The Fresh Prince of Juba and the £50 note

Hola peeps.

Just returned from Kampala to find a note from cleaning lady reminding me to buy sugar as “we had run out”. Yup, we. After 6 months of investigating I have now determined she must be the culprit behind my missing fancy biscuits. Opened fridge to discover onions and salt in a bag. I may have been iffy in the past about whether I ate biscuits and forgot about it, but since I don’t cook I am sure stuff in refrigerator ain’t mine. It appears I am sharing biscuits, bottled water and use of fridge with cleaning lady. Wait, discovered cap of miniature shower gel was opened too. Yup, add shower gel nicked from Nairobi hotel as other stuff I’m unknowingly sharing with cleaning lady. People sure do take the piss. Another case in point was dude I got a t-shirt from the UK. Dude sees me after picking it up from his colleague and didn’t say thanks, instead he provided a screed on how tee was not a snug fit and wanted to know if I also bought shoes for him. Gobsmacked does not quite describe my expression.

Can’t say I blame cleaning lady though since I have hardly spent considerable time in my apartment in the past few months. Returned from Lagos-UK-US-UK-Lagos-Addis trip last Monday with emetic feelings at the thought of boarding another flight. If I hadn’t bought plane ticket to Uganda weeks before for David’s 40^th birthday soiree I would not have travelled to Kampala three days after my return to Juba. I was beat, man. I know the UK ain’t exactly a “vacation” spot due to family and friends I gotta meet up with but this was the most tired I have ever been from a trip. Most likely had to do with time spent at airports and planes within a brief time span. On one occasion, it was not until the US immigration officer asked why I was visiting the US for only 2 days, well 1.5 days if we are being accurate, that the folly of my actions to seek a break away from the UK dawned on me. Before you cast aspersions on me for tony flights (pun intended) of fancy just know I never intend to do such again. Travel stops being fun when all one sees are airports and run-of-the-mill hotels.

Finally put money where mouth is by taking Ethiopian Airlines on last trip from Lagos to Juba. Could no longer hand money to Kenya Airways in good conscience after previous trip to Juba was delayed for over 15 hours due to staff shortage. The in-flight experience on Ethiopian Airlines was better as evinced by the extra legroom and modern movies on offer. Once I landed at Addis Ababa though I was not impressed by the airport and having to wait 30 minutes for an airport shuttle did not brighten my mood. If I thought the Juba airport “things are tough” guy was a one-off the Hilton Hotel liaison guy at the Bole international airport at Addis proved me wrong. After commenting on my wooden wrist watch, he showed me his watch and overtly mentioned it was provided by a Chinese client of his. Once the interminable wait for the airport shuttle was over he insisted on walking me to the vehicle just so he could remind me to get him a wooden watch on my next trip through Addis.

One thing Addis has going for it was is the lack of traffic from airport to hotel which is usually not the case in Nairobi. However, the hotels and general hospitality in Nairobi are several notches ahead. Got to the Hilton and was surprised to discover one would have to cough out $12 for internet access. You what?! Could be a Hilton thang as I recall not having free Wi-Fi either when I stayed at a Hilton in Las Vegas 6 years ago. Anyways I wasn’t too fussed as I would only be spending a night, but thought to comment about it to the hotel bellboy who insisted of taking me to room even though I had no luggage. Once in room he showed me how the TV remote control worked, then the faucets in the bathroom, then how to draw the curtains. I stopped him just as he was about to demonstrate the proper way to open the complimentary bottle of water and gave him a tip. Bellboy thanked me and proceeded to offer me an internet access code after making me swear I would not reveal this to anyone. After our business was concluded I left room to grab dinner and laughed out loud after I shut the door and spotted room number was 419. What are the odds of that in a 372-room hotel, eh?

The next morning, I got dropped off at wrong airport terminal by Hilton shuttle so had to traipse through construction site, that is set to become new airport extension, to arrive at right terminal. Was asked by security where I was travelling to and as soon as I mentioned Juba an elderly lady grasped my left hand and would not let go despite pleas to her in best sign language that I had no alms to give. She kept muttering stuff that I did not understand and as a security guard tried to shoo her off another explained to me her daughter works in Juba and she wanted to send stuff to her. Lady looked distraught and understanding the prevailing economic situation in Juba I foolishly accepted the package of what I was assured was food.

Passed it through the x-ray machine at Terminal 1 entrance and prayed that if anything was flagged the security guys would attest to what occurred with lady. Nada happened. Same occurred at second x-ray machine before boarding gate. Lady gave me her daughter’s number so before I boarded plane I got someone in Juba to call and ensure she existed; if no one had answered phone I woulda left package at airport. After an uneventful 2-hr flight – well, were offered no hot towels for cleansing hands – I arrived at Juba airport and handed over food to lady’s daughter. Hope she enjoyed it.

Noticed something during stopover at Addis Ababa: I am no longer intrigued by Ethiopian women. If you recall, the first time I spent a night there I went on and on about how gorgeous Ethiopian women were. Fast forward two years of seeing them daily in Juba and I am now meh. Human nature, eh? Or could this new found meh-ness be a side effect of stressful vacation? Also have noticed since my return I have tended to take things easy and leave work stuff at work. I am surprising myself I cannot lie. Long may this continue.

Another facet of my post-vacation life is weird dreams I have. I have always had peculiar dreams as y’all know all too well, but what am I to make of one where I shouted at mom in public and directed a cruel joke at a childhood friend? That ain’t me. Yesterday, I dreamt I was performing a stand-up comedy set while taking a dump in a urinal. Woke up after someone complained about the mountain of bog roll I had heaped in said urinal, thus leaving no space for him to urinate. Now that definitely ain’t me.

Brief US trip wasn’t entirely wasted as got to practice some Arabic with the red wine-swilling Saudi Arabian female dental hygienist seated beside me. Got to watch season finale of Game Of Thrones live and visit the Liberty Bell. However, trip highlight was purchasing kettle corn I described in a previous blog post. Again, I refuse to believe this stuff is not crack disguised as food. I wanted to tell immigration officer I was in the US for two nights primarily to get a fix of that oh lovely goodness, but feared he woulda sent me back to the UK for being unserious.

Never seen as many panhandlers in a major US city as Philadelphia. On the flight back to the UK, I sat beside a Trump-supporting Vietnam vet who explained there was a good chance the beggars were veterans like himself, but lacking a support structure. After the war, he served in the Cleveland police department for 20 years before moving to Florida. Ever since he was diagnosed for PTSD he’s travelled to Ibiza annually for a week-long vacation to get wasted on “medicine” and dance his worries away. Though he lacked MY Saudi Arabian princess’s orphic aura, he was interesting all the same.

Mustn’t forget to mention I got a new phone while in the US to replace the crap Samsung Prime that caused me more headaches than the Juba airport “things are tough” guy and his ilk. Unlike previous times when I would acquire a new piece of technology and let it simmer for 1-2 months before using it, I am glad to say this was not the case with my Samsung S8. So far so good (with this post-vacation behavior).

UK trip was meh except for time spent with my daughter. Man, I miss her so. Gone was the Can I press the red button now diva, here was my little bundle of joy. Was so excited to see her I opened with my fallback trick to get kids’ attention where I flip my eyelids so red underside is displayed. This act repulses most kids, but not the apple of my eye who insisted on practicing it on herself. With each failed attempt her eyes got redder and had to beg her to stop before her mom found out. Geez, you would think I would act like a responsible adult occasionally, right? At her age, and sometimes even now, I would get incredibly shy around adults, but my princess is 5 going on 21 with the confidence she displays. Sure got loads to learn from her.

Noticed some of my childhood traits in her like when she cried because she forgot to bring along the rock she had picked up from her beach holiday and time she could not remember the answer to some random information she had been given earlier in the day. That was me as a kid! I cried when I did not get stuff right, especially school work. This was so repetitive on one of her trips outside Nigeria mom got me a tee with the inscription, Boys Don’t Cry. What she did not know at the time was tee shirt was merchandise for The Cure's ‘80s album. Hadn’t a clue myself until years later when we got MTV.

One trait I am glad she hasn’t picked up is my inability to walk straight. Never noticed it much in Juba ‘cos I drive everywhere, but realized I had not overcome it while walking around with peeps during this holiday. I observed I still tend to veer left so much so if I walk a considerable distance with someone on my left I could force them off the road/path. I remember a mate teasing me about this, insisting my bizarre walking style is ‘cos I was sheltered as a kid and never had to take public transportation to school. Ha.

Mom was in the UK when I got there and planned my arrival date to coincide with her birthday. I am sure she musta caught on to my attempts at ingratiation by now as this is second consecutive year I have done this, but she didn’t let on. Aww bless. Our kumbaya phase lasted all of two days before we fell out. Must credit her with trying to restore the putative mother-son close bond between us, but there just doesn’t seem much we have in common anymore. Her constant hope for a “deeper” relationship where I would divulge secrets to her is not feasible. It breaks my heart as a parent myself and I am sure it hurts her more, but it is what it is.

Saw UK dentist and hoping huge bill from him is last I am gonna receive for a long, long time. One more trip to Nigeria next month to fit permanent crown on tooth then dentists assure me I should have a Rolls Royce mouth. Yup, forget airline selections, this time I am literally putting my money where my mouth is.

Tot ziens and God bless.