It’s not the heat, it’s the humility
Hola peeps.
Man, I am soooo bored. Tuesday’s a public holiday here and I’da made it a long weekend by taking Monday off and visiting Kampala or Kigali. Had to take a cab to kickboxing class today ‘cos car’s in the garage after someone ran into it earlier in the week. Initially decided to avoid making it a police case as the lady begged we should resolve it ourselves. My colleague took her to the garage and a price was agreed. Once we insisted she also pay for cabs to take us around while car’s getting fixed, she stopped picking up our calls. Good thang’s Juba’s small ‘cos bumped into her at the bank after 2 days and at first she tried to deny she was responsible, claiming a case of mistaken identity, but she eventually agreed after we took her to the police. Man, hard trusting peeps, huh?
Forgot to mention last time I was in Kampala I attended David’s son’s friend’s 7th birthday party – in between poops so bad I felt CSI Uganda woulda been required to reconstruct my death scene from poop splatter - and struck up a conversation with a single mom while watching Nigeria defeat Cameroon in footie. Her ex-partner’s Cameroonian and after the match I thought it wouldn’t be so bad to have a new friend in Kampala ‘cos she was interesting to talk to; plus, she was one of those chicks that’s always smiling. You know the ones. However, this Smiley was more out there: if her smile was an emoji it’d be ALL smiley emojis. Decided not to request her number ‘cos….not sure why now that I think of it, but that’s not the point. The point is exactly 3 weeks to the date of our meeting she just came up in my head. Carrying on theme from last blog entry, if someone I felt somewhat intrigued by only popped into my head after 3 weeks then maybe my current non-relationship stance is good for all concerned.
So what else is new? I skipped out on running this morning ‘cos I’m psyching myself for 30km run planned for Tuesday morning. Yup, that’s my exciting Juba life. Going running before church tomorrow morning and meeting up a mate for lunch after kickboxing class. Before lunch though I’d have weekly FaceTime call with daughter. She was on holiday in Cyprus when we spoke last week and good thing her mom’s British, else she wouldn’t be able to hop off to a Mediterranean island as easily. Man, being a Nigerian passport holder is akin to visa kryptonite nowadays. Already told you off my cancelled Zanzibar trip last year ‘cos of new visa requirements for Nigerian passport holders, well, add Vietnam to that list.
Never been to Asia before so when a mate’s company posted him from Aberdeen to Ho Chi Minh City I thought that presented a perfect opportunity. Already pictured myself posing for selfies, a la time in Russia, ‘cos dude said he stands out as a black guy. Got travel agent to secure flights from Heathrow after rearranging GP and dentist appointments to suit travel. My abs-sense (Geddit? Spiderman has his spidey sense and I have my….just forget about it) started tingling when online visa application sites didn’t have Nigeria on their drop-down list of countries. Coincidentally, a mate in Nigeria was planning to do a tour of three Asian countries with his girlfriend and Vietnam was one of them. Dude told me embassy staff in Abuja informed him they no longer offer tourist visas to Nigerians. U what?! I tried a workaround with mate in Vietnam and dude was told the same thang. Dayummm. Too late to apply for a Schengen visa from Kampala so guess I am gonna spend all 2 weeks of my UK trip within the UK.
Man, I am soooo bored. Tuesday’s a public holiday here and I’da made it a long weekend by taking Monday off and visiting Kampala or Kigali. Had to take a cab to kickboxing class today ‘cos car’s in the garage after someone ran into it earlier in the week. Initially decided to avoid making it a police case as the lady begged we should resolve it ourselves. My colleague took her to the garage and a price was agreed. Once we insisted she also pay for cabs to take us around while car’s getting fixed, she stopped picking up our calls. Good thang’s Juba’s small ‘cos bumped into her at the bank after 2 days and at first she tried to deny she was responsible, claiming a case of mistaken identity, but she eventually agreed after we took her to the police. Man, hard trusting peeps, huh?
Forgot to mention last time I was in Kampala I attended David’s son’s friend’s 7th birthday party – in between poops so bad I felt CSI Uganda woulda been required to reconstruct my death scene from poop splatter - and struck up a conversation with a single mom while watching Nigeria defeat Cameroon in footie. Her ex-partner’s Cameroonian and after the match I thought it wouldn’t be so bad to have a new friend in Kampala ‘cos she was interesting to talk to; plus, she was one of those chicks that’s always smiling. You know the ones. However, this Smiley was more out there: if her smile was an emoji it’d be ALL smiley emojis. Decided not to request her number ‘cos….not sure why now that I think of it, but that’s not the point. The point is exactly 3 weeks to the date of our meeting she just came up in my head. Carrying on theme from last blog entry, if someone I felt somewhat intrigued by only popped into my head after 3 weeks then maybe my current non-relationship stance is good for all concerned.
So what else is new? I skipped out on running this morning ‘cos I’m psyching myself for 30km run planned for Tuesday morning. Yup, that’s my exciting Juba life. Going running before church tomorrow morning and meeting up a mate for lunch after kickboxing class. Before lunch though I’d have weekly FaceTime call with daughter. She was on holiday in Cyprus when we spoke last week and good thing her mom’s British, else she wouldn’t be able to hop off to a Mediterranean island as easily. Man, being a Nigerian passport holder is akin to visa kryptonite nowadays. Already told you off my cancelled Zanzibar trip last year ‘cos of new visa requirements for Nigerian passport holders, well, add Vietnam to that list.
Never been to Asia before so when a mate’s company posted him from Aberdeen to Ho Chi Minh City I thought that presented a perfect opportunity. Already pictured myself posing for selfies, a la time in Russia, ‘cos dude said he stands out as a black guy. Got travel agent to secure flights from Heathrow after rearranging GP and dentist appointments to suit travel. My abs-sense (Geddit? Spiderman has his spidey sense and I have my….just forget about it) started tingling when online visa application sites didn’t have Nigeria on their drop-down list of countries. Coincidentally, a mate in Nigeria was planning to do a tour of three Asian countries with his girlfriend and Vietnam was one of them. Dude told me embassy staff in Abuja informed him they no longer offer tourist visas to Nigerians. U what?! I tried a workaround with mate in Vietnam and dude was told the same thang. Dayummm. Too late to apply for a Schengen visa from Kampala so guess I am gonna spend all 2 weeks of my UK trip within the UK.
Looking to travel outta London this time as Chief plans to be in
the UK same time I am there. Dude only left for Nigeria yesterday and is
returning on the 8th for more medical appointments. Man, dude’s
really “enjoyed” his London crib this year. Reminds me of time I made sure
to use all 5 loos in Lagos crib ‘cos felt I hadn’t enjoyed the rent I was
paying, as house was mostly empty ‘cos I worked in Port Harcourt. Chief’s
projected to spend 3/4s of this year in the UK. Woah. He probably needed the
break from the stress in Nigeria. But then he passes on his stress to his kids
in the UK. I am sure Nike musta been relieved once Chief and momsy got on the
plane last night.
Forget to tell y’all what occurred on eve of departure from the UK last April. Got in past midnight ‘cos went to catch a movie in the West End. Found numerous missed calls when I turned on phone from mom and Chief wondering where I was as “you know London’s not safe at night”. I really wish I was joking. I am a 42-year old expat in putative “unsafe” South Sudan and my folks are worried about guys on mopeds in London?! Out of sight out of mind, I suppose. Now you see why I gotta find somewhere to go ‘cos 2 straight weeks with Chief in the same crib might become a li’l, erm, constraining. If it ain’t discussions about status of my investments, then it would center on my love life. Oh oh oh, cannot believe I failed to tell you guys this…..
2 months ago I get a photo on WhatsApp from my sis Nike and behold, it’s a pic of her with an ex. Not the one mentioned in last blog entry, but the one before that one. She’s the first gf I had when I returned to Nigeria in 2005 and second girl I ever fell in love with. How/why/where did Nike see her? Turns out of all the Sunday services in all the churches in London she chose to visit Nike’s church that day, even though she’s normally based in Nigeria. Harmless coincidence, huh? Well, not according to my folks. Mom was visiting Kemi in the US at the time and Kemi informed me mom took it as a sign from God and asked her to join in prayer that ex and I would end up together. Naturally, Kemi ignored her – Nike woulda acquiesced – and we both laughed at it. Some background is necessary here to put things in perspective, but before that here are some snippets from mom’s time with Kemi.
1. Mom (picking up the phone): “Hello, my holy sister in the Lord...”
Forget to tell y’all what occurred on eve of departure from the UK last April. Got in past midnight ‘cos went to catch a movie in the West End. Found numerous missed calls when I turned on phone from mom and Chief wondering where I was as “you know London’s not safe at night”. I really wish I was joking. I am a 42-year old expat in putative “unsafe” South Sudan and my folks are worried about guys on mopeds in London?! Out of sight out of mind, I suppose. Now you see why I gotta find somewhere to go ‘cos 2 straight weeks with Chief in the same crib might become a li’l, erm, constraining. If it ain’t discussions about status of my investments, then it would center on my love life. Oh oh oh, cannot believe I failed to tell you guys this…..
2 months ago I get a photo on WhatsApp from my sis Nike and behold, it’s a pic of her with an ex. Not the one mentioned in last blog entry, but the one before that one. She’s the first gf I had when I returned to Nigeria in 2005 and second girl I ever fell in love with. How/why/where did Nike see her? Turns out of all the Sunday services in all the churches in London she chose to visit Nike’s church that day, even though she’s normally based in Nigeria. Harmless coincidence, huh? Well, not according to my folks. Mom was visiting Kemi in the US at the time and Kemi informed me mom took it as a sign from God and asked her to join in prayer that ex and I would end up together. Naturally, Kemi ignored her – Nike woulda acquiesced – and we both laughed at it. Some background is necessary here to put things in perspective, but before that here are some snippets from mom’s time with Kemi.
1. Mom (picking up the phone): “Hello, my holy sister in the Lord...”
2. Aunt to mom: “Mama Nike, you are looking very good.”
Mom: “Thanks so much my sister. It’s ‘cos I drink the blood of Jesus daily”.
So here’s the background: Chief really liked this ex ‘cos he knew her father. He also knew the father of ex I discussed in last blog entry, but…okay maybe he liked any girl that he thought would encourage me to get married. Mom was meh ‘cos she’s generally that way. An uncle once told me that the first time he introduced his fiancée to her, mom pointed her to the bathroom and said, “Nice to meet you, I have some clothes soaking in that bucket. Go wash them.” You know how in Hollywood action movies the instructor would refuse to take on the student until he/she had shown their commitment by undertaking a series of my humiliating tasks? My mother was the inspiration behind those scripts. First time this ex met mom her response was, “why doesn’t your mom smile?” I discovered another reason mom didn’t take to her was ‘cos she was a Muslim. Wasn’t a big deal to me, but it was to mom. Perhaps she could tell the relationship was serious as she was the first girl I ever brought home, and she didn’t want me to marry a Muslim. I didn’t quite give a hoot ‘cos as y’all know my mom and I have never been that close. I reckon I stopped being the apple of her eye somewhere between the ages of 13 and 16, the same period when she went from “sweet mother” in my eyes to a virago.
A few weeks later I open my Bible, and I have to stress again that it was MY Bible, and saw mom – ‘cos no one else is that petty and headstrong – had highlighted 2 Corinthians 6:14 which states, What fellowship does light have with darkness? Now you can begin to understand why my relationship with mom has always been strained. Who in their sane mind would do this?! White supremacists have been known to use that Bible passage as support for racism and my mom used same to passive-aggressively warn her only son off his girlfriend. You can’t make this stuff up.
A few relationships later, Tunde gets married, then divorced, and mom starts to get antsy and aggressive-aggressively tells Tunde he should get married again, and even goes so far as to suggest he gets back with his ex-wife. Tunde of course makes a joke out of it and in not-so-subtle terms tells her it’d be better for their ethereal relationship if she no longer broaches the subject. As is her norm, she finds a way around doing what I had advised her against by getting Chief/relatives/neighbours/airline staff to do it in her stead, all to no avail. Now what do you think was going through her mind that morning when Nike calls to tell her Tunde’s Muslim ex is now a committed Christian and…wait for it….is also single? God sure does have a great sense of humour. Mom slyly mentioned it a few days after Nike informed her. “Did Nike tell you she saw your ex? I hear she’s now on fire for the Lord.” I ignore her. Few weeks later, Chief returned to the UK and it was his turn to try. “When was the last time you spoke to your ex? I hear she still ain’t married. I hear she won’t mind considering marriage, but you’re the one that’s holding out…” He stopped prodding when he got no response from me, but I am sure he’s crafting a new plan for 2 weeks we are gonna spend together.
Mom: “Thanks so much my sister. It’s ‘cos I drink the blood of Jesus daily”.
So here’s the background: Chief really liked this ex ‘cos he knew her father. He also knew the father of ex I discussed in last blog entry, but…okay maybe he liked any girl that he thought would encourage me to get married. Mom was meh ‘cos she’s generally that way. An uncle once told me that the first time he introduced his fiancée to her, mom pointed her to the bathroom and said, “Nice to meet you, I have some clothes soaking in that bucket. Go wash them.” You know how in Hollywood action movies the instructor would refuse to take on the student until he/she had shown their commitment by undertaking a series of my humiliating tasks? My mother was the inspiration behind those scripts. First time this ex met mom her response was, “why doesn’t your mom smile?” I discovered another reason mom didn’t take to her was ‘cos she was a Muslim. Wasn’t a big deal to me, but it was to mom. Perhaps she could tell the relationship was serious as she was the first girl I ever brought home, and she didn’t want me to marry a Muslim. I didn’t quite give a hoot ‘cos as y’all know my mom and I have never been that close. I reckon I stopped being the apple of her eye somewhere between the ages of 13 and 16, the same period when she went from “sweet mother” in my eyes to a virago.
A few weeks later I open my Bible, and I have to stress again that it was MY Bible, and saw mom – ‘cos no one else is that petty and headstrong – had highlighted 2 Corinthians 6:14 which states, What fellowship does light have with darkness? Now you can begin to understand why my relationship with mom has always been strained. Who in their sane mind would do this?! White supremacists have been known to use that Bible passage as support for racism and my mom used same to passive-aggressively warn her only son off his girlfriend. You can’t make this stuff up.
A few relationships later, Tunde gets married, then divorced, and mom starts to get antsy and aggressive-aggressively tells Tunde he should get married again, and even goes so far as to suggest he gets back with his ex-wife. Tunde of course makes a joke out of it and in not-so-subtle terms tells her it’d be better for their ethereal relationship if she no longer broaches the subject. As is her norm, she finds a way around doing what I had advised her against by getting Chief/relatives/neighbours/airline staff to do it in her stead, all to no avail. Now what do you think was going through her mind that morning when Nike calls to tell her Tunde’s Muslim ex is now a committed Christian and…wait for it….is also single? God sure does have a great sense of humour. Mom slyly mentioned it a few days after Nike informed her. “Did Nike tell you she saw your ex? I hear she’s now on fire for the Lord.” I ignore her. Few weeks later, Chief returned to the UK and it was his turn to try. “When was the last time you spoke to your ex? I hear she still ain’t married. I hear she won’t mind considering marriage, but you’re the one that’s holding out…” He stopped prodding when he got no response from me, but I am sure he’s crafting a new plan for 2 weeks we are gonna spend together.
Might distract him from my love life if I take him along to see Hamilton. Loved it when I saw it earlier this year and wanna see it again.
Not sure it’s Chief’s thang though. Wait, I vaguely remember him taking us to
see CATS as kids, so maybe it’s his thang after all. Might also take nephew
Zane as he’s just completed his GCSEs and the play could be a good opportunity
for us to bond. Man, I recall the day Zane was born and times I babysat him.
Also fondly recall the first time I took him out for the day as a 4-year old.
Now he’s 16 years old on the verge of attending university. Speaking of, my
other nephew Jordan graduated from college on Friday. Met Jordan as a 3-year
old during my first trip to the US and he’s now a man. God’s amazing, isn’t He?
In a few years it's gonna be my daughter graduating from uni and I'll be wondering how time went by so fast. Our FaceTime sessions have increased in length after much prayer and fasting on my part. Developed a thang where I give her a word for the week and ask her to recall word and its meaning during subsequent calls. Dunno if it's fun for her but it is for me, as it has helped stretch out our weekly calls. Cannot wait to see her in 3 weeks and I have already decided to buy her a dictionary and highlight all the words for the week we've come up with in the past 3 months. Hold up, it would be her dictionary, right? Does that mean in a few years my daughter could blog about my invasiveness for choosing to emphasize words in a gift I got her? Damn, I have become my mother. No, no, I have not. I am being invidious when I tell y'all this is totally different, ain't I? But my intentions are good and....bet my mom thought same when she pulled out her yellow highlighter while flipping through the New Testament. Wait, I need to consider this some more.
Tot ziens and God bless.
In a few years it's gonna be my daughter graduating from uni and I'll be wondering how time went by so fast. Our FaceTime sessions have increased in length after much prayer and fasting on my part. Developed a thang where I give her a word for the week and ask her to recall word and its meaning during subsequent calls. Dunno if it's fun for her but it is for me, as it has helped stretch out our weekly calls. Cannot wait to see her in 3 weeks and I have already decided to buy her a dictionary and highlight all the words for the week we've come up with in the past 3 months. Hold up, it would be her dictionary, right? Does that mean in a few years my daughter could blog about my invasiveness for choosing to emphasize words in a gift I got her? Damn, I have become my mother. No, no, I have not. I am being invidious when I tell y'all this is totally different, ain't I? But my intentions are good and....bet my mom thought same when she pulled out her yellow highlighter while flipping through the New Testament. Wait, I need to consider this some more.
Tot ziens and God bless.
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