Doing the Aussie haka

Hola peeps.

So it’s a month in Juba and all is going swimmingly……well, as can be expected. Came up to room from breakfast this morning to pick up bag for office when I received a knock on door. Turns out to be the hotel’s security advisor – he didn’t show any identification now that I think of it – who said he received a report someone from my room was taking photos outside the window. Oh did I forget to tell you one ain’t allowed to take pics? Yup, one requires special permission and signs informing all of this are posted in most hotels. During first visit here in December I had iPad out at airport snapping at this and that until guide warned me of the dangers I’d face.

Informed the security dude was told he was mistaken and set about my day….well, as can be expected. You see for the past week loo has been leaking from the sides. Dunno what issue is, but wouldn’t rule out crap food I have been consuming in quest for perfect culinary experience. Seriously, DON’T RULE IT OUT. Anyway the maintenance dudes at hotel have been up to room so many times - like the dude fixing shower from last blog entry (oh by the way shower now produces hot water once one turns it on at least 30mins before shower time) – I feel awful when I have to recall them. Plus most times it coincides with after I just set bowels free and with no air freshener in room you can guess what their impression of me is.

Now I could cop a can of air freshener from the shops but tired of assisting this hotel folk, man. My clothes are never laundered properly, takes forever to get hot water, food sucks, for some reason housekeeping always place dental floss on side even though it is designed to be placed on its base, and worst of all got told off by an ugly chick. Now the last part sounds downright sad, but thang is…..okay here goes:

Was having dinner with some colleagues some days ago beside the hotel’s mirthful excuse for a pool and after they left wasn’t keen to go back to room so approached two ladies seated by themselves. I politely asked if I could join them as didn’t wanna finish eating meal alone. Got the quickest "no" ever in my life. U know one of them "no"s that make u think you have foul breath or something. Hey, do folk with foul breath even know they have foul breath, I mean how do u tell them without upsetting them? It ain’t like there’s a Tell Your Friend Their Breath Smells Day with an accompanying Hallmark card with a humorous title like So……erm, how’s the Halitosis?
After the “no” sunk in, shook my head, apologized and went back to my seat. Wanna know the most painful thang about being rejected? It was the ugly one that said it. If the better-looking one had done the same my ego wouldn't have been as bruised. Now thinking to self, "woah, spawn of Quasimodo probably thinks I fancy her. Darn."

This "no" took me back to teenage years when a friend and I were driving and saw 2 girls at the bus stop in Surulere. Now there was petrol scarcity at the time …hmmmm eerie, wonder where I have heard that before….. and mate had just got petrol after selling a pound of flesh, but he/we were willing to risk this for chicks. So as I am the designated 'scrub' (i.e. sitting in the passenger side of his mate's ride) I ask the cute one if they'd like a ride. She's keen and about to step in the car - I have a vague picture of her still - when the Coke-bottle-glasses-wearing friend screams at her until cute chick backs away. Yup, Bride of Frankenstein’s "no" was one of those that has one reminiscing, that's how bad it was.

Come to think about it I don’t remember the girl in glasses being that ugly, but then again it'd just be my fragile teenage ego trying to compensate for being rejected. Musta told y’all about time back in Bradford days when I hitched a ride to London with some dudes. They had come up for an end of term house party thrown by some mates. Apparently the driver got rejected by some chicks the night before and his excuse was...wait for it...."u saw the girl holding her stomach, right, like she was ill? I am sure she just had an abortion and that's why she didn't wanna holler at me". I didn't wanna say anything as this dude was my ride to London, but darn bro, really???? Yup, Zelda’s uglier sister’s “no” took me back to Bradford as well, darn it.

So where was I before my negative encounter? Yeah, crappy hotel. So I have decided to secure new digs and might settle for place with ace fruit juices even though I hear their rooms are just as crap. Well, at least they have a more diverse food menu. You know I got so tired of same ol’ breakfast offered here I bought a tin of oats and requested they make me oatmeal for breakfast. After waiting for 15mins I get a lukewarm cup of milky fluid sprinkled with oats. If I wanted to drink garri for breakfast I would have man, I requested oatmeal! I did my best can-u-imagine-ugly-girl-told-me-‘no’-snark while flawlessly executing a flipping-mythical-dreadlocks-as-if-obstructing-vision motion, picked up tin of oats and stomped out of the restaurant. First thang I did at office was to surf web for directions on how to make oatmeal with a microwave. Plan to give it to the restaurant folk tomorrow morning.

I haven’t been able to make the goat/chicken bbq spot I told y’all about last time, but NEED to do so this weekend as my lack of desirable food options is driving me bonkers. Someone suggested another Chinese place and when bill was provided (after another lackluster meal) I found myself doing the Aussie haka. Some bloke described that to me as what most New Zealanders do when they visit Australia. Things are so expensive there as compared to New Zealand, when a bill is provided they end up tapping both front and back pant pockets searching for money while screaming at top of their voices in a manner that is reminiscent of the ancestral war cry of the Maori New Zealanders.

Finally had some local food and favorite is fool (yeah, you read that right) which is some combination of beans and cheese. Now if there ever was a trivia question to Mr. T’s favorite meal you can thank yours truly for the answer. Not to worry some of you won’t get that joke for another week…..make that two weeks… I also tried kisra (which is like enjera but tastes better), kudura (which is green and tastes like ewedu), and some paste made with eggplant and groundnut. Speaking of groundnuts I found a spot where it’s sold so back to loving cooling down with nuts and ijebu garri after gym workouts. Sweet!

On a sad tip my pack of plantain chips is almost gone. Man, plantain chips has made me more friends here than I can count. In a weird way it was ‘cos of the chips I came across 3 good-looking sisters. They swore they were sisters but didn’t believe a word until I saw their identification. They all South Sudanese – or so they say – but look nada alike. The youngest kinda, sorta looks South Sudanese, the one before her Ugandan, and the oldest Kenyan. Don’t trust me on this as I haven’t been here long enough to positively identify folk. Took almost 4 years at Bradford before I’d tell the difference between Indians and Pakistanis. Surely someone musta created an app for that by now.
They need to do that asap for Chinese, Japanese, and Korean ‘cos I get confused, and don’t wanna end up creating a stir or upsetting someone. Dave Chappelle had some sketch where he mistakes a Chinese guy for a Korean and dude blurts out “do I look Korean to you?!”, only for Dave to respond in the affirmative. Kills me everytime I hear that. Get same reaction when I recall one of the apocryphal stories we heard as kids where the Chinese national team was banned from football for decades after a game against Nigeria. As the story goes Nigeria led 3-nil at half time, then in the second half the Chinese came back and won 10-3. It wasn’t until after the game an intrepid sports journalist discovered the Chinese had subbed all 11 players at half time but ‘cos they looked alike no one was the wiser.

I had a white mate once confess he initially had difficulty telling black folk apart, and dude never said anything ‘cos didn’t wanna appear racist. Come to think of it he did mention he had a relative who’s a professional football referee. Mate from Bradford once used another black dude’s railcard, and even though the white ticket inspector scanned the card he let him through. Hmmmm, the ‘R’ word, used to be the black man’s get-out-of-jail card back in the day. Good times, good times.

Heading to gym soon as missed out on a workout yesterday. Trying to restrict the intense 27-minute cardio I told y’all about last time to thrice a week and gym to same. Might need to increase the latter ‘cos before I came over here folk complained of my gaunt appearance. Initially thought they were joking until I travelled to the UK and it was the same thing. Weird ‘cos I still weighed the same and wasn’t until pants started falling off waist and tried on a pair of waist size 30 pants – and they fit! – I knew this was serious. Yup, the quest for those expensive sneakers sure took their toll.

‘Cos of folks’ comments on appearance I have turned into the very folk I detest: peeps that look at themselves in gym mirrors. I find myself unconsciously flexing arms and admiring biceps. Shame. There’s this girl at the gym though that provides me comic relief. She does the mirror gaze thang worse than anyone I know, only she glances at her teeth. I kid you not. Maybe she eats a bowl of spinach before each gym visit?

One thing I have noticed is I seem to be the only one sweating. It gets crazy hot and I’m sweating even in an air conditioned car, but I see folk walking about with no sweat stains on clothes or perspiration on face. Women in make-up looking pristine and no smear. What gives?
Even with the heat folk here drink more tea than the English…with loadsa sugar. You visit someone and first thang they do is give you a bottle of water, ‘cos of the heat I presume, and ask if you want some tea.

Uh oh, gym’s on hold as just got a call from a friend who panics a lot. Called to see if I had bottled water as she was stocking up ‘cos she had got wind stores were running out of the good stuff. Laughed at her, but I ain’t laughing no more. Asked around and one cannot find bottled water anywhere. Loadsa juice and soda but no water. Reason? Folks feel it is cause of the rising price of US dollars in the parallel market. Yeah, but water is bottled locally and only incremental cost item should be the purification chemicals or plastic bottles as cost of petrol/diesel has not changed; so what gives? Something must be done to curb widening currency exchange rate ‘cos the only folk making money, apart from bottle water hoarders, are printing presses where restaurants get their menus re-printed. I’ve been here a month and cost of breakfast at hotel has doubled in that time.

From what I gather this country has largest petroleum reserves in Sub-Saharan Africa after Nigeria and Angola yet due to the fighting up North development has slowed. It pained my heart the other day to see a bunch of street kids sniffing glue. Just sad.

Went to Nigerian embassy yesterday to register presence in the country and was introduced to the president of the Nigerian residents association in South Sudan. Informed me of monthly meetings held so plan to stop by next month. Maybe we can raise funds to finally put to bed the recrudescence of fuel scarcity. Man, felt ashamed and downright embarrassed when folk at work teased me about it and were genuinely curious as to how Nigeria finds herself in such a situation. What plausible explanation could I provide? I mean it’s just shameful.

With what is going on in Nigeria guess I’d not complain so much about hotel in Juba, huh? At least I ain’t struggling for petrol, right? Okay one last vent…..

Last week I return from work, draw open curtains and see some dude painting walls outside window. Dude’s 4 flights up with no harness and merrily painting away. Didn’t know what to do. Do I offer him a cookie? Would that distract him? Or do I wait for El Chupacabra to show up at hotel and wager him to spit on her food from 60ft? Hmmmmm.

Tot ziens and God bless.