. Send a waiter along so I can write down my number without ur girlfriend over there being any the wiser.” While laughing at this I notice Glenn Close walking towards Susan and me. In order not to create a scene I walked towards Glenn and ask if she ain’t using the loo anymore. “Who’s that girl, did u know her before or did u just meet her at the club?” Couldn’t believe my ears. Was I married to Miss Close now, is that the way it works in Uganda, u dance with someone and then they own u? Lol…knew I had to get outta there fast. Meanwhile my mate Dave is laughing his black arse off like it’s comedy hour or something. That was definitely the lowlight of my trip. Hey, at least I’ll always have The Carnivore.

Tot ziens and God bless.