I wrote this song a long time ago, a real long time ago

Hola peeps.

Was gonna send this last Sunday (aka Valentine’s Day) but had to catch up on work. Besides, things haven’t been going swell with EJ and I lately. More on that later. Man, I feel so tired and lower back’s hurting again. Ran just over 13km today and went for kickboxing class 2 hrs after that. Plan was to get Aminaarghhh to run roughshod over my back, but she didn’t pick up her phone, so decided to try out her former employer’s spa. Big mistake.

The lady I was directed to seemed not to have “passed her freedom”, as we say in Nigeria. She looked like she moonlights as a masseuse while her main job is teaching infants. You could tell she was stressed as well at the way she directed at choler at me as soon as I laid down on the massage table. At some point she punched me in the arm severally under the guise of relaxing my muscles. After the massage – which lasted just over 35 mins instead of the obligatory hour – she asked if I wanted to shower to get the oil off. I declined and told her I’d do so at home since my house was not far away. Like the true teacher she is, she proceeded to ignore what I said and started wiping me down with a towel. I coulda sworn I was back in kindergarten. When Aminaaarghhh returned my call later she informed me she was on leave. Trust me, if she wasn’t I woulda driven to her for a real massage. After she worked on me two weeks ago, I slept so well that night I woke up in a child’s pose sucking on my right thumb.

 

Okay, so back to EJ. I didn’t sleep too well last night as kept tossing and turning over how sad I am making EJ. Worst of all, I don’t know how to rectify the situation ‘cos in classic Tunde style I let my mouth utter what I couldn’t defend. I foolishly chose eve of Val’s day to request a break from talking, as lately our calls have been more rote than anything. I seem to make her angry every other call so requested some time away to get my thoughts together. She’s perfect, there’s nothing really wrong with her, just that I feel I have had to walk on eggshells lately to avoid pissing her off, and not comfy with that. How much time is enough for me though? I had to make it less than a week ‘cos if my precedents are anything to go by, after a week of silence it’s never the same and things come tumbling down soon after. Called her on the 15^th and told her how I felt her actions had hurt me. She apologized for being “extra” and provided some sorta background as to why she reacted the way she did. Told y’all she was perfect, didn’t I?

 

What I didn’t tell her was how during the two days of silence I had convinced myself the relationship was over. Expressed the same to therapist as felt I couldn’t go through being blamed again for stuff that’s not directly my fault. He said it’s good that EJ actually acknowledged what had compelled her unusual response. Still, there remains an obvious schism between us. She’s noticed it and so have I. During the week she asked if I was still mad at her and told her I wasn’t, that workload was insane – six of my staff tested positive for Covid, so had to pile on more tasks – and still needed to get stuff off my chest. Those fateful words, get stuff off my chest, landed me in my current predicament ‘cos that wasn’t what I actually wanted to say, but now EJ expects me to say the stuff that’s been bothering me ‘cos she “feels like she’s in limbo” and now I am all worked up ‘cos she’s sad.

 

During end of last therapy session when I talked about what I can’t really remember now, the clinical psychologist suggested we do some relaxation exercises after I mentioned stressful workload. He asked me to only listen to the sound of his voice and picture myself in a house on the beach wearing white shorts and a white shirt and….while he was talking my mind went immediately to fancy hotel I stayed in in Mombasa in December 2019 and the view of the ocean from the balcony. Was so relaxed I heard the beginnings of a snore before I startled myself awake. If only I could get him to teach Aminaarghhh that technique without the pain she applies, I would be a happy bunny.

 

Anyhoo, homework from last week’s session is to talk to EJ about if/how we could make a marriage work with the distance between us. It was a carry-over from two weeks ago, but ‘cos we were also arguing then I couldn’t get the right time to talk to her about it. Can’t remember for sure but think we fell out when I mistook what she said for taking the piss, as I had answered a question she had asked repeatedly. Finally, I blurted out, “am I speaking Greek?!” She was taken aback and rightly so ‘cos it wasn’t her fault. It was just crap Juba internet connection. Initially, I stood my ground and thought I was justified since it wasn’t exactly my fault either, but I apologized and later sent a WhatsApp message further asking her to forgive my outburst. Her response? “Even if I was taking the piss, your response came across as if you were speaking to a stupid child…let’s not do that again, it’s not our thing” Damn, who feels like a blockhead now? She really deserves better. Honestly, if she came up to me and said she wanted to date someone else I wouldn’t object. Drats, I’da just left her when she said she’d only date me if we were headed towards marriage and kid(s). At least then her Valentine’s day wouldn’t have been ruined. Sad thang is the gift package I had delivered was tight. I really researched that stuff.

 

What I didn’t research was how much effort the calisthenics class would take. Damn, it’s redolent of the first time I tried yoga, have never sweated so much in my life. So far, I have had 7 classes till date, and I’d like to say I am getting the hang (geddit?) of things, but I am also reinforcing how stiff my hips are. Kickboxing didn’t resolve it and it appears it’s gonna be the same with calisthenics. Recall I messed up my left hip during a footie tourney back when I worked in PH, but now it’s right hip that appears to cause more pain when I extend it. Nevertheless, I have pushed on like a trooper and like a newbie to every sport I have taken on buying all the latest gear, like exercise rings, parallettes, and a tripod to hold phone so the trainer could monitor my technique. Couldn’t find a tripod in Juba and when I requested a friend in Kenya get one for me, she laughed and asked if I wanted to started a beauty vlog. Now wouldn’t that be a trip. That said, two Thursdays ago, i.e., after 3^rd class, was so chuffed I was able to execute a hanging knee tuck flip I recorded myself and sent videos to everyone I know. Maybe I really should start a vlog.

 

I paid for 16 calisthenics classes and although it’s killing me, I feel I am gonna sign up for more. Can’t say the same for therapy sessions though. This Wednesday is last of 5 classes and dude’s requested EJ join us. So, if I can’t resolve issues with her before then, i.e., figure out the right words to finally extinguish our current cavils, I hope the final session helps with that. The therapist is cool and all so doubt it would be weird informing him I don’t wanna continue with our sessions. Always wondered how entertainers cut off their entourages when they stop being hot and can no longer afford to cater for them. Man, such footage would definitely be featured on my vlog. Hmm, starting to warm up to this vlog idea. How else to show off my Turveydropian deportment to the office on weekdays? Folk in Juba just don’t get it. Some guy referred to me as a musician when I first moved here.

 

What won’t feature on vlog are FaceTime calls with my daughter. They are still meh, and last week the ex had to scold her to call me back after she cut off the call ‘cos she was bored. It hurt big time I won’t lie, but didn’t let it show, and let her go through the motions for a few more minutes before I gave her permission to end the call. During my run this morning I considered not calling her, but the better side of my agathokakological nature (when it comes to her) prevailed. I need to remind myself she’s just a kid and they get bored easily at this age. After shrink directed me to read about cognitive development in children during our first session, I ended up surfing sites like 50 things to know about 9 year old girls . That kept me going for a while, but I am sure I will soon move on, like time when she was born and I signed up for a newsletter that updates parents on behaviours to expect from month to month as the baby develops. I must learn to roll with the punches when it comes to her.

 

She really has me, you know? Recall last blog entry when I said she requested for a VR birthday present? Though I tried to play it all nonchalant, I must admit that after I got off the call with her I did a quick mental juggle of my network to see if there’s anyone I knew with video game design expertise. One of the reasons I signed up for the calisthenics class, and probably why I am gonna see it through, is to be able to execute a human flag when next we hang (geddit now?! Bah, I give up) so I can become Daddy of The Year. Who am I kidding? She’ll probably say I’m embarrassing her when I try to hang off the drive-through window while ordering her a meal at McDonald’s.

 

Soooooo, what have y’all been up to since my last post? The Kansas City Chiefs suckkkkked big time and made me regret staying awake for the Superbowl. I had ordered isi ewu a full 2 days before the game from a Naija restaurant, and the owner was so full of promises before the day but failed to respond to my calls. That delicacy woulda at least made my night worthwhile as I woulda been pooping – yup, it always sends me to the loo within an hour of consuming it – instead of watching the crap game.

 

Speaking of poop – c’mon you guys knew this was coming – I made the mistake of complaining about pressure in bidet hose so many times the plumber made sure he would show me. The dude provided a new hose with such high pressure it has the propensity to force poop back up arse if one isn’t careful. The first day I used it I wasn’t prepared, so after first blast I hurried out of bathroom ‘cos I had an appointment. Quickly wiped bum with bog roll and when I returned an hour later, I noticed brown goop on floor of bathroom. Kept trying to think if I had eaten chocolate while in the bathroom earlier in the day. Then, I looked up at the ceiling and discovered the blast from bidet hose had sent poop everywhere, so started hunting for stains with a magnifying glass before Sandra the cleaning lady could find them and lose all respect for me. Woke up few weeks ago to the sound of what I thought was rainfall and was already doing a jig at this ready excuse not to go running……until I walked into the bathroom and found it flooded. The bidet hose finally burst and was replaced by one from before. I have learnt to no longer complain about the low bidet hose pressure.

 

Well, returned from work last week and discovered Sandra had washed both my sneakers, so was forced to wait for them to dry and run on consecutive days instead of a day apart, in order to keep up with weekly exercise schedule. Boy, I miss Harriet. She knew me so well. She’s still at apartment complex but has been assigned to other rooms. Now and then we steal glances at each other from across the verandah and reminisce on the good times we had. Man, I am getting emotional. Time to go record do a tearful confessional for my vlog.

Tot ziens and God bless.