Life's little gems

In all honesty the ‘lines’ below are my major reason for starting a blog. They consist of statements/philosophies/jokes/etc that have made me laff/think or bring back special memories. Who am I kidding? These are things I found mostly amusing.

PS
They are listed in no particular order.

"It's difficult to balance being an athlete and a Christian. In a way, that super-competitiveness goes against Christian beliefs. You want to win instead of that guy and if God is with everyone then why should that happen?..."(As spoken by Johnny Akinyemi, Olympic canoeist.)

"I’m where I need to be, or should be, or could be in my life....I think as well as I’ve worked with kids, there are things I don’t think I had the opportunity to do in this life. I think God had intentions for me to do more, but yet still I hear the breath of God telling me, ‘You did more than most people ever thought you would be able to do under the circumstances, so just keep on keepin’ on and we’ll see what comes.’ When I hear that voice, I tell God politely that he sounds too much like the devil for my taste.” (As written by John Carlos, the 1968 Olympics bronze medal winner whose iconic black glove protest still resonates today, in his memoirs.)

"And Gusau, who appears to be in the race more for his personal amusement than in any hopes of being selected, is having a good laugh at all three (Babangida, Abubakar and Saraki) – perhaps even including Jonathan – and saying to himself, if only Nigerians know what I know about these candidates...." (As stated by ThisDay reporter Azu when analyzing the debacle that is the race for the PDP presidential ticket.)

"Nothing in life is for sure, nothing that you see today will always be here tomorrow. All of these people come to Afghanistan of their own volition, they come knowing that they may pay with their lives, the black humour is rife, a good way to keep the apprehension low, to keep calm and carry on. Perhaps no one ever expects it to be them, perhaps not their immediate friends either, it always some poor unknown person, a local national, a third country national. We count those that matter to us. We say that we are prepared for the loss whatever that may be but is it ever possible to be so? To be so prepared is that at polar opposites to the decision to be there in the first place, that somehow, it will never be me or anyone close to me." (As written by Dr. Karen Woo, a humanitarian who was recently slain by the Taliban, in her blog after she learnt of the death of two colleagues in a plane crash in Afghanistan in June 2010.)

"The smartest adulterer ever? Brad Pitt. He upgraded from a workaholic actress who didn't want kids to the hottest/craziest/sexiest woman alive who doubles as a fetus machine … and with no real career repercussions! In fact, nothing Brad Pitt does ever seems to come back and haunt him....everything bounces off that dude." (As replied by ESPN's Sports Guy Bill Simmons to a reader who wanted to know why Bill had chosen Tiger Woods as one of the dumbest adulterers of all time.)

"The governor read your letter and laughed out loud. He wanted me to respond to you. I wish you success as you cut down on your caffeine consumption." (As replied by former Arkansas Governor Huckabee's chief aide on clemency when Robert Herzfeld, then the prosecuting attorney of Saline County, wrote a letter to Governor Huckabee in January 2004, questioning his policy on offering clemency to prisoners without announcing specific reasons for his decisions.)

"I Have A Small Penis." (As tattooed underneath MMA fighter Melivin Costa's belly button.)

"Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film." (As stated by the blackboard behind Woody Paige, panelist on ESPN's Around The Horn on 30th June 2009.)

"I will participate in the demonstrations tomorrow. Maybe they will turn violent. Maybe I will be one of the people who is going to be killed. I’m listening to all my favorite music. I even want to dance to a few songs. I always wanted to have very narrow eyebrows. Yes, maybe I will go to the salon before I go tomorrow! I wrote these random sentences for the next generation so that they know we were not just emotional under peer pressure. So they know that we did everything we could to create a better future for them. So they know that our ancestors surrendered to Arabs and Mongols but did not surrender to despotism. This note is dedicated to tomorrow’s children." (As stated by an Iranian woman to NY Times Columnist Roger Cohen during the June 2009 election protests.)

"I would suggest the first thing that would make me feel a little better toward them [AIG executives] is if they follow the Japanese example and come before the American people and take that deep bow and say, 'I am sorry,' and then either do one of two things: resign or go commit suicide....And in the case of the Japanese, they usually commit suicide." (As stated by Republican Sen. Charles Grassley of Iowa, obviously outraged at news that AIG had paid out bonuses to employees that crafted complicated deals that wound up shaking the world's economic foundations.)

"That's not a boy, that's an unemployed alcoholic!" (As stated by MSN.co.uk music reviewer when discussing Beyonce's If I Was A Boy lyrics "Roll out of bed in the morning / And throw on what I wanted / And go drink beer with the guys.".)

"Rudy Giuliani... I mean, think about it! Rudy Giuliani. There's only three things he mentions in a sentence -- a noun, a verb, and 9/11. There's nothing else! There's nothing else! And I mean this sincerely. He's genuinely not qualified to be president." (As said by Joe Biden in 2007. Guess now he's the Democratic veepee nominee his opinions are even stronger.)

"Ibo man wey be Muslim dey find something." (As said by an Ibo colleague championing an argument that the notoriously business-savvy Ibos of Eastern Nigerian would even change religion - they are mostly Xtians - to get a deal done.)

"Even Jesus would have a tough go as a Democrat in Indiana." (As said by a dairy farmer in Indiana, USA when asked if the notoriously Republican-backed state would go blue 'cos of interest generated by the Democratic presidential nominees.)

"He's only 25, albeit a Nigerian 25, and so if that is his age he's still got a good few years ahead of him." (As said by David Moyes when commenting on Yakubu Ayegbeni's hat-trick against SK Brann. Dude deserves a Salford kiss for that comment.)

"No, I have nothing else to do." (As said by Mike Huckabee when asked if he saw any cost of staying in the Republican presidential nominee race, especially with McCain's lead. U gotta love him, he really is a breath of fresh air.)

"The Senate does not have funds allocated for payment of ransom for the release of senator or resource person taken as hostage by the militants." (As said by Nigerian Senate President David Mark as an appeal to the militants during the Senate's planned visit to the Niger Delta creeks. So dude wants to tell me other Nigerians have set aside funds u know just in case they get kidnapped?)

"Enwerem, erstwhile Senate President, could die today but he can't die tomorrow. We shall see what will happen tomorrow." (As said by a member of the 'Integrity Group' on the excuse by the Speaker of Nigeria's House of Representatives to postpone a motion to probe her.)

"You're talking to Noah about the flood." (As said by George W. Bush, when asked by a reporter give him some good news amidst all the goings-on during this stage of his presidency.)

"The tomb is not a blind alley; it is a thoroughfare. It closes upon the twilight, but it opens upon dawn." (As said by Victor Hugo, when discussing life after death.)

"Difficult takes a day. Impossible takes a week." (As said by Jay-Z on Kanye's Diamonds Are Forever Remix. Better words have never left those huge lips.)

"There are more love songs than anything else. If songs could make you do something we'd all love one another. I wrote a song about dental floss but did anyone's teeth get cleaner?" (As said by Frank Zappa, and used by a commentator to poo poo the fallacious idea that listening to rap music causes folk to commit violent acts.)

"The wheat producers have failed to meet the conditions we gave to them. We have waited for one year and you have not done anything and insha allah, you will not go beyond the 1st of July. If you do not do anything, your mill will be closed." (As said by President Obasanjo, while berating millers to include 10 per cent of cassava flour in wheat flour or have their mills closed.)

"No, but I understand Einstein." (As said by Mrs. Einstein, when asked if she understood the theory of relativity.)

"Lagos has for 20 years opposed every Governor and has formented strife and bloodshed in the hinterland....I have spent the best part of my life in Africa, my aim has been the betterment of the natives for whom I have been ready to give my life. But after some 29 years, and after nearly 12 years as Governor here, I am free to say that the people of Lagos and indeed the Westerners are the lowest, the most seditious and disloyal, the most purely prompted by self seeking money motives of any people I have met." (As said by Lord Lugard in 1916. U think he wasn't too pleased with his assignment?)

"There is something that can happen to every athlete and every human being; the instinct to slack off, to give in to pain, to give less than your best; the instinct to hope you can win through luck or through your opponent not doing his best, instead of going to the limit and past your limit where victory is found. Defeating those negative instincts that are out to defeat us, is the difference between winning and losing - and we all face that battle every day." (As said by the 1936 Olympics four gold medal winner Jesse Owens)

"I told him, cheat on me all you want. If you get caught, I'm going to s***w everybody on your entire team. Coaches, trainers, players. I would do everybody on his whole team." (As said on Howard Stern's radio show by Anna Benson, wife of baseball player Kris Benson. Guess Kris's NY Mets teammates are going around with camera phones hoping they catch him being unfaithful.)

".....the jarring result is that Farrell's Alexander looks like a Babylonian hooker after a busy Saturday night." (As said by CNN.com's film critic Paul Clinton, when discussing Colin Farrell's bad hair-dye job in the movie Alexander.)

"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." (As stated by former US politician Pat Robertson in 1992. Well, I sure am glad I'm not a feminist)

"I just don't want the day to come where I pick up that paper and it says [Zach] shot someone, or that he was shot. Every day that goes by that I don't see that, I feel good" (As said by NBA player Zach Randolph's high school coach and seen on ESPN.com)

"We have too many of our own problems, these explosions, this lack of stability, to be bothered about it (the US election)" (A statement by Iraqi grocer Georges Butros as seen in METRO newspaper, Thursday November 4th 2004)

"If they put up a vacuum cleaner against Bush we'd vote for it and just ask them to change the bag every now and then,". (As seen in an article in The Guardian about Bush and Kerry supporters.)

Better to have loved and lost than to live with the psycho the rest of your life . (As seen on a poster in an ‘alternative’ card shop.)

Not all men are fools. Some are bachelors. (This was inscribed on a sticker displayed on the large wall in my oldest brother’s room. OBTW he's now married with a kid. Go figure.)

If he dies, he dies. (Scene from Rocky IV, one of my all-time favourite movies, where Ivan Drago’s being interviewed after pummelling the life, literally, outta Apollo Creed. Sylvester’s Stallone reaction here is worth the price of purchase/rental alone. Utterly hilarious.)