U heard it here first.

Hola peeps. It’s been ages, I know. Just got back from a Xmas (psss, if u are a politician u can’t say the name of the holiday in these PC times, else u risk angering potential non-Xtian voters) break in the States and really had fun meeting up with mates and family again. Worst thing about the trip? The frequent flights I’d to take. My itinerary: London – Chicago – Atlanta – Phoenix – Oakland – Phoenix – Las Vegas – Atlanta – London. Man, how do air stewards do it? Must be a heckuva job. Those folk deserved to be paid as much as Premiership footballers. Maybe I’m complaining ‘cos I didn’t travel in a premier class. Nah, don’t think that’s it, ‘cos the wait at airports, not to talk about the faux security processes – more on that later -, is another thang that gets on my nerves. The most miserable flight I was on was the one from Chicago to London. Not sure if it was the lady to my right or the li’l boy to my left, but someone kept farting rotten-egg farts. Man, I almost choked!

Man, I hadn’t realised how much I missed the US ‘til I arrived there on Dec. 14th. Can’t explain it, but if I’d to choose a place to live b/w the US and the UK I’d choose the US. Maybe ‘cos I feel I have a better chance of meeting Angelina Jolie there. Thank u, thank u. I’ll be playing here all week. Guess it’s a moot question ‘cos I plan on moving back to Nigeria next month. Oh u hadn’t heard? Ooops, thot I’d told y’all. For some reason when I tell everyone about my intentions they think I’m crazy.

My British mates don’t understand why I wanna return to Nigeria ‘cos they don’t wanna admit they are gonna miss me. If y’all are reading this, it’s okay, don’t cry, I’ll come back and see y’all from time to time. Or maybe I’ll give y’all a shout-out during my presidential inauguration. My British-based Nigerian family don’t get why I wanna return to Nigeria ‘cos they are so used to seeing me here and my British-based Nigerian mates are trying their utmost to make me change my mind, maybe ‘cos they still need a non-married mate to hang out with. The latter are particularly selfish ‘cos most of them plan on getting married next year and hope I’m in the country so I can organise a bachelor’s eve party. Yep, these sad folk really are my mates. On the other hand, my US mates don’t want me to go to Nigeria ‘cos they want a tour guide when they FINALLY get on that plane to the UK; my US-based Nigerian mates and family don’t really seem bothered what I do, so long as they get their UK candy and Premiership football jerseys. Sad, I know.

I’m relishing my trip to Nigeria ‘cos I haven’t spent a considerable amount of time there since October 1996 and I wanna see if I can hack it. Unlike other foreign-based Nigerians I know, I am not too bothered about the security situation. It’s the intermittent electricity supply I’m most worried about. Hopefully, this young padawan can be a force - geddit? – for good in resolving that problem. Wanna know who’s most happy that I’m returning to Nigeria? My dad. Seems he wants me close by so he can hook me up with his mates’ daughters. Ha huh ha huh Yeah, the dating scene in Nigeria should be pretty interesting too. B4 y’all come to nasty conclusions let me say that I ain’t setting out to mess with anyone’s heart…..especially since they can send ‘the boys’ round to gimme a thrashing. Why I think the dating scene’s gonna be interesting is that Nigerian chicks of my generation seem to wanna get hitched asap. I can’t tell u the number of Nigerian chicks who’ve gotten married just ‘cos all their mates are getting hitched or ‘cos of pressure from family. I know of a chick, good-looking chick at that, who moved back to Nigeria ‘cos “Nigerian guys in the US aren’t ready to settle down”. Can u believe that? Okay, maybe I don’t understand the pressures of being a young Nigerian woman today, but u must admit that moving countries ‘cos one wants a partner is pretty insane. There’s also this chick who I last saw in 1995, turns out she works with my brother and my brother tells me she’s been bugging him to find out exactly when I’m returning to Nigeria. See what I mean? Maybe I’d make my fortune setting up a dating agency in Nigeria. Hmmm, that’s not such a bad idea. If u guys know of any Nigerians who are looking for partners let me know so I can sign them up. I’ll be sure to throw some commission ur way.

While travelling I was selected for a random security check. Again. I didn’t feel too offended this time around ‘cos a few Caucasians were also put thru the random security check grill. Felt particularly bad for this 3 yr-old kid who, ‘cos his dad was being searched, was padded down and had to take his shoes off. A friggin’ 3 yr-old kid for goodness sake! Hey, if that’s what required in order to keep suicidal terrorists off airplanes then it’s all good.

Terrible catastrophe caused by the Indian Ocean tsunami and I’m quite amazed by the world’s generosity. Was talking to an African mate about it and he wasn’t impressed. He said: “my country’s been at war for over 18 years and the aid/attention we receive is pittance compared to what those affected by the tsunami have received. I’m sure some surfer kid in Cali wishes he could surf such a tidal wave”. I know it sounds cruel, but the guy may have a point. In responding to the recent flak about the US being stingy in regards to their relief aid contributions a NY Times columnist said in the absence of a major catastrophe the US are quite parsimonious folk. He juxtaposed the number of folk, especially kids, in poor countries who die annually from preventable diseases like malaria and the number of lives that were claimed by the recent tsunami. He provided data that showed that if a tiny percentage of the aid the US directed towards the tsunami relief fund were used to provide drugs or mosquito nets then millions more lives could be saved. It’s plain and simple. Look at Sudan for instance, it’s likely that the janjaweed are still oppressing folk, but when was the last time u heard about the Sudanese refugees. Wanna tell me that all refugees have returned to their homes? I think not. Moral of the story? If u live in a country that’s going through untold hardship (e.g. Sudan; Western Sahara, who’ve been exploited by Morocco for ages; Somalia, whose elected rulers live in exile ‘cos they fear for their lives; etc) get a TV camera crew to record the goings-on 24/7 and hire a PR firm to herald ur suffering until the world takes notice.

Okay, got to go now. Yeah, yeah b4 I leave y’all to ur mundane lives let me dabble in a bit of forecasting. Okay, okay it’s not exactly my proposal, but.....peep this: I shared a train carriage from Oxford to Slough with a US couple in November and as we started discussing the US election the guy said that he’s heard George Bush pere had always wanted Jeb Bush, currently governor of Florida, to be president. He then said he believes that a year into Dubya Bush’s second term Dick Cheney will resign for health reasons and Bush will install Jeb as his vice president. Thought this was an unlikely scenario until I saw a pic of Jeb and Colin Powell in SE Asia yesterday observing the damage from the tsunami. So come 2008, if Jeb Bush decides to run for the presidency of the US u can say u read it here first. If that happens I’m gonna search that guy out and ask him for his opinion on US stocks to buy. Ha huh ha huh Tot ziens and God bless.