Good guys don’t always wear white

Hola peeps. Es agradable saber que tengo los lectores que me odian.

With readers like y’all who needs enemies? Since last blog all I have gotten from y’all is hee hee hee at the state of my illness. Well, if it pleases y’all to know the itching stopped two days after blog was published; it’s been replaced by crazy headaches. ‘Cos of the incessant throbbing another blood test was taken – I feel like a pin cushion - and yet again no malaria or typhoid signs were seen. Doctor gave me some drugs he said would make me drowsy and guess what, they didn’t. Pain was so bad that I went back three days after and was referred to another doctor who said I am probably suffering from….drum roll please…post-malaria tension headache- yup, never heard of that either – and gave me some red tablets (Cataflam) to be taken 2ice a day, and b4 bedtime I was to take was some li’l yellow ones (Amitryptiline…or whatever dude wrote. I reckon they are mandated to take a class in aesthetically pleasing yet illegible penmanship in medical school). The neurologist suggested I take a half of the yellow tablets b4 bed and if I find it makes me too drowsy I’d reduce intake to a quarter. Apparently I am supposed to cut the tiny yellow tablets in two (or a four) with surgical precision - I knew I’da watched more episodes of ER.

Man, u’d see the bag the li’l yellow pills came in. There was a huge warning slapped on like those surgeon general warnings on cigarette packets. Plan to take first tablet tonight (Monday 14th July 2008) and if I wake up okay I’ll continue this blog and tell y’all about any zany dreams I had while high on half of the li’l yellow pill. If I don’t wake up, well, was ace knowing y’all.

Tuesday 15th July 2008: Well, I am alive, but woke up to discover I had peed in bed. No kidding, P-E-E. Now I am about to take a quarter of yellow pill b4 bed and just in case I have some, ahem, bladder leakage again I have donned on some Depends….y’all shoulda seen the looks I got at the pharmacy when I purchased them earlier. Even more embarrassing y’all shoulda seen how I avoided eye contact with the hot cleaning lady on my way to the car this morning. Well, u see, I kinda tried to disguise the pee stains by dousing the bed and floor with water in the vain attempt she would think I mistakenly spilled a bucket of water on the bed. I even left the bucket overturned on the floor like I was in a hurry when the incident occurred. Let’s hope it works….I knew I’d seen way too many episodes of CSI.

Wednesday 16th July 2008: Didn’t pee this time – but must say those adult diapers sure are comfy – instead dreamt I saw President Yar’Adua cussing like a sailor ‘cos he had just gotten off the phone with the wife who was complaining at not being taken along on his latest foreign trip. Man, it’d be a trip to hear him cuss, no? Lol.

Thursday 17th July 2008: Now this is getting ridiculous. I take the red pills when I get headaches and headaches disappear almost immediately, but right side of mouth starts hurting like crazy. What can a bro do to get cured without weird side effects?!

Took half of yellow pill b4 bed last night and this time dreamt I went to dentist and she pulled out a molar and handed it back to me. Simple enough dream, right? Wrong. Tooth seemed to weigh a tonne and was crazy huge like one of those props they used to have on Telematch - if u didn’t grow up in Nigeria in the early 80s u probably don’t have a clue what Telematch is. U see it was this German TV show that….nah, go Google it or something.

So where was I? Yeah, the tooth. So was carrying my huge tooth about when I observed it had a lid. Flipped lid open and noticed oompah loompahs in there messing around with wires and stuff. Weird, no?

Friday 18th July 2008: Last night dreamt I tried to purchase a Kangol hat from some stall in Camden Town but lady didn’t have proper size so I departed. Thirty seconds later her assistant ran after me protesting that I couldn’t leave without copping something. I plainly refused and dude came at me with a sword. All I had to defend myself was a shopping bag filled with bananas – I don’t even like bananas in real life – and woke up after dude stabbed me.

Now y’all probably thinking I’d get off the drugs, right? I was gonna do just that, but have played golf twice after getting on the pills…lol…’getting on the pill’…lol and my golf swing’s improved remarkably. Maybe it’s a positive side effect? What I couldn’t do in 15 previous lessons I was doing with my eyes closed. U’da seen me peeps, I am the reason Tiger Woods has taken a break ‘til next year. I am so chuffed I am considering wearing red polo shirts whenever I step on the golf course.

Oh yeah, gotta tell y’all that since I got on the drugs I’ve been doodling at exactly 2:16pm daily. U can set ur watch by it, man. Was thinking I’d go on one of those America’s Got Talent shows and display my ‘special’ gift for all the world to marvel at. The Incredible Doodle Alarm Clock Man. I’d be HUGE.

Saturday 19th July 2008: Last night dreamt Hillary Rodham Clinton was leading a conga line during a campaign event to celebrate Barack Obama. As if that’s gonna happen.

While we on the subject of politics I gonna tell y’all am tired man. Just plain drained from the goings-on in Nigeria. The populace don’t help themselves when all they do is complain, bitch and moan and do nada about the situation….yeah, that’s me included. Trust me if we’d find a way to harness the hot air that comes outta the average Nigerian’s mouth we’d reduce global CO2 emissions drastically. Peep this: while driving with a colleague, turned on the radio to find some minister was talking outta the anal cavity about Yar’Adua’s infamous 7-point agenda. Mate blew a fuse. “7-point agenda, 7-point agenda, make the guy do one point make we see! I never see this kain yeye president. Obasanjo do GSM, one point. He do bank consolidation, no be so? That na second point. Wetin this Yar’Adua don do? I don tire for this rubbish. Haba, in over a year this guy has nothing to show…… ”

Woosah dude, woosah. I feel the dude but like I already told y’all I am all shouted out. If I had any hair left on my dome I’da pulled it out by now. Imagine how much safer the environment would be if mate had just eased off his ranting. Maybe we need a public service announcement to encourage Nigerians to save the environment by not complaining about the actions, rather inactions, of our president. Read an interesting BBC article where it stated that maybe the recent spate of probes and reversals are a way for Yar’Adua to focus our attention on other stuff and not on his government’s non-performance. Hmmm, could be true. Yar’Adua seems to be playing what future legal experts shall call the ‘Atiku defense’, i.e. blame it all on Obasanjo. Think about it, of all the gazillion probes going on have any findings been released? Has anyone been arrested for cheating the Nigerian people? Yar’Adua’s supporters insist the president is evaluating all the options; he doesn’t wanna rush into anything. While he’s doing his doing whatever he’s doing hope he understands we elected him for 4 years, or does he think his second term is guaranteed?

Remember how I told y’all I’d write a blog titled Just in case you forgot detailing the unresolved atrocities committed by so-called VIPs? Well, too lazy for that so how’s about I just have a special section in blog entries detailing instances of justice delayed/denied? Cool? Good. So here goes:

Just in case u forgot:
1. Almost 2 years since the last administration and not one former governor’s been jailed. Almost makes one believe Alams was truly the sacrificial goat.
2. The Siemens bribe scandal where three former ministers of communication were listed as beneficiaries.
3. Erstwhile Speaker of the House Etteh is roaming free though she was accused of misappropriating funds.
4. Current chairman of the EFCC was alleged to have signed a surety for one of the accused former governors.
5. Nancy Drew and the case of the missing airplane.
6. Assassinations of Bola Ige, Funso Williams, etc

Oh man, it hurts, it hurts. Where my yellow tablets?

Sunday 20th July 2008: Mom called and chided me for not calling her. “Hey, but I spoke to you Friday night”, I protested. “Yeah, yeah but u should have called to tell me how ur health is!” Yet again, she makes herself the centre of attention and the li’l matter of my headache is just a bit player. Lol…one can’t help but love this woman.

Li’l yellow pills were supposed to make me drowsy but don’t feel nada. Lately, I have taken to taking the pills – lol…‘taken’ to ‘taking’…man, I love this drug - early evenings instead of b4 nighty night, then jumping in Parminder and cruising around Warri at night just so I could live on the edge. Maybe it’s the scientist in me but wanted to test at what point I’d feel drowsy. Drove for an hour last night, but no dice. Instead got lost in the Jakpa area of Warri. Now this area is supposed to be dodgy and right-minded individuals are advised to stay away after 7pm; this is an area where passengers on okadas are forced to raise their hands when passing through military checkpoints. Did that bother moi? Nope. Only thang I was scared of was Parminder ‘cos, well u know how much I keep praising the Delta State governor for fixing roads and street lights? Well, dude obviously is as scared of Jakpa as the rest of us ‘cos the roads are abysmal, yes, even worse than some sections of Benin. Man, by the time I drove home Parminder was shaking. My poor baby.

Forgot to tell y’all that mates from PH came around so went out on the town Friday night. Maybe it’s the li’l yellow pills but coulda sworn the atmosphere at the club was better this time around. However, think I’d find another hang out spot ‘cos each of the three times I have been there the DJ has had to halt music to announce that a car’s on fire. What are the odds?

(Yeah, b4 I go on I gotta ask what’s up with Warri chicks. Was dancing with this girl and then she starts rubbing her throat. Now I am thinking it’s some new dance step so I look around the club to see if one or two peeps doing similar. Nope, no one else. Hey, maybe she’s an avant-garde dancer. Another song commences and she stops dancing, puts arms on her waist and looks at me straight in the eye and blurts out, “I wan drink.” Huh? So that’s what the throat rubbing thang was about. She’da said something sooner or maybe been more courteous in asking.

“I say I wan drink!” Man, who send me message? No wonder no other guy was dancing with her. That’s it, I’ll buy her a drink and do a slow moonwalk away from her.

She tells me her tipple of choice is small stout so I head to the bar. While there I see mate ordering two bottles of small stout. Turns out his dancing partner requested two bottles. Lol….man, one couldn’t make this up.

Another thang I have noticed in PH and Warri is after a live music performance the MC comes on stage with the familiar refrain, “Abeg make una clap for this guy wey just perform. Clap well well now! Una suppose encourage them ‘cos if them no do this dem fit go join militants.” I kid u not, I hear that every time I go out. So they’d have us believe youth in the Niger Delta have two choices: music/comedy or militancy? Hmmm, schooling not an option I guess.

Also while we on that tip please, please, please don’t try to crack jokes about the spate of kidnapping in the Niger Delta. I mostly get, “Tunde, long time. I was afraid u had been kidnapped…” First five hundred times it was funny now it’s just played out. Please retire it b4 I get the unappreciated singers/comedians/MCs with a penchant for setting cars ablaze to k_d_a_ y’all. Capisci?)

Monday 21st July – Monday 4th August 2008: The past fortnight has been a blur….well, except for my exuberance at Karadzic’s capture and al-Bashir’s indictment by the International Criminal Court on charges of genocide and war crimes. As usual China and the hapless AU have jumped to al-Bashir’s defence, and so have members of the Arab League; the same Arab League that hasn’t uttered a word since Morocco’s subjugation of Western Sahara. I know I try to stay off religion on this blog and keep it light-hearted but don’t get why Muslims are not all up in arms about what’s happening to fellow Muslims in Darfur. Or is it only a crime when the Israelis kill Muslims? If we are to use same analogy then only blacks can complain about black-on-black crime. Shame.

Anyhoo hope the indictment sends a shiver down African leaders’ spines. Doubt it ‘cos the former interim governor of Plateau State was recently indicted on diversion of state funds, even though his predecessor was guilty of the same. Let’s not talk about former minister of aviation Fani-Kayode’s assertions that occultists were responsible for spate of air crashes in 2006. (I suppose the occultists diverted the aviation funds into private accounts as well, huh?). I’d go on and on, but this blog is long enuff already.

Where was I? Oh yeah. I gotta announce to y’all that I am officially off the li’l yellow pills! Knew there was an issue when the day after my prescription ran out I caused a scene at the club by screaming at a policeman who wanted to count the number of club-branded silk g-strings I was taking home with me – the club requests we sign those out. I mean dude was just doing his job, but I blew my top. Initially, couldn’t tell why I did that. Thot it had something to do with a colleague being ‘stuck in the mud’ while performing at a client’s home, but I was wrong.

(To the verdant in the exotic dancing industry, i.e. me, ‘stuck in the mud’ is a term used in the stripper industry when a client’s partner, who’s hitherto unaware of his/her partner’s penchant for exotic dancers, bursts in while stripper is performing and refuses to let stripper leave. Think R. Kelly in Trapped in the Closet.
U’da seen my expression when I found this out, it was like Frank Whaley’s when he discovered the term Broken Arrow existed.)

Now I know it’s the li’l yellow pills that’s making me irrational. After prescription ran out and was still getting those bad headaches returned to the clinic and was prescribed the yellow pills again. ‘Cos Mama was away from the country I called her hot doctor friend, who I have a massive crush on, to ask why doctors here prescribed same drug. Long and short of it is I still have a crush on her. Lol…I meant to saywrite that I finally discovered there’s no cure for ‘tension headaches’ since it has to do with nerves, and the red pill prescribed is an anti-inflammatory while the yellow pill is an anti-depressant…..or is it the other way around? I dunno, I’m so depressed. Ha huh ha huh ha

Gist is the headaches disappear when u on the drugs but return once u get off them, and in order not to get addicted – paging Matthew Perry, paging Matthew Perry - one has to s-l-o-w-l-y wean oneself off them. Slowly? That ain’t me. I am going cold turkey….or so I said to myself. Last week Friday the pain was so bad I woke up at 4.30am and chewed on a spoon to ease some of the pain from the right side of mouth. Was almost tempted to call those herbal doctors with jingles on Warri radios to ask if chewing on a hibiscus plant would help.

(OBTW u haven’t lived ‘til u’ve listened to commercials on Warri radio. Lately, there’s been this one by a guy called The Young Doctor. Dude promises to cure any ailment. There’s an even funnier one for a place that not only offers herbal remedies, but computer training and also helps in arranging student visas to Russia and some Scandinavian countries. Last week, there was a missing persons report and surprisingly we weren’t told dude’s height, hair colour, clothes he was wearing when he was last seen, etc. All the announcer broadcast was dude’s name, his age (30 years old), and fact that he was last seen on his way to buy snuff. Man, I wish I made these up.)

After the spoon chewing incident I went back to clinic and they suggested tension headaches could be due to stress. Was asked if I was stressed about anything. Couldn’t think of nada…well, except the teachers’ strike that was then into its 4th week with no commensurate response from Yar’Adua and his Minister of Education; global warming; the fact I can’t grow an afro like dude in Boney M; my crap golf swing (yes, the drugs didn’t make it better); and discovery that li’l yellow pills is making my skin turn yellow, albino-ish if u will, like that kid in the UK that drank too many Sunny Ds. ‘Cos of pills my pee’s now consistently gold. I am currently storing pee in plastic bottles in case I get motivated to create some modern art piece outta it. [Y’all can scoff now but when my Gold Rush is hanging, rather standing (geddit? geddit? Aw, forget yous) at Terra Kulture or the Tate Modern y’all would want a piece of my salty lucre.]

After the doctors prescribed an even greater dose of li’l yellow tablets I spoke to a colleague who recommended a good neurologist, and I booked an appointment to see him. Told this avuncular dude my phantasmagorical health status and he suggested I conduct more blood tests to check for any remaining signs of typhoid. Arrrggghhhh, more blood tests?! U’d think with advances in modern medicine they’d have tablets that tasted like Skittles or find ways to draw blood without injecting needles into veins. I know I said I prefer injections to tablets but so tired of getting pricked in arm; I feel like a voodoo doll at this point. (I don’t seem to mind injections in the butt though…maybe ‘cos I can’t see the needle go in or could be I just like ladies in nurse’s uniforms touching my butt. Hmmm, must remember to bring that up with shrink.)

So as I type this I am trying to psych myself to offer up my arm for more needle pricking…..it’s not going too well. Maybe I’d just go back to taking my li’l yellow meds so I’d emulate Hollywood stars and blame my scurvy actions on the meds. So Mr. Tunde u’d have us believe u pinched Mrs. Yar’Adua’s butt ‘cos u were high on ur meds?

Nah, maybe not. ‘Cos of yellow pills – or maybe I’ve always done it but drugs have made me more aware – I find myself answering twice to any question. For instance, my response to How are you? is now, “I am fine, I am fine”. Are you feeling better? “Yes, yes”. Real strange, no? Thank goodness thank goodness it ain’t affecting my writing my writing. Tot ziens tot ziens and God bless God bless.