Do they know it's s@*t song time?

Hola peeps. How y’all been? Me? Just chilling. Getting stuff ready for my trip to the States. Gonna spend about 9 days in the ATL and 7 in Schwarzenegger county. Jealous, huh? Good. I’ve apologised to (read: emasculated by) Miss Jolie and she’s taken me back. Now, I’m at her beck and call. Do I really need this? Nope, but got no choice. I’ve had my eyes on a crazy pair of boots and I think she plans to buy them for me as a Xmas gift. After I get them I’m retrieving my cojones from the secret compartment in her handbag.

Been out so many times over the past 2 months I actually decided to take last weekend off. Ended up lounging and watching loadsa TV. So there I was bored outta my head and flipping thru channels when I came across the new Destiny’s Child single, Lose My Breath. I’d seen it b4 but never really paid attention to it. Turns out the song’s about a guy who can’t keep up in bed, thus not making Beyonce et al lose their breaths. Anyways, in the video Kelly dances b/w 2 guys and asked them “didn’t mama teach u how to give affection?”. Huh? Dunno about y’all, but behaviour like that isn’t even accepted in Arkansas or Utah, where folk have been known to do the intra-family breeding thang. I know, I know, I’d get a life, huh?

Was also watching TV the other day and came across the new Band Aid video. To y’all outside the UK do u remember ‘Do They Know It’s Xmas?’, the single released in 1984 about the same time as ‘We Are The World’ to commemorate the abject conditions in Sudan? Well, since it’s the 20th anniversary of the song’s release Bob Geldof’s (the guy who masterminded the Band Aid thang) decided to re-release a new version of the song to highlight how things have actually deteriorated in Sudan since the 1980s. Nice plan, right? Wrong. Well, the plan was cool, but the execution was poor. First, they got Madonna to introduce the video and one’d tell she was blatantly reading from a teleprompter. I mean if u can’t remember ur lines it’s cool, but don’t make it blatant u can’t read from a teleprompter. I mean her husband’s a movie director for goodness sake. She’da practised at home before appearing in front of the camera. It was after her performance on Will & Grace I knew she couldn’t act to save her kids’ lives. Damn, even Julio woulda done better.

Next, Geldof decided to round up the crème de la crème of UK youth music this time around, but the new version turned out crap. I mean really, really unbelievably crap. As a kid I loved the 1984 version and still do, but these guys really messed it up. Don’t they know how their dreadful single has affected my memories of Xmases past? If some other genius attempts to release an ‘updated’ version of Last Xmas by Wham I’m going on a killing spree. Serious.

Due to ennui over the weekend I also started thinking about stuff. Not existential stuff though, but real stupid stuff. For instance, going back to the new Band Aid single, how did Geldof decide who he was gonna pick and which artistes to ignore? So he’s chosen some and obviously everyone can’t have a solo performance, so how did he decide on those that’ll be featured prominently in the video and those that’d sing the chorus? Man, I’da paid to have watched faces of those who were rejected or told they wouldn’t be singing solos. Also, if these young music stars are really concerned about the plight of peeps in Sudan how many of them have actually donated funds to a charity? I’m afraid to be this cynical, but most peeps actually featured for publicity reasons. Oh by the way, forget Jamelia my newest crush is Joss Stone. I know she’s just 17 but I’m prepared to wait.

If there’s anything that pisses me off about the UK it’s the number of folk (boybands, girlbands, soap stars, so-called reality show celebs) that get to the top of the charts by releasing covers of ace songs. To y’all outside the UK y’all don’t know how lucky u are. U know all those soul covers Michael Bolton made, well, he did an ace job compared to these shameful, no talent folk. Honestly, the only way to prevent this s@#t from happening is to seize spare cash from teenagers who are mostly responsible for getting songs to the top of the charts. If this is the future of the UK then I’m outta here……for the Xmas break at least.

Okay, I’m off to go shopping for candy and nicknacks for peeps in the States. Lemme know if u guys would like anything from across the pond. Tot ziens.