The problem with politicians...and celebrities

Hola peeps. Que tal? Yo? Muy bien. Que? Well, what can I say, I’m a happy sorta guy. I purchased my airline ticket to Nigeria yesterday and I made sure I bought a non-refundable one so I don’t change my mind. Ha huh ha huh Gonna contact y’all in the UK soon so we can have a li’l shindig. Pls feel free to bring gifts or if y’all are broke asses u can compose a poem about how empty ur lives would be without me. Ha huh ha huh

I was reading the paper yesterday when I discovered that a new reality show had premiered on TV. Honestly, I think reality show creators/producers/cast should be shot. The spate of reality shows suggests TV network executives might require electroshock treatment. However, hope is not lost. The concept of this new reality show is that aspiring politicians face a panel of current politicians – and there’s the clichéd Simon Cowell-wannabe who spews contrived disses – and the ‘winner’ (if that’s indeed the right term) gets to run as an independent for a chosen constituency in the forthcoming UK elections. Now, this is a reality show I’d love to be involved in. Not as a contestant, but as an assistant/aide to the panel of judges. I’d love to glean info on how one can have the appearance of walking upright even though one’s spine was surgically removed years after being elected to office. Here’s a joke that’ll elicit laughter anywhere in the world (OBTW I made up a few years ago while high on weed): What do u call an honest politician? An aberration.

Okay, maybe I’m painting everyone with the same brush here, but it’s my blog and …..I can rant if I want to, rant if I want to, rant if I want to. U’d rant too if it happened to u…. I actually believe only a few peeps get into politics to make a positive change. They do it ‘cos of power, and we all know how intoxicating power can be. How else can u explain tyrants remaining in power at the risk of losing their lives? It’s almost as if once u get a taste of power u keep craving for more like some reprobate junkie.

So what exactly triggered this tirade on politicians, u ask. Did my girlfriend dump me? Nah, don’t have a girlfriend yet - kinda waiting til after Feb 14th - but I have seen one or two potential future ex-girlfriends. Did someone ram into my car and the authorities fail to prosecute said individual? Well, it’d help if I’d a car in the first place, but I’m easy if y’all wanna chip in and buy me a replica of the Batmobile. If y’all must know the reason for this anger at politicians was an article I read about monies pledged by governments to alleviate sufferings of those affected by the Dec 26th tsunami. Surely the vast amounts promised to the affected countries shows that politicians can’t be all that bad, u say. Well, not technically: as it turns out if the donors decide not to fulfil their obligations there’s diddly squat Indonesia, Sri Lanka, etc. can do about it. Remember the earthquake in Bam, Iran last year? Well, it turns out $1bn in aid was pledged, but at present only $18m had been received. I know there are logistical difficulties in circumstances such as these, but this lack of commitment when TV cameras are turned away shows why some peeps don’t bother contributing to the electoral process.

In the past 2 days I’ve read articles about politicians:

1. more concerned about mementos than their jobs. Sen. Bill Frist telling a photographer to “Get some devastation in the back” while having his picture taken in one of the regions affected by the tsunami. Verdict: Bad.
2. more concerned about fame/money than what they were elected to do. MPs Dianne Abbott and Mike Portillo have lousy voting records in the House of Parliament, yet are regular TV talking heads…and get paid for this. Verdict: Bad.
3. making a mockery of democracy. The chairman of one of the major political parties in Nigeria recently resigned, amid rumours that he was forced to do so at gun point when invited to the presidential villa for a parley. Verdict (if allegations are proven true): Shame on u.
4. being greedy punks. A charity organisation reported that some vital aid (like water) for regions in India affected by the tsunami was being diverted by corrupt Indian politicians. Verdict: Huge shame on u.
5. doing what they are paid to do. Rep. John Conyers, etc objecting to discrepancies in the Ohio (swing state) vote count. Verdict: Ace. Answer me this: Did anyone see this widely reported in the news media?
6. having the guts to acknowledge they are fallible. Pres. Levy Mwanawasa of Zambia apologising for failing to tackle poverty. Verdict: At least this honesty is a starting point.

Wanna know what the trick to having a successful political career? Having the media on ur side to capture sound bites and conceal ur failings. The general hypocrisy of our elected leaders leaves me weary. They lie, they steal, they play on our insecurities and the sad thing is we let them get away with it. The ruling party provides perks, such as reduced taxes, in an election year and we end up re-electing them even though they did squat in previous years. One can’t really blame folk for voting them in again ‘cos, like in the case of England, there are no better alternatives.

Wanna know the major problem with politics? Political parties! If one’s party affiliation is in government one is instructed to toe the ‘official’ party line even when one doesn’t necessarily agree with it. This is done to create the false air of unity, a la Blair and Brown. If one’s party is in opposition then one’s instructed to toe the ‘official’ party line (by primarily besmirching the ruling party) even when it’s not justified.

So what would I do differently if I found myself contesting for the presidency of Nigeria? I’m glad u asked ‘cos I’ve given it a lot of thought….well, not really ‘cos I’ve been busy getting high, but I’m sure I could do better than half of the world leaders. So here are President Tunde’s tips on being an honest politician…and avoiding assassination squads….and avoiding a rebellion:

1. Honesty: B4 I embark on my campaign I’ll take out a full page ad in the Nigerian dailies and erect a billboard sign declaring all the nasty stuff I’ve ever done. That way my opponents cannot surprise me with squat. And yes, I’ll mention the time I was arrested by cops while trying to buy weed….and yes, I’ll also mention how in exchange for not arresting me they made me re-enact Marilyn Monroe’s “Happy birthday” song to JFK.
2. Trusting ur feelings: Wanna know what I learnt from the US election? I learnt that there’s a time and a place for election campaign advisers and presidential campaigns is not one of them. Peeps believe that Kerry lost potential voters ‘cos of the delay in debunking the Swift Boat Veterans’ lies. If an opponent accuses me of not performing my Boys Scout duties to the best of my abilities I’ll not relent in showing them proof of the rope burns I suffered. No one should be allowed to question my sacrifice for my country.
3. Clarity: Know ur electorate and give them answers or anecdotes they can identify with. Another mistake of Kerry was not getting his message across in as lucid a manner as possible. After Nigeria’s independence in 1960 I heard politicians of the time appealed to the voters by bloviating their way thru even the most simple of questions. This worked ‘cos as they mostly addressed a largely illiterate electorate it was assumed that the more verbose the speech the more fascinated the voters would be.
This cannot work in 21st century Nigeria. In our celebrity-obsessed times I’ll have to surround myself with foreign celebrities, even if I have to pay them. A typical exchange during a campaign stump could go a li’l something like this:

The Press: So Tunde, what do u think are the qualities required to be president and why should the average Nigerian vote for u?
Moi: Who asked that question? Was it u, the pretty lady who looks like Halle Berry? My, my, my. When I see Halle next week I’ll be sure to tell her that she has a doppelganger. Yeah, so in answer to ur question, I’ll say this. It takes a man of integrity to lead this great country of ours; it takes a man who can listen to the grievances of differing parties and achieve an amicable resolution. Who do u think resolved the beef between Jay-Z and Nas? Me, that’s who. Who do u think made Hillary Duff and Lindsay Lohan friends once more? Me, that’s who. In fact, while at Craig David’s 21st birthday party last week (yeah, I know it’s sad he’s still claiming to be 21 after all these years) P. Diddy introduced himself to me and said he wish he’da met me a few years back ‘cos he was sure I’da sorted out the Biggie – Tupac problem.

See how easy that was? Man, I am a genius. Okay before I go let me get serious for a minute, okay maybe 30 seconds. Pls, pls, pls try and give some funds to aid those affected by the tidal wave in SE Asia. However, if u’d rather do something closer to home u can also give to ur local charity for homeless, orphans, etc. It’s the right thing to do. Most satisfying thing about giving is that no one really has to know how much u gave. I mean I’m pleased Sandra Bullock ($1m) and Michael Schumacher ($10m) gave loads to the sufferers of the tsunami, but there wasn’t any need for me to know about it. Maybe they had their reasons for doing it, such as to encourage other celebrities to do the same, but the cynic in me thinks they did it for the exposure. It’s all good though. At least they are better than a British TV personality – for ‘TV personality’ read ‘TV slut’, i.e. someone who will do anything on TV for money such as hosting (and possibly appearing) in crap reality shows, doing commercials for tampons…..even though he’s a man!, etc. – who said, “I felt awful when I read about the devastation caused by the tsunami so I dug in and gave £3,000.” He gives only £3,000 and publicises that?! The guy deserves a thrashing…..in a public square……with kids throwing tomatoes at him.

I know, I know, I’d stop ranting. Off to the corner store to buy some milk. Maybe if the shopkeeper’s nice I’ll dig deep and ask him to keep the change. Tot ziens. God bless.