Trying for world peace so much I now get why I have a thing for beauty pageant contestants

Hola peeps.

On a Kenya Airways (KQ) flight from Nairobi to Lagos and the movie on display? The Blind Side. Really, KQ? This is the best you can do? To make matters worse it is one of those older planes where one must crane their neck to get a glimpse of the central monitor. Boo KQ boo. By the way what is it about airplanes that makes folk sleep with their mouths agape? Weird how I haven’t noticed this on any other means of transportation. You know how they say picture your audience naked if you wanna make a speech, well what other more embarrassing way can there be than to picture them drooling?

Transited through Nairobi from Juba and was put up at the Crowne Plaza hotel which is always good. Problem was had to wait for over an hour at the airport before a taxi was provided. Reason being the cab company KQ have an agreement with had all their cabs stuck in traffic on way back to airport. Excellent planning, huh? Could not rant at lady behind the desk ‘cos I knew it wasn’t her fault plus she was pregnant. Spent my time at airport weighing the cons and cons between KQ and Ethi0pian Airlines until….she walked in.

She in question turned out to be a Latina cougar that took my breath away. Picture an older Salma Hayek but with a mole above the right side of her mouth. So, if you are following me that’s a cross between Salma and Cindy Crawford. Plus, she had a light gravelly tone in her voice a la 80s hottie Kathleen Turner. While picking jaw off the floor I discovered she had come in on a later flight and we’d be sharing a cab to the same hotel. I could not contain my joy. So what if she’s almost old enough to be my mother, she’s Cindy K. Hayek for goodness sake!

Got into the cab, fought the driver off so I could place her tiny carry-on in the trunk of the car. Held open the back door for her and sat in front with the driver so she wouldn’t notice my sweaty palms. Punk driver had his radio tuned to sports radio instead of a station playing slow jams. No way he was getting a tip now. Heard her speak Spanish on the phone and desperately tried to remember something, anything from 12 weeks of Spanish class I took back in 2001. Instead all that came into head was Juba Arabic. Mierda.

Got to hotel, checked into room and went down to restaurant. Ordered a meal and Ms. Hayek was not down yet so decided to go get phone from room while food was being prepared. Got to elevator and Ms. Hayek walks out. She asks if I have eaten already and I mumble something about going up to room and…. anyways I then notice her teeth have the slight smoky brown hue of Salma Hayek’s. Oh, be still my thumping heart.

Return to restaurant and while plotting to find a not-so-obvious path to Ms. Hayek’s table an acquaintance from Juba walks in. Haven’t seen this dude in over 5 months and of all places to see him it’s Nairobi?! In the same hotel with my newest crush?! Aarrrgghh. Tried to avoid eye contact but he caught me and suggested we share a table. No harm done, I could still ask Ms. Hayek to join us and use the dude as an unknowing wing man. Just then his phone rings and he starts speaking Spanish! U what?! The dude is from the DRC and I knew he spoke French, but Spanish too?! No way I am bring MY Latina cougar to the table now. No way she’s gonna be more impressed with him than moi. Turns out she has some mates over for dinner as well. I tried to make eye contact with her across the restaurant. No dice.

Stomped up to room sad until I remembered I had requested the cab driver pick me up an hour later than recommended so I’d be able to ride with Ms. Hayek to the airport – her flight to Sierra Leone is an hour later than mine. It would be cutting my boarding time extremely close, especially if there’s traffic, but despite his protestations I explained to cab driver that it wouldn’t make sense for him to pick me up to airport only to return to hotel again to pick up Ms. Hayek. Was able to convince him I was only suggesting this 2-for-1 pickup for his convenience. He thanked me profusely.  Slick Tunde, always knew you had it in you. Got only 2 hours sleep as pernoctated listening to Despacito hoping to pick up some chat up lines and clicking on Google search results for How to learn enough Spanish to impress an older, sophisticated Latina.

Walked outta room at 440am and heard some noise a few doors from mine. Turns out Ms. Hayek and I were only two rooms apart. Held open the elevator and made sure she checked out first. Arrived at airport and since I had been through JKIA too many times to count I was able to guide her through the initial security check, then a shortcut through the second, and finally, the third. Passed through Duty Free and she stopped to have a look around. Brought out wallet ready to buy out entire store, but she said the perfume she wanted would probably be cheaper on the plane. Sophisticated and prudent, what more could a guy ask for?

As we walked to the lounge she introduced herself and I discovered she’s Cuban. Bueno. She’s going to Sierra Leone for work. Trabajo? Bueno. As we sat at the lounge and told her what I did she sounded impressed and suggested I was a jefe making loadsa dinero. I blushed. Then I enquired more about her and discovered she’s married and…mierda. Stopped listening to anything else she said but kept imagining what our life together coulda been like. A Spanish version of The Notebook, maybe? Sure, in this case she’s much older and I would have to hire someone to tell her the story of how we met ‘cos I’d still be agile and working full time as she was being looked after in a care home, but it would still be romantic either way. Was startled outta daydream when she handed me her What’s App number and suggested we’d only communicate in Spanish. Forgot to mention I had, ahem, sorta slyly mentioned my 12 weeks of Spanish classes and used the word “despacio” – thank you Justin Bieber - when she had some trouble trying to explain something to me in English. Slick Tunde, always knew you had it in you. Left her at the lounge as my flight departed before hers. Requested the flight attendants not bother me and knocked off trying to make up for lack of sleep from last night. Things we do for love, eh?

About an hour left of flight time and went to restroom to wash face. Noticed beard I shaved off exactly nine days ago had fully covered face. I knew my facial hair grew fast, but hadn’t the foggiest I was the Wolverine of facial hair. Wound on right palm’s almost fully healed too. Should aid in HIIT exercises when I get to Lagos. Not gonna slack off like I did during UK vacation in August. By the time I attempted first HIIT session in 5 weeks I thought I was having a heart attack. No mas.

There must be something written across forehead in invisible ink ‘cos at Juba airport yesterday some stranger came up to ask me if I was heading to Cairo ‘cos she wanted to hand me stuff to give to someone, like what happened in Addis Ababa two months ago. Fast forward to this morning, while waiting on Ms. Hayek to get through first screening some Mama Ji in a sari asked me for the location of the restroom in Hindi! How did she know I had spent a vast part of my childhood reared on Bollywood movies? Pointed her in the right direction then she asked me to watch her bags while she went on to do her business. I really wish I was making this up.

Back to Juba, the “things are tough” guy clocked me again and went through his merry song. Tried a different tactic this time by asking if I wanted to use the VIP departure lounge. Declined his offer and gave him what he wanted before he could continue his spiel. Soon as he got the money he walked away and when I saw him later under the tent, aka the non-VIP departure lounge, he blanked me. Come to think of it, he always does that! Once he gets money off me he pretends not to see me anymore and I suppose goes looking for another prey. Obtw I only discovered his name – Abraham – when I walked off a flight in September and he was at the foot of the airplane to pick up a Zol Kabir. Dude pretended as if he didn’t know me while the big kahuna called out his name and handed him his hand luggage to carry. Oh Abraham, this is the last time I fall for your tricks again.

Looking forward to Lagos I won’t lie. Things were so bad I coulda sworn someone was frying plantains in their hotel room last night. Already developed a food rota for week-long stay in Lagos and gonna catch up on movies in the cinema as soon as I drop off bags at home. Gonna miss my Juba apartment, but surely not gonna miss other parts of it. Ever tell you about birds that perch outside window sill of bedroom? Without fail they start screeching at 06:30:14hrs on weekdays. Seems they take weekends off though. They must also work on Daylight Savings Time as since the clocks went back an hour in the UK I haven’t heard a squeal. Strangely, I have noticed for the past two weeks same bird or its spooky cousin trails me to work and chirps at 12:06pm E-V-E-R-Y-D-A-Y.

Pilot just announced plane is landing in ten minutes so I gotta wrap this up. Plan to see family tomorrow as rest of the week I am gonna be busy with work and medical appointments. As usual the female members of family have requested sheabutter from Juba. Not sure if they really like it as they profess or ‘cos they are getting it gratis. Gonna start treating them like Abraham now. If they want Juba sheabutter they gotta cough up the $6 a tub it cost me. Since they are family I won’t charge them for freight. Oh, almost forgot, I’ll need to schedule a bespoke suit fitting during this week as well. A bro’s gotta look sharp for my trip to Sierra Leone…. once I discover when next Ms. Hayek’s gonna be there. Bueno.

Tot ziens and God bless.