The 3Ts of Tunde

Articles of interest to moi (2012)

2012-01-24T11:45:00.000-08:00

KPMG's NNPC report
Nigerian 2012 budget
Sell, sell, sell

Articles of interest to moi (2011)

2011-12-26T03:31:00.000-08:00

We never learn, do we?
Screwed up priorities
Taking the good with the bad
The icon that is Eddie
Even better
Well said
Jungle fever
SPDC's messy asset sale
Skip the entire article and go to the last paragraph. The Theron man, the Theron!
A decade after September 11th
PIB ineffectiveness
Same ol' Delta
Space 1999
Incredible
What came first: the egg, the chicken, or the CBN?
$900 prayer
Here we go again...
Playing politics with Nigeria electricity
This would be funny if Charlie Sheen didn't require help....who am I kidding, it's uber funny!!!
No wonder the Nigerian leadership don't wanna sign the FOI bill
Need to read Uncle Tom's Cabin so I can finally get an idea of the term
This guy sucks so much he'd be a vacuum cleaner
Tiger blood baby!!!
Bill tells it like it is. NFL owners must be related to Nigerian politicians
And u plan to curb vote rigging?!
Historical Jesus?
Science explains all
All sorts of people, huh? Nothing surprises me anymore when it comes to Nigerian leadership
No bling for our new hero
Yup, it's definitely spreading
Smackdown beeeaaatttch!!
Told ya Nigerians are everywhere!
Uh oh
But I love the game....boo hoo
It's spreading....
Certainly no relation of Peter Parker
Teach urself
Ghana, the choice is urs
I am questioning the same as well..
National cake
Privitisation in Nigeria
No place like Warri
US gun laws

Life's little gems

2011-10-11T07:20:00.000-07:00

In all honesty the ‘lines’ below are my major reason for starting a blog. They consist of statements/philosophies/jokes/etc that have made me laff/think or bring back special memories. Who am I kidding? These are things I found mostly amusing.

PS
They are listed in no particular order.

"I’m where I need to be, or should be, or could be in my life....I think as well as I’ve worked with kids, there are things I don’t think I had the opportunity to do in this life. I think God had intentions for me to do more, but yet still I hear the breath of God telling me, ‘You did more than most people ever thought you would be able to do under the circumstances, so just keep on keepin’ on and we’ll see what comes.’ When I hear that voice, I tell God politely that he sounds too much like the devil for my taste.” (As written by John Carlos, the 1968 Olympics bronze medal winner whose iconic black glove protest still resonates today, in his memoirs.)

"And Gusau, who appears to be in the race more for his personal amusement than in any hopes of being selected, is having a good laugh at all three (Babangida, Abubakar and Saraki) – perhaps even including Jonathan – and saying to himself, if only Nigerians know what I know about these candidates...." (As stated by ThisDay reporter Azu when analyzing the debacle that is the race for the PDP presidential ticket.)

"Nothing in life is for sure, nothing that you see today will always be here tomorrow. All of these people come to Afghanistan of their own volition, they come knowing that they may pay with their lives, the black humour is rife, a good way to keep the apprehension low, to keep calm and carry on. Perhaps no one ever expects it to be them, perhaps not their immediate friends either, it always some poor unknown person, a local national, a third country national.
We count those that matter to us. We say that we are prepared for the loss whatever that may be but is it ever possible to be so? To be so prepared is that at polar opposites to the decision to be there in the first place, that somehow, it will never be me or anyone close to me." (As written by Dr. Karen Woo, a humanitarian who was recently slain by the Taliban, in her blog after she learnt of the death of two colleagues in a plane crash in Afghanistan in June 2010.)

"The smartest adulterer ever? Brad Pitt. He upgraded from a workaholic actress who didn't want kids to the hottest/craziest/sexiest woman alive who doubles as a fetus machine … and with no real career repercussions! In fact, nothing Brad Pitt does ever seems to come back and haunt him....everything bounces off that dude." (As replied by ESPN's Sports Guy Bill Simmons to a reader who wanted to know why Bill had chosen Tiger Woods as one of the dumbest adulterers of all time.)

"The governor read your letter and laughed out loud. He wanted me to respond to you. I wish you success as you cut down on your caffeine consumption." (As replied by former Arkansas Governor Huckabee's chief aide on clemency when Robert Herzfeld, then the prosecuting attorney of Saline County, wrote a letter to Governor Huckabee in January 2004, questioning his policy on offering clemency to prisoners without announcing specific reasons for his decisions.)

"I Have A Small Penis." (As tattooed underneath MMA fighter Melivin Costa's belly button.)

"Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film." (As stated by the blackboard behind Woody Paige, panelist on ESPN's Around The Horn on 30th June 2009.)

"I will participate in the demonstrations tomorrow. Maybe they will turn violent. Maybe I will be one of the people who is going to be killed. I’m listening to all my favorite music. I even want to dance to a few songs. I always wanted to have very narrow eyebrows. Yes, maybe I will go to the salon before I go tomorrow! I wrote these random sentences for the next generation so that they know we were not just emotional under peer pressure. So they know that we did everything we could to create a better future for them. So they know that our ancestors surrendered to Arabs and Mongols but did not surrender to despotism. This note is dedicated to tomorrow’s children." (As stated by an Iranian woman to NY Times Columnist Roger Cohen during the June 2009 election protests.)

"I would suggest the first thing that would make me feel a little better toward them [AIG executives] is if they follow the Japanese example and come before the American people and take that deep bow and say, 'I am sorry,' and then either do one of two things: resign or go commit suicide....And in the case of the Japanese, they usually commit suicide." (As stated by Republican Sen. Charles Grassley of Iowa, obviously outraged at news that AIG had paid out bonuses to employees that crafted complicated deals that wound up shaking the world's economic foundations.)

"That's not a boy, that's an unemployed alcoholic!" (As stated by MSN.co.uk music reviewer when discussing Beyonce's If I Was A Boy lyrics "Roll out of bed in the morning / And throw on what I wanted / And go drink beer with the guys.".)

"Rudy Giuliani... I mean, think about it! Rudy Giuliani. There's only three things he mentions in a sentence -- a noun, a verb, and 9/11. There's nothing else! There's nothing else! And I mean this sincerely. He's genuinely not qualified to be president." (As said by Joe Biden in 2007. Guess now he's the Democratic veepee nominee his opinions are even stronger.)

"Ibo man wey be Muslim dey find something." (As said by an Ibo colleague championing an argument that the notoriously business-savvy Ibos of Eastern Nigerian would even change religion - they are mostly Xtians - to get a deal done.)

"Even Jesus would have a tough go as a Democrat in Indiana." (As said by a dairy farmer in Indiana, USA when asked if the notoriously Republican-backed state would go blue 'cos of interest generated by the Democratic presidential nominees.)

"He's only 25, albeit a Nigerian 25, and so if that is his age he's still got a good few years ahead of him." (As said by David Moyes when commenting on Yakubu Ayegbeni's hat-trick against SK Brann. Dude deserves a Salford kiss for that comment.)

"No, I have nothing else to do." (As said by Mike Huckabee when asked if he saw any cost of staying in the Republican presidential nominee race, especially with McCain's lead. U gotta love him, he really is a breath of fresh air.)

"The Senate does not have funds allocated for payment of ransom for the release of senator or resource person taken as hostage by the militants." (As said by Nigerian Senate President David Mark as an appeal to the militants during the Senate's planned visit to the Niger Delta creeks. So dude wants to tell me other Nigerians have set aside funds u know just in case they get kidnapped?)

"Enwerem, erstwhile Senate President, could die today but he can't die tomorrow. We shall see what will happen tomorrow." (As said by a member of the 'Integrity Group' on the excuse by the Speaker of Nigeria's House of Representatives to postpone a motion to probe her.)

"You're talking to Noah about the flood." (As said by George W. Bush, when asked by a reporter give him some good news amidst all the goings-on during this stage of his presidency.)

"The tomb is not a blind alley; it is a thoroughfare. It closes upon the twilight, but it opens upon dawn." (As said by Victor Hugo, when discussing life after death.)

"Difficult takes a day. Impossible takes a week." (As said by Jay-Z on Kanye's Diamonds Are Forever Remix. Better words have never left those huge lips.)

"There are more love songs than anything else. If songs could make you do something we'd all love one another. I wrote a song about dental floss but did anyone's teeth get cleaner?" (As said by Frank Zappa, and used by a commentator to poo poo the fallacious idea that listening to rap music causes folk to commit violent acts.)

"The wheat producers have failed to meet the conditions we gave to them. We have waited for one year and you have not done anything and insha allah, you will not go beyond the 1st of July. If you do not do anything, your mill will be closed." (As said by President Obasanjo, while berating millers to include 10 per cent of cassava flour in wheat flour or have their mills closed.)

"No, but I understand Einstein." (As said by Mrs. Einstein, when asked if she understood the theory of relativity.)

"Lagos has for 20 years opposed every Governor and has formented strife and bloodshed in the hinterland....I have spent the best part of my life in Africa, my aim has been the betterment of the natives for whom I have been ready to give my life. But after some 29 years, and after nearly 12 years as Governor here, I am free to say that the people of Lagos and indeed the Westerners are the lowest, the most seditious and disloyal, the most purely prompted by self seeking money motives of any people I have met." (As said by Lord Lugard in 1916. U think he wasn't too pleased with his assignment?)

"There is something that can happen to every athlete and every human being; the instinct to slack off, to give in to pain, to give less than your best; the instinct to hope you can win through luck or through your opponent not doing his best, instead of going to the limit and past your limit where victory is found. Defeating those negative instincts that are out to defeat us, is the difference between winning and losing - and we all face that battle every day." (As said by the 1936 Olympics four gold medal winner Jesse Owens)

"I told him, cheat on me all you want. If you get caught, I'm going to s***w everybody on your entire team. Coaches, trainers, players. I would do everybody on his whole team." (As said on Howard Stern's radio show by Anna Benson, wife of baseball player Kris Benson. Guess Kris's NY Mets teammates are going around with camera phones hoping they catch him being unfaithful.)

".....the jarring result is that Farrell's Alexander looks like a Babylonian hooker after a busy Saturday night." (As said by CNN.com's film critic Paul Clinton, when discussing Colin Farrell's bad hair-dye job in the movie Alexander.)

"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." (As stated by former US politician Pat Robertson in 1992. Well, I sure am glad I'm not a feminist)

"I just don't want the day to come where I pick up that paper and it says [Zach] shot someone, or that he was shot. Every day that goes by that I don't see that, I feel good" (As said by NBA player Zach Randolph's high school coach and seen on ESPN.com)

"We have too many of our own problems, these explosions, this lack of stability, to be bothered about it (the US election)" (A statement by Iraqi grocer Georges Butros as seen in METRO newspaper, Thursday November 4th 2004)

"If they put up a vacuum cleaner against Bush we'd vote for it and just ask them to change the bag every now and then,". (As seen in an article in The Guardian about Bush and Kerry supporters.)

Better to have loved and lost than to live with the psycho the rest of your life . (As seen on a poster in an ‘alternative’ card shop.)

Not all men are fools. Some are bachelors. (This was inscribed on a sticker displayed on the large wall in my oldest brother’s room. OBTW he's now married with a kid. Go figure.)

If he dies, he dies. (Scene from Rocky IV, one of my all-time favourite movies, where Ivan Drago’s being interviewed after pummelling the life, literally, outta Apollo Creed. Sylvester’s Stallone reaction here is worth the price of purchase/rental alone. Utterly hilarious.)

I Love You Phillip Morris

2011-09-03T10:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Tunde, I wrote you an email but you still ain’t calling
I left my new BB pin and my cellphone number at the bottom
I called you twice before you got married but you must not have got them
Probably due to crap phone network or something
Sometimes I jab in the wrong numbers due to my fat fingers
But wait, it could be you turned off the phone ringer, yeah that’s it
Anyways how’s wedding plans?
I hear you’ve chosen a venue, man can’t wait I’m sure it would be grand
So when are you gonna ask me to be best man?
Just kidding I know I am gonna be a groom’s man
Know it’s been a while since we spoke but don’t be scared to ask
No way I’ll reject that request, it’d be an honorable task
Be rest assured I’d take my duties seriously I’d even stand at the door
You know to push back any exs who would wanna create havoc or settle any old scores
So until I hear from you I’ll be stripping for old ladies at Julio’s

Dear Tunde, you haven’t called or responded yet
I ain’t mad I just think it’s messed up u think ‘cos u getting married u all set
Incase u didn’t get the hint at end of last email I finally ventured out and got me my own strip joint
U happy for me, right? Right?
Isn’t it weird we both have important stuff going on in our lives the same time
It’s like we are ineluctably linked for life, u know like those twins from Siam
Maybe I am the only one that feels this way
‘Cos if you did too u’d call now and then to at least say hey
And then I hear you’ve already selected your list of groom’s men
What’s it man, I stink or something
Why can’t you see we have so much in common man
Same egg-shaped head, same protruding shoulder blade like Michael Jordan
Anyways I forgive you for leaving me off the list
Probably due to stress of all the wedding planning s^%t
So ain’t you gonna come down to see what I’ve done with the club
Yikes, my very own business…and they say college dropouts are dumb
Bill Gates baby, Kanye West baby
Oh did I tell you my girl really wants to get hitched
Dunno man, dunno. Sometimes I just wanna strangle the witch
How did you get away with putting it off for so long
I meant marriage not murderous thoughts
See what I mean when I say we are so much in sync
Who else but us two can segue homicide into glee
Anyways hit me back, this is Julio
PS: We should be together too

Dear Mister-I’m-Getting-Married-So-I-Choose-To- Ignore-My-Alterego
Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of Fiona’s beau
You best run Forrest, u best run fast
If I get you your arse is grass
So you think you can ignore me for yonks and all will be aiight
You think ain’t no way I am gonna set Miss Beckinsale alight
That b*^ch is gone man, you best say buy buy
Yes u pernickety dude u, I wrote the last line on purpose but u don’t get it so go ahead, sigh
U like big words, huh? How about ‘pernicious’?
I can see the headlines now: Tunde’s self-pernicious ways caused Julio to snap
Oh wait, excuuuuuze me, I can’t use the word that way? The sentence wasn’t grammatically correct?
Well, put a sock in it a-hole
I’m gonna leave a li’l present (hint: it’s a venomous snake) in ur bog bowl
Wanna know the truth about all those calls I made?
I drunk-dialled your arse beeatch
If you notice I ain’t making much effort to rhyme again ‘cos u ain’t worth it
Yes man, u ain’t L’Oreal man u ain’t L’Oreal
Woah, I like that line so much I am gonna use it
U best not steal it from me u plagiarizer u
Stealing my best lines and using it on the ladies
Does Princess Fiona know I hid ur weed so u’d appear coherent on ur dates with her?
Does she know u still cup ur palm over ur butt when u fart so u can relish the smell for longer?
Ooops, did I just type that? Yes, I diddly-dum-diddly did
I just drank a gallon of zobo, you dare me to drive?
Of course you would dumb ass, well tough luck zobo doesn’t get one drunk
You know the song by Phil Collins, "In the Air of the Night" about that guy who coulda saved that other guy from drowning but didn't, then Phil saw it all, then at a show he found him?
Of course you would you ‘80s fairy baby. Only gay guys still listen to Phil Collins so u just out-ed urself
Sucks to be you, don’t it?
I hope all cuss words in songs played at your wedding don’t get bleeped out
I hope all non-cuss words in songs played at your wedding get bleeped out
I hope you choose Randy Watson and The Sexual Chocolate for your wedding band
I hope Princess Fiona finds your journal and reads all of it
I hope she gets to know how you chose to marry her ‘cos she’s got long hair and u don’t have any and u didn’t want ur son to grow up to do a Rooney
I hope she finds out the sari you got her as a wedding present actually belonged to ur Indian ex and that u so pitiful u nicked it from her wardrobe after she dumped ur arse
I hope all ur teeth fall out from all the sugar u eat….I mean c’mon who in their right mind adds sugar to Frosties?
I hope peeps don’t believe u when u tell them u actually chose to name ur son ‘Tunde 1’ before the Beckhams had a daughter
I hope u wake up one morning with man boobs so large ur son starts craving milk
I hope u grow so fat peeps starts asking if ur favorite football club is now KFC (geddit? KFC as in Kentucky Fried Chicken as opposed to say Arsenal FC or Barcelona FC, where FC represents Football Club? Whatever, you will get the joke two weeks from now you mirthless punk)
Yeah, I hope you get that joke while lying in bed and you burst out laughing just as Princess Fiona takes her gown off
I hope she denies you nookie for yonks ‘cos of that
U see how all ur secrets woulda remained secret if only u sent me a wedding invite?
Yes, I used the ‘invite’ as a noun u fastidious punk
So it’s been fun venting now I am off to give your flavor-of-the-month cougar Diezani a lap dance
Tot ziens and God bless.

GLO sucks

2011-08-10T07:18:00.000-07:00

2nd August 2011
Hi. My number is XXXXXX.

After receiving subpar service for a while I decided to change package from Postpaid to Prepaid last week and I was assured my line would only be suspended for 72 hours.

It has taken over 120 hours and yet I cannot receive nor make calls. Calls to your customer service line have been met with usual false assurances that line would be fully functional at day's end.

I would appreciate if this problem is resolved asap.

Regards,
Tunde

2nd August 2011
Dear Tunde,

We acknowledge receipt of your mail.

We write to inform you that there is a current usage of =N=14,365.34 on your account ( which may be updated after the bill reconciliation which should occur within the next couple of weeks).

You have an excess credit of =N=8,987.06 which leaves you with an excess usage of =N=5,378.28.

However, you may instruct that your security deposit of =N=5,000 be credited toy our account and also make payment of about =N=500 at any of our Equitorial Trust Bank branches or Gloworld outlets.

This would ensure that the migration process is concluded on your account.

Once again, all inconveniencies are deeply regretted. Please bear with us.

Kindly write us via this same medium for further enquiries.

Thank you for using Glo Mobile. Have a splendid day.

Regards,

Chinwe Ogunniyi
Corporate Call Centre
SR No : 1-633475721

2nd August 2011
Hi Chinwe,

Thanks for this.

Yes, you can use my security deposit as credit. About the N500 balance, can it be deducted from my postpaid account when I load airtime? I ask because I do not have ready access to get to any of your Gloworld outlets.

I am really disappointed none of this was explained to me when I spoke to your rep at the Gloworld office last week or the numerous reps over the phone. It is almost a week and yet no access to phone calls. Seems it is now a privilege to have access to Glo networks.

Honestly, I would have switched networks if number mobility was established in Nigeria.

Regards,
Tunde

3rd August 2011
Dear Tunde,

Further to your mail, we have feedback.

We write to inform you that your security deposit of =N=5,000 has been credited to your account.

Regarding the payment of =N=500 , we reiterate that this should be done at any of our Equitorial Trust Bank branches or Gloworld outlets.

This is because your account in being in the process of migration, has been disconnected and would not be able to receive credit from any other means.

Once again, all inconveniencies are deeply regretted. Please bear with us.

Kindly write us via this same medium for further enquiries.

Thank you for using Glo Mobile. Have a splendid day.

Regards,

Chinwe Ogunniyi
Corporate Call Centre
SR No : 1-633882631

3rd August 2011
Hi Chinwe,

I instructed a friend to pay the N500 balance at your Gloworld offices, and she assured me it has been done.

Please confirm and let me know when migration will be over.

Regards,
Tunde
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN (Do you think GLO noticed I responded to their mail using a competitor’s service?)

4th August 2011
Dear Tunde,

We acknowledge receipt of your mail.

We write to inform you that the N500 has not been credited. Please send a scanned copy of the payment voucher that was issued at gloworld for further assistance.

We apologise for any inconvenience.

Kindly write us via same medium for further enquiries.

Thank you for using Glo Mobile, have a great day.

Regards,

Chidi Okeke
Corporate Call Center
SR: 1-634117613

4th August 2011
Hi.

I do not have a scanned copy of payment voucher as instructed someone to pay it for me. The details he gave me are:

Payment reference: XXXXX
Account no: XXXXX
Location payment made: Gloworld, 41 Adeniran Ogunsanya Street, Surulere
Amount paid: N400

Hope this suffices.

Regards,
Tunde

4th August 2011
Dear Tunde,

We acknowledge the receipt of your mail.

We write to inform you that we have received a payment of #400 made on the 8/3/11 which has been credited into your account and the migration process is still ongoing.

We plead with you to kindly exercise a little patience as you will be informed as soon as this has been completed.

We hope the information suffices and sincerely apologise for any inconvenience this may have caused you our valued customer and we thank you for your understanding and support.

Kindly write via same medium for further enquiries.

Thank you for using Glo mobile, have a pleasant day.

Regards,

Nsofor Chinwendu
Corporate Call Center
SR:1-634408401

8th August 2011
Hi Nsofor,

I submitted my letter for line migration July 27th and still I cannot make nor receive calls. I have done all your company has asked and yet I am being asked to be patient. This process was supposed to take 72 hours from date letter was submitted!

What gives?

Regards,
Tunde

8th August 2011
Dear Mr. Tunde,

We acknowledge the receipt of your mail.

We write to inform you that the account has not been migrated because the details on the account as at the time of deactivation have changed. The line currently has a usage of N5, 129.16 as against your excess credit of N3, 439.64. The difference has to be paid for the line to be fully migrated.

We will advise you make payment in excess of N2, 000 for the migration to pull through. At the end of the process, if you have any balance, we will credit it to your prepaid account.

Please note that the payment has to be made in any of our Gloworld outlet or ETB branches.

We sincerely apologise for the all the inconveniences.

The reason for the changes in the account was due to the system maintenance we had carried out in the month of April and May, 2011. We did not update and bill transactions; this has led to the delay in our account reconciliation process. The system is still regularizing and updating details on all accounts, hence, we plead with you to kindly exercise a little patience with us in this regards.

We sincerely apologise for any inconvenience this may have caused you our valued customer and we thank you for your understanding in this regards.

Kindly call our helpline '200' or write back via same medium for further enquiries.

Thank you for using Glo-mobile, have a pleasant day.

Regards,

Oziegbe Bukola
Corporate Call Centre
SR;1-635469713

8th August 2011
Hi Bukola (or whoever is going to respond to this email),

Did you read the email thread below? If you did you would realize your guys already told me I owed you a certain amount and I cleared that. Now you tell me I still have to pay N2,000 to clear up some outstanding debts? It's not the money, just the continuous drag. Seriously, would it have killed you guys to have explained ALL your possible issues to me ahead of time so I'd be prepared?

The reason for the changes in the account was due to the system maintenance we had carried out in the month of April and May, 2011. We did not update and bill transactions; this has led to the delay in our account reconciliation process. The system is still regularizing and updating details on all accounts, hence, we plead with you to kindly exercise a little patience with us in this regards.
From your statement above there really is a chance you guys will come back to me a week from now and dish out some other amount I owe, right? I mean your "system is still regularizing and updating details", isn't it?

The ironic thing is it did not this long when I migrated my line from pre-paid to post-paid.

Your valued (continuously shafted) customer,
Tunde

8th August 2011
Dear Mr. Tunde,

We acknowledge the receipt of your additional mail.

We write to foremost tender our unreserved apologies for the inconvenience we might have caused you via this. Please note that your line has been migrated to the prepaid platform and you are to dial 125 and follow the voice prompt to activate the line on that platform.

However, we plead with you to go and make a payment in excess of #2, 000 into your postpaid account at any of our Gloworld outlets or Equitorial Trust Bank (ETB) branches closest to you so as to prevent the line from being disconnected.

We hope this information will suffice and once again, we sincerely apologise for the inconvenience we may have caused you in anyway.

Kindly call our prepaid helpline 121 or write us via same medium for further enquiries.

Thank you for using Glo-mobile, have a pleasant day.

Regards,

Tokunbo Fajana
Corporate Call Centre
SR No: 1-635654991

9th August 2011
Hi Tokunbo,

In the words of Johnny Drama: V-I-C-T-O-R-Y! So incessant bugging does work? Interesting.

I have a good mind to make a dash for your head office in only my boxer shorts, throwing N1m worth of ur competitors' recharge cards in the air while shouting "big mistake, big mistake" a la Julia Roberts' character from Pretty Woman. But then again, maybe not.

Seriously though, thank you thank you.

I shall do as directed as soon as possible.

Regards,
Tunde

PS
Just attempted to dial 125 and was prompted that SIM would need to be registered before any call can be made. Una don start again o. Thought I had until end of September 2011 to register SIM.

9th August 2011
Dear Mr. Tunde,

We acknowledge the receipt of your mail.

We sincerely apologise for all the inconveniences caused you.

We plead with you to register the SIM as directed by NCC for you to be able to use the line.

We once again apologise for all the inconveniences.

Kindly call our helpline '121' or write back via same medium for further enquiries.

Thank you for using Glo-mobile, have a pleasant day.

Regards,

Oziegbe Bukola
Corporate Call Centre
SR;1-635859101

Beware of the “marriage room”

2011-03-28T07:39:00.000-07:00

Hola long lost peeps. La vida es llena de sorpresas.

Happy new year peeps. Dude I chose as my bestman sent me the nicest text message on January 1st. He reminded me that after we left church on January 1st 2010 I told him I’d be getting hitched later that year. Didn’t exactly work out as planned but I did get engaged and as far as he’s concerned that’s good enough for him seeing as he had bugged me incessantly about getting hitched. He signed it off by writing, “ I now understand why u took ur time. U seem genuinely happy and I know Princess Fiona’s gonna be the perfect wife God’s ordained for u.” Awwww. And they say men ain’t emotional. Psstttt I am sure he was on his time of the month when he constructed that message but let’s keep it between us okay?

While we are on matters best left to medical doctors u know how they say when women live together for a while their periods sorta synchronize? Well I’ve observed the weirdest thang: my poop doesn’t look like MY poop anymore. Seriously it looks funny, and I noticed the difference soon after I returned to Warri in October 2010. After I fumigated the crib loadsa tiny, streamlined pelletized doodle appeared around the bathtub so I called the fumigator back in – Warri’s answer to Ace Ventura……if good ol’ Ace decided it was easier to make a living killing animals than saving them – and he confirmed the droppings were made by wall geckos, and they are immune to pesticides. They don’t share that with u in those Geico commercials, do they? Seems the gecko chose to rub my face in it as well ‘cos like clockwork soon as I leave the house he’d poop on same area of bath tub. This continued every day for two weeks and led me to conclude I housed a gecko with diarrhea. It was during that period I noticed my poop was taking on weirder and weirder shapes like the gecko’s. Dunno how to describe it but my poop ain’t the same anymore. Need to find a way to eliminate that darn gecko.

Another weird thang’s happened since I returned to Warri from two month sojourn in Lagos. Dunno if The Ghost followed me from the UK to Nigeria but how else can I explain the sporadic rumblings in the loo bowl? Remember the Biblical story in John chapter 5 of the man Jesus healed by the pool? Rumbling volcanic loo bowl reminds me of the stirred pool. Maybe someone adjusted the plumbing while I was away or just maybe the gecko and his animal friends believe a dip in my loo, when it’s stirred, will render them invincible. All I know is it pisses me off no end. Can u imagine water spouting up the bowl while I am taking a dump – hence I am forced to take a shower after every dump now – or trying to catch some zzzz in the room and then the loo rumbles? U know what would be fun? If I could find a way to lure the gecko with the runs into the loo bowl just before it spouts. Talk about an undiscovered form of entertainment: Animal X-Games!

While discussing my requirement for an exorcist for my toilet bowl mate suggested recent observations could be due to pre-marital jitters. Yeah sure, while we are at it maybe it was while sleep-walking I messed around with my plumbing and then took a miniature crap around bath tub to frame the gecko. He listed a number of guys he knew that developed odd habits before their impending nuptials. ”I swear I have a friend who developed a bald patch over night. Another went into reverse puberty as his voice ‘healed’ from a baritone to a soprano two weeks before he got hitched. ” He went on to explain how 99% of men really do not wanna get married and it’s all peer pressure that makes them do it. That took me back to the night before I proposed; I’d not help thinking “why do I wanna get married to Princess Fiona?” U see from the first time I met her I never thot we’d embark on a relationship. I love my convenience - as anyone who’s been in a relationship with me can testify – and when we were introduced and I discovered she lived in the Far Far Away kingdom I knew we’d be good friends but there’d be no way in heck I’d travel that distance to go see her. Fast forward a few weeks and I am slaying dragons (i.e. talking to her while in the company of potential girlfriends), surmounting obstacles (i.e. Lagos traffic and potholes) and boldly going on quests (driving from the Island to the mainland at 2am) just to get next to her. Funny thang is I loved every minute of it, and that’s when I knew I had to forget my fantasy of being a bachelor for life, Nigeria’s bald answer to Mr. George Clooney if u may.

Two days after I proposed I started having panic attacks; maybe it was due to the number of family members calling to congratulate me. “WHAT HAVE I DONE?! FRIGGIN’ MARRIAGE IS NOT FOR ME. OH MAN, NOW BIMBO OLOYEDE (OF CHANNELS NEWS) IS NEVER GONNA FALL FOR MY CHARMS. OH THE PAIN, OH THE PAIN!!!!” Of course I didn’t share this with Princess Fiona. Didn’t think it was necessary as the thought of her smile and the way she ‘gets’ me and the way she laughs at my jokes soon made me realize there was nada to be scared of. If I was gonna take this leap into the great unknown then there was no one I’d rather take the trip with. Then came the hardest part of all, getting peeps to believe I was truly getting married. Dunno if it’s a sign inscribed on my head or what but NO ONE – apart from family who had been waiting for this moment forever or so it seems – believed me when I initially informed them of my impending nuptials. Yeah right…Isn’t that what u said last year and the year before?......As if….Who’d marry ur punk arse?!....For real? U really for real?!......Ha! if u get married I’ll lead a people-backed revolution in the Middle East. Okay I made the last one up but u catch my drift. Actually felt bad for Princess Fiona ‘cos we’d be out and about and I’d see someone I know and introduce her as my fiancée and they’d imply I was being facetious. Musta gotten to a point where she questioned if she made the right decision.

From when we commenced seeing each other I kept getting constant prods, almost as if God wanted me to be sure, really sure, I was ready for a this relationship. Princess Fiona and I caught a movie on our first date and who did I bump into while walking down the stairs? Neo (wearing an engagement ring) with her then fiancé now husband. We saw a play few months later and who’s seated two rows ahead of me? Ex-girlfriend numero diez. Fast forward to last pre-marital marriage counseling class in October and best mate of ex-girlfriend #11 shows up. And y’all still expect me to believe I am not starring in my very own Truman Show, huh? Even now a different person calls everyday just to remind me I am getting married, almost like a countdown. I KNOW I AM GETTING MARRIED PEEPS, STOP REMINDING ME!

Maybe it’s just me or maybe all men go through this, but found it a wee bit difficult to inform exes I am still cool with and/or coulda-been girlfriends I was getting married. Not like I expected them to slash their wrists or anything, just that, well, u know. Weird ‘cos these are peeps I hardly keep in touch with, but well, u know. I tried to put myself in their shoes and realized that ain’t analogous ‘cos I am pretty blasé about most things, and besides I have lost count of number of exes and/or coulda-been exes that are now married with kids. Consulted a mate that recently got hitched to enquire if it’s best to tell exes/coulda-beens or just let them find out for themselves. He didn’t offer much help, kept telling me how much he missed single life and how he invited an ex that dumped him to his wedding and ensured the DJ played Eric Benet’s When You Think Of Me so she’d barf. Okay then. Took the bull by the (no so pointy and sharp) horn and chose to inform chicks based on a game of chance: select a name from phone, toss a coin, heads Tunde tells u, tails u find out eventually. Worked out pretty well, so well in fact I am thinking of writing a how-to book complete with a commemorative coin collection (or The Circular Decider, as it will be known when my infomercial comes out).

Unlike peeps described earlier all exes/coulda-beens I contacted did believe I was getting married. Their responses ranged from I didn’t know u were THAT serious....congratulations to Is she Indian? to She must be a paragon of beauty…where/when/how did u meet her? to Praiseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!! to Nah, seriously, u mean she’s not Indian? The most shocking response was from a non-ex/never-coulda-been who dropped the phone on me and when I called back to be sure it wasn’t a network issue – Globacom’s service delivery has been downright atrocious the past few months – she started crying. “How could u do this to me”, she yelled. U what? This was someone I hadn’t seen/spoken to in almost a year and a half!

The conversations got me thinking about how my life coulda possibly taken a different path depending on something as little as a returned phone call or a positive affirmation from the opposite sex about my kooky dreams/hobbies. A cogent case is that of an ex that sent me a heartfelt email last summer about getting back together. Now though I’d sworn to myself I’da never get back with her trust me if I had received that message before I fell for Princess Fiona I probably would be dating her now. Funny ‘cos I had had a conversation with her earlier that year, five days before I was introduced to Princess Fiona to be exact, and she didn’t hint at anything. In her email she also acknowledged my subtle attempts at getting back with her, and how she purposely held back from meeting me half way. So I was THAT obvious?! No wonder mates would always inform me on the rare occasions they bumped into her. Either they knew I was hankering to get back with her or they just plain masochists who wanted to see the tortured look on my face. As one of said mates is Miguel’s sidekick I am going with the masochist angle. Then there’s the coulda-been I played relationship-tag with; whenever she was in a relationship I was single and vice versa. Now if there’s any coulda-been that, ahem, coulda been - geddit? hee hee - a serious threat to Princess Fiona it ~~coulda~~ woulda been her. Started out having a thang for her older sis but once I really got to know she was a cute polyglot with an amazing sense of humour she had me at hola. A relationship with her woulda been like the closest I’da gotten to dating myself. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder what mighta been, u know.

If I had to compile a list of greatest Sliding Doors scenarios she would top it; then aforementioned ex would be next; followed by Mama’s hot doctor friend (backed outta taking her to the movies ‘cos had a thang back then about not dating sisters’ friends); then Iwona (cute Polish exchange student I met during first year at Bradford….can’t remember why I didn’t make more of an effort); then my cougar obsession (if she wasn’t married….and if I didn’t know her kids); after that would be “my small wife” (Seyi’s friend I met when she was 9 or 10 and the nicest Xtian ever…would never have worked out due to my philandering ways); oh let’s not forget the proprietress of Abuja’s favorite delicatessen (another case of relation-tag); then Surulere’s favorite gap-toothed baker (more a case of being scared I would hurt her and ruin our friendship); then Sharon (Asian girl I met in London…real fun…couldn’t tell her folks she was hanging with a black guy); then Az (Asian also in London….couldn’t step to her ‘cos was her brother’s tutor…discovered she had feelings for me the day I was moving back to Nigeria…her mom’s the coolest); after that we have M-Fine (dated her sister’s best friend so we’da had to burn a whole lotta bridges in order to embark on a relationship); and finally there’s Tanya (African-American lady I met in the ATL who felt I was too young for her, she feels differently now).

Of course there are relationships I wish I never got involved in, but my major regrets are those where I ended up messing someone about. When I reminisce about those days it’s like an out-of-body experience; can’t believe I was that cruel to anyone, let alone someone I fancied. I had hoped to apologize for being a schmuck in front of a global audience during my Oscar acceptance speech but since the chances of that happening are slimmer than Patience Jonathan not being drawn to an open microphone the way moths are drawn to a flame I guess this blog entry will suffice. P.B., if u are reading this I truly am sorry and wish I could take it all back.

Speaking of regrets I also would love to know what I was thinking on those occasions when I took s$#t from the opposite sex. I remember I was at the cinema once with ex #11 watching Dreamgirls when she made me walk outta the movie to pick up some stuff from her best mate – same one I bumped into at pre-marital counseling - who was at the lobby. While taking the stairs to the lobby I kept thinking to myself, “Dude, ARE U INSANE?! It’s her bag for goodness sake, why couldn’t she leave the movie?” Got to the lobby and mate was so outraged ex #11 couldn’t be bothered to meet her she made me go back into the screening hall to bring her out. While walking back up the flight of stairs I kept thinking, “Dude, U’VE DEFINITELY lost it. Now u going back up like an errand boy. I betcha the dude with her best mate is wondering at what point ur balls got chopped off.” If that wasn’t bad enough she kept on piling more and more s$#t on me as the relationship wore on that one day I just couldn’t take it anymore. Unfortunately that day turned out to be her friend’s wedding where she was on the bridal train. I had flown in from PH to Lagos for the wedding yet I showed up extra late – chose to while away time by asking ex #10 out to lunch – even though I knew she wanted to introduce me to her friends, and spent time there being aloof and flirting with one of the chicks listed among the Sliding Doors top twelve. Later that evening it dawned on me I’d acted outta order so I called her up to apologize for my behavior….then told her I didn’t wanna be in a relationship anymore. In retrospect it was an ungentlemanly thang to do, but at the time seemed perfectly normal to me. Y’all now get why I don’t want any daughters, right? Yeah yeah I know I am getting married to someone’s daughter, and trust me I pray to God everyday I continuously treat her like a queen for the rest of our lives and never take her for granted. I also pray that exes I unknowingly hurt find it in their hearts to forgive me.

Less than a month to go before I get hitched and it’s still a bit surreal. Female friends keep asking about aso ebi details like I’d have a clue about such. All married male friends wanna know is the date and venue of the bachelor’s eve party, and though single male friends are just as interested in partying I find that a significant number of them also wanna know how I knew Princess Fiona was “the one”. Gave them the same cookie-cutter answer married mates gave me when I asked same question: u just know. That answer always pissed me off when I was single but now shoe’s on the other foot I can’t seem to give a discernible reason for my choice of bride. Wish I was a good enough writer to convey how I just knew I was ready to settle down or how I just knew Princess Fiona would do it for me. Guess it’s a combination of things: how easy it is to chill with her, way she gets on with family especially nieces and nephews, way she gets my kooky nature…..man, I best stop b4 I start sounding like those parents who think everything their kids do is magical/genius and proceed to bore u to death with uninspiring tales of their kids’ exploits. Who knows maybe u know ur lady is the right one if u find urself acting like said parents when talking about her qualities and u don’t feel a tinge of embarrassment either?

If that’s how one just knows then yup, I am definitely sure I wanna spend the rest of my life with Princess Fiona. One thing worries me though, I have never heard her poop or excuse herself to go poop. Takes me back to a Benny Hill sketch I saw as a kid: Benny meets this svelte lady at the beach and he asks her out. They go out on a date and she doesn’t eat only drinks water. They go on yet more dates and the same scene plays out again. By this time Benny realizes he loves this lady and proposes to her. Time for Benny to feed his wife cake at the wedding ceremony when svelte, previously timorous, lady pushes Benny outta the way and consumes mouthful after mouthful of wedding cake until she finally transforms into a plump, haggard ma’am. Now I ain’t scared that’s gonna happen to me but this no-poop thang has made me paranoid enough to officially request a warehouse full of bog roll as a wedding present. I am serious.

Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Reading through this blog entry again I find that the crux of it was on forthcoming wedding. If u are upset I apologize. Just to show my other interests haven’t been sidelined by wedding preparations here’s a summary of other stuff I still feel passionately about.

Entertainment: Two words: Charlie Sheen!!!!!

Sports: Derrick Rose is the man…though I still want the San Antonio Spurs to win the NBA title.

It took 14 years to get to this point but now I couldn’t care less about anything Arsenal Football Club gets up to. Memo to Arsene Wenger: U SUCK! I am tired of carrying around a lachrymatory anytime ur team plays. I give up. Either get urself an assistant with a modicum of tactical nous or quit. Dude, three things are constant in life: Death, Taxes, and Robin van Persie missing a significant amount of games due to injury. (U can add Walcott and Fabregas to that list if u like.) Pundits know this, opposing teams know this, even kindergarten kids know this. But do u plan for that at the beginning of the season? Non. Instead u go on about how “my boys are young”, sounding like punk ass David O’Leary during his Leeds United days. Ur boys are no longer young dude. Get ur act together and stop blaming referees, the pitch, the rainbow or whatever excuse ur warped mind – that suggests u only make substitutions after the 75th minute - comes up with. Here’s hoping all ur players sign for Manchester City. Hey, they are not gonna win anything anyways so why not double their wages while they are at it. Fini punk ARSEne, game over.

After a gazillion lessons I finally figured out the mechanics of a achieving a consistent golf swing. Now I don’t avoid my golf coach’s calls anymore. In fact I’da made him best-man at the wedding if I’d attained my swing last year. Who woulda thunk I’d get my golf mojo about the time the dude that inspired me to pick up a golf club, Tiger Woods, is losing his? In the circle of life/ It's the wheel of fortune/It's the leap of faith/It's the band of hope/Till we find our place/On the path unwinding/In the circle, the circle of life....

Regional politics: Gbagbo/Mugabe/Gaddafi, just leave, do not pass ‘Go’, do not pick up $200, just vanish.

Local politics: @ Chris Okotie. Really? Seriously?! U really think peeps are gonna vote for u based on that naff campaign ad? Tsk, tsk, tsk.

@ Dele Momodu. See above. Dude, ur campaign commercial sounds like it was sung by a hungry fuji musician. Really wanna change Nigeria? Pay ur fuji musician above minimum wage!

@ Nuhu Ribadu. Hire a campaign strategist who will prep u for debates. Duh!

@ Goodluck Jonathan. Have u no shame? U’ll do anything to become president, won’t u? Depleting the Excess Crude Account, closing down schools for a voters registration exercise, turning a blind eye to anti-democratic antics of ur party members; and yet u have the gall to roam around Nigeria promising heaven and earth to anyone who’d listen. And u expect me to believe u gonna serve one term? Pull the other one dude it’s got extra loud bells on it!
If ur year in office is anything to go by then Nigeria’s got its work cut out. Kindly leave the stage…and take ur wife with u. Oh by the way ur campaign jingles are quite catchy, but that whole ‘I am Goodluck Jonathan’ crap was done by Tiger Woods and Michael Jordan eons ago. U really want an eye-catching campaign ad? Google Ohakim, Ikedia.

@ Nigerians. What’s happening now reminds me of what a senior colleague said 3 years ago: Nigerians will do anything for money. It’s not poverty that makes us act the way we act, it’s pure unadulterated greed. Trust me if Lucifer appears with horns and a pitch fork and reveals to Nigerians his true identity, as long as he doles out money a vast majority will vote for him. “Vote SPP, Satan People’s Party. Person wey go chop frog make he chop one wey get egg. We don dey vote criminals before wey dey lie to us, but this na the baba of them all. At least he came out to confess who he really is. Vote for SPP jo.”
It’s high time we stopped voting for peeps just ‘cos of where they come from or how we are related to them. C’mon peeps! C’mon!

Articles of interest to moi (2010)

2010-12-15T05:30:00.000-08:00

The Cancun accord
Africa and carbon credits
Halli-bobo
Education reform
That's the spirit!
Amen
Spark!
Kenya's carbon exchange
Western Sahara struggle
The PUNK
NNPC's sad tale
Uganda's legerdemain
Nigeria Oil and Gas report
Whatever drugs Jonathan is on he'd seek help now. Punk ass punk. While we at it let's ban the National Assembly for being venal fools, the presidency for doing nada for Nigerians, PHCN for...dare I go on?
'Stupid' terrorist. Always listen to mama.
Talk about taking the piss. They should hide their head in shame.
Chickens coming home to roost
Oil sands to the rescue? Not!
Make of this what u will
This is what African Unity is supposed to be about
MathSP
Nigerian youth have had it up to here...and then some
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's SuperBlackman
Oh the driver's to blame? And the money y'all have been stealing ain't vile behaviour? F&@k u all
Stealing from the mouths of the poor? Proverbs 6:30! What's ur excuse?
Joe Gravity's new enterprise!
Time to review this
Nigerian Bush-Blair protest
PIB again
Yup, they never learn
USA's Special Designated Nationals list
When are African leaders gonna get it?
Myron Rolle: A Study In Tenacity
Congrats to Bayo Ogunlesi
Keeping companies honest?
What's ur name?
Oops, seems Uganda's primed to repeat Nigeria's mistakes
Oil impact warning
Subsidize This!
God bless Tony Dungy
Bloody, venal bastards
Thought I had seen everything, apparently I was wrong
When even Russians are opposing u for ur acts of repression, u know u doing something really wrong
Fal, fal, fal, false!
Anyone got spare cash to cop Oando shares?
Would the real Obasanjo please stand up
Ojo Maduekwe making a sure arse of himself some more with his full BBC interview
Ojo Maduekwe making a sure arse of himself
Jos crisis...again!
U gotta love Rick Reilly

No one wants to be the bad guy…..unless there’s an Academy Award nomination to be garnered

2010-11-13T08:39:00.000-08:00

Hola peeps. Before I apologize for my unnecessarily prolonged absence I first wanna wish my younger sis Seyi feliz cumpleaños. She turns 30 today and I wish her the best.
Now where was I? Yes, I have a valid excuse for not posting a blog entry since June - man, that’s over 5 months! It was due to pure, unadulterated laziness.

Yup. U’d see my huge stomach now; doing my utmost to get my mystical six-pack back, and boy is it difficult! From June until August work was crazy busy but then I took September off work to relax in Lagos and just when I had pumped up myself to return to the strains of the Niger Delta my boss called and suggested, nah mandated, I take my remaining vacation time – originally reserved for the Xmas holidays –as the R.I.G. I was scheduled for delayed its arrival into the country. As I type this the R.I.G. still ain’t here and I am going stir crazy in Warri. Been back 2 weeks and I have already made it to Lagos twice.

I went jogging at least once a week in September but October was where I disappointed myself. U know how those women in the movies binge on food after being dumped or left at the altar or just ‘cos it says so in the script, well the same happened to me after I was told to take an unplanned month off. Seems I am in a truly emotional relationship with my job, doesn’t it? I came to that realization during my 2-month break. In addition to that light-bulb moment I also discovered I am a talented prognosticator. U’d think during my 60 days of lounging I at least woulda blogged, right? Shameful. Gregory Maguire’s Wicked trilogy that I promised myself I’d read? Unread. New dance moves for my students on the R.I.G.? Unchoreographed.

My only success from 8 weeks of zzzzzz was getting my tee shirt designs made. Yes!!!! I finally did it peeps. It took 5 years of empty promises, 5 years of unreturned phone calls, 5 years of “My bro/sis/husband/cousin can do that for u, he’s quite talented” and discovering my arse hair had more talent than said relative, 5 years of wasted car trips when at the end of the trip I was forced to encourage myself, “oh well, at least her halitosis wasn’t as bad as the graphic designer I met two months ago”, 5 years of meeting peeps whose mouths were writing cheques their combined talent couldn’t cash, 5 years of wasted funds, 5 years of utter, utter agony. Yes, thank God Almighty I am free at last. Phew! Now the trick is to see it through unlike my ‘airline complaints website’ idea where I packed it in after the initial euphoria. So dear readers, if you want ur bespoke tees holler at ur fave lazy blogger.

Okay to show it was really work that kept me from blogging during the months of June through August here’s a snippet of a blog I started work on during that period:

It’s been a recurring theme this year where I publish a blog entry, apologize for the delay and promise not to repeat it again, and yet I do, and I do, and I do the same thing again like a recalcitrant nephew that knows his uncle Tunde would never punish him let alone carry out his threat to flog him with a cane. I sincerely apologize for staying away from y’all for so, so long and promise I’ll try to do better the next time.

The reason for the delayed responses? W-O-R-K. If it ain’t one thing it’s another. The workload’s been so intense I barely had time to zzzzz while on the R.I.G. Since last blog entry I have been on the R.I.G. twice, travelled to the UK once, travelled to Lagos from Warri four times, and seen my 12th nephew – yes, Ayo and Tinuke gave birth to a baby boy a week after Tayo and Keji had Tife. Oh yes, after last blog entry the BP well in the Gulf of Mexico was successfully capped. And now the news cycle has moved on from that to hourly updates of the Floridian pastor who planned to burn copies of the Koran on the ninth anniversary of the World Trade Center disaster. “To build an Islamic community center or not to build an Islamic community center; that is the question”. Shakespeare woulda had a field day with that line if his play were entitled ‘Hamed’. Thank goodness Wyclef Jean’s decided to run for the Haitian presidency else the Haitian earthquake woulda remained in the dark recesses of our mind.

Say what u want but human nature’s resilient, okay u can swap resilient for selfish. I lost an older cuz last week and at the funeral I almost shed a tear. Was crazy, crazy sad to see the children this 47 year-old lady left behind, but as soon as I returned home my mind switched gear from loss to the exhilaration at the thought of the upcoming Arsenal vs Bolton game after being deprived of EPL action for two weeks. U see? It’s a human thang. If u ever felt peeps would mourn for days after u died, or girls would go crazy after u got married just know it ain’t gonna happen. Peeps would move on with little or no remorse; it’s just the way we are wired.

As expected I gorged on movies whenever I was away from the R.I.G. Best movie I saw in three months? Inception. Chris Nolan proved once again that intelligent film-making does exist. Great script, great cast, great twist….unlike that crap Avatar that keeps doing my head in. Now I hear they making Avatar 2. Aaaarrrgggghhh!!! Worst movie I saw? Definitely Paranormal Activity. I thot I’d not fall for the hype ever again after the abysmal The Blair Witch Project. Even the cinema attendant advised me not to see Paranormal Activity, but I ignored him and wasted two hours of my life I’ll never get back. Awful, awful movie. Man, that girl could whine. “Micah this, Micah that…..” Bill Simmons got it right when he said that movie proved once again that the average guy would do anything for woman with big boobs. “My girlfriend is possessed….maybe I’d leave her, but then again where else would I find her, ahem, peculiar assets around here outside of a Hooters restaurant? Nah I’ll stay just for a few more days….” Awful, awful movie.

I haven’t done this in a while so let’s revisit my old blog format:

PH news: In the early part of the year I hardly visited PH due to work commitments but in the past few months I have been to PH more times than I can remember. The roads are somewhat better, but all remains the same. Traffic’s atrocious, power supply’s non-existent, and mates are still as weird as ever. The first day I arrived PH logged on to the firm network to find that an older colleague had sent a message to all in the department: “If u are reading this that means you are at work while I am on vacation. Needed to rest my head so took a break. I’d advise y’all to do the same. See y’all in two weeks.”

If I was in the US I’d be wary of that dude going ‘postal’ soon, but got reassured that us Nigerians don’t go to such lengths. It’s this age of Twitter and Facebook and keeping everyone informed with everything u do that’s causing this. I know I sound like a curmudgeon but it’s my time of the month, what can I do? Another common peeve is when those married folk at work try to make us singletons feel bad by copying everyone when they going on maternity/paternity leave. Soon I am gonna mock them by sending one of my own: “A bouncing baby boy has just been added to my household. Mistress, father (i.e. me), and baby are fine. Wife’s not too pleased and who can blame her? Meanwhile, I am hoping and praying bad stuff would happen to nagging mother-in-law….” Just waiting until I secure an alternative source of income b4 I send that email out, u know just in case those dudes don’t have a sense of humour.

Went to a bachelor’s eve party where the main organizer showed up even though his wife was at the hospital with labour pains. When I asked dude why he wasn’t at her side he said he suspects she’s acting up ‘cos she wasn’t keen on his attending the party. Well, wouldn’t u know that his wife gave birth to their first baby while dude was holding some random chick’s waist. Ha huh ha huh ha. See why I miss PH?!

A few days later mate took me out for his boss’s leaving do and made the worst mistake of all by trying out the ice cream on offer. Uuuggghhhh. It shoulda been called ‘colored ice’ instead. Only in PH…and maybe Warri…and yeah okay Bayelsa can non-sweet ice cream exist. (That reminded me of the colored moth balls I copped some months back in Lagos. That’s the worst invention since those crap stuff they make infomercials about. Shoulda been wary of them after I saw them in the ‘Reduced To Clear’ basket. Friggin’ colored moth balls have stained my clothes and forced a brother to spend twice as much on drycleaning.)

Remember mate who got married December 2007? Yeah, same dude whose baby’s gender I predicted? Well his wife was preggers with their second child and who do u think correctly predicted she’d have a girl? Yup, urs truly. In fact I was so confident I copped baby girl clothes while on vacation in the UK in July. Dude was so impressed he suggested I give Paul the Octopus a run for his money. Ha. Ever since his baby was born I have thot long and hard about it and trying to find a way to use my gift for the good of mankind. Even thot of making a costume with the inscription ‘PJ’ across the chest but then that’d be just naff…..except I get the right set of durable briefs to wear over the costume. The briefs have gotta be able to withstand the elements and u don’t want kids moaning that Nigeria’s newest superhero wears dirty drouse, do u? (Oh just in case y’all were wondering ‘PJ’ stands for Prophet Joseph. Seems apt with my Xtian name being Joseph, and like me my biblical namesake always predicted stuff happening in the future sorta like a Prophet. Okay I know it’s a corny name but it was either that or ‘BGPM’ i.e. Baby Gender Predicting Man.)

So y’all see? I sorta made an effort, right? Am I forgiven now? Awww, thanks. Since last ‘attempted’ blog entry younger bro Jide’s gotten married and that leaves Loye and moi as the only dudes in singledom. Laughed out loud when we were cracking on each other and dude suddenly turned serious by giving Loye advice on choosing a bride. Ha huh ha huh ha. Youngest bro Jide’s truly an anomaly; he got married at 27 while oldest bro Tayo didn’t get married until he was 31, Kinzo was a month shy of his 34th birthday when he got hitched, and Ayo walked down the aisle at 33. Glad he did it though ‘cos he had dated Bussie forever; I wish them the best. What I am most curious about is finding out how Jide’s gonna cope without Loye; those two are two peas in a pod. Now that Jide’s moved out of the house it would also make an interesting experiment to see if their room, now solely occupied by Loye, would get tidier; if it remains the same or gets worse, if that’s at all possible, then we can conclude in all likelihood Loye’s the untidy one that influenced Jide negatively.

Going over ‘attempted’ blog entry again it occurred to me that I did not expatiate on my travels. Guess I am not the lapidary storyteller I think I am. Hmmm, is that gonna make me halt my TV show idea now that my tee shirt scheme is up and running; what about my hilarious sketch for a male stripper that discovers religion but is still consumed by his profession, or the one about a heterosexual dude with a medical condition that causes his pee to smell like poo and his failed attempts at convincing all he ain’t gay, or the one where a couple try to spice up their sex life with edible undies only they got a bad batch that’s soiled with pee, or the one where I shoot a 3D movie where all I do is spit at the camera and if it’s a hit I make a sequel where I hire R.Kelly to pee at the camera? Nah, maybe an attempt at making blog entries less turgid would help refine filmmaking process. Yeah, I’ll try that, here goes… During trip to the UK I experienced:

1. The Ghost. My very own Paranormal Activity, only I did not have a camera to record the goings-on. A few days into my stay took out 400 quid from the bank, left 160 quid at home and went away for a few days. When I returned home I couldn’t locate the money…..well, for one couldn’t remember where I kept it. Searched everywhere and diddly squat. Now seeing as I was the only one with keys to the crib who else woulda taken funds but ‘The Ghost’.
If that was not enough when weighing suitcases at home – don’t wanna be one of those Nigerians that’s pulling stuff out of suitcases at airport – discovered there was a weight discrepancy depending on the room the weighing took place. In the room downstairs my suitcase weighed 20kg while same suitcase weighed 12kg in the hallway. It’s ‘The Ghost’ I tell ya. Currently trying to get in touch with Andrew Lloyd Webber…..

2. Kirk Franklin/Neyo hybrid. Went to some dingy club in London and music wasn’t so good at the start. Kept myself entertained by laughing at some dude with a Bobby Brown haircut – if u old school u know what I mean – and a perma-grin on his face that danced as if his right hand was on fire. Then, my night got even better after some chick who was dancing as if she was constipated abruptly sat down after she noticed another chick walk into the club with exact dress she had on; same colour, same frills at the shoulders, same everything. Hee hee. Comedy trifecta was complete after the music improved. There I was getting my steps on when I noticed a Kirk Franklin lookalike dressed like Neyo trying to do Neyo’s patented faux Michael Jackson moves. Man, that was an enjoyable night that temporarily made me forget about ‘The Ghost’ until the end of the night when I discovered 20 quid missing from my wallet. Damn money-nicking ghoul!

3. Zane’s BB addiction. “Hi all, my name is Zane and I am a BB addict”. Yup, my 7 year-old nephew’s a BlackBerry addict. Dude nicks his mom’s BB, creates Arsenal-related groups and invites everyone on her contact list. It was cute at first but now u just wanna wring his neck after ‘pings’ that keep one awake at night. Yeah, also discovered he’s a fan of Justin Bieber….yup, he’s definitely dropped a few notches on my cool nephew quotient. Erm, if u are keeping score out there Timayo currently has the highest CNQ, while Chinedu has the lowest for bursting into tears anytime he sees me.

Yeah, think that’s about it. Hey, not such a bad blogging experience after being out for so long, huh? See you guys soon…hopefully. Hee hee hee. Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Pssstttt….forgot to mention I also got engaged during 2-month break. Can u believe it, I am gonna be someone’s husband!!!!

Druzhba druzhba no sluzhba sluzhba

2010-06-05T09:11:00.000-07:00

Hola peeps. Si solamente podría ser donde quiero estar…..

Currently in Warri wrapping up a course. Man, after the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico the bossman has decided to take advantage of the predicament by getting us ‘elite’ dancers training in animal rescue. I think he envisions us rescuing marine life from the oil polluted waters of the Niger Delta, and when the TV crews appear we find an excuse to take off our shirts and start dancing all soaked in oil like those boy band videos where folk seem to magically find themselves dancing in the rain with the wind blowing their shirts open. No gainsaying he was influenced by those old Diet Coke commercial with the Etta James soundtrack. Yup, that’s who I gotta work with for the rest of the year, good ol’ Mr. Unoriginal.

The course wasn’t all that bad and ‘cos we had an exam yesterday morning I got to catch up on zzzzz for most of the afternoon and worked out in the evening. Can’t remember the last time I really strained myself like that but it was worth it. Can already feel outline of six-pack developing. Gimme a few more weeks like this and Ab Fab Tunde will be back in full effect. Then I might take a leaf outta Mr. Unoriginal’s book and spill a drink on shirt wherever I go. Hee hee. Also decided to go jogging with workout mate about 6am this morning and dude wanted us to “take things easy” so as not to overstrain muscles. “Take it easy? Yeah right. I am Ab Fab Tunde for goodness sake! The word ‘easy’ ain’t in my vocabulary darn it.” While I started jogging the dude maintained he was gonna take a power walk instead.
Pardon moi? A friggin’ power walk? This ain’t the friggin’ Olympics, is it? Power walk indeed. That’s for wusses. I don’t even get why they attribute the word “power” to such lame efforts. Instead of accepting that they too lazy to go running or jogging they use the term “power walk”; u too lazy to stay awake at work u sneak off to a corner to have a “power nap”; u too wimpy to drive a real man’s car u cop one equipped with “power steering”……I’d go on and on.

“Power walk indeed”, I jeered at him. “U know what would be ace? A competition on ESPN where people could take, wait for it, power doodles! Think about it since we have Poker and the Spelling Bee and Fly-fishing and other crap competitions on ESPN why not have one where peeps get to ‘laxatize’ – that’s my word by the way – themselves and then we watch how many power dumps they can take within a specified time period. Wanna tell me u wouldn’t watch that show? Man, that’s a money making venture I tell ya, I’d be writing these ideas down. Well, since u going on ur power walk maybe u’d power walk ur way to ur room and power write my idea on a sheet of paper. I promise to power share my proceeds with u. Ha.”

And so I went on my merry way while mate shook his head in amazement. Four laps later I was outta breath and wished I had listened to mate about not going all out after not having vigorously exercised in a long while. While embarking on the fifth lap I felt doodle pangs but ignored them ‘cos like I mentioned in last blog entry I’d gotten used to holding doodle in as some form of twisted self entertainment. No sooner had I thought to myself, ”Hmmm, maybe a better idea for that ESPN show would be to see which of the laxatized folk could hold doodle in the longest”, when doodle pangs became worse. The pangs were concentrated on the bottom left side of my stomach. Uh oh that’s the splatter doodle section!

I made a quick turn and headed straight for my chalet. Was running like I stole something and an angry mob was after me. When it seemed the doodle would drop any minute I slowed down and attempted to do a horse trot thang in the hope it would force the doodle back up the anal cavity. Didn’t work one bit. Knew it was just a matter of time b4 doodle would come rushing out like a chariot and splatter across underwear and jogging shorts so I prayed to God to make sure no one would be around to witness my shame. Splatter doodle did arrive as expected exactly 24.4 secs before I got to entrance to the chalet. Cupped left hand over shorts to prevent any doodle from splattering on the floor while I fumbled with keys in a vain attempt to open chalet door as quietly as possible so as not to alert anyone about u know what. Finally forced door open, rushed into bathroom and pulled down shorts. Doodle splattered everywhere, and by everywhere I mean E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E: the floor, the loo cover, the walls, the sides of the wash hand basin. If I wasn’t there to witness it I would not have believed it was possible. It was like one of those awful pieces that would cost a bucket load if it was exhibited in the Museum of Modern Art or some other pretentious gallery.

Washed out stained clothes and spent another half hour cleaning up the bathroom so the cleaning lady wouldn’t gimme funny looks and start peddling rumours that I can’t control my bowels. Now that I think of it, why am I revealing all these to y’all?! Guess it’s better this than which members of my family I like best. After last blog entry I’d not help but ponder that, especially the bond/love between a parent and a child and at what point a parent decides to give up on a child. Was in church last week when they showed a recording of a lady members of the church had encouraged to come out of the drug den she was residing at, and rehabilitated her. When she went back home her dad confessed he had given up all hope on her ‘cos her drug dependency had brought continued disgrace to the family. I couldn’t help but feel for the dude. Kinda like the father of the prodigal son in the Bible or how God always finds the grace to forgive us no matter how many times we screw up. Seems there’s something about birthing a child from ur loins that keeps tugging at ur heart saying, “Give them another chance.”

Bringing that home to my immediate family I can’t help but give Chief props for the stuff he goes thru on our behalf sometimes. I know dads who wash their hands off the children once they done educating them, but not Chief. Of course it can get a bit grating at times when he continuously pesters u about marriage, or strikes up in-depth conversations with ur date - So what degree did u come out with? And ur genotype again is? - hoping that’d make the chick feel like ‘family’ and thus pressure her into asking u when y’all are gonna get married. (Nice one Chief, but Ab Fab Tunde don’t go down that ~~easily~~ simply. Did I ever tell u the word ‘pressure’ ain’t in my vocabulary?) But we all know he means well.

Sorry to get all soppy on y’all, but during 3 week stay in Lagos I bonded with nephews and nieces a lot – oh yeah Tayo and Keji had a son earlier in the week so for those of y’all who have lost count that makes it 11 nephews and 2 nieces and counting – and couldn’t get enough of them. I think I’ve passed the stage from uncle who wants to joke around with them and stuff them with ice cream and candy to uncle who cares deeply about them that he ensures he always includes a book in their presents and wouldn’t mind changing their diapers (if there was no one else around). Was kinda disappointed when I came back home one evening and discovered Seyi’s son Nitor had returned to his home ‘cos there’s no one bugging me to kick around a soccer with him; with Kemi’s twins I am always prepared to be chased around the place; with Tayo’s kids I know I am gonna be interrogated about my decision to wear a stud in my ear and what year I am getting hitched; with Kinzo’s son Kanye (aka Koyinsola) I know I am gonna have to sneak out of his crib when he ain’t looking so he doesn’t cry. Each one brings something special to the table and…..wait, I NEED to tell y’all about Kanye’s hot nanny! Trust me if good nannies weren’t so difficult to find in Lagos I am sure Kinzo’s wife woulda found an excuse to let go off her. I even think my bro Loye fancies her. Ha. To be honest sis-in-law seems to be oblivious about the nanny’s looks, but during one of my visits to their crib I overheard her mates titter and the following conversation ensured:

Married woman 1: Did u see the butt on the nanny? Take a quick look, she’s coming by again.
Married woman 2: Chai! I don’t care how good she is, ain’t no way she can work at my house. O ti o. Not with my randy husband around. The dude would find an excuse to drive home for lunch daily.
Married woman 1: Are u telling me?! And she’s light skinned too, so even more attractive. Chei, only God will save us from good looking helps.
Married woman 2: Amen o. Thank goodness we are still in the first half of the year.
Married woman 1: What do u mean?
Married woman 2: Me I tend to get the shivers once December comes around because I know I am gonna have to start sharing some of the chores with the help. That way I hope to cajole her into coming back to me after she’s goes to her people for the Xmas holidays.
Married woman 1: Yes o. I totally forgot about that. Last year I had to buy new clothes for my help and even gave her perfume, but she didn’t return.
Married woman 2: They know what they are doing. From what I hear they don’t wait ‘til the end of the year no more. My friend played a subtle trick on her help on April 1st. She told her the family had decided to relocate to the US and wanted to know if she’d like to move with them. Ha ha, of course the foolish girl said yes. My friend then told her to contact her people so she’d start processing a passport for her. It wasn’t ‘til the mumu girl had spent over N200 on airtime that my friend burst out laughing and told her it was an April Fool’s joke. The nanny quit and moved out of the house that day!

I couldn’t help but crack up. Yup, Lagos women now regard the domestic staff as competition. Hee hee.

Sorry where was I? Oh yes. One thing I fear about the next generation is they might end up being wusses. The other day I was at Tayo’s when his daughter Tishe said some boy in her class dissed her so she called him a “poo poo brain”. The purblind thing was oh so proud of herself for coming up with such a clever putdown that her mom and moi looked at each other and shook our heads. Poo poo brain? For real? Man, such a weak phrase would get one beaten up more in my day. Another time Tishe’s younger bro Timayo was being stubborn when his dad threatened to “take down one star” if he didn’t behave himself. Dude immediately calmed down. Turns out the school teacher had told the parents to give them a star – either u construct one from cardboard or just paint one on paper – whenever they do something right and take down a star when they behave wrong. At the end of the week one counts the stars and then gives them a reward like extra TV viewing hours, ice cream, etc., based on the number of stars they accumulate. U what? A friggin’ star? Oh man, if that was me as a kid and I knew I’d not get a flogging for my intransigence, just a star removed from the board, I’da continued what I was doing until I wore myself out.

To further reinforce my belief that Tishe and Timayo aren’t a one-off bro-in-law Elvis confirmed someone younger than Nitor once pushed his head against the wall and Nitor cried and ran into his mom’s arms instead of pushing back. Oh my. Last week I was visiting Kinzo and carrying Tommy (his latest son) when Tommy’s older bro Kanye came over and tried to get his fave uncle’s attention by slamming a baby rattle on Tommy’s done. Kinzo dragged him away and told him to face the wall. Immediately Kanye burst into tears until his nanny – did I mention she was smoking hot? – came by and took him to have his meal. Wait, all I gotta dude is face the wall? No spanking? I’da grown up in this generation. Yeah I’da ended up a wuss but at least my skin wouldn’t bear any tell tale signs of bruising. Seriously though how would these guys know what to do if they got into a fight? Thank goodness the days are long gone when families went to war over something silly like an insult or a water well, else the next generation of males would be toast. Even worse, since they are handsome who’s to say the conquering family/tribe mightn’t make them eunuchs? Ouch. Double ouch.

Chilling with the little ones kinda made me think about getting hitched myself so decided to get everything else in place so when my head eventually catches up with my erratic heart/emotions I would hit the ground running. By ‘everything else’ I mean a crib of my own. Since it would be a loser’s game to pay rent in Warri and Lagos I decided to shop for a crib in Lagos. So contacted a few mortgage companies and still trying to work out how best to raise funds. Also got in touch with a few realtors and the experience left me convinced there’s a special spot in hell reserved for used car salesmen and realtors. Can someone please tell me how the rest of the Lagos metropolis is “10 mins from Victoria Island”? When one enquires further they’ll offer the “what we meant was our property is 10 mins from Victoria Island if there’s no traffic” excuse. I see, so u are saying I’d only leave my crib on Sundays, right? Even that’s a stretch! Except I am piloting a military jet ain’t no way I’d get from Victoria Island from Ajah in 10 mins. The punks!

Anyways I am not giving up on this whole house idea being a great one. Yup, even if I have to get a mortgage it’d be judicious use of my funds as opposed to what is currently happening with debtors giving me the runaround. Did I ever tell u I seem to have become the lender of first resort to so-called mates who never pay back? When I complained about this to another mate he nodded his head in agreement a few times, and before he left he asked for a loan. I kid you not. What the beep?!!! For goodness sake this ish has to stop! If I gotta take assertiveness classes to get my money back or learn to say no to people, then so be it.

Sometime back I got a call from some dude I had supervised on the R.I.G. Hadn’t seen or heard from him in ages so was kinda shocked he had my number. To cut a long story short he gave a sob story and I handed over some money. Less than two weeks after that a colleague of his whom I hadn’t been in contact with for a similar length of time gives me a bell. Talk about taking the piss. I’d understand if they asked for a loan and as at when due contacted me to explain the difficulties they encountered in not getting entire sum back to me. But what I have now is shifty ass punks who get a loan and then act as if they won the lottery. If u one of them and u reading this just wanna let u know I am trying to eat properly – just came up with a recipe for the world’s first diet donut – so when I work out it’s muscle mass I am building, and if u don’t pay up soon I am gonna start taking steroids as well. Oh man, u don’t wanna be owing me money when my neck disappears and I go from cute Ab Fab to Incredible Hulk Tunde. Don’t say u weren’t warned.

Tot ziens and God bless.

Nobody loves me but my mother / And she could be jivin’ too

2010-05-07T06:36:00.000-07:00

Hola peeps. ¿Qué excusas son yo que va a ofrecer este vez?

Boss: I bet u wondering why I called u guys here.
Tunde: To convince us about the merits of working in this new department of the firm?
Boss: Yes, but……
Tunde: Sir, I don’t really know what was wrong with the old system. U really think creating a group of ‘elite’ strippers is gonna help with camaraderie in the pit? It’s just an excuse to fleece our regular clients into coughing out more dough. My clients are like family to me sir, sure they pinch my bum, rub my six-pack, and place dollar bills in my extra tight g-string, they still like family. I think of them like the sexy older neighbor that, ahem, touched me inappropriately when I was 3 years old.
Boss: Okayyyyyy then. U done? Wanna see a shrink? Like I was saying u guys should be proud u’ve been selected to be a part of the ‘elite’. …..

Dude then went on proffering crazier and crazier analogies to convince us to go along with him for the ride, “separating the wheat from the chaff…….the goat from the sheep……” , I had to stop the dude when he was about to delve into the Bible to justify why certain strippers should charge premium rates and others shouldn’t.

Boss: I am from Benin, in fact I am a member of the Bini royal family. When u hear of the Benin kingdom what comes to your mind?
Tunde: U mean Benin in Edo State?
Boss (*seemingly pleased with himself I was finally paying attention to him*): Yes son, Benin. What comes to your mind when u hear the word ‘Benin’?
Tunde (*being totally honest*): Er, bad roads and bad governance?
Boss (*wondering if he’d murder me and get away with it*): What the f%$k?! How old are u again? LOOK WHAT I WAS TRYING TO REFER TO WAS THE ANALOGY OF BEING TRIED BY FIRE. THE BINI KINGDOM IS RENOWNED FOR BRONZE FIGURINES. TO MAKE A BEAUTIFUL BRONZE SCULPTURE U NEED TO PASS IT THRU FIRE. THAT’S WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY. IF U JOIN THIS ELITE TEAM IT MIGHT SEEM LIKE U PASSING THRU FIRE BUT U’LL COME OUT THE BETTER FOR IT AT THE END. FORGET IT, I DUNNO WHY I’M CONSULTING U IN THIS. U EITHER AGREE TO JOIN THIS TEAM OR U FIND ANOTHER JOB!

That’s what happened the first time I met with new supervisor. I didn’t make a good first impression as u can read, and even worse I think I am gonna be forever in his bad books ‘cos dude’s been insisting he NEEDS to be updated about my every action:

“Yes sir, I just gave ur wife’s friend a lapdance and got a tip of $10………”
“Sure, whatever u say sir. It’s a good idea to pretend I got Parkinson’s so when I knock a glass of champagne from a client’s hands she won’t get angry. Yes, that way she’d have to buy another drink and that’d be a great way to generate extra funds for the club in these dire times……. ”

Man, been so long since I wrote to y’all I had to review last blog entry to realize how long it’s been. Yup, over 2 months since last entry. Peeps, it ain’t that I haven’t wanted to communicate, just that working under this dude is driving me crazy. Have had discussions with mates about setting up own outfit but we lack funds. I know Nigerian banks have started lending again but don’t think they’ll look too favorably on a stripper who wants to branch out on his own. Besides……hold on…..just got word Yar’Adua has passed away. Feel bad for the dude. If his wife ever loved him it musta been a long time ago ‘cos her recent actions never showed she felt a modicum of affection towards him. All newspaper headlines today were about Yar’Adua’s demise. Most laughable one read Yar’Adua Dead At Last. At last?! What gives? Guess since no one’s seen him since November last year, and with the way he’s been hidden from the populace, speculation about his death has been rife for months now. What a sad way to go. Now Jonathan’s doing populist things like asking folk to stop visiting him and stop placing congratulatory ads in the papers. Like I’d fall for that again. Abacha did it, and so did Yar’Adua. Crap, crap, crap. That’s ‘cos us Nigerians get impressed by meaningless overtures. Dude’s also made himself defacto Minister of Power. The power situation’s as crap as ever so he gonna sack himself? The punk.

So where was I? Yes, this new department has left me soulless and my love for the fine art of exotic dancing almost extirpated. So much so that I stopped working out and kept eating whatever was put in front of me. It wasn’t til I finished a large pack of Skittles by myself I realized I needed help. Now I am working extra hard to get in shape and made the stupid mistake of jogging at noon yesterday when the sun was crazy hot. I nearly passed out after 4 laps. I’ll get back to normal soon though, I know I will. I am currently on a 3-week break from work and being in Lagos is sure to motivate me to get six-pack back. How else am I suppose to wear muscle tees, with a protruding belly?!

Speaking of tees I could almost taste it u know. Could almost smell my tee shirt designs, already pictured myself wearing them, then poof the feeling disappeared. Did I tell y’all about a great graphic designer I met while on holiday in the UK? Dude was keen; and even better he was young and seemed to get what I wanted. Like a true Nigerian I kept asking him for a ballpark figure on how much he’d charge per design. He kept changing the topic until after I had fallen for two of the designs he did. Final price? Two hundred and fifty pounds sterling per design. U what? Yup. I know my plan was not to make money with tees, I just wanted to start a conversation, but this price was wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy higher than anything I’da come up with. Even Giorgio Armani wouldn’t charge that. When I expressed my reservations at the price his email responses got terser and terser. Now I’ma have to find another graphic designer without a chip on his shoulder. Wish me luck.

Maybe it’s the new boss or my frustration at not having tees ready, but mind’s been tricks on me lately. Ever thot u had on underwear when u really didn’t? That happened to me the other day and I ended up flashing peeps ‘cos wore my pajama shorts, the one with holes around the crotch area, while lazying around the crib. And wouldn’t u know it, that was the day my mom’s hot friend chose to visit. There I was trying to have a grown up conversation with her, so she wouldn’t think I was still li’l Tunde whose diapers she changed, when I noticed she kept avoiding eye contact. Thot it was ‘cos she didn’t want me to see the, ahem, lust in her eyes. How wrong I was, how terribly wrong.

Fared much better when I went to see mate’s mom – I made sure I had underwear on this time - who I have a massive crush on. Heard she loves chocolate cake so I got neighbor to bake her one from scratch for her birthday. U’da seen the look on her face when I presented her the cake.

Hot mate’s mom: Oh Tunde, u shouldn’t have. I probably need to stay off this as my waistline’s bulging.
Tunde (*trying to sound confident*): No, Mrs. ___________. Maybe next year I’d get you a mirror ‘cos no way u not looking ace. Erm, not that I noticed or anything.
Hot mate’s mom (*blushing*): Hee hee. U joker u.

Well, mate had probably noticed the hound dog expression on my face and wasn’t too pleased. She blew her top and probably can’t blame her as think I am getting too obsessed. “How come u only come visiting when my mom’s at home?”, she shouted. I knew then that no excuse I could give would ameliorate the image she had of me. I really need to check myself as recent fondness for gray-haired ladies is affecting my social life. Peep this: I called a mate on her birthday and asked if she got any special gifts, u know being her 30th birthday and all. “Well my lovely husband got me this metal contraption on four wheels.”
“U mean he got u the latest model Zimmer frame? The Zimmer 240X? Why would he do that?”
“Huh? U so funny. I meant he got me an automobile.”

I tried to lay it off like I was being facetious, but truly my mind went to the latest model Zimmer frame I had come across online while searching for presents for aforementioned mate’s chocolate cake loving mom. See why my social life’s in disarray? Almost not sure how to interact with young ladies anymore. I have recently found myself doing the same ol’ two-step my dad does when he dances. Yup, same ol’ two-step I promised myself I’d never do. I have also found myself unable to control my butt muscles so I fart badly and then foolishly think by jabbering profusely I can get peeps’ mind off fart or stop their noses from working. As if.

Cos of lack of excitement on the R.I.G. – blame it on new boss - I chose to live on the edge with doodle pangs. Twice almost dropped one in my undies, and once did a spray fart. But most embarrassing day was on April 7th when I not only kept doodle in I got cocky with it too. So I am almost at bursting point when I rush to assigned room on the R.I.G., try to take off my tight ass corduroy pants, but only succeeded in getting one leg out and other leg trapped. Practised panting like pregnant women during labour – saw these in the movies - and that relieved the momentary pain – oh yeah remind me to tell y’all a new way to cure hiccups I just discovered – and then I get the other pant leg off and dash to the loo. Slight problem: no bog roll to lay on toilet seat.

So I go back to my primordial instincts from boarding school on how to take a dump without sitting on the toilet seat and start dropping doodle bombs like a WWII aerial battle. A slight impasse and then I remember there’s bog roll in my rucksack – if ur stomach’s as sensitive as mine u tend to be prepared more than boys scouts – so I strut (yup, u read that right) to my bag and then walk around the room and try to do some exercise by lifting dumb bells, that’s when doodle pangs came back. Rushed off to the loo and without warning an orphan doodle fell from anus and landed on toilet seat. Oh my.

I look at the doodle, the doodle looks back at me; I stare at the doodle, it stares back at me. Didn’t wait for the theme song from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly to start playing in my head – these things happen – before I grabbed some bog roll, made an origami scoop out of it and wiped the toilet seat like crazy. Laid some new bog roll on seat and finished my business, all the time relaying the highlights of my latest doodle adventure. Flushed and as it turns out the bog bowl water’s quite warm and it splashes around my nether regions. “Aaaah the pleasures of doodling, maybe I’d get myself a mobile bidet”, I say out loud to no one in particular. That’s when I realized I needed to get back to work. So jumped in the shower, still recalling the doodle event and thanking God I didn’t poo in the boxer shorts I just dropped off to be laundered. 5 minutes in the shower and water stops running. So I use the towel to wipe my face, wrap the towel around my waist and I walk to the gate house where some dude apologises and turns water back on. What a day that was! And y’all still maintain there ain’t a Tunde version of The Truman Show out there. As if. Maybe I’d get doodle-straining to be a televised sport with its own tourney. I mean if Poker, the Spelling Bee, and then Rock, Paper, Scissors can be aired on ESPN what’s stopping this?

Since last blog entry I have been on two tours of the R.I.G. and man, this was the worst time ever. In his bid to “refine me thru fire” bossman ensured I was housed in a room behind the generator house so only way I’d sleep is with ear muffs. One week the shower only had boiling hot water while the wash hand basin had both hand and cold water faucets, so u can imagine how ingenious I had to be to remain clean and yet avoid being scalded. Another week shower had only freezing cold water while wash hand basin had even more freezing cold water. If the bossman was hoping this would make me cower and plead with him he had another thing coming. Dunno if they changed chefs but the food was even more atrocious on the R.I.G. with the chef’s crowning piece de resistance being cornflakes embedded in icing on cake served to the crew on Easter Sunday. Yup, friggin’ cornflakes! The bright side of all of this is I now have enough material to pen that self-help book I always thought was in me. Don’t have a title yet but possible chapters could be Chapter 1 - The Joys Of Hunger: A Million Runway Models Can’t Be Wrong; Chapter 2 – Famine or Farming: Coincidence that both words rhyme?, etc. Might also have the makings of valuable research material ‘cos I also noticed a large number of peeps stutter on the R.I.G. and I find myself stuttering when I am around them. This might finally explain why all Area Boys talk with the same gruff voice, irrespective of ethnicity, and most gay folk talk with a lisp. Ka-ching!

Oh yeah, remember many many blogs ago when I told y’all I met some dude on the R.I.G. who said he’d tell I’d marry an ugly chick? Well, wouldn’t u know it, I bumped into him during last R.I.G. tour. First thang dude wanted to know was if I was married. When I told him I wasn’t he berated me and decided he knew why I was still single. “Lemme tell u, u are afraid to get married because u don’t know if any woman that wants to be with you now really likes u for u, or for ur money.” U don’t say, o wise man from the East. Please tell me more sensei. Dude then went on to juxtapose my commitment phobia with the dire state of Nigeria - where do I meet these people? - and suggested Nigeria’s problem stems from the fact that we achieved independence from the colonialists too early. So if I relate that back to my unmarried status, does that mean I started dating too early? Come on wise man from the East, help a brother out! Ha.

Great thing about the dude though is his declaration way back when about my getting hitched to an ugly chick actually gave me an idea for a tee shirt design, so guess it wasn’t a total waste listening to him after all. While complaining about lack of progress in getting TV sketch show to air and affordable graphic designer to a mate in Lagos recently she shrugged and said, “since u seem closer to getting tee shirts made than TV show how about u transform ur ideas for sketches on the tees? That way if there’s a welcome response to the tees u have a formidable bargaining chip when talking to those looking for TV content.” Hmmmm….that sounds like a plan. So if any of y’all can suggest ways to get the following ideas on tees I promise to share all merchandising profits with y’all (if u can locate me in Brazil that is):

1. U have heard of wine tasters, how about a garri connoisseur talking about “body”, year of manufacture, Latin term or etymology of ‘garri’, source of the cassava, etc.?

2. Was born with a spoon so silver that when I was naughty dad spanked me with a wad of money, and then handed over the cash to me.

3. Was born with a spoon so wooden that I go window shopping for food.

4. Dude hoping to make his fortune by designing emoticons “for every action”. From the weird (“I am in the loo”) to the weirder (“Er, how do I say this, I wanna break up with u ‘cos I am secretly a transsexual”) to the weirdest (“I am a porno actor suffering from premature ejaculation”).

5. After the success of Fela! the musical same dude (from point 4 above) hopes to make his fortune by writing “distinctly African musicals that white folk would swallow hook, line and sinker”. His latest masterpiece is entitled, Polygamy: The Musical.

Er, think that’s about it. So y’all gonna get back to me on the ideas, right? Thanks, see why I love y’all?

Since last blog entry nada much’s happened with me apart from work. Oh I lie, ‘cos I finally succumbed to the badgering from all and sundry and copped a Blackberry. Has it changed my life for the better? No. Best thing about it is I get ready access to email inbox. The whole BB messaging craze? I can do without that.

Also moved into the “marriage room” during last visit to the Lagos crib. A little background: The “marriage” room is what I have christened the spare room that originally belonged to oldest bro Tayo. U see ever since he got married and moved outta the crib in 1996 every male that’s stayed in that room has been the next sibling to get hitched; first Akin, and then Ayo. Even after Ayo moved out last year the room was vacant and I still avoided that room like the plague. Why have I chosen to stay there now? Well, Jide’s back in the country and is getting hitched in September 2010 by the grace of God so the jinx is officially broken. Ha huh ha huh ha huh ha.

Been in Lagos for almost 2 weeks now and power situation’s even worse than I remember. Good thang I have had nephews and niece visit past weekends, and it’s so much fun when they around. Lately I have been bonding with Seyi’s 2 year old son Nitor and he’s really smart. Nitor now has a younger brother who loves breast milk and as such occupies most of Seyi’s time. That got me thinking if Nitor at all feels neglected, and which of her sons Seyi loves more? I know parents will say they love all their kids equally, but that’s bull. Actually a similar question on which child parents love most was raised by other nephew Zane in the UK.

U see like Nitor Zane has a younger brother, but unlike Nitor it took 6 years of Zane being the sole apple of his parents’ eyes before his younger brother Otu was born. His mom, Nike, said Zane once asked her whom she liked better between him and Otu, and she gave same clichéd answer about loving them equally. U see I know better from experience. When I was younger it was OBVIOUS mom loved me more than Nike or Kemi, everyone knew it. I think it was sometime after my fifth year in boarding school her overt love for me started to diminish. Ha.

Noticed something similar when I first moved to the UK. Then, Chief kept in touch with us through Nike. Even though there were five of us (Sola, Akin, Nike, Funke and moi) we’d always know Chief called from Nike. So much so that 5 months after I arrived at Bradford when my hall mates told me my dad had called I thot they were mistaken. It wasn’t ‘til I contacted Nike she indeed confirmed my dad had tried to reach me. And why did he call? Dude had gotten wind of my first semester results before I did – guess it helps when u pay the tuition fees – and was so impressed he decided to forego Nike and get in touch with me directly. U can tell I am so over this blatant attempt at sucking up, right? Ha. From then on I was Chief’s fave for a while and then it was Akin’s turn, and……..I stopped keeping score. (After I moved back to Nigeria I discovered, apart from the baby of the house Mama, Chief’s next favourite is whoever is closest to getting married.) The point is no way parents can love all their kids the same way all the time, and the sooner kids know the truth – same with the non-existence of Santa Claus and falsehood of professional wrestling – the better.

Okay, u know what, now that I think about it maybe not lifting the veil on favourites has its benefits. Case in point was last Xmas when Zane visited Nigeria. Dunno if it was the two cans of soda and two scoops of ice-cream I “fed” him, but dude just kept on chattering nonstop:

Zane: Uncle, wanna know who my fave male cousin on my mom’s side is?
Tunde: Go on, who is it?
Zane: It is Nitor. Uncle, wanna know who my fave female cousin on my mom’s side is?
Tunde: Go on, who is it?
Zane: It is Kehinde. Uncle, wanna know who my fave aunt on my mom’s side is?
Tunde: Go on, who is it?
Zane: It is aunt Mama. Uncle, wanna know who my fave uncle on my mom’s side is?
Tunde: Erm, maybe u’d keep that to urself.
Zane (*grinning like a Cheshire cat*): Is that because u are in the car?
Tunde: Yup, u a smart boy, aintcha?

I am an adult who understands that kids choose their fave parent or relative based on who provides the most candy, but chances are if Zane had given me an untoward answer I’da dropped his 6 year old butt off on the 3rd mainland bridge and asked him to find his way home!

See what I mean about keeping one’s favourite kids/relatives secret? Some peeps might never forgive u. Fast forward to February 2010 when I am now in Zane’s neck of the woods. After playing around for a bit dude, obviously not knowing I’d spoken to his mom, tried to pull a fast one on me.

Zane: Uncle, can I ask u a question?
Tunde (*in between trying to avoid punches to the face from Zane*): Ask away.
Zane: Who do u like better, me or Otu?
Tunde (*without missing a beat*): Otu. Wanna know why?
Zane (*looking dejected but trying to be a real trooper*): Okay?
Tunde: Well, he didn’t run my baseball hat under the tap like u did 5 mins ago.
Zane: But, I was just playing with you. Besides, Otu is just a baby and maybe if he was older he’d do worse things to your hat.
Tunde: Guess we’ll have to wait ‘til then, won’t we?

Hey, I know it ain’t the best way to teach a kid the vagaries of human emotion but he’s got to learn some time, right? Right? Aw, forget yous! Besides that’ll teach him every action has repercussions. Punk kid trying to tease me about possibly not being his fave uncle. Whatever. Now if only his fave/maybe now not-so-fave uncle would summon the same cojones to confront someone his own size. His boss perhaps? He just might…….

Tot ziens and God bless.

Glenn Beck is a tool

2010-02-21T23:56:00.000-08:00

Hola peeps. ¿Estamos viviendo en épocas interesantes, no somos?

Once a month, for the past 2 years now, I select a day to fast. U know, a way to be closer to God and plead with him to help me become a better person and dump the sins that I easily succumb to. Why am I telling y’all such private stuff? Well, it seems it’s always better to stay away from eating when one’s busy ‘cos so far I’ve spent the day lounging at home and EVERYTHING reminds me of food. I washed my hands after doodling and the handwash is mango-scented; funny I never noticed this before. It hadn’t rained since I returned from the UK 2 weeks ago, but today the steady drip on the roof made me long for an ice cold bowl of garri and groundnut. To make matters worse I chose to lie down on a bed next to balcony overlooking the garden and the smell emanating from moist soil took me back to the fun times I had as a kid, when I’d sneak out to the garden and eat sand. Man, I thought I had more willpower than this. This experience reminds me of a mate from boarding school, Mohammed Abdullai (aka Early Man, aka Early Cra, aka Caveman), who had a penchant for extra long showers during ramadan. Turns out dude was sipping water while ‘pretending’ to shower. Another mate from uni was just as bad. Mohammed Adeojo would succumb to the rumblings in his stomach with 5 mins remaining ‘til time to break his fast. It was always funny to see us, his non-Muslim mates, encouraging him to hold on. “No, no, I can’t take it anymore”, Mohammed would scream. “I know it’s ten minutes ‘til I have to eat, but u don’t know how hard this is. Abeg pass me that bottle of groundnut!” Good times, good times. So now I am typing a blog to keep me occupied and get my mind off food….it’s not working, ‘cos mate’s driver just walked in and his normally rancid B.O. now reminds me of akara (bean cakes). Arrrggghhhhh!!!

It’s even more frustrating ‘cos I know there’s no ‘good’ food to look forward to after I break my fast. Being in Warri makes me long for the time I spent in Lagos during my vacation where I’d get pampered like a king. ‘Cos mom’s in the UK stepmoms were falling over themselves to ensure I am properly fed. I’d ask for anything and their helps would hurriedly prepare it for me. Since I have been back in Warri I have left the club late so have 2ice had to resort to a place I promised myself last year I’d no longer visit. I used to loooove their food ‘til one fateful day when the food tasted awful. The next day I asked the ladyput - too young, too skinny, and boobs not droopy enough to be conveniently flung over shoulders to be a mamaput - why her food wasn’t up to spec and her response was, “Ehen, na everyday food dey sweet? Even if u cook for ur house sef, e dey sweet each time?” That convinced me I had to search for greener pastures. Luckily I was about to embark on 2 month vacation so I didn’t think I’d miss the food……’til now.

Problem in Warri is most eateries that are open past 7pm have run out of good food and it’s only crap bottom pot left. I’da tried the local Chicken Republic but the standard’s fallen drastically from 2 years ago, when they first opened their doors. Not sure if I’ve told u this before but their ice cream’s gone bland and their chicken now tastes as if it was seasoned with kolanut. Yup, that awful. So here’s how I have feasted since I returned to Warri:

Monday 15th February: Had saltless rice and turkey at Ladyput’s after earlier attempt to sponge some food from a married mate’s crib failed. Dude just had a kid so I actually went visiting under the guise of seeing his baby boy. Saw the baby, gisted for a bit and kept glancing at the kitchen, yet nada materialized. Decided @ 2030hrs to go food searching and that’s how I ended up @ Ladyput’s.

Tuesday 16th February: Yam pottage and chicken from Mr Biggs.

Wednesday 17th February: Saltless rice and turkey from Ladyput’s.

Thursday 18th February: Suya.

Friday 19th February: Pounded yam and egusi soup at family friend’s crib.

Saturday 20th February: Yam pottage and fish at female mate’s crib.

So still not sure what I am having for dinner this evening. It’s li’l guessing games such as these that add so much drama to my life in Warri. I reckon I am a masochist ‘cos all this ~~talk~~ description of food is making me crazy hungry. Didn’t help that at church this morning the pastor kept talking about looking at fasting “as ur soul having a feast with the Lord”. All I’d think about was having a meatFEAST pizza or KFC’s chickenFEAST. I reckon that dude was sent to tempt me. Get thee behind me!!!!!

Feels good to be back in Warri though…..who am I kidding?! I miss Lagos and its chaos. The petrol scarcity had eased off in my last few days in Lagos and thot it was so nationwide. WRONG!!!! It’s crazy in Warri and had to cop petrol @ 90 Naira/litre this morning in order to avoid a queue. What the beep are the powers that be doing? And y’all were happy when power was handed over to Goodluck Jonathan, huh? They all the same, the iniquitous punks! U think Goodluck’s wife Patience’s gonna be any different than Yar’Adua’s very own Lady Macbeth? Think again. Y’all forgotten woman had cases, ahem, patiently - (Geddit? Her name’s Patience and I said p-a-t-i-e-n-t-l-y? Aw, forget yous) - pending at the EFCC (Economic and Financial Crimes Commission) before her husband became the vice president? At least Turai’s more photogenic and who knows she might be reading this and reckon I am worthy to marry one of her daughters. Ka-ching!!!!!

Seriously, one cannot be anything but miffed at the debacle that’s been going on since Yar’Adua was rigged into power. First he didn’t do nada, then went away on sick leave, then all sorts of sycophants started spewing crap on how he’s in good health and other rubbish, not knowing each statement further obnubilated the perception of the average Nigerian of the so-called leaders. Trust me the only parties that came outta this mess with their heads held high were the armed forces and civil society (especially the Save Nigeria Group). Not even Dora Akinyuli is without blame, though must give her kudos for her eventual stance. The state governors? Pigs. The national assembly? Rogues. The president’s wife? Sexy. Turai, u won’t forget me when it comes time to picking a new son-in-law, right? Thanks, MOM. Ha huh ha huh ha huh.

Glad to be back at work after my extended break. Was well rested and think I may have overdone it ‘cos first few days back at work it was difficult to keep one’s eyes open. Know how difficult it is to give someone a lap dance while zzzzing? Let’s just say my tips for the week were an all time low. Still, gotta keep trudging along, no?

Debtors didn’t cough up funds as expected so didn’t journey to Cote D’Ivoire as planned after return from the UK. Maybe later in the year. That said, three week stay in the UK was what I needed, though I am disappointed I chickened out of getting a Prince Albert while over there. It’da been my own unique way of protesting the Abdulmutallab incident and the government’s crap response to it.

Nigerian immigration officer: Oga, I thought I told u to remove all metal objects from ur person.
Tunde: You thought right.
Nigerian immigration officer: Then why are u still beeping when u go thru the metal detector?
Tunde (*with a lisp*): Well, wouldn’t u like to know.
Nigerian immigration officer: Huh?
Tunde (*adding effeminate mannerisms to his lisp and screaming at the top of his voice*): DO U KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE ASKED ME “OGA, WETIN U GET FOR US?” SINCE I HAVE ARRIVED AT THIS AIRPORT? C’MON PEOPLE! THE ABDULMUTALLAB INCIDENT OCCURRED LESS THAN A MONTH AGO AND WE HAVEN’T CHANGED NADA. SO NOW ‘COS MY, AHEM, CROTCH AREA IS CAUSING UR YEYE METAL DETECTOR TO GO HAYWIRE U WANNA SEARCH ME?!!!!!

I mos def woulda been arrested afterwards, but at least I’da said my piece, right? Right? Moving on swiftly…..

Yeah, my time in the UK was uneventful. Stayed in most of the time and zzzed, zzzed, zzzed. (Loye’s snoring’s become worse. Man! Nodded off in the living room while watching TV some day and Loye (aka internet pirate) musta slept off as well while waiting on his movie to download. Next thing I was awakened by what sounded like an old diesel trailer changing gears.) On days I’d go visiting peeps I tried to cram in as many visits as I could so I’d spend days afterwards just doing nada. Met up with mates from uni, saw family (as usual) and was ace seeing newest nephew Otu, caught a couple of movies with a girl with a cute nose piercing, and that’s about it I think. Oh yeah, had an ace time chilling with Jide and Loye and kinda reminded me what I missed about not having them back in Nigeria: the constant dissing. Before Mama departed for the States she spent a few days with us and the boys couldn’t help but tease her on her less than pretty mates. “Ever notice that Mama’s always in the centre of photos with her mates? That way the contrast is even clearer.” Can’t forget Loye dissing Jide over a photo of his mate’s ugly baby. “Seriously, how person go born baby girl wey resemble LeBron James? And u go want one boy make he marry am in future? Haba. U know what they say, ‘God don’t like ugly’, but I see He made an exception tonight. Ha.” Yup, that’s essentially what occurred during UK trip.

Wait, there’s the shopping! Well, not for me, mostly for ever expanding clan of nieces and nephews. In my move to avoid maximum stress I did ALL shopping in one day. However, I did tag along when mate wanted to go shoe shopping. Apparently, she had seen a pair of shoes and wanted to get them but they didn’t have her size at the store. U’d not believe this chick got the addresses for other Karen Millen stores in London and planned to visit each one until she found the shoes in her size. Agreed to go along with this harebrained scheme ‘cos she got me some cupcakes – yes, that’s how easy I am – and thank goodness we achieved our target after 3 stores. I am glad she was with me ‘cos while looking around I nearly copped a pair of powder blue – yes POWDER BLUE – pants until she convinced me it was a bad idea. Well, duh!! I KNEW it was a bad idea, but c’mon how many chances does a heterosexual male get to acquire powder blue pants? It’da been different….and mighta been appropriate attire for my Abdulmutallab airport protest. Oh well, we live and we learn. So yup, that’s pretty much my UK trip for ya.

Wait, wait, I also got to to see ex-girlfriend’s cuz, the one I used to have a crush on. Man, she hasn’t changed and has the cutest family. Her husband’s real cool and her two kids are adorable. Seeing them interacting encourages one to get married…okay, almost. Man, I need to get over this commitment phobia ‘cos it’s starting to dog me. While in the UK with Loye and Jide, Kinzo called to inform Jide that one of his female friends has slept with seven (7) guys “and counting” since she got married. Trust Kinzo to love scandals. Anyways, the topic turns to when the boys are moving back to Nigeria, and later to my relationship status. The boys start teasing me about some chick and then Kinzo says, “Y’all had better leave Yellow alone ‘cos if u keep pressuring him the boy go back out and say he no do again.” U what? After I returned to Lagos I meet up with some chick who happens to know Kinzo’s wife and a mate of mine from ATL; during a conversation it slips out that my sis-in-law and my mate Bashir have, separately, warned her about my commitment phobia. Woah, is that what everyone thinks of me?

Two days before I return to Warri – Loye and Jide are back in Nigeria now - Chief summons the family for a “family meeting”.
(Psst, I actually think dude’s lonely in that huge house with his wives. Man, u’da seen him after Mama left for her programme in the States; never seen dude so blue. Almost thought he was gonna cry. “Oh I miss her….oh I miss her….u know she underwent all her studies in Lagos, from nursery school to NYSC and when she said she wanted to go abroad to further her medical studies I tried to convince her to do it here, but she used that argument against me. Oh I miss her.” Dude actually sat by me while watching TV to tell me this. It’d be laughable if it wasn’t so cute. Can’t blame him though, Mama’s the sweetest angel ever. Remember that nursery rhyme ‘what are girls made of?’ The author(ess) musta been talking about Mama. Yup, I sure do miss her. Sob.)
After the opening prayer Chief began the meeting by thanking everyone for showing up, expressing his joy that Loye and Jide arrived safely in the country and “….it just so happens that they are seated beside the chief bachelor Tunde. Hopefully, we’d have two weddings this year….Jide’s, once he settles down and gets a job, and maybe Tunde’s. I mean u never know.” At which point the entire family, me especially, cracks up.

Remember how I told y’all after Chief and me had “the talk” he said he’d never ask me about marriage until I approached him that I had found someone? Well, that went outta the window after 2 weeks. Every other conversation he brings it up. Reckon it’s time I made myself a tee shirt – oh yeah, think I met someone in the UK that can finally bring my tee shirt ideas to fruition – with the inscriptions, NO, I AM NOT INTERESTED IN MEETING UR FRIEND! It’s been crazy ever since peeps found out Neo and moi are no more. Everyone and the mama’s group of friends seem to have someone whom they reckon would be perfect for me. Ha. I appreciate the love, honestly I do, but I just ain’t ready to settle down. Man, I wonder if George Clooney gets harassed this much? He doesn’t. U know why? ‘Cos he’s made it clear he’s a serial dater and never wants to get married again. Tunde, on the other hand, would love to get married – eventually – but now ain’t the time. So if u reading this and u still wanna introduce me to ur cute friend, no worries. Just make it plain to her that the guy u hooking her up with has finally accepted what everyone sees, that he’s got some issues with commitment, and mightn’t be ready to get hitched anytime soon. Capisci? Bueno.

But what about ur new year’s resolution to get hitched in 2010? Er, er, didn’t u read the caveat in last blog entry that I always break my new year’s resolutions? Hee hee. Seriously, I don’t know, I don’t bother about it too much. In all honesty my fondest relationships all happened when I thought I wasn’t ready for a relationship so who knows? Thang is I try to glean something from each relationship so I don’t make the same mistake in the next, and discovered that one of the reasons Neo decided she couldn’t take my BS anymore was ‘cos she thought I’d never be serious enough to settle down. Apparently she and my mom had a looooooooong talk – they both love to talk so that’s expected – last month and that’s when she revealed all to her. To an extent she’s right and I won’t wanna “waste” anyone’s time so it’d be better if I made it clear to women from the beginning they might have a Nigerian Clooney, albeit with less hair and a better six-pack, on their hands.

Over the Xmas holidays my mate Edward was visiting from the UK and when I told him I was gonna get married in 2010 dude took it upon himself to be host of Who Wants To Be Tunde’s Bride?, so much so that he actually developed a criteria based on his knowledge of moi. What made it worse was he’d say this out loud in the presence of any girl he saw me with and it wasn’t ‘til a month later I discovered one of the girls actually took this seriously and hinted to a mutual friend that we are more or less getting married this year. U what? See what I mean?

Also discovered – Edward observed this – that all the girls he saw me with have the same complexion. Huh? Don’t see it, but Edward swears it’s so. So either I am eliminating female company subconsciously based on skin tone or Edward is blind…..well, Edward wears glasses so I think it’s the latter. Still, I’d not help but buy into his idea of ranking based on criteria. So earlier in the year when I was still gung ho about getting hitched in 2010 I decided on a select list of female friends – hey, what are the chances of meeting someone new this year and getting hitched to them in the same year – I’d see myself dating and proceeded to eliminate them based on various criteria I came up with. Obviously, the girl from last blog entry (that got jealous when she saw me with someone else) was first to go, then there’s the one that asked me to meet her at a club at Lekki but when I got there and called she informed me she “changed her mind” and was at another club in V.I.; those were enjoyable omissions.

Few days after I arrived in the UK Jide told me about a former colleague of mine he bumped into. “U are Tunde’s brother? How’s he doing at his new job? Ur brother dated this girl when he worked with me and they thought they were real slick, stealing kisses and the like, and thinking no one knew of their relationship. Funny thing is EVERYONE knew. Ha. U’d see the way he looked at her at the office, almost as if he was undressing her. Trust me, as a woman I can’t misjudge that look.” Well, ain’t no way I am gonna walk around the club wearing sunglasses so had strike off a cute, innocent work colleague off the list. Other regrettable omissions were cutie with LEGS for miles – she’s in the UK so distance had to be taken into account – and my small wife (aka my sis Seyi’s friend who I’ve known since she was nine) ‘cos she’s more like a younger sister to me, and besides she’s already engaged. At the end of the day last bride-to-be standing was Mama’s hot doctor friend, but never really hung out alone with her and I gather she’s off to the UK for postgraduate studies soon. See why I don’t wanna meet the friend u think would be perfect for me? I have enough trouble resolving the current ‘potentials’ in my life as it is.

Now u get why I have chosen not to bother myself with whatever Chief says. Recently I tried to explain my way of thinking to a female pal I’ve known since NYSC. She said, “U never take anything seriously and maybe u’d date someone like u. I haven’t been close to any of ur girlfriends, but from the times we’ve all hung out I see them as a bit serious. Forget the whole opposites attract thing, try dating someone like u.” Hmmmm, she might be up to something. Maybe I’d get someone who gets my jokes, understands my reason for liking Country-Western music, doesn’t mind watching football, loves watching movies, and likes nothing better than drinking garri on a sunny day. Ha, there I go describing food again. U’d think….why lookie there, it’s time to break my fast. Phew! Tot ziens and God bless.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I hereby introduce The Magnificent Moustapha, the only man to successfully wiggle his way out of a chastity belt.....”

2010-01-03T11:30:00.000-08:00

Hola peeps. Feliz Año Nuevo.

(a) “I used to beat my wife the first couple of years after we got married. It wasn’t ‘til when I beat her one day and she fainted I knew I had to stop.”

(b) “I pride myself in never having raised my hand against any of my wives.”

(c) “A man should never beat a woman…okay maybe if she disses his mother.”

(d) “Lingerie? My wife is at heart a villager so she won’t appreciate such.”

(e) “Women? Kai, dem no get reverse. Na just straight their mind dey go. If u happen to fall for wayside u dey on ya own.”

What a way to start a blog entry, huh? Well, since last blog entry work’s been so intense I have slept all of three days in my bed in Warri. I am currently on a 2 month break – yeah u read that right – but before that it was one R.I.G. after another after another, a few days in Lagos, then back to the R.I.G. Saddest thang is nada exciting happened on any of tours, well except u count the guy with Tourette’s who randomly yelled out fixtures of the day for the Barclays English Premiership. Wait, let’s not forget there was also experiencing the sight (yes, singular) and sounds of Yenogoa, Bayelsa State in the Niger Delta. On one of the nights out on the town I’d not help but observe different versions of alanta dance moves that got me thinking about when exactly is the tipping point for dance moves to get accepted by the general public. I mean can u imagine the first guy who tried out the Running Man on a dance floor? He musta gotten laughed out of the place….well, except he was dancing with Ciara’s mama who woulda joined right along. Ha. Come to think of it a reality show I’d watch would be one in which Ciara wears a disguise, gets to go clubbing, we get to see what poor schmuck asks her to dance, and then she throws out her crazy ass legs and does those moves that gets everyone thinking, “Er, so is this a dance step or some sacred mating call?”

Don’t know how I forgot this, but on one of the breaks from the R.I.G. I bumped into some chick in PH wearing one of those hipsters that…wait, maybe I m a prude but when did it become fashionable to display the crack of one’s arse for all to admire? I swear the chick I saw in PH had a crack so revealing – I couldn’t help but stare – I thought it was a crescent moon and half expected a werewolf to jump out.

Anyways back in Lagos now and enjoying 2010. Actually my other new year resolution, after getting hitched, is to avoid procrastination. I know I have same resolutions year in year out but this time it’s for real. U wouldn’t believe the original version of this blog entry was started mid September 2009! That’s how busy work was, and how bad a procrastinator I am was. No more siree. This is Tunde 2.0 version er, er 10? Anyways this is the new improved, more responsible, more marriage-ready (hopefully) Tunde; hence, the five statements at the start of this blog entry. Last year I actually decided to confront my commitment phobia by conducting a research on marriage – more on this below - and being a procrastinator I was only able to ask random married guys and one jilted dude (provider of last statement) random stuff about their spouses. Dunno if I got any reassurances from their answers but do know I must expand the scope of questions when I conduct next set of interviews featuring the fairer sex. Stay tuned….

Family news: Family’s good as ever. Thank God. Since last blog entry my number of nephews has expanded by two. U’da seen the table the family was given at our annual Xmas lunch! With the way the family’s expanding I reckon our Xmas gatherings might soon be shifted to the national stadium.

As usual the Xmas break is an opportunity to catch up with family, especially nephews and nieces. Zane was in the country for a bit and got to hang out with him for a day b4 I flew off to PH for a meeting. Watched footie together on TV – dude’s becoming more and more of an Arsenal fan daily – and took him along to the annual FGC Warri Xmas party – it was first time I attended – where he drank 2 cans of soda and afterwards we had ice cream! Then I handed him off to my mom with the excuse that I’d to catch some zzzzz cos of my early morning flight the next day to PH. I cracked up as I heard her trying to instruct the dude, obviously on a sugar buzz from earlier in the day, to take a shower while he insisted on running around the crib and climbing on the couch. Lol…ah the joys of irresponsibility. Makes u wonder why peeps choose to have kids when they have nieces and nephews. Guess it’s just a chance to show off to ur friends that u also can be a parent. I won’t lie I sometimes long for that parental sense of pride when I hear colleagues talking about their children or see my siblings interacting with theirs; maybe my ongoing research will reveal more to me. Hmmmm.

Another interesting thang about children is their ability to say anything. Nephew Timayo’s been chiding me for wearing “girl’s earring” and when his parents told me he once asked them why uncle Tunde wears earrings and they couldn’t give him a convincing answer I decided to take my diamond stud off whenever I am around him. Sweet li’l kid.

Relationship news: Great thang about not being in a relationship is not giving a hoot when a girl’s dad comments on ur wearing a stud. Ha. On way from a wedding – only wear stud on formal occasions now…where I am sure I am not gonna see my nephew – stopped by a mate’s house and when she introduced me to her dad dude asked what was wrong with my ear. I politely replied, “Nothing sir”, with a firm handshake and a smile across my face. Dude shook his head, probably hoping his daughter chooses not to date me, and walked away. Now if it had been with Neo’s dad or a parent of some other chick I was dating I might have felt embarrassed or mumbled some apology for wearing a stud. No siree, Tunde 2.0 version 10 doesn’t give a hoot anymore. U see since Neo and moi ended things in August last year I have decided to go into ‘mourning’ phase. This involves not getting into a relationship with anyone until I feel marriage-ready in my head and heart. To be honest it’s partly an excuse to use the Usher defense, i.e. let an interested girl down easy by using the whole “U remind me of a girl that I once knew, See her face whenever I I look at u, Wouldn’t believe all of the things she put me through, That is why I just can’t get with u” line. U see the Usher defense is a bit like the infamous Twinkie defense, albeit less successful.

Guys are used to rejection, but women not so much; hence why the Usher defense comes in handy. Yup, the two female readers I have left are probably cussing me out right now amid claims of misogyny and who knows what else? They probably insisting one should be entirely honest with women at all times. Er, before y’all torch an effigy of moi and place the film of the ceremony on YouTube, what tactic u think George Clooney uses when he wants to break up with his endless string of beautiful companions? Exactly. So please don’t hate me for revealing a secret men have used for yonks. Capisci? Good. As expected the Usher defense is not a panacea for all women issues; in the past two months I have been called a coward for “not taking this opportunity life offers u to get into a relationship with someone like me who truly cares for u”, and a liar for “saying u’d not be in a relationship with me ‘cos u were with Neo, and now u and Neo are not together u coming up with some ‘mourning phase’ excuse”. Like I stated earlier this new version of Tunde ain’t bothered.

Worst thang about not being in a relationship (with Neo) is the look on ur mom’s face when she asks u when next u seeing Neo so she’d give u her Xmas card and u tell her u ain’t planning to see her during ur two month vacation. Yup, mom sure had high hopes for Neo and moi; so much so that she put up a photo of Neo and moi, taken during Chief’s 70th birthday, in her room. Yup, right beside photos of her married daughters with their families. It wasn’t ‘til 2 weeks ago I noticed she had taken it down. Oh well, these things happen.

Chief, on the other hand, is generally stoic regarding my relationship status. After I told him I had intended to use most of two month vacation groveling for Neo to take me back, but after first week in Lagos I realized it would be a wasted venture so backed off, the following exchange ensued:

Chief: Well, at least ur career’s going great and u finally listened to me by spending Xmas with ur family this year. Maybe I got too involved with what happened with u and Neo. Next time until u’re really sure and have possibly proposed to the chick I won’t want to know who she is, because one of the reasons I haven’t hung out at my social club in a while is ‘cos Neo’s dad sits next to me and we’d already considered potential wedding dates.
Tunde (*thinking to himself*): But I never told u about any wedding dates?! Arrrggghhhh!!!!
Chief: So is there anyone on the scene now?
Tunde: No, I’d rather take my time. I am currently in ‘mourning phase’ and….er, forget what I just said. No, there’s no one.
Chief: Well, if u ask me I say u have every other aspect of ur life covered u just need to get this marriage thang over with. Hope I am not rushing u by suggesting u get married in 2010.
Tunde (*thinking to himself*): Ha. That’s exactly what u doing! Good thang I have decided to get hitched this year as well.
Chief: So? Am I rushing u?
Tunde: No, sir.
Chief: Good. So if u going to do anything u best make sure it’s after August as ur mom’s gonna be helping Nike with her new baby for the best part of 2nd quarter 2010.
Tunde (*thinking to himself*): Ha. This dude probably thinks I have a harem of potential fiancées lined up.

Hey, at least this conversation was better than last one I had with Chief at end of October. It was then I REALLY started thinking of my relationships ‘cos dude said he was disappointed in me. Seriously. Disappointed in me ‘cos I ain’t married?! I couldn’t get my head around it. I am not a saint but I pride myself in not intentionally lying to those of the fairer sex, and here’s my own father expressing his disappointment in me for what as far as I could tell was my reluctance to get hitched at a time he deemed fit. Couldn’t remember the last time I cried but I got teary-eyed after that talk. It was the discussion that led me to consider undertaking a research on relationships, but as was the norm then I couldn’t decide on where to begin.

In my head I had this idea of constructing a questionnaire where questions would run the entire gamut from mundane to controversial. Like I stated earlier I never got down to asking these. Instead I gleaned valuable information like the ‘confessions’ at the start of this blog entry from a combination of eavesdropping and posing Socratic questions. I didn’t know whether I was on the right track or not, but knew it wasn’t a coincidence that during movie gorging sessions on trip to Lagos in October movies showing at the time were The Taking Of Pelham 123, He’s Not That Into You, Substitutes, and The Ugly Truth. Now what do these movies have in common apart from the fact that Kevin Connelly starred in The Ugly Truth and He’s Not That Into You, and Justin Long starred in the latter and also Die Hard 4.0 with Bruce Willis, who starred in Substitutes with Ving Rhames, who starred in Pulp Fiction with John Travolta, who starred in Pelham 123 with Denzel Washington (carrying a fair amount of avoirdupois), who as a younger man was a spitting image of me? Okay, there’s really no link there, just listed the movies I saw in October hoping I’d glean a pattern that’d apply to my failed relationships. Maybe I truly need that break from relationships. Ha.

Yeah, another crap aspect about not being in a relationship is ur constant protestations about not wanting to be hooked up falling on deaf ears. Even worse is the women who think they now have a hold on u ‘cos u single. Weirdest case of such occurred last week when I was supposed to catch a movie and lunch with a mate. Even though I’d been queuing for petrol – more on that later – forever I didn’t get any and by the time I got to her office it was two hours later than scheduled and she had a meeting to attend. I apologized profusely and we agreed to shift the lunch date forward by a day. Since I was already on the Island asked a platonic mate who lived nearby to meet me up. As fate would have it there was crazy traffic after I picked her up and the short cut I took happened to pass by office of postponed lunch date. Now what u think are the odds of postponed lunch date’s meeting being cancelled and her standing outside her office as I drove past with platonic mate? 1,000 to 1? 100,000 to 1? Stuff like that only occurs in the movies, right? Well, so I thought. Postponed lunch date called my phone soon as she spotted me, I didn’t pick up ‘cos don’t pick up phone while driving, and by the time I returned her call she didn’t pick up. When she eventually took my call – two days later – and I wished her a happy new year she replied, “Same to u, or should I say shame to u? So that lady in the car’s the petrol u said u were gonna search for?” And to think I am not even in a relationship with her. Man, the sooner I get hitched the better.

Work news: Spent the longest time ever stationed on the R.I.G. - 5 weeks! Only reason I was assigned to the R.I.G. for so long is ‘cos I ain’t married. During that time my mind went through so many thoughts I finally decided to get some computer programming knowledge so I’d write a virus to target only married folk ‘cos this singleism is driving me crazy. Come on, let him stay there, after all it ain’t like he’s got a wife or kids to go home to. It got so bad I visited 3 R.I.G.s in 8 days – somewhere in all of this is a reality show concept, I just know it.

What kept me somewhat sane was the constant trips out of the R.I.G. to Yenogoa, Bayelsa State by my newest hero D (name withheld to protect the very, very guilty). While out in Yenogoa I also couldn’t help but notice how some songs are only heard in the Niger Delta. For instance, the most annoying song ever with a chorus that goes something like “mini mini mana mana…bend down low waist…” is a huge hit in the Niger Delta states. The further one moves away from the region the more unlikely it seems for radio stations to play such songs.

Before I go further lemme tell u a li’l about D and what makes him raconteur nonpareil:
a. Once made a pass at a 61 year old Caucasian woman while visiting the States;
b. While in the states he got involved with a seriously obese African American lady with 5 kids who slapped him around when he looked at other women, got on a plane to Nigeria to see him, attended a Nigerian white garment church in the US as she had two of those 5 kids for a Nigerian;
c. Over drinks dissected the prostitution game and for some reason seemed particularly knowledgeable on the going rate for prostitutes in Bayelsa and wondered how they could cope on N3,000 a week – cost of one client – as it probably affords one just a breakfast of noodles and boiled egg with no little or no savings to bank. I later discovered his affinity for the plight of prostitutes came after he woke up the morning after he slept with one and noticed she had laundered his underwear and other clothes. Julia Roberts eat ur heart out;
d. Made me escort him on a 1hr drive to see a Theatre Arts student at Niger Delta University, Bayelsa who was crazy rude after taking the food he brought for her. Still, chick called the next day asking for money at which D replied, “I be ya papa?”;
e. While hanging with D I overheard a prostitute negotiating with a john.
John: “Na u I see last week?”
Prostitute (*chewing gum and snapping it so loud that made me wanna stab her with a pencil…or at least introduce her to Chris Brown*): En, na me.
John: So come house with me tonight na?
Prostitute: Na 5 tazound.
John: Haba, make we make am 3 tazound na……
Then they caught me eavesdropping and started whispering to each other.

Yup, and I owe all these experiences to D. Why did I refer to him as my hero? Well, anytime he went to Yenogoa he’d cop some candy for me. I ate so much candy right side of mouth’s been sore for past 2 months. Still, u gotta love D.

Man, the R.I.G. tour was too much even for me…maybe ‘cos the food was crap. I ended up drinking even more garri than I normally do. Even beard was ridiculous by Tunde R.I.G standards…u don’t even wanna know about nose hair.
Yup, still not shaving off goatee until the Iranian situation improves and the recent demonstration during the holy day of Ashura might have made things worse, but damn it I am sticking to my guns (no pun intended). By the time y’all read this I’da probably broken all my new year’s resolutions, but I gotta keep this goatee protest thang going. Problem with being Tunde is I tend to be blasé about everything. Trust me I have done things I never in my wildest dreams thought I’d engage in, and recently I almost snogged a married chick – I said ALMOST people!!!!! Yup, that’s how easily my principles tend to crumble. So even if it makes no sense to anyone – to be honest it makes no sense to me sometimes – I gotta hold on to something that proves I can be steadfast, hence the goatee protest goes on. Er, however had to trim goatee after I left the R.I.G. as while there I observed not only did goatee start to lock, food crumbs got embedded in it and birds would wait til I was asleep and try to use it as a nest for their hatchlings.

‘Cos spent a lot of time bored on the R.I.G. listened to loadsa music while working on laptop and realized I’d easily be the bad guy in love songs, u know when the singer tells a girl “I’d love u more than that” or “U’d let me love u”, aka ‘Haters’ songs, well some of those lyrics fit me to a tee. Ouch. Got so bad I actually poured out my heart to my sis-in-law Keji. Gave me advise on what to do with Neo – she used to be Neo’s neighbor – and though I was unsuccessful I ended having a closer relationship with the coolest sis-in-law one could wish for. She’s definitely getting a ministerial position when I become president.

Also listened to loadsa Fela songs and surprised how what he complained about those years ago is still valid today. Amazing. I know deep down everyone was once/is a fan of Fela, so what happens when our present corrupt leaders listen to him. Do they know his songs are referring to them or do they conveniently block out those areas? The punks.

When I wasn’t listening to music taught students choreography, made up some more moves, and repeated cycle. Never thought I’d ever say this but I’m beginning to hate dancing. In fact got so depressed with monotony of dancing I once tried crystal meth. As fate would have it I got tested the day after by the guys from the I.A.D.C (International Association of Dance Choreographers) and had to fabricate a lie to avoid a suspension and loss of endorsements and…..oops, wrong life story. Hey, it’s easy to mistake my life’s story for Agassi’s, what with the premature hair loss, trophies - tennis for him, dance for me – and unsuccessful relationships. Hee hee.

I knew I had spent too long on the R.I.G. when my mind started going loopy. I started having thoughts like:

1. Ain’t it funny why insane folks in the UK do not go around without clothes like their Nigerian counterparts. Place is so cold they probably get cured of their madness soon as they take their clothes off. No mate, even I ain’t that mentally deranged to take my clothes off in the freezing winter.
2. Wouldn’t it be funny if they had separate toothpastes for the sexes? I mean they have male and female deodorants, male and female shaving sticks, etc why not go the whole hog?
3. Wouldn’t it be hilarious if I walked around with a sash bearing the inscription “Boyfriend of last placed contestant in the Miss Nigeria beauty pageant”?

The last straw came when I went on a mate’s Facebook page and chided her for displaying a “boob infested” profile pic when she knew I had been on the R.I.G. for weeks on end. Her response? “What sorta person are u? I didn’t even know what u meant ‘til I looked at the pic closely. What sorta pervert notices such things?!” All attempts to reach her in order to render an apology have failed. Bummer.

Entertainment news: What else dominated last year but Tiger, Tiger, Tiger. Woah. Who woulda thunk things would end up the way they did? I feel real bad for the dude. I mean who would want their business all up in the open like that? In a further sign that proves women are each other’s worst enemy, ALL the black women I have spoken to about this all provide same refrain: Isn’t it shocking that off the women he cheated on his wife with there was no black woman? Woah. Is that really the issue?

The Nigerian music industry kept growing in leaps and bounds in 2009, and the quality of music videos is awe inspiring. Felt awful for all the times I have dissed Naija movies so took a conscious effort to watch one that was showing at the cinema. The Tenant was long and crappy, and the fact it won so many awards from some film festival led me to believe it was either a one-movie film festival or the quality of the other movies musta been the pits.

As there are now two cinemas in PH I got to see some movies when I visited there, but that didn’t stop me from gorging on movies during my recent stay in Lagos. 2012, Ninja Assassin, Avatar were better than I expected, the latter especially. After the crap that was Titanic I expected more of the same from James Cameron but this was a fast movie, even though it was quite long. That said it’s not a movie I’d be keen to see again, except maybe in 3-D. Sherlock Holmes was not as dynamic as I had hoped, maybe the sequel would be better.

Maybe it’s me but I don’t get the big deal about the Twilight series. Saw New Moon and that was way better than Twilight but that’s not saying much. Twilight was sheer awful. Oooh, look at me I am a vampire, and I can fly. I also play baseball with my family of vampires in the rain and…. Like I give a hoot. A pale faced voyeuristic vampire is supposed to be endearing? I don’t get it. Think it’s like the Harry Potter movies, maybe might get/like the movies once I have read the books…..if ever that happens? Yeah, does anyone know if Harry Potter dies at the end of the final book? No one still wants to tell me. Did Joanne K. Rowling make y’all swear an oath or something? Tell me!!!!!!!!

Nigerian political news: Where does one start from? U’ve already read examples of how the incompetence of those charged with the supply of petroleum refined products caused urs truly a lunch date. If that ain’t bad enough the situation’s gotten worse. Under normal circumstances the minister (and minister of state) for petroleum, head of Department of Petroleum Resources (DPR), Group General Manager of Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC) and their ilk woulda resigned but that stuff don’t seem to happen in Nigeria. And only dude that can fire them is probably dead in Saudi Arabia. Oh, is it too early in the year to crack jokes about our president who’s been missing for 40-plus days? Well, f&%k y’all. Even when Fidel Castro was ill we saw pics of him in the clinic, and when he couldn’t keep the Cuban people in perpetual suspense he handed over the reins of government. Not our dear servant leader. Oh no. This dude’s too ill to make the customary new year televised address or sign a letter handing over his duties to the lily-livered vice president, yet we are to believe the punk endorsed the 2009 supplementary budget that was purportedly taken to him in Saudi Arabia? Please pull the other leg, it has bells on it. Democracy indeed. Doesn’t help that we have a genuine Lady Macbeth in the form of the president’s wife who seems to neither care for the welfare of her husband or the Nigerian people. Bastards.

U know what would be crazy interesting? A website that tracks the number of days since the president was last seen and the statements emanating each day from the sycophant bastards trying to pull the wool over our eyes. Instead of giving us hard facts about the true state of the president’s health all we hear daily is “continue praying for the president”. As some columnist put it, “why should I bother God with my prayers for someone who’s so attached to power he’d rather die than hand over to his deputy until he is able to assume the mantle again?”

It’s the Nigerian factor people:

1. The Nigerian Football Federation is in such disarray the Nigeria team might not qualify for the World Cup, what should we do? PRAY that God will cause other teams to lose so we can qualify. Even some renowned televangelists go as far as predicting football scores for Nigerian games. Oh, God reveals footie scores to u but has nothing to say about the state of the Nigerian president? Hmmmm.
2. Petrol scarcity has pervaded the land and the people on top are clueless as to what to do. Why? Cos we put wrong people in positions of influence in order to fulfill quotas based on ‘national character’. Should we replace these punks with those that have a clue? No, instead let’s PRAY God will magically supply petroleum products from heaven.

U know what? F^%k them all. We should get the Attorney General of the nation and other peeps that keep insisting Yar’Adua’s alive to swear to that under oath. That way if dude’s dead and an autopsy confirms it the punks can be jailed for perjury. Trust me, none of them would agree to such a request. Honestly, this administration cannot point to any achievements since they’ve been in power. Obasanjo’s somewhere giggling to himself. Y’all wanted me out now u get to deal with the incompetent punk I fostered on y’all.

Now after some poor misguided Nigerian youth attempts to blow up a US-bound plane on Xmas day, and Nigerians heading to the US are to be specially screened the Nigerian government is all up in arms about this “unfair treatment”. Oh u don’t say. If I were the US government I’d subject Nigerian government officials to ever tougher screening just for the heck of it. A number of commentators reckon it was ‘cos of the deplorable state of the Nigerian education system, where government officials can establish private universities even as they do their utmost to sink the federal ones, the bomber’s father sent him abroad to study, and it was while there the guy was brainwashed into doing what he did. I don’t subscribe to that argument, after all loadsa Nigerians have sent their kids abroad to study and they didn’t urn out the way they did. Still, it’s good to know that the abysmal state of our schools is being subjected to even greater scrutiny……at least until this matter is no longer newsworthy such as when one of Tiger’s mistresses has a kid for him.

Every Nigerian with a passport is now dissing Abdulmutallab for “ruining things for us”. What the dude did was messed up no doubt, but I think we missing the big picture here. Have u ever had the runs in a public place and mistakenly messed up ur underwear and are at a loss as to what to do? Exactly!

Oh man, this is a loooonnnnng ass blog entry. Sincere apologies. Off to go queue for petrol. Tot ziens and God bless.

Articles of interest to moi (2004 - 2009)

2009-12-02T02:32:00.000-08:00

Shoes, shoes everywhere
Electrical Robin Hood
Secrets of innovation
Bravery
A few home truths
From China with love?
Pornography? Really?!!!! Punks.
PIB article: A bit biased I felt. Ur opinions?
Any brave souls out there wanna help me do the same in Nigeria?
Warri no dey carry last
World Challenge 2009
Yup, still as confusing as ever
U've seen the Crocodile Hunter now meet his darker, long lost cousin
What a loss to Nigeria!
Still loving ur cellphone?
Those who refuse to learn Nigeria's mistakes are bound to repeat them. It was fun knowing you Uganda. Call me when u can
Revolution 101
In case u wanna plunge deep into oil
Yup, dude's still clueless. U gotta wonder if he's not a marionette
Yar'Adua never seems to learn, does he?
Dickipedia: Rumsfeld
A question of leadership in Africa
Dickipedia: Khamenei
Voodoo and politics in Ogun state
Nigeria's N word
Subsidize this!
What can Obama do for u?
No wonder senators lounge big time
Ooh ooh can I play too? Hee hee. Wish we'd place them in a house a la Big Brother and take bets on who'll crack first
Fo shizzy my nizzy
Still no one's being held accountable
Sad, innit?
Akure 27. A damn shame
Neda (Agha Soltan) means divine calling
Big men never die...apparently
And I thought our nicknames in boarding school were bad
What a way to evangelize
Internationally black
Is this dude for real?
Well said
Gas flaring in Nigeria
I actually loved 'I'm Outstanding' back in the 90s. Sounds crap now though
U gotta love Carter. God bless him
Hmmm, another World Bank loan. Does anyone know if our foreign reserves are still intact?
Blah blah blah blah. Dunno whether I'd be surprised it's his 1st ever press conference at the State House in 2 years or that he's setting up yet another committee. One word, two syllables: RESIGN
It just beggars belief, don't it? F%$k them all
Ha. Dude says he can wait a year
I've said it once and I'll say it again: Iwu is a joke
True dat
World's largest companies
Chris Rock was prescient, no?
Satire in SA
OBJ on HARDtalk. If Stephen was a Nigerian journalist OBJ mighta slapped him. Ha!
Of course it's not torture.....NOT
It's about time we had a serious debate
The National Assembly doesn't have the time to release the report of the power probe or prod the president to sign the FOI bill, yet they have time for this. Punks
Go to work...Go to work
Worthwhile concept
Good on them
More on Sudan
Now u know where all the policemen are...
Amen
U can run but u cannot hide. Who's next?
Quintessentially British. Bet he had a cup of teas as well
When is enough enough?
Bloody jokers
Well worth a read
Yup, y'all are old fogies
Bravo
A bitter pill for the Nigerian financial market
Typical, innit? Must say Soludo does appear increasingly clueless about the goings-on in the Nigerian economy
Go on, tell me this doesn't touch ur heart
India Climate Solutions
Things white people like Tunde like
There once was an old lady who lived in a shoe...
U must be kidding me...
Strike?
This story made my year...and we still in January!
Rudderless ship
The Dark Night
Ain't we a wee tired of Yar's constant about-turns? It was cute initially now it's just sad
Hotter than hell apparently
Bravo Gani. Hey, is anybody else tempted to throw shoes at Yar'Adua to see if he's got Bush-like reflexes? No one? Er, me neither
If this dude was Nigerian he'd probably be saved by the 'immunity clause'; then he'd a Thanksgiving in church blessing God for not allowing his 'enemies' succeed
Naija Gas Plan
Oh man, when will this end?
No wonder my cellphone reception is abysmal...or so the telecoms companies want me to think
A pun-ny fashion designer
Nookie without the bitter afterguilt
Yup, Yar'Adua remains a punk
Let's end the hypocrisy
Time we had a continent-wide discussion about this. Guess Gadaffi's right about most African leaders being shameless to go around begging for aid
Is this dude a lousy captain or is he a lousy captain?
e=mc2
Seen the movie Problem Child? Here's the real life version
Keeping our venal past rulers in check
Gay indeed? She's lying just to get media attention on her. I'd know, I oncedated her
Seems Yar'Adua's Rule Of Law only applies to corrupt former governors
So we don't forget
Ha, family bereavement? What a lame excuse
The antimetabole
Where does one even begin? Oh my
I'd normally be clamouring for names of the guilty to be made public, but since nada happened with the Siemens scandal who'd I be kidding?
Making money without being evil
Today we are all Dunlop employees
Nobody knows anything
Ooops...open mic night this is not
The power of hindsight. U gotta love Jon Stewart
This is another debate we need to have in Nigeria
This is a debate we need to have
Paging Prof Maurice Iwu! Paging Prof Maurice Iwu!
The Manchurian president?
Could the max 4 wife thang be a man-made law like Catholic priests' celibacy? After all a Muslim friend told me the prophet Mohammed had 9 wives
Awww, poor senators wanted to watch the convention? They'da stayed in Nigeria and watched CNN
I want my pounds sterling!
Nigerians for Obama my blistered right arse cheek
An objective study
One of the good guys
Who's a scaredy cat now?
The air up there
Ouch!
Blind leading the blind
This is 2008 and people still believe this ish?
My dad's bigger than yours
If I had any hair left I'da pulled it out by now
Dontcha love freedom of speech?
The tears of a thug when the whole world's around
Yada Yada Yar'Adua
Summit or dialogue? Na im oyinbo dey call semantics
Helping to fight malaria
Secrecy in Lagos State
Idea Builders
Eko o ni baje
8th point on the agenda?
We can only hope
End the traffic
Bravo. End the friggin' hypocrisy
And the debate goes on...
7 point agenda my cute backside
An artiste's expression
Point Carbon
A fellow Bradfordian Chemical Engineer
Truer words have never been written
Yet more saddening news from the polity
There goes the West again, accusing our, ahem, African heroes of foul behaviour
Awww, Shaq needs a hug
RIP George Carlin II
RIP George Carlin
First dibs on the car
Peace summit? It'd be funny if it wasn't so serious. Venal bastard rulers
Is mad Mugabe gonna blame this on the West as well?
From the country that brought u Pokemon
Perot's charts
Just so y'all know
Maybe green TV's not a good idea
Code of silence concerning Mugabe
The land is Green, it's Green, so Green
Who needs Superman when u got Stephen Colbert?
Dangerous accusations
Kudos to an indigenous company
The lie shall keep u trapped. The venal punks!
Maryam Abacha should hide her head in shame
Nigeria Ministerial scorecard
LRA
I wanna pee on u. hee hee. My guilty pleasure. Too funny to believe it's real
Always loved Rick Reilly. Such a gifted writer
Hmmm
Oh to be a mate of Sharon Stone
No more wishful thinking
Boo hoo...I don't have a handover note so I can't do my job. Another dividend of democracy? Lying
Dividends of democracy...as if
$4 gas? Who cares, when u can own ur own gun
Black people, when we gonna learn?
Is Turaki the latest brand of vacuum cleaners? Man, Dyson has nada on this guy
For your consideration
What do y'all think?
God bless Dwayne
Watch and pray peeps, watch and pray
Exercise in futility
Hey, I am just a messenger
Psst, don't tell the voters
OBJ's travails
The Reverend is back!!!
Rapid peanut sheller. It's the simplest ideas, innit?
Hmmm
C'mon, this cannot go on! "So Billy, what do u wanna be when u grow up?" A kidnapper, they make all the money
Which way Nigeria?
One man's conviction
As if the T5 debacle wasn't enough
Genesis of Rob's anger. That don't excuse him for messing up Zimbabwe though
Somewhere Maurice Iwu's cursing his luck
Awww, not such a (Barrister) Smooth court judgment, was it? Lol..man, I kill myself
I once dated this chick I couldn't stand 'cos she promised me free meals. Now I know why
Mess in the power sector
Carbon sequestration
Pant suits on fire
Surely we can afford to do without one or two cheap pants?
What we doing to encourage folk of similar ilk?
Beauty of the N word?
I know it ain't supposed to be funny, but there sure are websites for everything
It's official: I am in love with the Sports Gal. I don't mind, I'll take care of her two kids and all
When the wind shall blow the yansh of the looters shall be opened
Solutions to the Nigeria Police problem
Dude's been swimming in that great Egyptian river again
Yup, venal punks
Who says with old age comes wisdom? Venal punks!
Sound venture
Am I the only one without a pipeline?
A drowning man will clutch at anything
Origins of Mann
Go Obama!
Another reason why Hill's losing my support
Dude should be on MTV Cribs. 'And over here I got my own oil pipeline...'
In case u don't wanna damage ur manicured nails
Don't move to France
I don't drink coffee anyways
Increase the fines I say
One small step for man, one giant leap for Lagos traffic
Ur time will come sir, ur time will come
And u don't even have to water them
Yet more talk. When will our president actually do something?
Again, more talk. How's one gonna verify complaints of those affected by adulterated PMS? Maybe this'd make the refineries work. The punks
I bet the folks at ILM would be well impressed
Oops, I'd better hide my mini skirt and black pumps
Reparations for blacks?
Pls, pls scroll down to the comments section
Any comments on Juicycampus?
For those of us who can't be there in person
Vote the Sports Guy. Yes, we can!
Derrick the Obama supporter is da man
Hell hath no fury...
Pics of Obama by Scout Tufankjian. Excellent, excellent site
Stories like these make blogging worthwhile
U gotta love Ralph; the old curmudgeon sure tells it like it is
Yup, officially jaded
Ouch. Guess Ashton Kutcher should avoid Morocco
No wonder folk get jaded with politics
Prof Iwu, Prof Iwu, Prof Iwu. How many times I call ya name?
May u live in interesting times...
U know u a crap player when a fan of ur team creates a website to track ur inconsistences. I'da done this for Yakubu of the Nigeria football team
High impact philantropy
Wanna build an amusement park in my back yard?
Lol...heard they held onto his salary so he'd have to quit and they wouldn't pay him compensation if he was fired
Yup, they re-re-reversed it
Serves Mushy right. Let's see him lock up the judiciary now
It's getting dicey in Democrat country
Give this administration 2 weeks, they'll probably re-reverse their decision
Only in Nigeria
Is gay bashing still necessary? C'mon
Dude took the words outta my mouth. Send Eboue out on loan or sell the punk off
Wanna chat with the Delta State governor? Go right ahead
U can't eat ur breakfast and have it. Geddit? Geddit?
Unsung hero?
'Google Earth' for Carbon monitoring
I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride it well
McCain's daughter's blog. She's a hottie just like her mom
Bravo to Rudd
3 sides to every story
What's it all about?
Yup, drastic help is required
Coming to a store near u: The Pornstar Workout Plan
The Wonder Years starring Mitt Romney
A take on Naija from an oyibo woman's perspective. makes u wonder, don't it?
A take on Naija from an oyibo man's perspective. Quite enlightening
Obama song
It's my money and I can cry if I want to..
Anyone wanna buy a Hoover?
Promises, promises
Europe energy efficient policies
These guys are scum
With every week comes a new revelation about OBJ
Police Equipment Fund
Bravo, Bravo. Orji Uzor Kalu shown for who he is
See the way them chairs be moving around?
And what took them so long?
This is worse than Big Brother; Big Father, maybe? Every hotel in the FCT is situated within residential areas!
And this is for the (environmental) geek in u....
Go Intel!
State of Nigerian footie...state of Nigeria as a whole
Media neglect in Kenya crisis?
Trust Sports Guy to put it in perspective. I stayed up 'til 4am to see Belichick get stuffed. Good times good times
Yeah, another one for those who can read
Top Grift
Don't cry for me New Hampshire
Bueno
The surge is working, the surge is working
I'd never do this. I love me too much candy
Read and weep. Um, if u can read that is
Time and Tunde: Great minds
Action required
Bring them on
Lady maintains she did nada wrong by using an alias. Tsh tsh tsh
A change needs to come
Finally, an objective opinion
Deserves applause
"Free Mike Vick"? Dumb punk
U've heard of R.Kelly. Now ladies and gentlemen I give you R.Mugabe
Truth hurts
I know my heart will go on and and on, but what about urs?
Huge cojones or closet voyeur
Time to set up a power company
Lol..apparently everyone's an electrician in Nigeria
Dude's a hero
Dave threatened by Dane? Tsh tsh tsh
Smackdown
Shell Nigeria shakeup
Can this dude suck up or what?
Positives of globalization
LMAO. Should we be glad that 419's pervaded into cartoon movies?
It's about time we took a stand
The clock's ticking
Why does Iwu still have a job?
The Mo Ibrahim prize
The first idea isn't necessarily the best one
Finally, some sense
The Sports Guy is my hero yet again! I do the same thing with my nephews, only I enjoy the ice-cream as much as they do
My bank is bigger than yours
This guy is either the smoothest talker there is or his wife's the first natural-blonde Asian
Who would be a Kop?
Magnolia paste, anyone?
Ain't it a shame we still talking about this?
Is privitisation the panacea to all our ills?
INEC responds
Wouldn't these emblems be ace on a F1 car?
The NOPEC bill? Quite an original name actually
It's at times like these I wish I'd draw. Quite funny
AIDS is still a stigma
What do u call an honest politician? As if.
Interesting take on Nigeria's national planning, or failure thereof
Nigerian Local Content Policy
Who is fooling who?
God's 1/4-back
For all his laudable efforts he messed up in the end
$100? Just a matter of time
Lame duck...geddit?
Keeping fingers crossed
The slammer baby
Wait a minute, where did I keep those NYSC camp pics?
Guzzle guzzle
Payback's a b%$ch
The world as a global village
Colbert for president
Brotherly love?
EFCC case against Ibori
This could be the opportunity to get my show on air
The Adedibu menace
Maurice Iwu's nadir
Blah blah blah
Budget 2008
For he's a Jolly good thief
Yup, a procrastination tool for me as well
Dontcha just love elections?
Don't cry for me Argentina
Ouch. Hitting 'em where it hurts
Do sanctions work?
Kaching $$$$$
Looter accuses one of looting his loot
Laudable
If u a fan of JCVD look away now
...and u thought they only made good watches, army knives, and ace chocolates
He gives, He takes
Dah dah dah, another one bites the dust
It had to take someone's death, huh?
Can u hear the posse circling?
Dude still expects us to have patience?
Ex parte baby
Ahmadinejad's speech at Columbia University
The black QB debate
If u don't like the NFL ignore most of the article just read section on San Fran...Seems Sports Guy's Ewing Theory actually works
Che as a brand
"I am a big bad general and I wanna eat my cake and have it". Don't these guys ever know when to quit?
Toughest sell ever
And to think I had a HUGE crush on her. Wonder what the PTI guys are gonna make of this
Black Google
Madam Speaker's mom speaks out
Just in case u were thinking of emigrating
Remarkable
Inner workings of a Sharia court
At least he doesn't have to jump bail like his erstwhile colleagues
Chickens coming home to roost
What's the difference between us? We can start at the ....
Now this is worth publicizing
After all said and done are the governors gonna be prosecuted?
More on NNNPC
U can run but u can't hide
Madam Speaker's side of the story
More points of view on oil
Just to get the debate going
Jena 6
Uh oh, they coming to blows now
Body massage machines? I prefer a masseuse meself
So this is what I gotta do to get on TV?
Changes at NNPC
Pray for this dude. Needs all the help he can get
Merchant Of Death
From Russia with (more than) love
Mr. Bale is da man
Enough already!
I am sure that woulda knocked the bubble gum outta his mouth
Kudos
Na na na na na (*with tongue sticking out*)
In case y'all wanna tell ur kids
So soon?
I feel Kenny, now just need a singing voice and I'll be made
So that's how they won those Superbowls
OPEC cares
U gotta love Kanye
Reckon dude's been on Atkins diet?
It's not u, it's me
U gotta love these guys
Where's Lord Lugard when u need him?
More tales from Oyo
I suppose he's extremely busy
More back and forth
About time
Guess I left at the right time
A change?
After just a few months in office this happens. Sad
I still wanna see his six-pack though
Friends, huh?
Word.
So this is what awaits Angelina and moi?
More info on new Naira policy
Can u imagine Nigerians spraying, nay stoning, folk with coins at parties?
Let the oil flow
Gotta admire dude for how much press he generates
Bizarre
Busted
DIY
Dire
Kudos to a Nigerian company
The AG explains his point
Just in case u are counting...
A shame really
How long we gonna go on like this?
Servant leader needs to be watchful
Yet another abduction
Didn't this dude used to be a teacher? Man, wanna tell me no Nigerian politician leaves office the way he came in?
Another result of militancy
Tokyo, Auxiliary, Conscience? Who gave these dudes get their nom de plumes? Lol..they sound like characters from a bad Nollywood movie
I officially have a man crush on Yar'Adua
It's not getting any better
A damn shame
Balls of steel
It's long overdue
It's an apology how hard can it be?
Now that's sticking it to them
School fees? Friggin' school fees?Lol...now I've heard everything
Guess I'll be keeping my clothes on
Remember him?
Yup,more arrests
Time to wash those dirty linen bruv
More hankies are needed
Worth considering?
Anyone have a hanky?
An international game of chicken. Who's gonna back down first?
A Black convicted
What, no mention of my tshirt company?
Lol...has it come to this? Electroshock therapy?
Ministerial screening
The wheels come fallin' off
So Clinton feels his case is different? Bollocks
Seems we recycling the same ol' tired politicians again
Pray for their safe return
Say hello to my mentor
Uh oh
Now he talks. Yawn.
How come no one's throing money at me?
If u gonna be a playa stay outta Chitown
A disturbing trend
O O Obama
Always knew we'd top some charts
I am currently worth slightly less
Wow
This is ur ruling party Nigerians. Yes, u can weep now
Thierry Henry deserves to be treated this way
Now if I'd get this sorta support from ex-girlfriends I'd be made
The bitter truth?
Argument for end of fuel subsidy
Asari speaks from his heart
Servant leader my arse
End of an era
Ivorian payout
These guys never cease to disappoint, huh?
It's called Petro-power
Social entrepreneurs
Interessant
This revolution will be televised...and blogged about.
Emergency! Emergency! Here we go again. Don't lay all blame on pre-OBJ era when y'all had 8 years to make a change. Excuses exshmuzzes
Life in the public eye. She'd better thank her stars she doesn't live in the UK
Now that Chirac's gone accountability starts. Marvelous
How come I never heard about this?
That's the way to stick to ur guns!
Uh oh. Not this again. Let's hope they learn from mistakes of others
Tough on crime. Tough on the causes of crime
Bloody punks need more time to consider Labour demands? Punk ass punks. Labour had better not fold this time around.
Free at last, free at last? Gulp.
Thank the good Lord. There's hope for Nigeria 2
Thank the good Lord. There's hope for Nigeria 1
Reckon I look a li'l like Jon Voight?
My hero
This is Lagos beeaaattch!
Chimamanda's the ish. Er, reckon she's dating anyone? Ha.
Congressman Jefferson's tale of woe
Another angle of Nigerian politics
Google needs to activate this in Nigeria, especially police checkpoints and in traffic
Shameful
Uh oh
I wanna piss on u
Some logistics problems?! More like major, dude. Iwu had time to get things sorted but goofed. Shame. Shame.
Woah. Even greater hope, let's see the govt deny this one
This gives me even more hope
This gives me hope
It's about time the opposition got their act together? Does that mean there's no public hols? Lol.
Expose on Kwara State.....need one on other states in Nigeria, esp Abia, Edo
Now this could work in Nigeria
Mugabe again
God bless Nnamani
WAGP
Can u believe the ludicrous provision in the elctoral act actually existed?
Worth comparing
Yup, shame, shame
Heart of Africa project
Upstream investment
A worthy cause
One more from uncle Ben Stein
Re-entry into Ogoniland
More financial advice from dude who has a clue
Nigerian gas policy
Yippee, dude's found time from messing with his V.P. to commission stuff
Financial advice from Ben Stein
Blog that blew me away. Awesome
Obama baby
Yup, they still angry
20 yr Gas Purchase deal
Excuses, exsmooses..
CO2 emissions cut in cars
Ready for more excuses about dire fuel situation in the country?
Man, dude sure is angry
See, Soyinka couldn't register to vote as well.I think they disenfranchising geniuses like us
".......he loves politics and I just love politics."
Oh to write like the Sports Guy.
Chris Kattan engaged to a supermodel?!
Budget 2007
Let the mud slinging begin
Lol...Sharon's "lopsided breasts"
U call this a way to live? Meanwhile the punk ass President and VP are at each other's throats.
More political machinations
Stunning blogger
My hero....sometimes I also feel White & Nerdy
What's wrong with us?
How's constructing megastations in Abuja gonna alleviate fuel scarcity in the rest of the country?
Just so u know
Dr. King's demise
Sad, ain't it?
Don't u just love it when 2 big kahunas fight? Lol...these guys are worse than teenage girls. Can't wait for OBJ's response.
Nigerian writer's blog. Yes, I know Ayeola Mabiaku and she's that good...
Wish I'd gotten wind of this earlier
Not again...
Wish I knew who she was
Another mate's getting hitched. Excellent, excellent wedding site. I hope when Angelina leaves Brad for me we'd have something similar.
Nigerian heroes
Trust FOX to show this
See why I love Sports Guy's writing?
U gotta love politics. These Americans are just as bad as Nigerians
Go Naija writers!
God bless Nuhu Ribadu II
God bless Nuhu Ribadu I
Interesting...click on the 'Rules Of Modern Life' section
Just in case u don't believe Gen. Sonthi
I'd learn from this
Hear. Hear.
Mate's finance blog
Best Biz Ideas list
If u get any ideas from these I want my cut
A gorgeous mate's photoblog. Amazing.
When I grow up I wanna visit Vegas
She stole my idea. I knew I'da had those tattoos
Man, that's stuff
Sports Guy picks an EPL team. Hilarious.
Miguel has a blog! Miguel has a blog! Please post vile comments about the punk ass
Like I give 2
The Zeke effect
Democracy, huh?
LRA leader defends himself
NNPC vs DPR
Uh oh. I better not say nada about OBJ anymore...man, screw him.
Blair promises new focus on Africa
Interview with Kenneth Kaunda
Jungle justice
Dontcha just love to be President
Sports Guy's YouTube favs
Hear. Hear. (Click The News - Nigerians Must Resist IBB)
Awww...dude shoulda been breastfed more as a kid
Another sad tale about Africa
Go Warren Buffett
Lol...turning the tables around
OUCH!!
Sports Guy's column on NBA Finals
The Moustache Brothers
God bless Tony Dungy
Trust The Onion for reliable news on Nigeria
Another ex-colleague's blog....reckon dude's gay cos no man should write this much poetry. Ha.
A cute ex-colleague's blog...u'd see her baby pic
Kevin Sites in The Hot Zone. Hope this dude visits Nigeria soon
Transcript of Stephen Colbert's 'support' of Bush. Dude's a genius....like me
Stephen Colbert: my new white hero
A sound view on the Third Term
These guys have no shame. Punk ass punks.
Keeping it real/right
Consulting made simple
Africa's Third Reich gets a helping hand
Oooops...another African leader's principles bite the dust. Shame.
The Sports Guy reports from the NBA All-Star game
The Oscar nominations are out....guess Charlize Theron has more brains than I thot
Funny as heck....Bollywood comedy
My new hero
Soyinka speaks his mind
Ooops, hero in a spot of bother
My hero....for now, anyways
More Naija oil threats
Obasanjo and Yoruba politics
Pray for Nigeria's democracy
Funny ass Nigerian girl's blog
Ooops, here omes Black Hitler
Finally Bonga's kicked off
Status of Nigerian banks
Movies of 2005
Please pray for The Dungys
Got Breast Milk?
More Transcorp news
Liar, Liar, pants on fire
Man, I'd face this guy in a boxing ring. The punk.
Those calling for a 3rd term for Obasanjo should read this
Good Michael Redd
Phil Jackson and his issues
And u wonder why peeps are religious
Valerie Plame's husband defends actions
Stella Obasanjo controversies
The manifest of those in plane crash
Rosa Parks. God bless her soul
Commend Obasanjo and Nweke Jr.
How good is ur sight?
Al Shamshoon. Yep, The Simpsons for Arab TV
Open-source multiprotocol messenger
Hairy hat
Hilarious. My pimp name's Fadeproof Odeyemi Valentine
Go Daniel Craig
NNPC restructure
Give this Governor kudos
Self-esteem website
NNPC website
Pope na enjoyment, Imam na gbaladun...
This would go down a treat in Nigeria
The Police IG called this "a minor fracas". As if
Heaven Is So Real
Views of a dude on Uganda Stock Exchange
This is happening in Nigeria?! Who woulda guessed
Here's hoping he can spend his millions in jail. The bitch ass punk
He's a rare breed; God bless him
AfroAmerican celebs skewered
Yup, this is my country
Naija folk lamenting.....nice
Bet she wishes she was Kobe
Screw this list, I am aiming for the presidency
Shoo mosquito, don't bother me
Yeah, take the punk down
Deepwater oil blocks
U gotta love them Americans
Emergency
Do peeps still fall for this?
Craigslist
New Bid Round
Editing blog
Talk about misplaced priorities
Filthy thieves
The police is ur friend....kinda
R.Kelly TP3 review
Let's guzzle up
FRN website
New Bradford Chancellor
New Nigerian Cabinet
Man, her pain's palpable
Mazrui's take on Nigeria
For all u conspiracy theorists out there
Paris Club3
Paris Club3
Paris Club2
Paris Club1
Man, this is serious
Wolfie doing his thang
In case y'all forgot about Sudan
National Energy Policy
NEPAD
Good ol' Saddam. Like Tyson, u can always count on him for a quote.
Killer Cow: u really cannot make this stuff up
Vagaries of the Confab
My dad's bigger than urs
Catch me if u can
Black Sambo
Guess Old Wolfie not so bad afterall
A positive start
Oops
Maybe we'd all send Mike a dollar
George W. SOLO
For some strange reason my name's been left out
We gotta get them to do some work somehow
U gotta hand it to Ted Turner
IMF Article IV Consultation
Watch out for Jeb
Deep Throat
Democracy? Nah, demonstration of craze
These are my confessions...
Nigeria Pension reform
Maybe he needs a brain transplant as well
Talk about fingering the suspect
Thank God he wasn't accepted
Mr. Galloway sticking it to them
Nice to know the times are achanging
Ooops
Let the good oil flow..
Local crude refining
Keep the hope alive
Report on Nigerian economy for 1st Quarter
Me, racist? But I love black people
Positives from Nigeria
Hey, it's about time they stood up to the Presidency
Another Bosman?
Looking for a way to keep someone in jail? Stiff bail conditions
Paul Shirley's brilliant
Abacha loot
T.O. 3
T.O. 2
T.O. 1 - Maybe we'd change his name from Skip to Nostradamus
He's got a point
Kenyan politics
Italian footie
There's hope for Naija
Uh oh
Sudan aid. Let's hope this works out
This DeLay guy sure does know how to dig a hole for himself
Same ol' same ol'
PSC in Cameroun
Whose life is it anyway?
Enron
A different way of looking at the norm
Iraq-Vietnam
Bush's favorite group
Letting POWs down
Al-Jazerra
Brown for PM
Never Again
Guess the CPA is just as bad as the UN. What's that peeps say about folks in glass houses again?
Funny stuff. Kinda akin to Nigeria
These guys deserve a round of applause
Hip-Hop
Guess she won't be invited on FOX again. Click on '1. Fair and Balanced Inauguration'
Don't u just love politics
The fallout continues2: Tafa's response
The fallout continues1
Sad, but true
Jury from hell
Good on Obasanjo
Pure rhetoric?
One down, hopefully, more to go.
There's always hope.
Monsiuer Jordan, the pitches man.
A double-standard for Favre? Or maybe he's earned it.
More from The Sports Guy
Good on her
Maybe this will discourage other criminals
It takes a man to admit his failings. Bush, Obasanjo, etc. u listening?
More on pledges
Should be interesting to keep an eye on pledges
One side of the social security debate
Three cheers for Sen. Boxer
There's hope for democracy yet
This is the same guy who was recently found with thousands of pounds in his briefcase while on vacation. Let's hope he gets his just desserts
Swahili windows
Rice...and beans
Oil for food kickbacks
Don't waste ur money on a hair cut; just pull more out.
This should make u pull out ur hair. Luckily, I don't have any.
Thank God for the internet
Love thy neighbour?
Thankless task?
Quid pro quo
Steps must be taken to prevent this in future. Doubt it though
Thought stuff like this only happened in Nigeria.
A positive sign
Politics and debt. Pray for ur children
See what I mean
Crying wolf again?
Agriculture2
Agriculture1
This guy is good
An interesting blog from someone who's actually been to Fallujah
She says exactly what's in my heart in ways I could never articulate. God bless her
More conspiracies?
Well worth a peruse
Hitting the nail on the head
Sports Guy's 2004-2005 guide to the NBA Western Conference
Nothing being done yet
Salam Pax's blog
Salam Pax. Witty guy
Maybe it's time I ran for presidency of Nigeria and began my own war on terror.
Go Spitzer!
Uh oh.
Slim Shady expresses an overt opinion
Nice article. Please read what he says about the office of President
Oh really? No, O'Reilly...in deep doodle
U tell them, John
Be afriad, be very afraid
Much ado about Cheney's daughter
Final US presidential debate
Aragones
There they go again
Oil prices
US VP debate transcript
Judicial watch
War on terror? As if
More lies
Lies, and the lying liars who tell them, aka the US VP debate
Jeb Bush's reply
What do u think?
Corruption's rampant and this is all they care about?!
Told y'all
Poor O'Reilly
Info on Middle East
This is democracy?!
About time
My chance to get that elusive Oscar?
Can u believe this?
Genius
Time to pony up. Here's hoping money goes to right places
The one and only
Shaq testifies at Kobe's trial
Barack Obama
Sudan2
Sports Guy3
Sports Guy2
Sports Guy1
An argument for capital punishment
Can u spell C-R-A-Z-Y?
Stick a fork in this turkey
Sudan1
Michael Moore
Nigerian soccer

Tonight Matthew I’ll be the recently indicted despotic ruler of an African nation

2009-08-23T13:29:00.000-07:00

Hola peeps. ¿Ahora cuáles son yo que va a hacer con mi tiempo libre?

Okay it’s Sunday the 23rd of August and I am in the office doing goodness knows what. That’s what my life has become since I got done with exams - I aced it by the way…u know just in case y’all are interested. After exams I felt invincible I….wait, I actually started writing a blog entry the day I finished exams but discontinued due to laziness. Hold on, here’s an excerpt:

It’s past 6pm on 7th July 2009 and just woke up from a nap. Over a year of preparation and I got done with exams earlier today. Instead of partying like it’s 1999 I’m writing for y’all, sad, no? No, don’t get me wrong y’all are not that least bit important to me, it’s just that it’s raining the entire zoo - why does it rain like crazy whenever my car returns from the car wash? – and there’s nada to do in Warri. I’d stop complaining though ‘cos though PH may now have a cinema they experience crazy traffic, and besides Warri provides me with what I like to term “human entertainment”. For instance, two weeks ago I saw a black Hummer H2 with the vanity license plate, ‘Na God’, parked in front of a pepper-soup joint called…wait for it…..’Goatleggers’. I kid u not. I mean what sorta unoriginal name is that for a spot? That’s like calling a bakery ‘Loafers’ or a nightclub ‘Clubbers’.

Anyways it’s such a relief to finally be done with the exams. Problem is what else am I gonna do with my time now? Well, I’ve already contacted my golf coach and gonna start lessons on Friday. Yup, gonna take another shot at trying to hang on to Tiger’s coattails. Then what? Well, got books I haven’t read in a while so gonna get entertained and improve my vocabulary at the same time. And then what? I am off to PH next week to entertain some clients so that’d keep me busy. And after that? Er, er, c’mon peeps what do u want from a brother? Gimme a break.

Well, since then nada much of note has happened. I did go to PH for 2 weeks, then returned to Warri for 3 days, then back to PH for a night, then Abuja for 5 days, then PH for a night, then Warri for a night, before flying to Lagos for a week. Yup, clocked so many air miles I’m giving Ban Ki-moon a run for his money. Returned from Lagos last Monday after spending week there catching up with family and being Ayo’s best man. Yup, dude’s now officially trapped. Hee hee. No escaping anymore buddy. Can u spell R-E-S-P-O-N-S-I-B-I-L-I-T-Y? I, uh oh, more excerpts from blog entries that ended prematurely:

Had hoped to make it to Lagos after the exams but what can I say, there’s no rest for the talented. Man, been over 6 weeks since I was last in Lagos and badly miss that place. Maybe the 2-week job in PH is coming at the right time ‘cos I hear the rains have made the Apapa-Oshodi express road a death trap. Everyday I hear tales of crazy traffic on that stretch of road that only a masochist would relish. We talking 3-4 hour traffic jams for a trip that would normally take 25 minutes. This has been going on for months yet the guys at the top are unfazed. University lecturers are on strike, same with healthcare workers, power supply’s abysmal, roads are in a sorry state, yet Yar’Adua and his crew are clueless. I know, I know. I said/thought whatever these guys do would no longer bother me, but people this is frustrating. I know complaining ain’t gonna do anything and…arrrggghhhhh!!!! Reckon we’d have MJ’s They Don’t Care About Us as our rallying song for Iran, Honduras, Nigeria, everywhere.

So where was I? Yes, Ayo’s wedding. Man, it was the usual carnival atmosphere, that I have come to know and loathe, associated with family functions. My family knows way too many people! Having 11 siblings will do that to one. Man, I wanted to pull my armpit hair out and I ain’t even the groom. Too much, just way too much. Come to think of it maybe, just maybe that’s why I am scared of getting hitched. It ain’t the lifetime marriage I am scared of, it’s the wedding and engagement ceremonies! (At least that’s the excuse in my head this week.)

The day after the wedding I woke up sorta early, walked downstairs, saw the number of chairs outside and a bandstand, then went back up to bed. Yup, we were supposed to host the bride’s family but I was hoping for the bride’s closest family not another reenactment of the wedding. So instead of spending a week relaxing in Lagos I returned to Warri even more tired.

Didn’t help that Neo and moi had a huge falling out during the 2 weeks I spent in PH so when peeps didn’t see her at the wedding or the family thang the day after they kept asking what the issue was. Got so bad Chief and my mom summoned me to Chief’s room on the eve of Ayo’s wedding to have a ‘talk’. Now most parents would have other things to worry about on the eve of their kid’s wedding, but Chief’s had so many kids get hitched he’d probably play his fatherly role at a wedding in his sleep…with his hands tied behind his back. This was no Good Cop – Bad Cop routine, it was more like Bad Cop – Badder Cop. I will now attempt to reenact the entire scene (*clearing throat*):

Chief (aka Badder Cop): So what’s the problem with u and Neo?
Moi (aka Uncooperative Suspect): Nothing. We just having issues that’s all. I thought we’d be able to resolve it by today, but it appears not.

Mom (aka Bad Cop) shakes her head in disbelief….

Chief: So what exactly is the problem?
Moi: It’s something private I’d rather not talk about…
Mom: Not even with ur parents?
Moi (*becoming bolder with every question*): Nope.
Chief: I mean how bad can the problem be that u cannot share with ur parents?
Moi: It’s just private. Neo and moi decided to resolve it ourselves, that is if we can…

More head shaking from Mom.

They then ask the question in different ways like the veteran cops they are, but I was catching up on ‘The Wire’ just before I left Warri for Lagos so I didn’t budge.

Chief: I expected more from u. Ur mom and I expect more from you. After God we the next people u’d revere, and yet here u are saying u can’t talk to us about a problem in ur relationship.

Like D’Angelo Barksdale in ‘The Wire’ asking to see his lawyer I keep repeating the “It’s private” line.

Mom (*playing the sympathy card*): I don’t know why u can’t reveal stuff, but I thought Badder Cop here, sorry I meant ur dad……I thought u’ve always been freer with him. U know I ain’t feeling too well…
Chief (*quickly latching on*): Yeah, it’s all this worrying about u that’s affecting ur mom’s health. There I am telling everyone we having ur wedding in December and now u come up with this. U can’t even be bothered to tell us what the problem is, so I have an explanation when I am asked why u no longer getting married.
Moi (*feeling cojones grow larger with every sentence*): I never told u I was getting married in December. Never told u to tell anyone either. If Neo and moi don’t work out, as it increasingly seems likely, then it’ll hurt me like crazy, but that’s life. I know u guys like her, so do I, but it’s just the way it is.

Mom shakes head even more I fear she’s gonna have whiplash.

Chief (*hitting below the belt*): I can’t believe this! U sure there’s not anything physical or psychological? Is it a case that u cannot please a woman? Tell us so at least we can seek solutions. Or u don’t want to get married? U not homosexual I hope?

Mom…..well, at Chief’s last question I can feel her say “Not my portion” in her head.

Moi (*trying and almost failing to muffle laughter*): None of the above, sir. I do wanna get married. Definitely not in December, but I know I wanna get married. I am sorry to say this again, but it’s a private matter.

At this point they both rant and rave and threaten – the equivalent of the Lieutenant and co giving Bird a beat down in ‘The Wire’ S1 – but I ain’t budging. Finally, Chief says he’ll not bother me anymore, mom pretends to cry and leaves. I suspect she hides behind the door, eavesdropping. At that point I finally succumb and tell Chief the score.

Chief (*relieved his son ain’t gay*): Now that was foolish of u. Terribly, utterly foolish. U’d not have said that to her. Okay so u want me to talk to her? No? Okay I’ll respect ur wishes.

Respect my wishes? Did he heck! Found out he called Neo and tried to soothe things over but dude made it worse. Right now I ain’t even bothered. Not keen on a relationship so just taking things easy, which is not so difficult to do in Warri. If I was any other place….man, u’da seen me after Neo and moi fell out a month ago. All of a sudden it seemed as if I changed my cologne or something. Every female I said hello to wanted to know me better. It was when the security lady at the PH airport came on to me I had to look around to ensure I wasn’t being filmed. Yes, I still believe there’s a Tunde Show out there where my every move is being documented for y’all’s viewing pleasure. If that indeed is the case here’s a middle finger (covered in rear of the nose boggie) to y’all voyeurs.

Speaking of middle appendages, that’s what I wanted to show everyone at Ayo’s wedding who came up to me telling me I’m next to get married. Ti e no a de o. Oh yeah, well f%$& u! A ma se ti e no o. Well, kiss my blistered left arse cheek!

Don’t get me wrong it ain’t like I don’t appreciate the greetings, but it’s kinda cliche, dontcha think? I wish Hallmark would come up with greeting cards for such occasions so people wouldn’t have to repeat the same tired, worn out phrases again and again. Just like when peeps find out a relationship’s ended they feel it would be outta place if they didn’t enquire as to the reason for the discontinuation of said relationship. What the?

Woosha, woosah. Sorry peeps I didn’t mean to get all Malcolm X-esque. (Geddit? The letter ‘X’ and ‘esque’ sorta rhyming? Aw, forget yous.) It’s just that b4 I tried to emulate Mr. Ki-moon I had two golf lessons after a break of almost a year, and I was good. In fact I was very good. Fast forward to yesterday and my swing’s back to where it was a year ago. Awful, just plain awful. As I am about to embark on another trip to PH and then to the R.I.G. – yup, I am back on that assignment again – the coach and moi agreed I’d wait ‘til I have at least an uninterrupted week b4 we start lessons again. Dude feels the stop-start sessions are doing more harm than good. I wanna practice alone but coach advised against it. Said I’d build some habits that would be difficult to shake, thus making his job harder. So instead of playing golf I am here with y’all conversating about yet another failed relationship. Sad, huh?

Maybe life would be more interesting if I kept a journal – oops I do that already. Er, er, what else do I have to do in Warri to keep me sane? Maybe I’d start a separate blog about my issues with perfecting a golf swing. Nah, who would read it? Besides my entries would be few and far between – sorta like this one, huh? Ha - seeing as I can’t find the time to have lessons on consecutive days.

A more revealing blog on relationships, perhaps? Nah, that’s what my journal is for. Besides what happens in a few years when I have kids old enough to read? How am I gonna explain to them that dad had to date a boat load of women until he came across their mom, and that if one day mommy dearest decides to leave dad they should tell her dad revealed to them his most treasured book is the limited edition of O.J. Simpson’s If I Did It, Here’s How. Ha huh ha huh ha huh. Seriously though, ever wonder how Madonna’s gonna explain the Erotica video or the JPG pointed bra to her kids? I guess that’s where trust funds come in.

While in PH caught Definitely, Maybe, starring Ryan Reynolds and Abigail Breslin, on TV. In it Ryan has to tell his daughter Abigail the story of how he ended up with her mom, who he’s about to divorce. Sweetest movie ever. Also reminded me of my life and relationships I had been in. Movie also had me praying hard that I don’t have a daughter – with my mom having only male grandkids the odds don’t favour my not spawning females – so I won’t have to search for words to explain to her like Ryan did when Abigail tells him, “Dad, I love u, but can’t believe that u once smoked, and drank, and that you were a slut”. Er, if the year is 2030 and u are my daughter reading this while piloting ur flying car, just know that daddy loves u very much and is glad u are a girl, and wouldn’t swap u for a boy – who he’s sure woulda played for Arsenal FC – for all the money lent to nonpaying debtors in the Nigerian banking scandal of 2009.

A lot has happened since last blog entry and maybe it’s best to concentrate on that than the stupid actions that made Neo leave me. Here goes:

The Iranian Election: Kinda ironic that the flawed elections happened on June 12th, no? (*Only Nigerians might get that point*). I was so disappointed I didn’t know what to do. How can u justify treating one’s own people this way? As the violent election fallout occurred while revising for exams, and as I normally go all Spartan - read disheveled appearance, not killing wild animals in the snow - while studying, decided not to shave beard as a way to support the struggle in Iran. I know it’s a weird thang to do, but just like the problems in Nigeria I am at a loss at what other action to take in order to effect change. So for the past 10 weeks I haven’t shaved my goatee – after 4 weeks I decided just to stick to the goatee and shaved rest of facial hair ‘cos when I’d go to church peeps would look at me all weird thinking, “What’s this Muslim brother doing here?”, and kids would run to their parents when they saw me.

All in all I need to find another way to make my voice heard ‘cos this 10-week goatee thang ain’t having the desired impact. CNN’s Fareed Zakaria made a good point at highlighting the hypocrisy of Muslim leaders after the clampdown on Uighurs in China and the post-election violence in Iran. Not a peep was heard, but when the US or Israel or the West is involved riots break out. Taleban been blowing up fellow Muslims, no response from the so-called “leaders”; Western Sahara has been occupied by Morocco for yonks, still nada. U know I was gonna start the previous sentence by stating I have nada against Muslims and my best mate is Muslim, and I have Muslim family members, but think that’s what’s wrong with us. We put ethnicity and religion into everything . So if u upset and wanna balance things out in ur brain feel free to peruse previous blog entries and see where I have criticized Xtian leaders as well. Happy now, punk?

Twisted thinking due to post-exam ennui: Speaking of which while driving – read stuck in traffic yet again - around PH was struck by the number of photos of pastors and their partners accompanying billboards of churches. When did church leaders become a product? I am not talking about advertising a new church program or anything, nope, just a billboard describing church location. What gives?

Come to think of it on same day observed a microcosm of what’s wrong with Nigeria, the world even. U see I came across racist goats – saw two black goats chasing away a grey one. Can just imagine them saying (*in goat speak obviously*), “U black wannabe, wigger u. Coming here with ur blinged hoofs and bejeweled horns and ur baggy fur and ur goatee all corn-rowed up. U not from the hood son. Go up to the GRA with ur Caucasian brothers. Looking at our black sisters and all….Shiieeee….”

And like y’all know once my mind starts wandering it doesn’t stop. On same day while listening to Nigerian music thought of what better way to build up patriotic fervor in our kids by organizing a national spelling bee where kids get to spell words like, Ogborikoko or Toyentoyen or Chinekeme or Unugegbumadu, etc.

Also couldn’t help thinking about the dude that first devised the Marmite ad campaign. Dude’s either a genius or the laziest punk ever. Love it or hate it? What the?

Michael Jackson: Was watching The Situation Room on CNN when the news broke about MJ’s death. What a sad way to go. My favorite songs of his are Human Nature, PYT, Who Is It, Man In The Mirror and She’s Out Of My Life. Favorite videos? Probably Liberian Girl and The Making Of Thriller.

Of course after his death MJ’s videos were played ad nauseam and couldn’t help but notice the ff:
a. MJ might have had what Nigerians call the ‘H factor’ (an effect in speech where one consonantises – yup, a new word I invented - words that begin with a vowel by prefixing them with an H, hence ugly is pronounced ‘hugly’, after ‘hafter’, octopus ‘hoctopus’, etc.) Serious. Listen to Give In To Me again. Dude clearly sings, “…But it’s Hokay, And it’s Hokay…”
b. Bad is a really, really crappy song. Video is even worse. I think Michael wrote certain songs so one can’t dance to them without emulating the choreography that accompanied the video to the song. Think of it, how does one dance to Bad or Black Or White? Only li’l kids who don’t know any better or drunk white folk at weddings can successfully dance to those song and feel accomplished.
c. Now I get what the uproar at time was about concerning the panther sequence at the end of Black Or White. All that shirt ripping and nipple rubbing? Hee hee.
d. MJ’s been described as a genius, the king of pop, wacko. One description I feel was left out is the Pepe Le Pew of music. Watch The Way You Make Me Feel again and u’ll get the point.

Had to watch the Michael Jackson memorial – plan was to watch PTI on ESPN - ‘cos it rained heavily that day and only channel showing was BBC News, which broadcast the memorial. While watching the memorial thought to myself, “Guess what initially made me jaded about the whole MJ thang was folk desperately trying to cry on TV. U knew it was fake, it wasn’t ‘til a close friend called and said she cried when she heard about his death – she wouldn’t lie - that I understood what he meant to peeps. Maybe I am not that emotional, maybe…ooh Smokey Robinson’s on TV. Dude’s a cool cat. Tracks Of My Tears is one of my fave songs of all times.”

Saw Rev Al Sharpton at the memorial and couldn’t help but wonder where his church is. Is it beside Jesse Jackson’s as they seem to appear quick on the scene whenever there’s a news story with a ‘black’ undertone. Sharpton made the most poignant point of the night when he said though MJ may have been an icon to us it’s really his kids that have lost a father, his parents a son, his siblings a brother. The hokiest moment of the night? Well, that’d be a tie b/w Usher’s pretentious gaze at the coffin after singing Gone Too Soon, Brooke Shields’ attempt at humor, the rhinestone gloves donned by MJ’s brothers, and the unauthorized declaration by that lady from the U.S. House of Representatives to put forth a motion for MJ to be declared a national icon.

Politics: Sarah Palin might be a quitter, but she’s still hot. In fact she’s so hot the best thang about Eminem’s Relapse was her lookalike in the We Made You video.

Y’all heard about the Mark Sanford scandal? Teaches u once again that dissing Bill Clinton – Stanford was one of those who voted to impeach Clinton during the Lewinski scandal ‘cos “….if lying to the American people wasn’t bad enough he broke his vow to his wife” – can be likened to a player leaving Arsenal: ur career never attains same heights. Sanford sounded like Barry White when talking about his Argentine love. Ha. Oops, maybe I’d stop relishing this if I hope to assume public office someday.

“So why are we Hondurans so blasé? Our weak political memory is a defense mechanism. Too many times we’ve greeted the inauguration of a new president with optimism, only to eventually feel fooled and frustrated by the political incompetence and corruption that followed…..”

The previous paragraph was gleaned from a NY Times Op-Ed piece by a Honduran, Roger Marín Neda. He was commenting on the coup that forced the Honduran president Zelaya into exile. Replace ‘Hondurans’ with ‘Nigerians’ in the paragraph and that pretty much sums up all that ails us.

Mr. Neda went on, “……And Mr. Zelaya, in many ways, is a typical Honduran politician. He began his four-year term in January 2006, and by mid-2008, the idea of a second term was already in the air, even though it is forbidden by the Constitution. Since its independence from Spain in 1821, Honduras has had 16 constitutions, as these documents were vulnerable to leaders’ desire to extend their stay in office. The current constitution, which came into effect in 1982 after many years of military rule, was written to forever protect the country against presidents’ overstaying their welcome.

But over the years, the lust for power has proved too strong. The first president under the 1982 Constitution, Roberto Suazo Córdova, sought to eliminate the constitutional prohibition. Most of his successors have also tried, one way or another, to stay in the presidential palace longer than they were constitutionally allowed.”

Again that could be the sorry tale of Nigeria. I knew I was at my wit’s end when some weeks ago I found myself sympathizing with some of MEND’s policies, even though I am a pacifist – read wuss – and I don’t subscribe to kidnapping of innocents. What else can one do? Generations before have written about the deplorable Nigerian leadership yet nada’s changed. They’ve gone on exile, shouted from the rooftops, given interviews to the foreign media, yet the rot remains the same. My goatee-protest is having no effect, in fact it’s growing so long I have noticed it twisting into locks; I dunno what else to do. Who would have thunk Yar’Adua’s lackadaisical attitude to things would lead to menticide on my part?

Maybe it’s time we employed a different tactic in order to make our leaders listen. Didn’t know they cared until Obama shunned Nigeria, the self-proclaimed giant of Africa, for Ghana. Oh man, it ate at the venal punks. Ha, it ate at them so much the leaders of the Legislature refused to meet Mrs. Clinton when she showed up weeks after. Even then the US Secretary of State lambasted the failure of leadership in Nigeria. That hurt the thieves even more and the EFCC chairperson – what’s up with her and sunglasses anyways; she related to Sani Abacha or something? – tried to defend her actions since taking office. Quite amusing when one thinks about it.

I reckon the tactic we should employ is exposing our dirty linen for the world to mock, maybe then our leaders would have a sense of shame and do something. Forget the whole Good People, Great Nation rebranding schtick, we’d take pics of crap infrastructure and post it on the web. Tried to do this with our airline industry (www.pullingmyhairout-ng.com), but haven’t found the most effective way to expose the rot so please your suggestions are needed. Heck, if have secret documents indicting our rulers post it up.

Wanna know why the militants kidnap oil workers and not past Niger Delta state governors who looted the treasury? It’s ‘cos the former are within easy reach. I reckon we’d use similar tactics to disgrace our leaders; u mightn’t be able to reach ur senator but u’d probably bribe – yeah, I wrote it! – his/her maid to provide u dirt on the senator’s activities. U mightn’t be able to reach a top presidential aide but u’d reach his driver and convince him to ‘mistakenly’ pass a deplorable stretch of road so ‘His Excellency’ encounters what the general populace does. U a concert promoter? The next time a top artiste arrives in the country take them through Apapa-Oshodi express way and implore them to give honest answers the next time they asked about Nigeria. “I loved the Nigerian fans, they real good people. They just gotta do something about their crap roads and erratic power supply.” Now if only I can get R. Kelly to write a hit song like that.

Tot ziens and God bless.

Who would want a third nipple anyways?

2009-06-06T10:15:00.000-07:00

Hola peeps. ¿Quién dijo que la responsabilidad era una tan buena cosa?

I know I told y’all it’d be a while b4 I blogged again, but need a canvas on which to sort stuff in my head out, and since I’d not go jogging this morning – more on that later – y’all are gonna have to do. Besides if y’all are lucky this post will be really short as my crap Bachelor feeding lifestyle – today I had two granola bars for breakfast, drank garri with groundnut for brunch, cornflakes and ice cream for lunch, powdered milk for er, er ‘cos I was peckish, and suya for supper – is making me long for a home-cooked meal, and even though it’s almost midnight I am tempted to wake up my married friends to see if they have any leftover food in the fridge.

This wouldn’t have happened if I still had Hot Cleaning Lady’s (HCL) number – it was on phone that was in luggage that got nicked in Holland. Actually I am pretty sure I can trace all that currently ills me to missing luggage. Peep this: I woke mad ‘cos I couldn’t go jogging. Why? ‘Cos laundry guy said he couldn’t provide clothes as at when due ‘cos of spate of downpours during the week, and my spare set of shorts was in missing luggage. Instead had to work out in pair of jeans and wasn’t too comfortable ‘cos was forced to wear ‘emergency’ boxers ‘cos of what I mentioned earlier about laundry guy. In fact I’ve had to recycle same three pairs of boxers shorts in the past week ‘cos of what I mentioned earlier about laundry guy. Saddest thang is I have noticed tread marks on emergency boxers – white in colour – that has led me to believe I either have runs on days I wear white boxers and don’t clean my arse too well afterwards or my farts have a way of staining whatever they come in contact with and I’ve just noticed it ‘cos of white boxers shorts. Or maybe I seem to have spray farts on days I wear white boxers shorts. Hmmm, maybe there’s a correlation between colour of boxer shorts and what I choose to consume…..or maybe the reading is getting to me.

Yeah, was also mad at having to start exam revisions from scratch when I already had my version of Cliff Notes in missing luggage. Decided to take a break from studying and while flipping channels I came across a report of Yul Brynner on the History Channel. What struck me most was a tale by the director John Frankenheimer. He said once he and Yul were discussing about their past relationships and he offered that some people refuse to get involved in relationships for fear of being hurt; Yul responded, and I am paraphrasing here, “Love is the most wonderful thing in the world and being in love and getting hurt is like going to the world’s best restaurant and having the world’s best meal, and then complaining when the check comes. Getting hurt is the check.”

That line threw me for a loop. I guess it resonated ‘cos lately been thinking of the relationships I have been in and the pros and cons of each ex, and how I mighta done things differently and such, and I got miffed. Not at any ex in particular or myself, just at some of the relationships that I wish had ‘fully’ ended if u know what I mean. Case in point is ex in Spain who has been calling lately, telling me she misses me and other soppy stuff. This is someone who was in the UK at the same time as moi in April yet came up with some excuse or the other not to meet up, and as soon as I left for Holland she started calling asking if I’d be returning to the UK soon. Back in October 1996 when I moved to the UK the first letter I wrote her was about the intriguing Asian chicks I met at Bradford and particularly some stunner called Bamini. Now I agree that that wasn’t the nicest way to update one’s girlfriend back in Nigeria about the goings-on at Bradford, but I was young(ish)….and Bamini was so scorching hot. Now I never did step to Bamini – she had a boyfriend at the time and later went out with her even hotter friend; yet another relationship I felt never ‘fully’ ended – but still when I returned to Nigeria for a 2 week vacation months later all ex did was tease me about Bamini. It was after I returned to the UK she started calling trying to have a ‘serious’ conversation. That’s what gets me miffed, that she still acts the same way even after 12 years.

That’s why I badly needed to go jogging earlier today. Jogging solo helps clear my head and work out frustrations. ‘Cos I am trying to be more organized and channel thoughts in a proper manner instead of haphazardly like I normally do I actually wrote down things I was mad about that I’d deal with during jog. This morning was supposed to be first trial ‘cos normally my jogging sessions go a li’l something like:

I am mad at ex in Spain for telling me she misses me and hopes we can be together. I am mad at the recent spate of rain showers that’s forcing me to wash my boxers shorts over and over again. What am I paying the laundry guy for? Mad at the rain for falling as soon as I had waxed my car. Mad at decision to cop white boxers shorts in Holland…well, I was in a hurry so can’t be faulted for picking whatever I saw on the shelf………(Lap 1)

Mad at the Labour government for pissing off everyone. They came into power in the UK few months after I moved to Bradford and promised so much. Now they just as crap as the Tories. Politicians, eh. Let’s not get started at the jokers here. The other day Goodluck Jonathan was at the Abuja Car Show and lamented that a huge nation as ours has not manufactured a car, yet punk failed to mention he and his buddies have put no policies in place, much less infrastructure to actualize such a dream. Mad at Yar’Adua for being Yar’Adua. Mad that I still get involved in conversations with colleagues at the firm when the subject of how crap Nigeria is comes up. Mad that I still have as clients those whose husbands are responsible for the dire state of the nation. Mad that more than 4 years after return to Nigeria I still have loadsa questions and no solutions……(Lap 2)

Mad that my thought process still goes off on tangent as demonstrated by previous laps. I mean I started this jog ‘cos of calls from ex and yet here I am about to think of goodness knows what next. Must stay focused, must stay focused. Yes, I am mad at ex for, what was I mad at her for in the first place? Who cares? It’s not like we ever getting back together, it’s just that she’s one of my favourite exs and wait, so if one of my not-so-fav exs asks what I really think of her would I honestly tell her? Nah, don’t think so. Been there, got the scar on the head to show for it. Speaking of scars I wonder if I’d step to mate’s sister who has a thang for scars. She’s real hot and…nah, might complicate things. U know how relationships are. Man, what I really need is George Clooney’s lifestyle. All the women he dates know he ain’t gonna marry them but they still date him. I need to find out where he gets his dates from…….(Lap 3)

Tweet tweet tweet, wait, what was I thinking about b4? Yes, Clooney. What does he have that I don’t? Okay there’s the hair, but I am sure I can get a toupee. There’s the fame. Hmmmm, that has to be it. Sure he has the money and the hair, but it’s the fame that keeps those women flocking even if they know he’s never gonna marry them. Look at Hugh Hefner for goodness sake. I need to get me famous. Let’s see, let’s see…..only way to achieve fame seems like my illusive TV show. Man, that’s another thang. Mad at myself that after 3 years nada’s happened with tee shirts or TV show idea. Man, once exams are done next month might have to take time off work to concentrate on those ventures….(Lap 4)

Woah, getting real tired. Maybe I’d stop…nah, I gotta keep going on. I gotta make it to sixth lap. But I am bored, I am tired of seeing same scenery over and over again. Maybe I’d get me an iPod nano to accompany me while jogging. Maybe not. How else would I be able to clear my head? Speaking of which, what else am I mad about? Yeah, I am mad that I am the only one that seems to notice Warri girls’ penchant for yellow trousers. Friggin’ yellow trousers, who wears them? Warri girls do, but no one else seems to notice. Hey, maybe that’d be the title of my book: ‘Haley Joel Osment sees dead people, I see girls in yellow trousers’. Ha. Man, I kill myself. Hmmm, if only I can transfer that to a TV show. It’d be like a cross of The Chappelle Show and The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Yeah, yeah. Thang is might have to change format to webisodes ‘cos none of those I met affiliated with TV stations don’t think our democracy is at a point where u can take the piss outta politicians and not get ur TV station’s activities overslaughed or downright shut down. Hmmm, maybe I’d concentrate on writing that book first. Speaking of books, finally read Chief’s autobiography. Impressed with the man. Dude was crazy transparent, wasn’t he? I hear the moms weren’t too happy with the level of transparency and I can see where they are coming from, but hey, it’s his life. Funniest story relating to the book is regarding 7-year old niece who read the book and ran up to her mom screaming, “I didn’t know granddad has 3 wives!” Lol……(Lap 5)

Man, so tired, wanna stop. Nah, must keep going. Must think of the garri and cold water waiting at the end of this lap. Man, really need to get me a cook. Garri, garri garri…cold water, cold water, cold water…groundnut, groundnuts, groundnuts….Ha. Amazing what keeps me going, huh? Man, need to shave head after this. Think I am gonna leave beard unshaved ‘til after exams. Yeah, yeah. Man, can’t wait to get done with exams so I can take a week off in Lagos. I’d better treasure these visits ‘cos they becoming few and far between. It’ll be ace to see family gathered again for Ayo’s wedding – where I am the best man - in August. Yeah, dude’s stuck with August but as his bride-to-be is Muslim, and there’s a Muslim fast in August, they’d to move the wedding backward by a week. Man, wouldn’t that be funny? Peeps fasting and being forced to participate in a wedding? ‘Now we have the groom about to feed the bride…oh no, the bride has refused to open her mouth…oops, she’s fasting, that’s right.’ Ha. Man, I kill myself. Was real ace seeing entire family for Chief’s 70th birthday party. Day after the party I took nephews and nieces out to catch the movie BOLT. Man, it was so much fun…well, who am I kidding? Let’s just say it was fun spoiling them but I was drained. I need to rent that movie ‘cos I still can’t tell what happened ‘cos whenever a good scene came on someone wanted to use the bathroom. That’ll teach me for buying kiddies a bottle of soda each. Man, still amazed how kids can cry on cue if u don’t give them what they want. I wonder if I was like that as a kid…nah, probably not…..garri, garri garri…cold water, cold water, cold water…groundnut, groundnuts, groundnuts…..yeah, apart from one nephew being scared of the clown at the fun fair and then peeing on himself, and another nephew pouring ice-cream on himself it was fun being Superuncle. Woah, almost done. Okay now time for the sprint to finish off this lap. Here goes….(Lap 6)

Now u understand why I am pissed I didn’t get to go jogging and try out new ‘organized’ thought process. Even worse, I still have these thoughts in my head and no way to jog them out (Geddit? JOG them out, like JOGGING one’s memory? Aw, forget yous.); and telling y’all about them didn’t help either. So thanks for nothing folks. At times like these I reward myself with some candy, but I am trying to cut down on those too. Yeah I know, who am I kidding, right? Off to drive in the rain to get me some.

Tot ziens (yes, it’s back) and God bless.

PS
Was just thinking that tale of missing luggage could provide inspiration for a less offensive, more populist TV show, possibly a sitcom, and hopefully when it’s real successful and in syndication in Holland the perpetrators that took my luggage would sue me for not crediting them with the idea. Then I’d finally have my Charles Bronson-like revenge. (*Cue evil genius laugh*) Ha huh ha huh huh ha ha huh.

PPS
Just thinking (yes, again) the TV sitcom idea isn’t a bad one, even have the theme music lined up.
THIS IS A STORY ALL ABOUT HOW MY LIFE GOT TWIST TURNED UPSIDE DOWN I'D LIKE TO TAKE A MINUTE JUST SIT RIGHT THERE I'LL TELL YOU HOW I BECAME THE PRINCE OF A ~~TOWN~~ COUNTRY CALLED ~~BELAIR~~ HOLLAND.
IN ~~WEST PHILADELPHIA~~ LAGOS BORN AND RAISED ON THE PLAYGROUND IS WHERE I SPENT MOST OF MY DAYS CHILLIN OUT MAX AND RELAXIN ALL COOL AND SHOOTIN SOME ~~B-BALL~~ FOOTBALL OUTSIDE OF THE SCHOOL WHEN A COUPLE OF GUYS WHO WERE UP TO NO GOOD STARTED MAKIN TROUBLE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD I GOT IN ONE LITTLE FIGHT AND MY MOM GOT SCARED SHE SAID YOU'RE MOVING WITH YOUR AUNTIE AND UNCLE IN BELAIR I WHISTLED FOR A CAB AND WHEN IT CAME NEAR THE LISCENSE PLATE SAID FRESH AND THERE WERE DICE IN THE MIRROR IF I CAN SAY ANYTHING IT'S THAT THIS CAB WAS RARE BUT I THOUGHT NAW FORGET IT YO HOME TO BELAIR WE RODE UP TO THE HOUSE AROUND 7 OR 8 AN I YELLED TO THE CABBY YO HOLMES SMELL YOU LATER I LOOKED AT MY KINGDOM I WAS FINALLY THERE TO SIT ON MY THRONE AS A PRINCE OF BELAIR STOLE MY SUITCASE. OH U JUST WAIT TIL I GET THEM. U JUST WAIT. HA HUH HA HUH HUH…

Once bitten twice shy u turn into a vampire

2009-05-31T06:23:00.000-07:00

Hola peeps. Nunca he estado tan alegre ser detrás casero.

As has been the norm in last few blog entries ur fav blogger should begin this entry by apologizing to y’all and promising (yet again) not to stay away for such a long time and……well, ur fav blogger ain’t doing that. He’s gotta be upfront with y’all that his entries are gonna be few and far between until his exams are done in July. It’s just the way it is peeps. Believe me, so much has gone on that I would love to write to y’all daily but there just ain’t the time. I actually planned to write y’all when I arrived Holland on the 3rd of May, but my luggage got nicked outside the crib by the beach I was renting….at 3.30pm! What a RUUD awakening. (Geddit? Ruud, a Dutch name? Aww, forget yous. Y’all are never gonna get it. Punks.) B4 I tell y’all what I went thru lemme just say I think this incident – soon to be detailed in the yet-to-be-published Nancy Drew and The Case of The Black Man’s Missing Suitcase – made me realize it could be a sign to hold off on marriage for a while longer.

Peep this: Earlier this year Neo called outta the blue and we had an encouraging conversation. Was so ecstatic I contacted my sis Nike in the UK and told her to order an engagement ring for me. I kid thee not. As I didn’t have the foggiest idea what Neo’s ring size was I told her to get me an adjustable ring – apparently such things exist - using her finger as a base case. Few weeks later she said the ring she ordered online was delivered, but wasn’t up to her specification. Told her not to fret as I’d be in the UK in April and we’d go ring shopping together. Fast forward to April 30th and after roaming around Hatton Gardens for 30 minutes I gave up and told her I’d get the ring in Holland. As luggage (with all of UK shopping) got nicked the day I arrived on Dutch shores had to use bucks reserved for the ring to purchase emergency clothes. If that’s not a sign I dunno what is. I ain’t thinking about anything else ‘til my exams are done in July. After then MIGHT cop an engagement ring….MIGHT!

Man, never could believe my luggage would be stolen. Arrived at the crib I’d be renting with two female (MARRIED) colleagues but they weren’t in. Kept knocking on door for 30 minutes b4 I decided to go search for a pay phone so I’d call the landlord. A 5-minute walk yielded no success – do the Dutch have an allergy to pay phones?- I returned to find my heavy as heck suitcase missing. At that point I didn’t put my Nigerian hat on; I somehow felt my colleagues had returned, seen my suitcase, taken it in the house, and commenced a search for me. It wasn’t ‘til when I saw some dodgy dude glancing at me my Spidey sense started tingling that something might be up.

Tunde: Excuse me, did u see any suitcase here?
Dodgy dude (*avoiding eye contact and trying to escape*): I don’t know. I don’t know.

Dodgy dude them bums a cigarette off a passer-by and immediately walks away. I follow him, asking God to forgive me for judging dude just ‘cos he looked bedraggled. Somehow though I knew luggage was gone. Followed dodgy dude ‘til he took some dodgy route to an underpass then I backed off. I still had my passport and spare cash on me and didn’t wanna lose those either. Returned to the crib to find flatmates who said they hadn’t seen luggage. Friggin’ dodgy dude. I knew it was him from the beginning! Ran to the police station and made a statement. From the look on the policewoman’s face I knew not to get my hopes up. Got home and curled into a fetal position while banging my head on wall repeatedly – yes, I am that flexible - for being so foolish as to think no one would take suitcase. Didn’t think anyone would have the balls to nick a heavy-as-heck suitcase – was so heavy I had to pay 110 quid from Heathrow for excess baggage fee – in broad daylight. U know what makes this hurt even more? Earlier in the day I was chuffed that I had done good deed for the day ‘cos two teenage girls had asked me to cop some weed for them and I turned them down. Who knows maybe they were in on it with dodgy dude.

The police asked me to return the next day with a list of the things that were in suitcase – apparently I was too distraught on Sunday to think straight – and as I made out the list I shed a tear for each item. As I had been in the UK for a week prior I’d done loadsa shopping and only thang I planned to purchase in Holland after paying for rent and food for 3 weeks was an extra suitcase and the aforementioned ring. (I think I am most in touch with my feminine side when I shop for clothes and shoes. I get a buzz that doesn’t dissipate ‘til a day or two later. U’da seen me during day of shopping. For all the shirts I picked out I already had a set of pants to go with them. Even copped two skinny ties that woulda killed with a purple polo shirt. Now u can imagine why I was sad.)

It was during break on the first day of the course I copped emergency items: a hat, a jumper, two shirts, a pair of jeans, a facial cum nose hair clipper, and 6 pairs of boxer shorts. U’da seen me the day after rocking a grey hat, green jumper, light blue polo shirt, tight as heck jeans; I looked like an orphaned, geeky stepchild nobody wanted that was dressed by Stevie Wonder. It was almost as if I was paying penance for being stupid enough to leave suitcase in the first place. For the rest of the week had a recurring dream where I found someone wearing one of my clothes and clobbered the dude b4 calling the cops. I even got in full Charles Bronson (from the Death Wish movies) mode walking down dimly lit alleyways hoping, nah praying, someone would try to mug me so I’d take out my frustrations on them. I am friggin’ Nigerian for goodness sake! No way my stuff should get nicked.

I won’t lie losing the clothes and shoes hurt – u’da seen the shoes I bought they were brown leather with tassels, yup, I am bringing tassels back in style – but what made me shed extra tears were the books. I had been studying for these exams for over a year now and had my study notes just right. Do u know how difficult it is to sketch out various choreographs? I had hoped to pass them down to my son in case he chose the same line of work as his pops. And now these heirlooms are gone for good. Oh man, where do I start?

Few days after the dodgy dude nicked my stuff mom called to commiserate on missing luggage. As is the Nigerian way she threw a positive spin on it thanking God that I didn’t observe my bag getting nicked else I mighta wanted to act and the perpetrators mighta stabbed me or possibly worse. That got me thinking of all the sympathy votes I’da garnered….hmmmm. I know, I know it’s sick to think that way but lately that’s the kinda twisted reasoning my mind has been coming up with. For instance, I also tried to justify missing luggage as a chance to refine my wardrobe from tight fitting tee-shirts to oversize baggy shirts, u know like was popular in the mid 90s. Why? ‘Cos back in the UK I was taken to a nite club frequented by Naija folk and in between avoiding the girl with dodgy breath that wanted champagne – I was a wingman – and noticing I hadn’t been out clubbing for so long that I may have lost my mojo I saw a plethora of guys wearing tight fitting tees, almost like a scene from a typical gym when guys flex whenever they pass a mirror. Always prided myself on being different (I started shaving head clean at 16 b4 it became fashionable to do so, dyed hair blonde b4 Sisqo came and ruined it for moi, etc) and thought what would be more different than wearing baggy clothes while everyone was accentuating their guns with tight tees. I know someday I gotta get married and have kids and become more responsible, but until then it’s baggy shirts and dungarees, baby.

Speaking of kids the highlight of week spent in the UK was hanging with nephews and niece. I felt crazy chuffed after nephew Taiwo was trying to replicate a paper boat his teacher had made earlier in the day, and I did it. I friggin’ remembered how to make a boat outta paper; something I last did in kindergarten! Taiwo and his sister kept producing paper from their mom’s printer and I kept churning out boats. I even got cocky with it, timing myself, building paper boats blindfolded, it was amazing. I was like SuperUncle to them that day.

Saw other nephew Zane three days later and dude’s still as cheeky as ever, in other words he still reminds me of me as a kid. Dude’s also an Arsenal supporter –poor guy – and calls all Man Utd supporters girls. Dunno whether I’d be proud of this or be wary I may have a future hooligan on my hands. He told me a funny story about a dude in his class called Adrian who acts all effeminate and wants everyone to call him Princess Adriana. Now this dude is 5 years old, how come he already knows he wants to be a she? This is one of those instances I wish I was a filmmaker so I’d shoot a documentary on Adrian(a) and see how he/she develops as he/she grows older. The wonders of life, eh?

Kinda surprising that throughout years I spent at Bradford I didn’t tour Europe so this time I decided to visit friends in Sweden and France. Thank goodness I copped tickets to both places b4 the ‘incident’ in Holland else I’da spent airfare on clothing. So here’s a synopsis of both countries:

Gothenburg, Sweden: Arrived about 10pm Friday May 8th and took bus from airport to mate’s crib. Kinda disappointed there weren’t better-looking girls on bus, after all Scandinavian women are supposed to be blonde and beautiful. Met mate, had dinner, fell asleep watching Season 1 of Entourage. Apparently, she has links to websites where she downloads movies and TV series. Tsk, tsk, tsk. That didn’t stop me from wishing I had Vincent Chase’s lifestyle though.
Woke up about 11am the next day and went to explore the city of Gothenburg. Quite small city center. Things seem more expensive than the UK – I gather Norway’s even more expensive - and discovered alcohol’s regulated by the government and only one store chain is allowed to sell the stuff. Amazing. Wasn’t awestruck by any of the women ‘til went to a café with mate and her mates. U’da seen this girl peeps. She took my breath away with her looks. Everything was in slow motion the minute she walked into the café. Funniest thang is I’d tell just by looking at her that she has a better looking sister. Dunno why, I just could. After my exams I am desperately seeking a job in Sweden.
Left for Holland on Sunday May 10th and wished I’da spent more time in the country. As they say it’s better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all….even if it’s a girl across the café who (possibly) has a better looking sister and doesn’t know I exist. Oh yeah, also added fika and sanbo to my vocabulary; though I reckon the latter’s origin is from a pejorative.

Paris, France: Arrived about 10pm Friday May 15th and saw the most beautiful older black lady at the airport; think Bimbo Oloyede of Nigeria’s Channels News. Took subway from airport to hotel I shared with colleague. The subway stations are way larger than those in the UK, but aren’t maintained as well. To be honest they downright stink. Was crazy hungry so black nose led me to the KFC closest to the hotel. Quickly learnt to queue up in the line in front of the attendant that had a Union Jack and French flag inscribed on his nametag. Noticed some big black dude close to the cashier and later discovered he’s the security guard. Seems ALL shops, eateries, etc have BLACK security guards. In fact over the next few days I saw more black people in Paris than I had seen growing up in Nigeria.
Woke up early next day and did the touristy thang. Wore a short sleeve shirt hoping the weather would cooperate. Boy, was I wrong. Went to the top of the Eiffel Tower and couldn’t enjoy the view as much ‘cos it was crazy freezing. Impressive though. Amazing what man can achieve when he puts his mind to it. Was just as impressed by the Notre Dame and the ace shops on the Champs-Elysees. Last up on the agenda for the day was the Moulin Rouge. Now what can I say about the, ahem, art on display at the Moulin Rouge? The juggler was ace, the ventriloquist was amazing, but man, the breasts on display were…how best can one describe them? C’est magnifique. Suffice to say I dreamt of breasts so much for three consecutive days after the hour and a half of entertainment at the Moulin Rouge that I wanted to become a gynecologist. In a recurring theme in Paris there were loadsa black security guards outside the venue but just two black people on stage performing, and they were kept at the back. The black girl on stage wasn’t even allowed to show off her, ahem, assets. Maybe they were afraid she’d steal the attention from the other women ‘cos they all seemed to be about the same size. Oh to be a fly on the wall during the audition process. Er, we love ur dancing skills but er, ur breasts are slightly larger than our recommended size, and ur ribs aren’t protruding enough, so we can’t take u on. Ha. I’m sure it’d be the opposite at Hooters.
Left for Holland on Sunday May 17th and reckoned I spent just enough time in the country. At least we (i.e. moi and the Moulin Rouge girls) will always have Paris. Oh yeah, tried out my Pepe Le Pew French accent a few times, but luckily I wasn’t deemed unimportant enough to be punched in the face.

So that was gist of European adventure. Funny ‘cos after I spent 6 months in Arnhem, Holland in 1998 I felt I’d reside in Holland. I loved the place so much I even culled blog signoff phrase tot ziens from the Dutch. It took a missing suitcase and an obnoxious policeman to convince me the only Dutch words I’m gonna require next time I am in the country are reis verzekering (i.e. travel insurance).

~~Tot ziens~~ Reis verzekering and God bless.

She rolls her own weed, that's why I love her. Miss Independent (Weedhead)….

2009-03-28T23:26:00.000-07:00

Hola peeps. ¿Quién sabía que las compras para un refrigerador serían ésta difícil?

Again stayed away longer from y'all than I intended. Good thang I ain't married 'cos if I act this way with the Angelina Jolie-lookalike I'll marry she might think I am seeing someone else……..and she'd be right if the other person just happened to look more Angelia-ish than her. Ha. What kept me away from y'all this time? Studying! And u thought us strippers have nada upstairs? Au contraire, mon ami. (See what I did there? I fooled y'all with my polyglot skills, didn't I?) U know those global stripper exams I took 2 years ago that allowed moi to move to current firm? I am taking a more advanced exam and when I am done it's gonna set me up nicely to be poached by multinational firms looking to expand into virgin territory. A chance to travel, and being a pioneer - imagine li'l ol' moi running the first strip joint in Iraq - to boot? Where do I sign?!

So while all y'all having fun after work and on weekends I am swotting like crazy. Got so tired studying secret Persian stripper moves last Saturday I dumped the Lycra covered textbook and decided to watch a movie (or two….or three) on laptop. Saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, then Eagle Eye, then The Women. Three words: Bo-or-ring!!!! Slitting my wrists woulda been more fun, I tell ya.

(The fault is mine though, I shouldn't raise my expectations when peeps rave about a movie. Shoulda known what to expect when the same person that told me Slumdog Millionaire was "just okay" - it was so brilliant even though I watched it a month ago I still humour myself with my impression of the WWTBAM host: "what a playurrrrrr!" - raved about Eagle Eye. Reminds me of mates in ATL that practically badgered me to watch The Brothers. That movie had no storyline, and even worse had the ugliest set of women I'd seen in movies in ages. Apart from Tatyana Ali and the white chick, okay and Gabrielle Union, everyone else was oogly. If I wanna see oogly peeps I'd watch a British soap, no? C'mon!)

The Women was aiight, well best thang about it was seeing Meg Ryan's cute self again. She was my Angelina b4 Angelina became my Angelina, if u know what I mean. Eagle Eye was utter shite, and u gotta wonder who writes these movies, let alone who greenlights them. But the worst was surely Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Best thang about that utter crap was Cate Blanchett's hairstyle. We all know Lucas never could write, but when did Spielberg forget how to direct? Don't even get me started on Harrison Ford or the fact he can't hold the whip without his hands shaking. Sad…the cast of The Sopranos desperately seeking new jobs sad…nah, Miguel relationship status sad, that's how crappily sad that movie was. The Transformers sequel had better be good else I am giving up on Shia LaBeouf 'cos if he keeps this up his career would go the route of Kevin Costner and Nicholas Cage. Those guys' penchant for releasing crap movies needs to be basis of someone's PhD thesis.

It's a shame 'cos I really love movies and so I try not to judge actors based on their performance in one or two movies - except Messrs Cage and Costner who I've totally given up on - but u gotta wonder if folk indeed forget how to act. How else can u explain Pacino's performance in 88 Minutes? I mean acting should be like riding a bike, right? U'd get better the more u do it, right? Kept thinking about this while shutting down laptop after watching the trifecta of crap movies. It wasn't 'til the next day while ~~frying~~ attempting to fry plantains I kinda, sorta empathized with Pacino. I mean I used to be an ace cook - okay just in beans and plantains - but having not cooked since the Abacha administration I found myself texting peeps asking how best to fry plantains without getting oil splattered everywhere and singeing my hairy arms. So maybe, just maybe, if the Fresh Prince of Bradford (aka moi) can lose his knack for making puppy-dog faces that convince chicks to prepare him a meal, veteran actors like Pacino can temporarily lose the knack to convince those watching bootleg movies on their laptops they are playing characters other than themselves.

While taking a dump of charcoaled plantain later that day mate called from Sweden, but couldn't hear her clearly. It wasn't 'til she called few minutes after I discovered another innate talent: MY DOODLE DISRUPTS PHONE SIGNALS! No kidding. Like a good scientist I got peeps to call me over the next days while taking dumps in different locations to see if the results were repeatable. They were. I even changed my phone and got same results! Man, I'd be cast in HEROES. Do u know how much spy agencies like the CIA and MOSSAD would pay to have me? Do u know how much it cost the US security agencies to block phone signals during Obama's inauguration? In these days of global economic downturn I just might be the extra, extra, extra, extra cheap alternative to those fancy telephone signal scrambling gizmos. Just hook me up with some McD's strawberry milkshake and I am good to go.

(Oh yeah, it was 'cos of the milkshake I first discovered I was lactose intolerant. This happened 5 years ago. Guess I'm discovering my powers late 'cos it was also in the 90s I learned to whistle, skip with both feet off the ground - prior to that I used to do a gallop-skip thang - and walk properly, i.e. walk beside someone without bumping into them, almost like the conjoined twins on Stuck On You after they got separated.)

The doodle-phone scrambling discovery got me thinking of other ways to provide a cheaper alternative to peeps seeking various services. 'Cos money's too tight to mention globally I recently read that in order to avoid budget cuts a local US TV station's taking to placing McD's coffee cups in plain view during their newscasts; a teacher asked for parents to buy ad space on their kids' exam papers; and an American soap opera included an advertiser's product in their script. Hey Stacy, is that Campbell's Chicken Soup u having? I hear it is really filling. Can I have some? I really need to keep my strength up as just discovered my husband is sleeping with the neighbor's stepson's gay best friend's sister's masseur/tennis coach.

So far I have come up with the ff ideas that'd save u a bundle:
a) A boli and fish drive-thru
b) Bottling zobo in faux champagne bottles. C'mon tell me it wouldn't be fun if two chicks got into a fight in a nightclub and threw chilled zobo on each other

U laugh now but when u munching on McTunde's boli and fish® and washing it down with Moet and Zobo® don't say u weren't given an opportunity to invest in my upstart for the teeny weeny fee of $100 a share.

As is the bane of my life when I start something I find it hard to stop, be it blogging, nicking freshly cut pineapples from mom's fridge as a kid, or thinking. So what started out as thinking up novel business ideas quickly turned into existential ish. So much so I actually thought about printing a business card listing my occupation as THINKER. No kidding. Also thought about teaching a class or writing a self-help book on Hip Hop philosophy, where I would posit theories such as the difference in longevity b/w Diddy's and Vanilla Ice's careers being due to the word "STOP" and Diddy's assured take on it. For example, Vanilla's lyrics include "Will we ever STOP? I don't know", while Diddy's been known to blurt out, "Bad Boy, we won't STOP", one too many times.

In my class I'd also talk about how Vanilla Ice and Dr. Dre are problem solvers yet their approaches vary. Vanilla: "If u got a problem, yo I'll solve it. Check out the hook while my DJ resolves it."
Dr Dre: "U got a problem? I got a problem solver and his name is revolver."

What do these lines have in common apart from being crap pieces of rhyme that a kindergarten pupil would be proud of? Suge Knight! Suge threatened Vanilla to sign over royalties to Ice, Ice Baby and probably threatened Dre after he left Deathrow. Since Dre hung out with Suge a lot more than Vanilla did it probably influenced his more violent approach to solving problems. See where I am going with this? Pssttt, honestly I don't have the foggiest where I am going with this; my mind just goes off on its own tangent at times. Let's see if I can stop going on and on and provide y'all with a real short version on what's happened in my life since last blog entry. Wish me luck….

Relationship news: Made it to Lagos on eve of Val's day and surprised the current favorite to take over Neo's position. She felt like having a Chinese meal on the Island and 'cos there was crazy traffic on way there we decided to stop at the first Chinese restaurant we saw. Big mistake. That was my fourth time at Marco Polo - first time the meal was aiight, second time it was so-so, third time it was too salty - and NEVER going back. They had a Val's Day menu that was fixed so one couldn't order outside of what was on offer. The food was crap when it arrived, kept reminding waiter to do his job, and we were shepherded like goods on a conveyor belt. Aarrrgggghhhh!!!! I'da gone to McD's and had a better time. Ordered a cheesecake for dessert - suspect that's what gave me the runs the next day - and even that was flat. Paid the bill and got outside only to find that ride was blocked off at the front and the back - it took 15 minutes for some dude who needs to skip a few meals to move his ride. To top it all off Neo's would-be replacement was so pissed she refused to kiss me goodnight. Like it was my fault the restaurant was crap. I flew in from Warri for goodness sake and that wasn't enough for her?! Reminds me of girlfriend number…hold on, I gotta count….yeah, girlfriend number 5 (or was it 6?) who got mad that I didn't get her a graduation present even though I flew in from Holland to the UK 'cos of the graduation. No mas. I am putting my (pedicured) foot down. From now on all Neo wannabes are gonna have to jump through hoops to get a pic of my abs.

Family news: In the past month Ayo's moved his wedding to September, then back to August, then forward to September. As at yesterday 2352hrs it was scheduled for August. Fingers crossed it doesn't get moved again 'cos boss is starting to get peeved at my constant changing of vacation schedule.

In other would-normally-be-pressure-inducing-but-leave-far-from-family-so-they-can't-stress-me-as-much news baby bro Jide proposed to his girlfriend of 5 years on Val's day. Good on him. They plan to get married some time next year. So Chief's plan to have all his kids hitched by his 70th birthday didn't quite work out, but at the rate his kids are getting married and having kids we might have to hold his 75th birthday at a stadium just so we can all fit in.

Somewhat relationship news but not quite so news: Drove to Lagos a week after Val's day for mate's wedding where I was a groom's man. Musta been the worst groom's man in history 'cos got to the venue after the church service had ended. Blame it on Lagos traffic 'cos though I left the crib at 9.30am (even though the church service was scheduled for 11.00am) I didn't arrive at the venue 'til 1.30pm when the reception was just kicking off. Was feeling well bummed out by the time I got home only to find my mom in deep discussion with her close friend about my marital status.

I gotta ask, is there something about me that says to family members If u gonna try hook me up don't consider the type of stunners I have dated, instead set me up with girls I wouldn't find attractive even if my life depended on it? (Kinda reminds me of this British comedian's joke about how white guys always choose the flyest black chicks to date, yet black guys pick white chicks that even white guys wouldn't date.) U'da heard what my mom's mate was spewing. "If he wants Yoruba girls I already have two in mind for him; one works in a bank, the other, well, not sure what she does but I know she'll be good for him. Her looks? Well, er, er, well, looks ain't everything. Besides I don't think we'd get him women that are too pretty." Huh? I like, nah LOVE, extra, extra pretty women. Apart from stripping and taking a dump and watching movies my other form of exercise/entertainment is talking to extra pretty women. If I wasn't still keen on ruling Nigeria someday I'd emigrate.

Entertainment news: Last month stayed awake all night to watch the Oscars…and they were dire. Hugh Jackman tried his utmost to enliven the atmosphere, but there was just something wrong. I miss watching clips of performances of those nominated. The whole 'past winners come present award' shtick was a tired concept. Imagine if they'd done that for everything from cinematography to animated shorts. Highlight of the night was Steve Martin and Tina Fey presenting the screenwriting award. Nada like comedians, eh? Once again I appeal to Angelina Jolie to dump Brad for me. She needs a dude who can stand up to her…at least some of the time. Dude's so whooped he wore a green ring to match Angelina's green earrings and necklace. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Rihanna and Chris Brown? Nah, too easy. Wayyyyyy too easy.

News news: Well, we almost at 100 days into the Obama administration and all I can say is, wake me up when something interesting happens. There's only so many times I can tune to CNN and hear something about this bailout or that bailout.
(Speaking of CNN they seem to be running outta news anchors 'cos they've now taken to drafting sports anchors to read main news and actually watched a male English anchor slyly diss a female Canadian anchor by saying, "….oh a cranking of wheels, where did that come from?" after she expressed an opinion. Now if they had a reality show based on CNN anchors that I'd watch. Back Story ko, iReport ni. )

Even Americans are so bored all they seem to talk about is Michelle Obama's toned arms. This would be the perfect time for the opposition to hunker down and try to come up with a strategy to win back the hearts of the people. Instead they serve us Michael Steele. First Sarah Palin, now Michael Steele? These guys are in more trouble than I thought.

I miss the good ol' days of the campaign trail. Then I used to have this recurring dream where I was married to Michelle Obama and she'd badger me about text messages on phone that were from Sarah Palin. Now the schwerpunkt of my dreams is practicing strange dance routines. Oh the pain, the pain!

On a local scene, nah, too depressing. We almost two years into this punk's administration and the only thang he's succeeded at is getting his daughters hitched to state governors. Please wake me up when it's over.

Old skool news: Met up with a buddy from boarding school I hadn't seen in 12 years and dude hasn't changed one bit. He's changed physically, but deep down he's still as 'timeless' (FGC Warri guys would know what that means) as ever. Hooked me up with another college mate I hadn't seen in 16 years and dude's as aloof as I remember. That led me to think…oh no, not with the thinking again….that, contrary to what Rocky Balboa asserts at the end of Rocky IV, maybe us humans never truly change. And maybe best way to REALLY find out about someone is from peeps they went to school with. Oh man, if I can do further research on this, publish my findings and give out a free copy of my book with every kiddies meal at McTunde's boli and fish® I'd be a publisher's cheaper alternative to Malcolm Gladwell. Now where can I get me some hair plugs?

Warri news: Last week while admiring my abs in front of the mirror one of nicest tea ladies at the firm called and said she was fired 'cos she's not from "the area". So this punk ass Nigerian national character thang is spreading from political appointees to tea ladies?! What gives? What's wrong with this country when a Nigerian cannot work in another part of the country 'cos they not from that area? We should be ashamed of ourselves. I was so miffed I was gonna write a letter to her bosses condemning their actions when I heard a gun shot. Then I heard more gun shots. Silently turned off the air conditioner, turned on the fan, switched off the lights, then put my phone on vibrate. Always prided myself in not being easily scared, but guess it's different when the danger is real close. Woke up the next morning clutching my bible, and that's when I realized 'cos of fear of getting shot I'd nodded off at 8pm! Ha. Hmmm….fear could be a cheaper alternative to valium.

As I type this the generator is on. Yes, I am not as enamored with PHCN as in last blog entry. That's 'cos they have made me just as scared of them as the average Nigerian. Last week had no power for two consecutive days so when they provided power for an entire day I found myself praying they'd cease power soon 'cos when they decide to 'do their thang' it might last for weeks. I hate that they make me feel this way. Recently received a PHCN bill and tried to call contact number but quickly realized it's outmoded; probably last worked in the 1980s. Anyways asked a colleague where the nearest PHCN office was and he told me, but not b4 relaying his experience with PHCN boss who told him to get married after he queried why power bill was impossibly high for a crib he resides in one day a month. Cheeky bugger. Plan to go there myself and if I get the run around I'll not take NO for an answer. Might have to go there with a secret recording device so if I get told same ol' bull as mate I'll have something to use against him. After all Obama's victory has shown us that….lol…sorry peeps I didn't mean to go there. It's just that ever since November 4th every punk ass politician here uses Obama's electoral success as an analogy for whatever snake oil they trying to sell us. Saw a report on how trying it was for black Iraqis to get on the ballot for the just concluded Iraqi elections TV; those can use Obama's ascent for inspiration, not our venal politicians, not folk in Uganda who use his name for a nite club, and certainly not inept Nigerian football administrators who believe Obama's victory "shows that Nigerian can win the World Cup."

PH news: Yup, been a while since I visited PH but decided to drop by to see 15-month-married mate and his family. Was cool hanging with other PH peeps, but some things just don't change as there was petrol scarcity, crazy traffic jams, and no power supply. Highlight of trip was seeing single mate's new girlfriend. Dude's acting all blasé about it, but it's obvious he likes her. She's real foiiiiiine and best of all bakes cakes. She brought a cake from Lagos for the dude's birthday and it tasted yummy. Later discovered from 15-month-married mate's wife that foiiiiiine chick ain't too sure of her standing with mate and is hoping he proposes soon. Woah, so while us guys were watching TV at mate's house, cheering on Arsenal as they beat Newcastle (3-1) the ladies were having a tete-a-tete about marriage; foolish me for thinking they were cooing over 15-month-married mate's baby.

15-month-married mate's wife assured her that things will be cool, after all she was in a similar position 2 years ago and now she's married with a baby. Go Oprah! All I know is mate's gonna be stupid to let go off her; she bakes cakes for goodness sake!!!!!

Work news: The effect of the global recession can now be seen in the firm's approach to everything from meal subsidies to accommodation. Earlier in the week I was informed a few of us would be flown to a secluded beach to shoot our annual calendar. Yes, I know it's already end of 1st quarter 2009, but if the National Assembly can't pass a budget 'til late in the fiscal year u expect a bunch of professional thong wearers to be on point with their 2009 calendar? Puh-leeese.

So get on the chopper and 20 minutes later we at some crap beach that looked the setting of a bad horror movie. While waiting on the camera crew to get ready I ask for my room and after hemming and hawing the director of the shoot confessed the firm didn't provide enough funds for single rooms so I'd have to share a room. I'm pissed, and make it clear to the director I'd not stand for such treatment next time 'cos last month I was put up in a stank ass motel that had no remote controlled TVs, so spent my nights real close to the TV flipping channels with my toes. Daniel Day Lewis hand me that Oscar.

After the shoot wraps up I take a shower and when I step out of the bathroom I find the director on the bed posing like Michael Jackson on the Thriller album cover. Uh oh. Ain't no way I am sharing a bed with that guy. So I make up some excuse and went on an extra, extra long walk on the beach - sadly, there was no sunset to gaze at - hoping by the time I got back he'd be fast asleep. If only. Dude woke up soon as I opened the door and patted up a pillow for me. Gulp. Where's the sound of gunfire when u need it?

Tot ziens and God bless.

Blame it on the bow legs

2009-02-11T11:36:00.000-08:00

Hola peeps. ¿Es la vida realmente como una caja de chocolates?

Just returned from Warri airstrip where I went to cop tickets to Lagos for Friday so I’d surprise latest candidate for Neo’s position on Saturday. Never been keen on Val’s day but it’s a big thang for her so might as well indulge. If this ends up being crap, then I give up on dating. I’ll submit an application to star in The Bachelor and pick a bride from the bevy of scarily desperate beauties. No joking.

While we on the subject of desperados my main man Miguel Mugu has done it again. Dude’s been in Nigeria six months and is STILL getting dogged by chicks everywhere he turns. The latest incident occurred last week when cheapskate was too stingy to call a chick he fancies on her birthday. He sent a text instead and is now wondering why chick’s mad. Tsk, tsk, tsk. If u a female reading this and u happen to come across some mugu with no game named Miguel, please, please, please be nice to him else dude might pack his bags and return to the ATL. Now that’d not be such a bad thang, but I promised his mom I’d get him married off within a year. Who woulda thunk with all the single girls in Lagos it would be such an arduous task?

Just last month a mate in Lagos described the increasing ratio of women to men in that city as akin to the dollar-naira ratio, where ~~an eligible bachelor~~ any man with a heartbeat is the dollar and the vast number of women at his beck and call are the naira. My bro Ayo – ladies, dude’s getting married in August so get ur manicured fingers ready if u wanna object at the wedding - acknowledged things are so bad “one can smack a girl in public and she’d be the one to apologise just ‘cos she wants to get married.” And YET Miguel Mugu is still professing love to anything with mammary glands and getting no play. Sad.

On a serious tip I really feel for chicks out there. While in Lagos a mate and I had drinks with some platonic female friends who, though quite successful in their professional endeavours, are in the dumps about their relationships, or rather, the lack thereof. Dunno whether it was their mojitos or just that they needed to get stuff off their chest, but they just went on and on about wanting to settle down and start a family. When I asked if they were too picky one confessed that she probably was earlier in life, and missed out on a few good men. Told them they probably needed to apply same focus in their social lives as they do in their professional lives. One of them agreed - suck on that Oprah and Dr. Phil! - and told a tale of her mate who fought to get on everyone’s bridal train and bought aso ebis for every wedding she heard about until she landed herself a groom’s man. “I was one of those ridiculing her at the start. Now she’s married with a kid. Maybe I’d adopt the same strategy.”

Oh boy, the night’s getting maudlin. This wasn’t what I expected. Must do something to cheer everyone up. Wonder if the ladies would love to see my newly improved six-pack. Wait, the girl in braids in finally opening her mouth…

The girl in braids gave a humorous anecdote about wanting to peel her skin with a blunt razor after a blind date with a dude that liked the sound of his voice. Another talked about her Muslim friend who asked her parents to set her up on dates with Muslim guys – discovered this practice is termed Halal dating - ‘cos she always wanted to marry a fellow Muslim and was tired of waiting for the right one to come along. After four unsuccessful dates Halal-dater met a guy she felt compatible with and got hitched within six months.

At the end of the night I went on my knees and thanked God for making me a man. Goodness knows if I was a woman with as high a libido as I have I probably woulda been loose as heck; people woulda probably called me Slutina or something like that behind my back, thus putting a serious crimp in my marriage-worthy prospects. Hey, I am just being honest.

Enough about relationships…for now. How y’all been? I know I promised after last blog entry I wouldn’t stay away for so long, but work’s been intense. The firm, ahem, ‘right-sized’ staff numbers so rest of us lucky ones are left carrying the load. U know things are bad when ur most loyal clients start asking if they can get a lap dance on credit. One even offered to write me a post-dated cheque. This is the human face of the global economic downturn peeps, this is it.

Today’s the first time in the 1⅓ years since I’ve been in Warri that I experienced a traffic jam. The scene reminded me of Lagos, right down to the hawkers. In quintessential Warri style a dude hawking CDs came by my window and wouldn’t budge even when I feigned indifference. In one last attempt to make a sale dude said, “Bros, na me sing for this CD. Buy am na. U no dey encourage me o.”

Though was away for only a month things in Warri have changed dramatically...and not altogether for the better:

1. Noticed a new tax charge in my payslip for street lights and wasn’t too bothered ‘til someone mentioned the street lights are powered by diesel generators instead of solar panels. If that wasn’t bad enough a week later I saw street lights on Airport Road still turned on at 1pm! Come on. If I had been driving Parminder I’da crashed her into one of the streetlights just for the heck of it.
2. Some Einstein convinced the government to install two humungous TVs connected to a satellite dish at the main entrance to Warri. U’d think the TV would screen safe driving tips or programmes on proper waste disposal, u know stuff that’s relevant. No siree. Instead while driving to airport to pick up mate last Sunday I saw the Tottenham vs Arsenal game showing. Eagerly awaiting news reports of a footie fan being run over by a car....
3. During the past fortnight I have only had to use my generator twice, and then for li’l over 3 hours! And y’all are probably wondering what’s so bad about that, right? Well, last week neighbour tells me the houses in the area have been asked to donate two grand per month in order to “encourage PHCN to keep doing their good work”. Now paying a few extra naira a month for constant power supply isn’t the problem, it’s just that it’s PHCN’s job for goodness sake! They’d strive to provide constant power without any payola from moi or other hardworking Nigerians. That said, I’m loving how cool my room gets when I turn on the air conditioner. Aaaahhhh.

Yes, since last blog entry I copped an air conditioner for my room and no longer bored in crib as flatmate’s moved in….and he brought along his chequebook. Hurray.

Drove down from Lagos to Warri on the 17th of last month and Miss Beckinsale drove like a dream. Surprisingly the roads weren’t as bad as last time I travelled with Married-14-months-with-a-3-month-old-kid mate. Well, most roads were better than I remember, apart from those in Benin City. My goodness! There was one road that reminded me of the parting of the Red Sea from The Ten Commandments. Wouldn’t like to pass there when it rains. The current governor sure has his work cut out.

The entire trip took about 7 hours and musta lost at least an hour and a half to police check-points, but it’s all good. Funniest requests were for “valid customs form” and “certificate of road worthiness”. Politely showed them a press release by the Inspector General of Police that reads drivers are only required to show their driver’s license and certificate of insurance. Talk about a Gotcha! for the ages. Even with that some cops seemed to make up stuff as they went along. That was cue to pull out cell phone and buzz contacts in the upper echelon of the police. Yup, when u big u big, when u large u in charge.

Was crazy knackered by the time I got in I didn’t bother unpacking. Drove to a bar to get stuff to eat and watch the Hull vs Arsenal game.

(Sorry to digress but I don’t know what else to do about this Arsenal team. No excuses about injuries, I gotta blame the manager for not realizing Bendtner is a substitute at best. That dude and Eboue should either be sold or paid to stay away from the team. The rest of the team? Arrrggghhhh. Man, if the dude don’t finish top four this season think it’s time to fire Arsene. I know the mere thought bothers on sacrilege, but what option we left with? I hate that sports does this to me....)

After the game stayed behind for a drink with friends and wouldn’t u know it Asari Dokubo walked in. Yup, same Asari Dokubo that was jailed for treason under the Obasanjo regime. Turns out that the bar was hosting an awards night for “those that support the Niger Delta struggle”. Didn’t dare move, this was too fascinating to leave. Man, u shoulda seen the way that dude was treated. A Martian visiting Nigeria for the first time would think Asari was president or a god of some kind. Felt kinda bad for the dude ‘cos the peeps were so in awe of him he was invited to hand out EVERY award. Amazing.

A day later I attended a weeklong residential course so just familiarizing myself with crib again. Had to call in a new plumber to fix issue with bathroom sink and it worked fine when he was here, but the next day noticed sink started leaking again. That ain’t even the main issue. Y’all know how much I love chilling on the toilet bowl, right? Well, dunno what plumber did but toilet don’t flush like it used to. Initially I thought I had to change diet after doodle would still hang around after numerous flushes. It wasn’t ‘til a friend came over and asked to use the loo that I realized the fault wasn’t to do with my recent boli and fish diet.

Oh by the way Miss Stankonia if u reading this I want u to know it took four flushes and two buckets of water to get rid of ur not-so-nice parting gift. Now u know why I no longer answer ur calls. U and ur nasty (and not in a good way) self.

Man, Nigerian artisans just keep pissing me off. Why don’t they admit when they can’t fix stuff? First, plumber doesn’t fix bathroom properly, then dude that “fixed” refrigerator said he’d “assist” me by not charging me for workmanship if I bought a new compressor. This after the previous refrigerator compressor he bought and installed lasted all of two weeks. There must be something about my face, or the way I request stuff, that makes peeps hike up their price. This is how peeps become serial killers, I tell u.

I have told y’all in previous blog entries about exorbitant prices charged by mechanic that fixed Parminder, right? I reckon the word has spread around Warri that there’s a bald guy with a goatee who doesn’t haggle. That has to be it ‘cos three days ago I see a little girl selling agbalumo and when I ask how much they go for she said 10 naira. Knew I was getting fleeced – oh, y’all wanna tell me one teeny weeny agbalumo costs the same as an orange? – when after I copped two agbalumos (or is it agbalumi?) she gave me one gratis.

(Background: Hot cleaning lady from former accommodation stopped by crib last week. On way to drop her off convinced her to take me to the nearest market. Told her what I wanted, she haggled on my behalf, and I handed over the cash. The next day I realized I wanted some fruit so drove to the same stall where hot cleaning lady (from hereon referred to as HCL) copped household items and convinced the attendant to buy oranges for moi as not adept at haggling. It was a case of ‘penny wise pound foolish’ ‘cos ended up buying stuff I didn’t need from her. That said, ain’t no way I’da bought 10 oranges for 100 naira.)

Even the lady I cop boli and fish from thrice a week raises her prices when she sees me. I am on to her, and as soon as I find another boli and fish trader nearby I am moving my business there. In the meantime think I am gonna have HCL on speed dial.

More Warri news: Recently attended meeting for new joiners – those with less than five years experience - at the firm. Been invited a few times but never attended before ‘cos, well, ‘cos....dunno. Just never felt like going; same way I don’t get up in church when they recognise visitors. Pssst, in all honesty only chose to attend this meeting ‘cos they said food was gonna be served – flat mate doesn’t cook. He lied, he lied! Boo hoo. The meeting ended and no food was offered - they lied, they lied! However, at the end of the day we were asked to adopt a friend. Looked across the room at this fly mamasita. As I walked up to her I’d tell she knew I was coming her way ‘cos she started acting all coy and turned away. As she turned around so we’d start a conversation I bypassed her and spoke to the dude with the wedding band. The way I figure his wife probably cooks, and chances are this chick mightn’t. (Her nails were crazy long, like Coco Riley of SWV fame.) Yup, he admitted his wife’s a heckuva cook and he invited me to lunch next week. Joy oh joy.

Got me some dude to do laundry and as I type this I’m praying he shows up soon ‘cos I am down to my last ‘emergency’ briefs. Now one can argue about the merits of giving one’s boxer shorts to someone else to launder, but I reckon since dude’s charging me twice as much as chick that recommended him – was I right or was I right about Warri folk being in cahoots to fleece moi? – I’ll get my money’s worth until I find a replacement. Problem is dude takes his time in returning laundry and might be forced to go ‘sailing’ if I don’t get boxer shorts soon.

To the uninitiated (i.e. those that didn’t attend FGC Warri) ‘sailing’ was a term we used to describe going sans underwear. Can’t remember who started the trend, but it caught on like a ~~house on fire~~ lie. (Geddit? Geddit? Liar, liar, pants/undies on fire? Aw forget yous). Experimented with ‘sailing’ on and off for a week, but it wasn’t ‘til I read somewhere that Michael Hutchence never wore underwear during a performance that I became a fulltime ‘sailor’. The way I figure if ‘sailing’ is good enough for him to land Kylie Minogue and Helena Christensen then I had to give it a shot.

After three weeks gave up on trying to be a Popeye when I discovered I wasn’t, ahem, mature enough to handle such a monumental responsibility. What made me change my mind? Two words: Angela Edison. (I know that name sounds like it’d belong to some hot chick, but Miss Edison was far from hot….so far from hot that she was given the sobriquet Cavewoman, or Cavey for short, by her own friends!)

So I am seated beside Miss Edison in Maths class when the teacher steps out of class for a few minutes. Miss Edison discovers her ~~pen~~ BIC is no longer working so she tries to grab mine that’s lying on a notebook on the table. In the process of fending her off she grazes her ample bosoms on my elbow…..repeatedly – so much so that I began to suspect her BIC wasn’t faulty in the first place. Not that I cared; I was so ensorcelled by Miss Edison’s weapons of mass distraction that I didn’t when teacher entered the classroom. “U over there disturbing the girl. Go kneel down in the corner!” I was forced to shuffle past Miss Edison while trying to disguise my obvious, ahem, excitement from the class. Needless to say I wasn’t successful at it and got teased about it for weeks on end by classmates. That incident with Miss Edison definitely put paid to my short-lived, albeit enjoyable, career in the navy.

Still so scarred by what happened I have refused to go ‘sailing’ ever since, and if laundry guy doesn’t drop off clothes today I’d have no choice but to don swimming trunks tomorrow ‘for support’. Yes, it’ll be crazy uncomfortable and I’d probably have a chafed crotch by the end of the day, but what choice does a blogger have?

Tot ziens and God bless.

Yes sirree, the world should revolve around me

2009-01-16T10:51:00.000-08:00

Hola peeps. ¿Quién habría pensado que Sr. Bush tenía reflejos rápidos?

Been on vacation for a month, but it’s sure seemed longer. U know u been around too long when family start enquiring about ur return date. Ha. These the same folk who were mad ‘cos I chose to spend the Xmas holidays in Uganda.

Yup, that’s two consecutive Xmases in Uganda. Why? ‘Cos loved experience from 2007 that’s why. Got a problem with that u East Africa haters?! The Uganda folk were so chuffed I returned they kept suggesting I acquire some land and a Ugandan bride.

Pssttt, don’t tell the Ugandans but original design was to stop over there for a couple of days on way to Tanzania, but plans were scuttled when would-be TZ hostess couldn’t make it there from the UK; something to do with passport stuck at the Home Office…..or so she said.

Arrived Lagos from 12-day vacation in Uganda and discovered I had contracted malaria. (Come to think of it, started feeling weird soon as passport was stamped at Uganda immigration.) Shoulda known the mosquitoes there were fierce after I observed mosquito nets in hotel rooms. Yup, hotel rooms! Didn’t use the nets ‘cos I am macho that’s why….and also ‘cos the thought of sleeping under mosquito nets took me back to boarding school. No, no, no, stop it!!!!!

Slept for hour long trip from Entebbe to Nairobi, and was obviously uncomfortable during two hour layover at Nairobi that some dude came up to me and offered some drugs. “U look awful. I’m sure it’s ‘cos of travel stress. Take these two tablets and u’ll feel better in 30 minutes.” Now I am not one to take medication from a total stranger let alone medication I can’t read – tablets had Chinese inscriptions…did someone say melamine? – but was in such discomfort I bought a bottle of water and proceeded to the rest room to attempt to swallow the melamine.

Kept pacing back and forth in bid to psych myself up to swallow tablets. Reckon I was arousing suspicion ‘cos some Caucasian dude that looked like a lot like Larry Craig asked me what the matter was. Told him, “I hate medication, hence why I am trying to psych myself to take these tablets. Guess I never learned to swallow non-sweet stuff.” The wily look on his face convinced me I’da constructed the last sentence more adroitly. Quickly moved away from him, tossed tablets in my mouth and instead of swallowing I threw up the previous night’s barbeque (and the Smarties candy I had earlier that morning) in the sink, again and again. Felt slightly better as I staggered back to the waiting lounge and crouched close to the waste disposal basket until we were instructed to board the plane.

Thank God the plane wasn’t full so as soon as I affixed seat belt I nodded off and didn’t wake up for the next 5 hours. Surprisingly there wasn’t much of a line at the Nigeria immigration desk, and didn’t have to wait long to retrieve luggage either. Called Mama the family doctor on way from airport and she provided anti-malaria tablets when I got home. Spent the next three days convalescing and most of remaining ten days at home as part of reconciliation efforts to the family for being away over the Xmas holidays. That’s probably why they counting the days ‘til I return to Warri. Ha.

Oh, almost forgot: Feliz Año Nuevo peeps! Aquí deseándole todo el mejor en 2009. Another year, another chance to affect humanity in a positive manner....so I pray. So much to look forward to this year: Barack Obama’s presidency, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and erm, erm, more weddings. My bold prediction for 2009? TUNDE IS GONNA GET MARRIED. Maybe not ur fav blogger Tunde, but I am sure someone named Tunde will get married this year. Seriously though I need to get married ‘cos the moolah I spent in the last year on wedding activities is enough to educate two children up to high school. After the month of February this year I am taking a break off best man /groom’s man /host duties. Why February? ‘Cos got three mates are getting hitched on three consecutive Saturdays at three disparate locations, and been invited to play a part in each ceremony. That means gonna have to cop shirts, ties/cravats, waist coats, and in one of those cases a suit. Now y’all know how much I love suits, but since I’ve moved to the Niger Delta I haven’t had the opportunity to rock suits as much as I’d like so they end up lying fallow in wardrobe.

Now if I was a celebrity I’d auction them off for Charity…or Kate, or Angelina, or whatever stunner I’ll be dating at the time. Hee..hee. Seriously, don’t wanna be famous ONLY so I’d date Hollywood actresses, primarily wanna be famous so chicks cry whenever I hug them or faint whenever I whisper Hello, say who would like to cook me a meal? into a microphone. Until then guess gonna have to keep paying my dues by dancing for bored housewives while hoping to get ‘discovered’ for whatever innate talent can make me famous.

Uganda news: One word, three syllables: Bar-be-que. B4 I embarked on vacation Ugandan mate Dave advised me to pack loose clothing as a group of us would be going on safari. (*Adopting a Steve Irwin accent*) Oh goody, finally a chance to see wild animals in their natural habitat. As if, only animals I saw were grilled. Everyday there was an excuse for a barbeque, non-stop barbequing for 12 days! Had so much meat I became a vegetarian on return to Nigeria.

Ended up not doing any tourist-y stuff and barbeques became boring after a while ‘cos saw same faces over and over and naturally ran outta things to say. Though most of time in Kampala was spent within the Mutungo-Kitintale area, where Dave lives, didn’t fret much ‘cos unlike Nigeria there was uninterrupted power supply – ain’t we Nigerians tired of hearing this? Regrettably, as has been experienced in Nigeria, there was also scarcity of petrol so our outings had to be carefully coordinated….or so Dave rationalized as he drove me to another barbeque. Dude didn’t know I’d long figured out his car ran on diesel not petrol. The punk.

Only event that broke cycle of sleep-TV-barbeque-sleep was Dave’s brother’s wedding. It was beautiful man. Witnessing a convergence of cultures – the bride’s from Burundi – was amazing. However, just as experienced last year the wedding speeches went on and on like a US Senate hearing broadcast on C-Span. Oh boy. Even Dave joked, “the bane of East Africa is the microphone. Trust me East African weddings would be more exciting if peeps emailed their speeches ahead of time.” Righter – yes, it’s a new Tunde word - words have never been uttered.

Nigeria news: Never knew I’d say this but looking forward to returning to Warri tomorrow. Getting stir crazy in Lagos and itching to get back to dancing ‘cos all the barbeque and mucho lounging is causing urs truly to develop love handles.

Especially looking forward to kicking Parminder to the curb and cruising the town with her replacement Miss Beckinsale. Well, maybe not so much ‘cruising’ as crib’s less than 5 minutes drive from the firm so most times I am forced to take the scenic routes in order to finish listening to a CD track. U think I am joking? It took almost 2 months to listen to Meat Loaf’s Bat out of Hell II CD.

As much as I am excited about returning to work I plan to ease slowly into it, i.e. no jobs in Niger Delta swamps for a while. Reason for this is it gets crazy boring real fast and peeps who have been stationed there for a while tend to be as kooky as Seinfeld’s Kramer. Did a five-day stint there b4 I went on vacation and highlight of tour was the video of Dubya dodging the shoes thrown at him. Definitely the funniest thang I saw last year. Brilliant, sheer brilliant. Can u imagine if the other reporters were in on it and start flinging their shoes as well? It’d be like a live version of those shoot ‘em ups peeps play in the office when their bosses are not looking.

While discussing the Dubya incident with colleagues some veteran called Alhaji blurted out, “Lucky for Bush. If it had been Yar’Adua, or any of his predecessors who never mastered the art of reading without looking at the paper in front of them, that reporter woulda had a field day hitting him with shoes, books, bags, even kitchen sinks.”

Though that was the first time we met I grew to appreciate Alhaji’s take on world events. Dude’s thinking is so outta the box no one could mistake him for “Jack”. (Geddit? Geddit? Jack-in-the-box? Aw forget yous.) Ask him any question and he’s got a ready answer that appears foolish at first, but ends up being ingenious.

Q: What to do about state of neglect of Nigerian infrastructure?
Alhaji: “Since the word ‘state’ is in the question let me talk about the Nigerian state governors then. We’d ensure they serve one 4-year term and the position is rotated around different local governments. U want to know why? How many governors’ villages or local governments haven’t improved spectacularly after their son/daughter got to power? Think about it, by the time it comes full circle all areas of the state would be developed. When Ogun State was created Abeokuta was made the capital ‘cos Obasanjo was in the government. When Delta State was created Asaba was made the capital ‘cos Babangida was in government and his wife’s from Asaba. Need I go on?”

Q: What to do about hijacking by Somali pirates?
Alhaji: “I say paint ‘Product Of Ireland: Pork Sausages’ on all ships. That way if the pirates are true Muslims their faith will prevent them from touching pork. Then again, the Muslim faith doesn’t encourage hijacking so that suggestion mightn’t work.”

See what I mean? Dude’s a genius! Peeps, I think I have met my Mr. Miyagi. When I wasn’t talking to Alhaji, or reading, I was er, bored. As happens when I have too much time on my hands my mind starts doing loopy things. Here are a few thoughts that went through head….was so bored I jotted them down:

Last blog entry sure was prescient ‘cos just saw the ‘Single’ music video with Ne-Yo and NKOTB. It’s an unremarkable, formulaic song that Ne-Yo probably cranked out to get NKOTB off his back. Man, is there anyone Ne-Yo hasn’t worked with? Dude’s like the Robert DeNiro of the music industry, just has to keep working, don’t he? Hear Akon’s got a song with NKOTB as well. Wait, maybe question should be who doesn’t Akon have a song with? Between Akon, T-pain and Ne-Yo the entire music industry should be covered.

Lately Akon seems to be in the bizness of reviving calcified careers. Whitney, MJ, and now NKOTB?! I wonder if Akon’s Midas touch’ll work with non-entertainment related issues. For instance, if by hanging with Akon could Eliot Spitzer revive his reputation? Would Hitler receive less of a raw deal if Akon wore a tee shirt with his face on it? Would Nigerians forget that Yar’Adua’s asleep at the wheel if he’s seen at an Akon concert? Ha. Must try to keep promise to self not to bother about Yar anymore….er, is it me or does Yar’Adua bear an uncanny resemblance to Montgomery Burns from The Simpsons? Okay no more.

Man, NKOTB must be real desperate to attempt a comeback. Those teenage girls that loved them in their heyday have probably moved on to other things. I’m sure it musta been Danny who asked, nah pleaded, for a sit down. Dude looks like he’s fallen on hard times and to make matters worse he and Jonathan got stuck at the back in the video. Sad, sad man. Kinda reminds me of those two guys in East 17; yes, the ones that aren’t Tony Mortimer or Brian Harvey. While Tony and/or Brian sing and get loadsa video face time the two extras end up with silly haircuts striking gangsta poses in the background. Guess we can say the same about all Pussy Cat Dolls not named Nicole. Watching the ’When I Grow Up’ video I noticed the one with platinum blonde hair has started raising her leg up in a classic ballet 180 degree angle, almost begging us to take our eyes off Nicole for bit. “Hey, look at me I can point my toes to the heavens!!!!” Sad.

Back to NKOTB, I thought Donnie Wahlberg had a TV/movie career, why would he wanna rejoin the band? Maybe Bernie Madoff made off with his money. Lol…man, I kill myself. Man, sure remember when he grabbed all the attention in New Kids On The Block for of his wild antics. Then he was Donnie D, and vaguely recall an interview he gave talking about his then-unknown brother Marky Mark. Who’da thunk Marky would turn out to be such a good actor? Wonder what happened to the burgeoning music career of MC Biscuit (the New Kids On The Block bodyguard) or Tracy Trace (yes, u guessed right; she’s female member of the Wahlberg family)? Ha.

Uh oh, Keri Hilson’s video ‘Energy’ is on. She’s like the poor man’s Solange Knowles, and that’s downright poor. She looks hot at times, but there’s just something missing; can’t put my finger on it. It’s like she’s trying too hard…..also doesn’t help that her choreography in ‘Energy’ is like the Chicken Dance. Well, at least she ain’t Michelle Williams (of Destiny’s Child fame). The less said of her the better.

Arrrgghhh, so bored….maybe I’d flick thru channels quickly. Here goes: a documentary on P. Diddy showing on BET, an interview with the winner of the Nobel peace prize on CNN, Ne-Yo’s ‘Miss Independent’ video (hmmm, wonder if Miguel Mugu is watching it… hee hee), Beyonce’s ‘If I Were A Boy’ video, Jazmine Sullivan’s ‘Bust Your Windows’ video, Yar’Adua receiving report by Electoral Review Commission. Nope, still bored. Need to leave here soon. Great, just great. Now Estelle’s video is on and been in the swamps so long she’s looking like Halle Barry. Arrrggghhh. Where’s the GOD channel?!

Ever been real broke u start thinking of times when u were hungry in boarding school and thought to yourself if u hadn’t skipped those meals during the holidays maybe u’d not be hungry now? I know, that sentence made no sense to me either. Well, after I returned/escaped from the swamp discovered I was crazy broke, probably broker – yes, another Tunde word - than I’ve been in years, ‘cos cheques I had written months before were only recently cashed. Was scared to go to the ATM ‘cos kept thinking of The Real McCoy sketch where fly-looking dude goes to the ATM with his girl only to find he has no cash. At first the ATM voice prompt politely informs him he’s “temporarily run outta funds”, but when he insists it’s a mistake and keeps jabbing at ATM the buttons the voice prompt responses in a gruff West Indian accent, U are broke, nada, nothing. Razclatt come hia wit him gal trying to impress. Gal, u best lef him. Me sure that chain him wear round neck ain’t real gold even.

Kept racking brain wondering where all my money went and thinking up ways to generate additional sources of income and/or threaten debtors. Got so bad I thought of mate in primary school who stole my lunch. I remember it like it was yesterday. The family had hosted a party at the house the night before so school lunch consisted of party snacks: peppered chicken, sausage rolls, cakes, donuts, ‘stick meat’. Yum yum. Didn’t eat at school ‘cos was saving lunch for the ride home so I’d tease siblings with it.

Rushed to car park class soon as classes ended. Then, as now, I always over-packed so backpack was overflowing with books and soon-to-be-consumed meal musta popped out. Felt something touch backpack and when I turned around I noticed mate (name withheld ‘cos shrink/pastors/Oprah/Dalai Lama advised me to “let it go”) staring at me, but dude denied doing anything wrong. Jumped in car and started teasing Ayo and Nike about the ‘surprise’ I had for them. Opened backpack and boy, was I surprised. Dumped books, toys and other tchotchke out of bag but lunch was nowhere to be found. Burst into tears at the thought of my peppered chicken being consumed by someone else. The next morning I accosted so-called mate and he confessed, “Yes, I took it. In our church they told us not to lie.” And I am thinking, But they were silent on stealing? ‘Cos of dire financial crisis went searching for him on Facebook in the hope I’d guilt-trip him into paying for the current value of the meal he nicked twenty two years ago. Oh, u think I am joking? One small hitch though, couldn’t remember his last name. Called everyone I knew from primary school but they couldn’t remember it either. Bah, humbug!

Raised some money from mates and flew to Lagos. Spent four days there before embarking on trip to Uganda. While in Lagos didn’t gorge on movies as is the norm ‘cos had seen most movies on show. Settled on The Day The Earth Stood Still and wondered what the point of the movie was. It shoulda been called The Earth Musta Stood Still The Day This Movie Was Greenlit. Boy, that movie was awful. Just plain bad. Utter crapfest. It sucked as bad as the food on Kenya Airways on the Lagos-Nairobi leg.

(Now normally I’d not divulge the name of a company that messed up in case it was a one-off but can’t be bothered anymore. Decided on this after I could not make cell phone calls for four days last month due to Globacom’s inefficiency…..more on them later. First, what was I saying about Kenya Airways?)

On Kenya Airways flight to Nairobi – which was delayed by more than two hours (…did see some girl I had a crush on from uni during the delay so it wasn’t that bad…wait, she was there with her husband and kid so yes, it was THAT bad!) - I was offered the option of chicken or beef and chose the former. U know how when peeps tell u they’ve sampled some exotic animal and u ask how it tasted and they say, “tastes like chicken”? Well, Kenya Airways’ chicken tasted like sour cardboard. Come on, how does one get chicken wrong? Never been hungrier on a flight before, and to make matters worse I had seen the movies that were on display so there was nada to take my mind off growling stomach.

Now if I had been on Ethiopian Airlines I am sure I’d not have been too bothered. Haven’t had the pleasure of flying with them, but if the air stewardesses are anything to go by then one shouldn’t have much of a complaint. Saw some of them wander by while entertaining aforementioned crush’s baby girl (and trying not to think how she’da been mine if her mom had given me the time of day) and almost dropped the baby. I tell u peeps if another airline has hotter air stewardesses then it hasn’t been founded. It’s almost as if they hired only beauty pageant winners! Haven’t decided on destination of next vacation but I tell u this, it’s gotta be some where Ethiopian Airlines flies to.

Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Oh man, almost forgot to tell y’all about Globacom. Nah, I’ll save that for next time as blog’s long enough as it is.

I hate the bartender. If u looking for me I’m at the bar with her (spiking drinks)

2008-12-07T02:07:00.000-08:00

Hola peeps. Le dije que no estaré ausente para de largo.

Spent only two weeks in new crib yet bored as heck. Colleague that’s supposed to be roommate is on leave and haven’t heard from him. Come to think of it dude hasn’t paid his share of the rent. First he said he couldn’t find his cheque book then it was some excuse or the other. Maybe dude’s decided to back out of sharing the place yet doesn’t know how to inform me. Hmmmm…who’s gonna cook for me now? Been living on fast food since I moved in and hoping, nah praying, the firm sends me on another training course so I wouldn’t have to cook.

It’d better happen soon ‘cos already getting dizzy from the crap food. Today I went to turn on the generator and swear I saw double generators. Man, I can’t live like this! To make matters worse this place seems to be like that old Tom Hanks movie The Money Pit. Thought I was getting an aiight house until I saw the amount of work that needed to be done. Foolish me, ‘cos was so excited at the prospect of a room mate that was gonna cook I paid the rent without agreeing with the landlord who would bear the cost of fixing the place up. Even though I hired someone who oversaw the provision of electricians, plumbers and carpenters to whup the place into shape, the carpenter is nowhere to be found though his work ain’t done, the plumber took forever to do his job yet I discovered a leaking faucet in my bathroom last night; only the electrician did a reasonable job and this was after weeks of hounding him. Memo to self: Never, never, never trust artisans. They are bottom of food chain, yes even lower than plankton and car salesmen. Okay maybe not as low as used car salesmen….but almost on par.

Other than the boredom it ain’t so bad living alone. Greatest thang about having the house all to myself is….yup, u guessed it…getting to walk around the house au naturel. For instance, before I started typing this blog I took a dump in loo attached to the master bedroom, wiped my butt in guest loo, shaved my head and showered in roommate’s(?) bathroom, worked out in living room, went back to loo in master bedroom to flush my work of art, then had a supper of malt drinks and groundnut, without even a glow-in-the-dark g-string to cover my assets. Yup, this is the life. Maybe I’d start a nudist colony…….er, maybe not. Not sure we ready for that in Nigeria. One doesn’t wanna get mistaken for a lunatic, does one?

For some reason since I moved into crib I’ve been snoozing real early. Think it’s ‘cos I do loads stuff lying in bed. That’s probably one of the reasons why I published last blog entry a week later than planned. In order to avoid repeating this mistake I just moved laptop to the study room and emptied a can of insecticide in master bedroom. By the time the pungent smell wears off I’da typed one or two pages. We’ll see if my plan works……

…..Nope, it didn’t. As u can see/read I’m still stuck on page one after two hours! I really shouldn’t have put up a mirror in study room – well, after experience with H.A.R.M. I put up mirrors everywhere in the house – ‘cos instead of typing blog spent time making funny faces in the mirror and….kinda embarrassed to admit this but that hasn’t stopped me before….. since I was naked I re-enacted the scene from The Terminator where Arnie appears from the future. After about 30 minutes of trying and reckoned I had it down pat I moved on to more mundane stuff like drawing crooked eyes on a pillow and tackling it. This is not a desperate sign for attention it’s ‘cos I haven’t been in a fight in ages and not sure I’d know what to do if I got into one. Not that I’m banking on that happening soon but….man, I’m bored!

Okay lemme describe what the crib currently looks like. It’s a four bedroom apartment with only my pair of rooms and the living room decorated. If elusive roommate shows up then he gets to decorate his rooms the way he likes, if not I’ll convert one of the rooms into my workout/chill-out/philosophizing room and take out an ad offering the other room rent free to anyone that would cook for me.

Maybe ‘cos of PH experience where I musta spent a total of 3 months in a crib I rented for 2 years I didn’t wanna hang on to property again so when moving to Warri I gave out loadsa stuff including three window air conditioners. Huge mistake – like pregnant Salma Hayek breasts huge – ‘cos the ceiling fan doesn’t do much to ease the stifling heat in my room, so soon as this blog entry is published I am getting me some air conditioners. Yeah, can just see it now. It’d be so cool (geddit? geddit? Air conditioners and cool? Aw forget yous) to walk into room from bathroom after a hot shower and perform my Terminator re-enactment in front of massive mirror. It’d create a special effects-type feel, offering better credence to my acting, dontcha think? Okay I’ll move on now.

Most things of things I moved from PH are scattered around or still unpacked in cardboard boxes, but installed a new toilet seat day I moved in. Hey, I figured if I am gonna be spending time chilling there I might as well be comfortable. Speaking of the loo y’all wouldn’t guess what happened to me over the weekend when I went to PH to see 11-month-married mate’s baby daughter.

Arrived PH Friday night and while waiting on mate to pick me up wrongly decided to have isiewu at some nightspot. That stuff was crazy peppery but it didn’t occur to Einstein here that he has a sensitive stomach. Next morning had beans and bread for breakfast and felt like a champ. Hey, thought Wheaties is supposed to be the breakfast of champions. Hee hee. Later that Saturday stomach started playing tricks. Went to the loo twice in less than 30 minutes and when mate and I went out forced dude to make pit stops along the way ‘cos of stomach. I fear when next I’m in PH I’d see a pic of mine with a Do Not Let Him Enter sign pasted outside hotels ‘cos musta used at least three hotels to empty my bowels. Mate would park, I’d step to the receptionist and enquire about their rates then politely ask the direction to the restroom while walking sylph-like so I’d not give myself away. It got so bad almost postponed return trip to Warri on Sunday ‘cos didn’t wanna mess boxers up while travelling. Ended up using the loo 8 times in a 24 hour span. Dunno why I keep track of stuff like this, but I do. My lifetime record is using the loo 9 times in twenty-four hours. Coincidentally, that’s also my record for number of times I drank garri in one day. Yup, still dunno why I keep track of these things……

Experience in PH made me long for Marks & Spencers tiddy whities I used to wear as a kid. Man, u’d fart with those briefs on and no one would be the wiser ‘cos they’d store fart until u got home at night and took briefs off; it’s only then fart would expand to occupy house and asphyxiate parrots and other smaller pets. That’s why I’d not have been fazed if I’d on briefs instead of boxers on Saturday. Even if I had a bowel displacement the M&S briefs woulda stored the, ahem, contents tighter than a baby’s diaper…….and like a baby I’da probably felt uncomfortable and cried to attract attention until my bum was wiped with scented tissue and a new pair of briefs donned on me. Aaaaahhhhhhh.

I am okay now though, well my stomach’s okay but arm and chest muscles hurt. They hurt so much I could only do four laps – average is six, but record is eight – around jogging circuit earlier today. The pain’s due to pumping iron intensely yesterday after having not lifted weights in months. I’da paced myself ‘cos arms splayed while typing hurts – see what I do for y’all – but most painful of all is bending left wrist backward in order to wipe bum after taking a dump. Now if I had one of those Japanese loos/bidets where warm water rinses one’s bum and air freshener is sprayed while one’s doing the do, that would be the business, no?

Hey, how do I go from discussing about pain to taking a dump? A shrink could probably hazard a guess that I find myself detailing aspects of my loo adventures ‘cos my subconscious is signalling that I have some dirty laundry that needs airing. How do I know this? ‘Cos I took a Rorschach test once and ALL the ink blots reminded me of loo imprints on baby diapers. Serious.

Back then I dismissed the shrink as a quack but now that I think about it there’s an element of truth in what she posited. Yes, my subconscious may be trying to tell me something, but when our leaders of full of shite what else is my mind gonna home in on?

Okay I admit that was a poor way of segueing to the following paragraph, but cut me some slack, will u?

The Constant Budgeter
Obama’s transition team is ‘Al B. Sure!’ (Geddit? As in Al B. Sure’s In Effect Mode CD? Aw forget yous, u’d get it if u old school) Dude’s already announced his economic team and plans are afoot to introduce members of his security team soon. How long’s it taking Yar’Adua to nominate ministers and get confirmation from the Senate? Exactly! I know, I know. Promised I wouldn’t dwell on the fact that our Constant Budgeter’s watch seems to be set on geologic time, but recently conversated with a mate about the vindictive acts Obasanjo carried out during his presidency and dude believes installing Yar’Adua was his final F.U. to Nigerians. “Oh ungrateful Nigerians don’t want me to govern for a third term? Just wait ‘til they get a load of this guy. They’ll be praying for my return”, he reckons Obasanjo musta said to himself while feeding his chickens.

So we’ve been stuck with Yar’Adua for almost two years and what have we got to show for it? Diddly squat. I got so tired of being tired of complaining – yes, u read that right - that I called a mate, who’s been invited on TV a few times to discuss the state of Nigerian politics, to arrange an appointment for my next visit to Lagos. It is hoped that between us we can fashion out a reasonable way to make the voice of the common man be heard above the din of backslapping and high-fiving by members of the Legislature. The punks.

Wait, someone please explain this to me. Yar’Adua knows he’s only guaranteed 4 years, right? He knows in order to win the popular vote he has to accomplish a modicum of the 7 point agenda he keeps trumpeting, right? If so then why the inaction on his part? His administration has had so many u-turns on policies they like a dog chasing its tail. In other countries the opposition would be salivating at such bone-headed governing, highlighting what they’d do better than the incumbent and promising a CHANGE if we vote for them next time around. Instead the leaders of the non-PDPs huff and puff just long enough to get invited into the PDP family. Arrrggghhh.

Oh man, I am getting myself worked up again. Gotta change the topic, gotta change the topic….erm, erm, okay just this open letter to Yar’Adua and then that’s it.

Oi president! Wake up!!!!

U don’t know me and I don’t know much about u, but ur wife’s a fox so u can’t be all that bad. Lemme get to the point: Nigeria needs ur full attention NOW. I know u a meticulous planner, but it’s high time u got off ur planning butt and started implementing. Look at Lagos State for instance, the governor there has long-term plans but is also implementing projects to cater for the immediate needs of the people. Okay maybe u have similar ideas but dunno how to get ur message across. If so I apologize for painting u with the same brush as ur predecessors….and most of the current state governors (and their predecessors…and their predecessors’ predecessors…and, well u catch the drift).

“So how do I improve my communication skills”, u ask? Well, here’s what I think u’d do. Reach into ur inner child and let Nigerians see that part of u. For instance, if as a kid u dreamt of being body builder u can start wearing tight-fitting shirts and flex ur muscles a bit before addressing the Nigerian people. I promise u people would love seeing this humorous side of u, the international press would replay ur speeches over and over, u’d become a YouTube phenomenon, and Obama would be so jealous at the shift in attention he’d invite u to the White House so he’d ride ur coattails, and most importantly people around the world would know Nigeria no longer as the country of 419ers and kidnappers. Come on, if u love Nigeria as much as u say u do u’d at least try this.

On the local scene this new CHANGE in persona could also help to disarm ur critics. Peeps complaining u haven’t done nada about the religious crisis in Jos? How’s about u adopt the cadence of a televangelist in ur next speech?

My fellow Nigerians-uh, let us join together-uh and drive out this demon-uh. This demon-uh of religious intolerance-uh. Repeat after me: Religiousssss Intolerance-uh. Say to ur neighbour, say “Neighbour, I will no longer practise religious intolerance-uh. Look ur neighbour in the eye and say…” er, er, if u can’t see ur neighbour ‘cos of PHCN withholding power blame my corrupt predecessors. In fact forget about religious intolerance let’s cast out the spirit of corruption-uh… Ha.

Do what I suggest Mr. President and people would absolutely adore u. Promise me u’d think about it? Thanks.

Your fellow patriot,
Tunde X.

So to any of u out there with connections to the presidency please make sure Yar’Adua gets my letter. Aiight peeps, off to make more faces in front of the mirror while thinking of which dreary eatery to feast at tonight. Who knows if I get real bored might skip Terminator routine and try re-enact some other nude scene from the movies. Erm, erm, I got it! Those who want an impression of the scene from The Silence Of The Lambs where Buffalo Bill conceals his, ahem, privates and dances in front of the mirror say ‘aye’; those who’d rather I follow the men in the white coats standing outside my window who are pleading to be let in so they’d move me to a nice padded air conditioned room say ‘Tot ziens and God bless.’

PS
While drinking garri and taking a dump - it’s a Tunde thang called ‘recycling’ that I find myself doing at least once a year….yes, the nice men in the white coats kindly indulged me – it occurred to me why I keep track of mindless stuff like record number of loo visits within a time span. I am a trivia freak! Was never a fan but can still mention the full names of the New Kids On The Block – okay think I may have forgotten Danny’s last name – and names of the En Vogue ladies – Maxine was always my favourite ‘cos she had those real dark gums – and names of Michael Jackson’s siblings and the fact that Ricky Martin was once a member of Menudo and………..

PPS
Hi blog readers, Julio here. Yeah, I know it’s been ages since y’all read from me but I’ve been real busy designing my line of Razor Ramone wigs for aspiring faux Latin male strippers. BUT this ain’t about me. Y’all read the ranting in the last paragraph, right? How do y’all feel? Isn’t it obvious the dearth of home-cooked food in Tunde’s stomach is affecting his mental capacity? I urge those of u close enough to him to drop what u doing and rush to ur kitchens NOW!

PPPS
Er, Julio here again. Just so u know Tunde don’t like mushrooms, raw tomatoes (he loves ketchup though), eggs, pasta, olives, salad, bananas, peaches, pears, er, think that sums it up. Cheers.

Unlike other Nigerian actors I speak Queen’s Yoruba fluently

2008-11-20T22:35:00.000-08:00

Wadap! U must to cure my craze
Wadap! Everytime I see u I dey craze
Wadap!

Hola peeps. No pienso que he estado nunca lejos de usted para esto mucho antes.

Man, I’ve missed u guys!!!!! Trust me I wanted to write y’all sooner. Had so much stuff in my head to let out, there just wasn’t any opportunity to put them down on laptop; heck there wasn’t any opportunity to open the laptop in the first place. U know how I always kid that there’s no rest for the talented? Well, got to experience that 1st hand. U see after last blog entry….nah, nah I got a confession to make first.

Hi my name is Tunde and I am a fashion victim. While chilling in Lagos last week younger sister Mama came up to me and said, “Tunde, I am so sorry. Lola dropped these off a while back but forgot to give them to you. She said there are from aunt Jaiye.” Awww, dontcha just love Mama? More importantly dontcha just love presents? Yippeee.

Spent the next day at home so in one of my bored moments decided to try on the clothes Jaiye copped me. Hmmm, that’s strange, she left the price tag on the items…oh well. Tried on the polo shirt and it fit quite nicely. Being a true fashion victim I tried various poses with the collar up, collar down, collar tilted. Went with tilted collar.

Now time to try on the $24 pants. Strangely these pants had just a button and a little zipper. While trying to force them on I felt like those women one sees on TV who try to squeeze into pants. There I was sucking in, jumping, twisting. The thought even crossed my mind that the pants would fit better if I didn’t have any boxer shorts on. After several attempts I massaged myself into the pants (with boxer shorts on) and my unborn kids screamed out in pain as I tried to walk. Did that stop me? No sirree, I am a fashion victim darn it!

So I ~~walk~~ try to walk around the house with this crazy bulge in my crotch area like I am Michael Hutchence or something. It hurts like heck, but us fashion victims don’t give up that easily. So I hop to the TV room and choose a stretch left leg while bending right knee alignment as the most comfortable position for watching TV. I keep this up – barely - for the next hour b4 deciding to take off pants ‘cos the red hue this fashion victim’s face was increasingly taking on was starting to clash with the teal pants. Phew, relief!

As was the only one in the house at the time I padded down the, ahem, crotch area with scented talcum powder and walked around in a towel for the rest of the day. B4 I retired to bed I dialled Jaiye’s number in the US to thank her for the present. You gonna love her response: “Huh? No, I can’t remember copping u any clothes. U said what? Sorry, the connection is kinda bad….u said Mama said what? That Lola dropped off…..oh now I see. Ha. Lola musta got the message wrong. The clothes belong to Kinzo’s wife, she forgot them when she came visiting early this year.” That’s right my readers, I am a closet transvestite. Pssstttt, it’ll be our secret, right? Right? Come on, u guys gotta promise not to tell anyone.

Ahem, ahem, so where was I b4 I got the strange urge to embarrass myself? Yes, I remember now. U see after last blog entry was sent to an undisclosed location in the Niger Delta to pass on dance moves and what was supposed to be a one week gig ended up lasting 22 whopping days ‘cos most of the students had two bow left feet that pointed towards each other.

Left the location on my birthday and drove directly to the airport to cop plane tickets to Lagos. Called everyone I knew and told them Tunde would be returning to Lagos after almost 2 months away. Big mistake. Boss called a day later and instructed that I’d been booked on a chopper flight to the Niger Delta swamps ‘cos the client there requested for me specifically.

The days spent ‘entertaining’ Ma Baker and her loutish friends were the worst 10 days of my life. Yes, even worse than my telemarketing days as a student. As part of Her Attractive Royal Ma-ness’ – yes, she insisted we call her that - sick fantasy I was forced to spend my nights in some rat-infested, insect-plagued shack. Man, the things I do for money. Sob…sob….’cos one takes off most of one’s clothes – yes, I regard a glow-in-the-dark g-string as clothing – and dances for money don’t mean one doesn’t have feelings…..sob…sob.

H.A.R.M’s so sick she took away the mirror from the rooms – trust me it’s weird not knowing what ur face looks like for ten whole days – and disconnected the TV so when I wasn’t entertaining her crew I spent whatever free time there was sleeping and trying to overcome ennui. Knew it was time to concoct a plan that’s get me outta H.A.R.M’s way (geddit? geddit? Aw forget yous) when I started having crazy dreams like one where I was invited to the Playboy mansion only this time Hugh Hefner was a self-pitying Urhobo man with only one white chick in his stable. Also starting thinking what I regarded at the time as existential stuff like How did clapping hands evolve as a means of appreciating someone or giving someone a round of applause? Did Neanderthals start off by hitting head against rocks and thought that it didn’t sound as good, plus it hurt like heck? and How come chicks in ALL Indian movies have the same singing voice? and Who started the 555 stuff in Hollywood movie telephone numbers? Yup, it was that bad.

To add salt to the proverbial injury (of being forced to live in such dire conditions) H.A.R.M kept me away from her other male staff so only time we’d conversate was during meals. Man, I tell u it was worse than a prison movie. As a result of our treatment we bonded by exchanging sob stories about being done wrong by women. Mary J. Blige and Destiny’s Child woulda been so proud. The saddest, and somewhat funniest, was by this dude who told us about girls that left him when his financial status was dismal.

Broke dude: But I love u!
Soon-to-be dude’s ex: Ehen, na love I go chop? I don’t think this relationship is working, we should end it.
Broke dude: But…
Soon-to-be dude’s ex: But what? Okay give me five thousand naira to fix my hair
Broke dude: But u know I am still searching for paid employment and…
Soon-to-be dude’s ex: U see, just five thousand I requested and u no get. My friend, let me advise u. What u need now is a job not a woman…

Man, that story got me rolling on the floor in stitches. Those stories sure kept me going while the hours went by s-l-o-w-l-y. Craved for Lagos more and more ‘cos our story sessions reminded me of instances when male siblings and I would get together and while ribbing each other about dodgy antics towards women truths would inevitably spill out. The last time this occurred was earlier this year when I was in the UK. Among Kinzo, Loye, Jide and I we newly discovered:

i. someone’s ex was a bit of a gold digger who had a knack of spelling goodbye goodBUY in text messages; probably her subconscious coming to the fore

ii. about three of us had dated drama queens who had to be the centre of attention and got easily jealous. Coincidentally, or should that be unsurprisingly, they rated top two in good-looking stakes as compared to other exs

iii. the four of us have probably spent more money on platonic female friends we are genuinely fond of than exs on an individual basis

The experience working for H.A.R.M left me so weak – had a bout of malaria while there but wasn’t given any time off – I found myself swearing that once I raised enough funds to open my own male escort agency I’d do things differently and…. Who am I kidding? I most probably would exploit my workers worse than H.A.R.M, but at least I’ll do it with a sad ‘I am one of u and feel ur pain’ look on my face.

Googoo gahgah news: Y’all remember 11-month-married mate in PH? In April 2008 we had the ff exchange:

4-month-married mate: Dude, the wife’s pregnant!
Ecstatic Tunde: Good on ya man, good on ya. Congratulations. So, so proud of u…okay that whole ‘proud of u’ line sounded weird, huh?
4-month-married mate: Ha. Sure did. Man, I am gonna be a father.
Somewhat less ecstatic Tunde: Yup. More responsibility for u. Man, I am so glad I ain’t married. Better u than me bruv.
4-month-married mate: Gee, thanks.
Somewhat depressed Tunde: U know I’m kidding. A baby girl, woah.
4-month-married mate: What did u say? Who said it was a girl?
Tunde: Oops, sorry to throw that on u. Thought I’d told u about this skill I have. U see my older bro Kinzo has a talent for telling a girl’s bra size just by looking at her….
4-month-married mate: So?
Tunde: And my other bro Ayo has a talent for dating chicks with British or American passports..
4-month-married mate: Lol…no that’s not a talent that’s a well-honed skill, but go on
Tunde: Me, I seem to be able to predict a baby’s sex. I know u gonna laugh, but it’s true. For instance, I dreamt my cousin’s wife was gonna have a girl a full year before she even got pregnant. I can give u other cases where I’ve been right on the money. It’s not like I go to random peeps and tell them the sex of their unborn kids, just that with certain people I know these things.
4-month-married mate: Sure, sure
Disappointed-that-his-skill-is-being-doubted Tunde: I am serious dude! Okay let’s take a wager if u will. Dude, ur wife is having a girl.
4-month-married mate: Whatever man. I know I am having a boy, I just feel it.
Tunde: If u so sure about ur feelings then place a wager on it. No, no, forget what I said about the wager. I should only use my baby-sex-predicting power for good. Think my talent is to help expectant parents plan properly, u know cop pink clothes if they having girls and blue if they having boys, and a mix of blue and pink if they having a hermaphrodite. Ha huh ha huh ha. Hey, mixing blue and pink gives purple, right? Or is it magenta?
4-month-married mate: U need help man.

Last Sunday I get a text message from 11-month-married mate and wouldn’t u know it his wife gave birth to a girl. Thank u, thank u. I’ll be playing here all week. Like I told mate I dunno how I do it but I just know. What other skills do I have, u ask? Well, sometimes I dream about the weirdest thangs and they come through. While crashing at my cuz Femi’s house dreamt mom was mugged. An hour after I wake my sis Nike calls to tell me mom’s bag got snatched while shopping. That was in the UK. Two years later while in the ATL I dreamt Arsenal beat Birmingham City (5-1). ‘Cos of earlier experience I wrote the score down soon as I woke up. Sure enough later that day Arsenal beats Birmingham City by same score. Quite ironic ‘cos my Xtian name is Joseph! U couldn’t make this stuff up, huh?

My dream-coming-through skill happens once in a while so dunno if it can be classified as a skill or talent. One that’s just as consistent as the baby-sex-prediction is being able to tell what parent a person looks like. Again this only happens with certain individuals; I see a total stranger and can tell if they look more like their mom or dad. Now this is probably not as useful as helping parents choose right colour of clothes, but I’m sure it has its advantages…..though haven’t discovered any yet.

I seem to have gone off on another tangent (as usual). Memo to self: Do something about ur logorrheic writing. Anyways while in Lagos I visited two crushes that just had kids. Yes, I correctly predicted the sex of one of the babies.

I’ve written about this in a blog before, but still can’t fathom what happens to chicks’ diffidence soon as they give birth. Here I am visiting this chick I still have a li’l crush on and out pops a boob to feed her baby. She was a bit, ahem, big-bosomed b4 she got pregnant but now they are like…..like humungous water melons! If that wasn’t bad enough she’s describing how painful it feels. U see here…look now! Here just around the nipple, when the baby sucks it peels like the outer layer of a fruit so when it gets real sore I move the baby to the other boob. See how this nipple is darker than this other one….why u avoiding ur eyes? Lol…u’d better look so u’ll know what ur wife’ll go through….. Arrrggghhhhhh

When the going is going good
Many many people will be ur friend
When the going is going bad
Many of ur friends will run away

World news: So what’s been happening with y’all since last blog entry? Y’all still on a high after Obama’s victory? I tell y’all I was skipping between CNN, BBC and Sky News so much on the morning of the 5th my right thumb was sore for days. It was a wonderful feeling. Had to read the transcript of Obama’s victory speech though ‘cos went to bed after McCain’s concession speech. Poor Sarah Palin. As the campaign went on my crush on her started to fade, especially after I saw the Kate Couric interview where she couldn’t name a newspaper she reads. If u American and u reading this go thank God McCain wasn’t elected. Y’all avoided a big turd sandwich on that one.

Though the election is over there still remain some questions I want answers to:

1. To John McCain, my question is, was it worth it after all? U wanted something so bad u went extra negative and now u lost. Ur ‘maverick’ rep is in tatters and no one’s probably returning ur calls. If u think no one quite knows how u feel go Google ‘Obasanjo, Olusegun Aremu’. At times like these I listen to Garth Brooks’ Unanswered Prayers. U can bet after how Bush’s ruined America that’s the most played song on Al Gore’s iPod.

2. How does one become an undecided voter? U mean after a crazy long campaign these punks couldn’t make up their minds? Undecided my blistered left arse cheek. Really wanna tell me the sole black dude at the Obama - McCain town hall debate was undecided? Dude nearly ran over someone to take pics with Obama for goodness sake!

3. To CNN, what u guys gonna do with ur stupid hologram thingy now the election is over? What of ur magic board, Wolf and John King gonna use it to play noughts and crosses until 2012? In Nigeria we have a name for corporations like u: money miss road.

4. To my mates Omolola and Omotola (aka Obama stalkers), what u guys gonna do with ur time now? Ha. Man, Omotola (aka Moleculo) had such a man crush on Obama he labelled dissenting black voices ‘sellouts’. Had to call him out on his guilt by (non-Obama) association line after he dissed CNN contributor Amy Holmes. Come on, with a smile like that I had to stand up for her.

5. To Sarah Palin, y’all got phones over there in Alaska? How come u ain’t called me? Miss u.

Lagos news: Same ol’ same ol’. Gorged on movies as usual. U know how some James Bond fans were against the choice of Daniel Craig in the beginning, and one of the reasons was ‘cos “he looks weird”? Well, now I get what those folks meant. Wasn’t impressed with Quantum Of Solace, not after the exciting Casino Royale. Shoulda known it’d be a let down after the long, crap song accompanying the opening montage. Alicia keys and Jack White shouldn’t have wasted their time and ours.

Also saw Lakeview Terrace (aiight), Righteous Kill (not bad, better than I thought it’d be), and Pineapple Express. Now I loved, LOVED Pineapple Express. The action scenes were a bit over the top and not that relevant, but the flow of the movie was ace. The guy who played the character Red really stole the movie. His reason for shaving his armpits? “So I can aerodynamically fight”. Man, that movie sure took me back to when I used to toke a lot. It captured the actions of a quintessential weedhead and the camaraderie shared by weedheads. Did I tell u I loved the movie?

As usual was ace seeing family, and as usual mom tugged at the heart strings while trying to get me to eat. It wasn’t my fault, u see car I use in Lagos was kaput so whenever I obtained a ride I tried to do as much as possible. As a result I’d almost always get home when it’s too late to have a huge meal. On one of my sojourns I got a text message from mom: It’s amazing how u don’t have the time to eat in ur home. The boli I bought u 2 days ago is still in the fridge and u haven’t touched the fresh fish soup I cooked. God help ur wife. Lol…u gotta love this woman.

Discovered Ayo’s planned the family’s introduction to his fiancée’s family – yup, he’s really taking the plunge – for December. I’d write the date but with all the girls Ayo’s offended over the years I fear for his safety. Ha. U’da seen Chief when he told me, dude was beaming like the sun. Probably counting down the days ‘til the rest of us get hitched. Unfortunately, his dream of having all his kids married b4 his 70th birthday next year doesn’t look possible. Hey, there can only be one dreamer in this family, right? Also discovered dude’s chosen someone to pen his biography, the release date I suppose will coincide with his birthday. Nice.

When he told me about the biography I thought, Why didn’t he get me to write the biography? Sure writing a blog for over 4 years doesn’t qualify me as an ‘author’ but I am sure I could tell an okay story. Maybe he thinks I’ll embellish my impact on his life. If so, he’s probably right. Ha. But the least he coulda done was ask me. Oh wait a minute, the family’s not supposed to know I even have a blog. Ooops.

She's Saying That's Ok
Hey Baby Do What You Please
I Have The Stuff That You Want
I Am The Thing That You Need

Non-relationship news: Oh almost to forgot to tell y’all that soon as I left H.A.R.M and returned to Warri I moved stuff into new crib and flew to Lagos the next day. Man, sure missed the sight of traffic stretching out for miles.

Got home, hugged and kissed family, had a shower and jetted outta the house with my mom’s words, “Oh u not gonna eat before u go out? Guess I half-expected…u know having been away from the country for 3 months and all that u’d want me to cook for u….”, trailing me as I hopped in the car. Drove like Bond in Quantum of Solace, avoiding a broken down truck here, nearly swiping an okada there, but still didn’t get me to my location on time ‘cos of crazy traffic.

Arrived at her door, poured a bottle of water over my head to milk the sympathy vote for driving to her crib in a car without a functioning air conditioner, popped a tictac in mouth and practised over and over my ‘Man, see what I do for u? I wanted to see u so bad I had left home b4 I realized the car’s a/c was kaput. Plus my mom probably hates my guts that I left without eating’ line in front of the compact mirror – hey, it’s my new lucky charm! - I carry in my back pocket while waiting on the latest contender to be Neo’s replacement to open the door and drown me in hugs and kisses.

She opened the door, I mouthed off the aforementioned line, held open my arms, closed eyes and puckered lips for a kiss. After ten seconds and not so much as a chuckle I opened one eyelid and then the other. Hands on her waist and a ‘I’da listened when my friends told me u were a waste of space’ look sculpted on her face, she mouthed, “You are late” and walked back in.

Woah, what had I done this time? Wasn’t it last week that I apologized for not being in Lagos to celebrate the 6-month anniversary of the day we met? Wait a minute, I am conceding too much ‘cos I like this chick. Who friggin’ celebrates anniversaries of the day one meets another person? I am good with numbers and remember somewhat inconsequential stuff but have a feeling I am gonna have to cop a separate diary to keep track of events she considers worthy of commemorating.

I ignore her dramatics, offer to take her to the movies and she obliges. On way to the movies we have another argument over my declining her request to see my wallet. She goes on and on about how she knows all about me and I know nada about her and starts to quiz me about things in her life. Uh oh, and I thought Neo was an overreacting drama queen. Man, this girl is Merryl Streep, Glenn Close and Helen Mirren all rolled into one. I didn’t respond to any of the questions, good thang too ‘cos I didn’t have a clue as to any of the answers. Ha huh ha huh ha huh

We caught Lakeview Terrace and had dinner afterwards. Yup, more arguments, this time she complained about how ‘secretive’ I am and wondered why she’d not read my journal. Lol…good thang she doesn’t know about this blog. Dropped her off at her crib and drove home thinking I wasn’t gonna see her again. Showered, caught a glimpse of my protruding paunch in the bathroom mirror and promised myself I’d go jogging in the morning…..as if. Then the text messages start rolling in from the Mount Vesuvius of drama queens. She apologized for her actions earlier in the day and said she wasn’t sure what came over her. U what? If that wasn’t bad enough she called in the wee hours of the morning asking me to whisper sweet nothings to her. I obliged, but don’t think my reeling off Milky Bar, Smarties and other confectionaries was what she was expecting. Ladies and gentlemen, I think I just met the anti-Cinderella. Somewhere in all of this there has to be a Gregory Maguire book.

Aiight peeps, time to go to bed and have more dreams. I promise not to stay away so long next time. Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Oh man, oh man, how could I forget this! Saw Miguel (aka Mugu Number One) in Lagos and teased dude about being in Lagos for over 3 months yet he’s still single. So so glad dude returned to Naija ‘cos this was same dude asking why I’m single what with all the girls he sees in Naija wedding pics.

Anyways we go for his mate’s birthday party and dude’s dancing normally all night. Just when we about to leave Ne-Yo’s Miss Independent comes on and Miguel rushes back to the dance floor mouthing the lyrics with his arms wrapped around a pillar. Don’t need to delve into my box of skills to know dude is DESPERATELY looking for a chick who “walk like a boss, talk like a boss” and most importantly doesn’t ask him to recharge her phone with airtime. Poor mugu.

I pee easily so be careful what you give to me

2008-09-28T15:47:00.000-07:00

Hola peeps. ¡Imagínese el nervio!

So there I am in my penthouse basking in the euphoria of constant power, free cable, free internet access and free food when I get informed by the club management I would have to move out to make way for a newly hired dancer. I was flabberwhelmed! 11 months of bliss and now I’d have to look for a place and go back to the life of mere mortals by purchasing petrol for the generator, making my own bed, ~~cooking~~ hiring someone to cook my own food. Oh the pain, the pain. After two nights of uninterrupted wailing – yes, even guys with killer six-packs cry now and then – I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and set about the task of locating a crib in Warri.

On the first day saw a decrepit 4-bedroom place that needed loadsa work, and was gonna search for other spots ‘til a colleague suggested we share the place. Hmmm, tarred roads, excellent security – there’s a police station a street away – and now a potential roommate who’s willing to cook? Why slap me silly and call me Clay Aiken, I am sold.

Soon afterwards, scurried around for artisans to sort out electricity connection, plumbing, etc. Now this is where one discovers the shady nature of Nigerians. What right do we have to blame our venal leaders if when we get an opportunity we milk it for all it’s worth and hope to use that one opening to set ourselves up for life? Too disappointed to even go into it. U know u try to have faith in human nature and then folk just turn around and smack u upside the head. Reminds me of when I moved back to Naija in 2005 and mom would tell me to be careful how I dealt with domestic staff, mechanics, etc. “That’s ur problem mom,” I would chastise, “u must learn to trust people. How else are we gonna improve as a country?” Well, millions of naira, missing fave pair of jeans, missing fave pair of leather sandals, and stolen three wristwatches (and who knows what else?) later I get what she was trying to say.

U know how as a kid u had a help who beat u up and treated u like crap, and when u got older u wished she’d come back so u’d give her a taste of her own medicine? Well, I got my wish only I got mistreated again, and didn’t know it ‘til it was too late. Peep this: my earliest memory of a domestic staff is aunty Blessing. Can’t remember what she looked like but do recall she had the thickest hair ever. Aunty Blessing would force eba down our throats while she made fried plantain for herself, and would whup us and threaten even more whuppings if we blurted out her deeds to mom. Aunty Blessing resigned/was sacked when I was about 5, 6 years old and kept praying I’d bump into her as I got older so I’d kick her ass.

Fast forward to 2005 when my mom got a help called…wait for it….Blessing. Although this Blessing was from Akwa Ibom State while aunty Blessing was Ibo, she still tortured me, only in subtler ways. This Blessing also waited ‘til mom was away – she travelled to the UK for 3 months – to show her fangs. Mom had advised I lock my room whenever I was stepping out, but chided her on openness (see above). B4 too long all my watches had vanished, but thought they would reappear and that maybe I had carelessly left them somewhere. I finally saw Blessing as, ahem, aunty Blessing incarnate when I returned from work one evening and requested a meal of fish and fried plantain. “Brother, the plantain wey been dey house no gree ripe so I troway am. But I fit make eba for you sha.” Oh no, no, not again, another ‘Blessing’ was depriving me from my plantains. It was then the scales fell from my eyes.

After this recent Plantain-gate wanted to blog about it, but the words just wouldn’t come out. It wasn’t ‘til I started seeing a new shrink few months back that I have summoned the courage to count my, ahem, Blessings…..and name them one by one. Ha hee ha hee ha hee haw. Also considering titling my memoirs, A Tale of Two Blessings. It’s gonna double as a self-help book.

Saddest thang about the tale above is I still ain’t learnt my lesson. I still hope for a modicum of scrupulous behaviour from everyone, especially mechanics. ‘Cos of this I never haggle with mechanics, they tell me what stuff is gonna cost and I pay. The way I see it if I don’t haggle they ain’t gonna hike up their prices or say they bought fake parts ‘cos I haggled them down. And how has that worked for me so far? Let’s just say they tend to see dollar signs on my forehead whenever I stop by.

The way I am going I’m gonna snap someday and go all Falling Down on all mechanics. For instance, yesterday I drove off when the mechanic and his parts dealer tried to fleece me by doing their good mechanic-shylock trader routine. I’d just had enough; if I had stayed longer I swear I woulda run them over. Dude even had the ding-dongs to call this morning asking when he’d pick up the car. U what, what part of “since I gave u my car it’s been one thing or the other, and now ‘cos of u I’ll have to drive my car with no power steering, hope u are happy”, didn’t he understand? I channelled Sarah Palin and told him, “Thanks, but no thanks.” Quite disheartening ‘cos dude’s the second mechanic I have used in Warri, and though I knew he was fleeceing me, I didn’t say squat ‘cos he did good repairs, until now that is.

I left the first mechanic after he ‘supposedly’ bought some air conditioner parts for Parminder. When I asked him to show me the parts he had replaced he hemmed and hawed and said the parts were kept in his mate’s locker. I returned a few hours later and I got: Erm, erm oga, u no go believe am but thieves came by last night and broke open my guy’s locker. I swear they took everything. And he expected me to believe that? This was same dude who told me he’d bought a part for fifteen grand and when I told him I had requested the one that cost twelve grand he said, But oga, I don buy am and install am already! Ehen, okay ‘cos na u I go forfeit the three thousand balance. Here’s a riddle for y’all, what do u call an honest Nigerian mechanic? Asif. (U don’t get it? Not to worry it’ll hopefully come to you soon like Sarah Palin’s foreign policy credentials)

U know what, it’s all my fault. If only I’d stop dithering and just replace Parminder. Yes, Parminder Tunde’s not that into u. He don’t want u no more. U gonna get traded in babes. Read my lips: TRADED IN. SOLD. GONE like George Bush’s approval rating. FINITO like Yar’Adua’s goodwill. Ooops, promised not to talk about u know who again, didn’t I? My bad.

Ever since I wrote a blog a few months back about replacing Parminder she’s started acting up. I would open the door and discover the trunk would pop open as well. This went on for three straight days until I washed her with dishwashing liquid in holy water - Hey, here’s a joke: How do u make holy water? Boil the hell outta it! - and peed in the petrol tank. Then, it was the turn of the hood to pop open for no reason. Either this is another plot twist by the producers of my life’s version of The Truman Show or my car’s a Transformer.

After a few hypnosis sessions with the shrink I traced this weirdness back to some dude I call the magical mechanic. I refer to him as that ‘cos never seen him in dirty overalls or stained fingernails. I just drop my car off, he quotes an outrageous price, I pay, and voila Parminder is as good as new…okay, newish. And how did I meet the dude? Well, was at an eatery in Warri and she refused to start. Magical mechanic just happened to be passing by – or so he said - and offered to help. Hey, now that I think of it, it was all so convenient, no? Damn TV show producers!

Okay enough of car complaints. How y’all been? Moi? I am aiight. As stated above I’m currently running around like crazy cleaning up new crib, and trying not to get fleeced in the process. With all of this going on had to find time to visit PH to move household accoutrements to Warri. Jumped at the chance when a mate offered a ride to PH. Boy, was it a thrill a minute, and not in a good way.

First, he showed up late and an hour into the trip we saw a ghastly accident. Then we got flagged down by the police but dude said he saw them too late so he drove past the first obstacle in the road. Little did we know that the copper had signalled his colleagues manning the final obstacle, so as we drove past they pushed an engine block across the road that damaged dude’s left rear tire. We drove on for a minute or so until we saw the welcome sign of a vulcanizer’s shed. What we didn’t know was where we parked was the only route to the police station, so it didn’t take long for the officers to come across us. Soon as he saw them mate started remonstrating, saying they had stopped him too late and now his tire’s ruined. Officers asked for his car papers, he handed them over and was winning his argument against them - u see in regular Nigerian society even if u wrong raise ur voice to decibels that would cause a minor earthquake and u more than likely would get away with any offence – until an eagle-eyed officer observed his driver’s license had expired. Uh oh.

They took him to see their sergeant and as these things go they asked for 10 grand else he’d be locked up for the weekend. Now I wasn’t too avid a fan of LA Law to argue for my mate’s release so with the help of an elderly gentleman that coincidentally knew mate from Lagos we beat the officers down to 2.5 grand. Yup, second time in consecutive blogs I have been involved in graft. Man, my future political opponents are gonna have a field day with this.

Now I understand mate was at fault – he confessed to not knowing his license had expired – but u’da seen the way the arresting officers acted. Sometimes I feel for our men in black ‘cos they live in a hypocritical society where we pay them about 17 grand a month and yet expect them not to engage in duplicitous activities. C’mon. That’s why even when my documents are complete and I get stopped I still give them a li’l something. However, when they act all high and mighty and openly extort money from regular citizens it gets my blood boiling – yes, even guys with killer six-packs get miffed now and then – and I look for ways to get even. For instance, if I had written this blog earlier in the week I won’t have resorted to what I am about to do, but seeing as Arsenal lost to Hull yesterday - that’s 2 losses already y’all – someone’s gotta pay. The arresting officer that solicited a bribe is Ndubuisi Nwachukwu with badge number 401683, at least that’s what was stitched on his uniform. If u think this is being mean then u don’t know the half of it ‘cos I still recall the first policeman – saw him directing traffic during last visit to Lagos - that took a bribe from me some months after I returned to Naija; it was a Sunday and was on my way from church to take then girlfriend out to brunch. He and his taller colleague – don’t remember that dude’s face – falsely accused me of jumping a red light. U just wait ‘til I get his details…..

So now that I got that outta my system, what else did I get up to? Oh yeah, by the time we left the police station we had lost two hours. Rest of ride to PH was uneventful, though we got stopped by more coppers, but these guys were friendly. Actually bumped into one who prayed for us. Yup, he called himself Pastor Mopol and for some reason his nom de plume reminded me of some dude that appeared on some cancelled BET talk show proclaiming to be a Homo thug. As the name implies he’s a gangster rapper who is proudly gay. Yeah, since we on this tip what the deallie with Lindsay Lohan? Read last week that she’s in a relationship with some female DJ. Sure. Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce u to the newest graduate of the Anne Heche school of straight-gay-straight-gay Hollywood publicity seekers…..Miss Lindsay Lohan.

Other entertainment news: Paul Newman, a fine actor and even better human being, passed away last night. May God bless his soul and console his family.

Nate Dogg’s reported to be doing fine after surviving a second stroke. Hey, how old’s this dude anyway? I reckon he got the 1st stroke after Akon usurped him as the go-to-guy for singing hooks on hip hop songs. Second one was after he realized T-Pain’s passed him as well. Guess Chris Rock was right about the music industry: here today, gone today. All in all One More Day is still one of my fave hip hop songs. Who woulda thunk the lyrics would apply to Nate Dogg so?

And in Nollywood news……yeah right.

PH News: So get into PH late and married mate picks me up. Then we hang out with the guys for a bit b4 I feign tiredness and suggest we leave. Pssttt, married mate doesn’t know this, but his wife called me b4 he showed up and told me to ensure we return early ‘cos she doesn’t like her husband staying out at night. Hey, she feeds me whenever I am in PH so I gotta do whatever she says.

Was ace seeing the guys again and when I asked about a notable absentee was informed he was baby-sitting for his fiancee’s sister. Hey, these things happen.

Struck an interesting conversation with another mate who tells anyone that’ll listen about his readiness to settle down. Among the ‘original’ PH crew he and me are the only single ones left, so there’s kinda an unspoken competition not to be the last unmarried dude. Yeah, so we talking and he’s asking me to hook him up…

Tunde: Now why in goodness would I hook u up? U think I wanna be the last one to get married? Dude, misery loves company.
Mate: Ha. But u gotta hook me up. Remember the lengths I went thru to get u that girl’s number?
Tunde: Which one?
Mate: The one that works at Zenith Bank! How did that go anyways?
Tunde: Oh yeah, I remember. Well, dunno if I owe u anything considering she failed the 3-phonecalls-and-ur-number-gets-deleted test…
Mate: That bad, huh? Okay, but u gotta hook me up
Tunde: Okay if u insist. A mate introduced me to this girl in PH and reckon u might like her.
Mate: Is she fine?
Tunde: Heck yeah
Mate: Then why ain’t u interested? Okay if she’s so fine how come she’s single and….what’s wrong with her?
Tunde: U just unbelievable dude. First, u ask for a hook up now u act all flaky, looking for an excuse in case stuff don’t pan out as u want. U remind me of this punk I know called Miguel. He does the same thang.
Mate: Hey, a brother just wants to know….
Tunde: Okay how about this? U a good looking guy, no? U got a nice job, nice crib, nice house, make good money, how come u single? What’s wrong with u? Maybe u a serial killer, maybe u got a cornucopia of STDs. Yeah, maybe that’s it, maybe that’s why u single.
Mate: Ha. Okay I get ur point. So when do I meet her?
Tunde: Well, that depends if u’ll be willing to sign this sheet that states if u guys fall in love y’all won’t get married ‘til after I get hitched…

The next day I returned to my house to pack and wondered why I rented the crib in the first place, considering in two years I probably spent all together less than 3 months in the place. Had some good memories though.

Later that day saw Arsenal beat Bolton (3-1) – now those were the days – and attended some shindig. Saw an empty seat and no sooner had I rested my derriere did some chick start a conversation about nothing in particular. Then, Shania Twain’s You Are Still The One came on and this lady sorta became emotional. What a beautiful song. I am gonna play this on my wedding day. Why do u men always run away at the first little bump in the road? U see my ex…no, I WILL NOT TALK ABOUT HIM. Anyways, u know that Shania wrote the song about her husband, right? Nobody thought they’d make it but they’ve been married for so long now. Didn’t have the heart to tell her that Shania and Mutt Lange are no longer together. As if to further buttress my point Whitney’s I Will Always Love U came on next. Lol, two now-divorced songstresses one after the other. How ironic.

As the night wore on it became obvious that the DJ was only interested in playing slow songs. Hmmm, maybe he’s Miss Talk-A-Lot’s ex; now wouldn’t that be interesting? While grabbing some bbq I heard a Naija song with a nice beat, but the most hilarious song lyrics. I think I heard I just wanna gbe e saya, like a pillow/Baby se se de (Interpretation: I just wanna place u on my chest, like a pillow/Baby quickly come over). Now ain’t that hilarious, the combination of Yoruba and English like that? Okay, here’s a disclosure: I THINK I heard those lyrics but cannot be sure ‘cos last time I thought I had happened upon a hilarious song lyric I was way off base. Y’all remember the popular Yoruba Xtian song Ko so ba bi re? There’s a part in the song where the singer repeats Ko so ba, ko so ba over and over again. Well, ahem, ur fave blogger thought he heard cassava, cassava instead and wondered allowed if the lady was lauding (then Nigerian president) Obasanjo’s promotion of cassava cultivation and export. U’da seen how family members laughed at me.

Oh, u think that’s bad? I definitely recall different peeps swearing (with explanations as to why they were right) that the chorus to Snoop Dogg’s Serial Killer (from the Doggy Style CD) was not Serial Killer, but :

1. Stereo Killer (’cos Snoop songs are so dope they murder ur stereo)
2. Snoopy Dogg July (’cos Snoop was born in the month of July)

Vaguely remember younger sister Seyi switching Warren G’s Regulate lyrics to …they took my rings, they took my BRACELET. Yup, one’s gotta watch out for those bracelet-wearing LA gangsters, no? Ha. If y’all are bored and wanna join in the fun at home try putting on any SEAL CD taking turns to see how u do. Or if you have a life………

Warri news: Say what u want about PH but they got some impressive women. Warri, on the other hand…….let’s just say that sometimes one would rather have a conversation without pidgin English thrown in copiously. Maybe I hang out at the wrong spots, but man, it’s almost as if the women here can’t live without pidgin English. I know I am generalizing, but…okay peep this: A few months back mates come into town and decide to go clubbing. While about to cop tickets I notice this girl standing on her own so I strike up a conversation. She tells me she’s with her friend and they on the look out for someone to pay their way in. U what? Normally this would raise flags, but she spoke fluent English! I go back to the guys’ huddle and while pretending to make audibles like I am Peyton Manning I tell them I just experienced the equivalent of seeing The Abominable Snowman. The guys don’t believe me so they send another on a reconnaissance mission. Dude returns and blurts out, “she cannot be from Warri! She speaks good English. Who cares if her request is dodgy, I say we pay for her and her friend just on the strength of her English.” And they say education no longer opens doors….

Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
In case u were wondering, yes, the girl from the club was not from Warri, just visiting for a few days from Benin. Come on Warri, I am gonna be here at least for the next year, surprise me please.

I got my drink and my two-step

2008-09-02T15:31:00.000-07:00

Hola peeps. ¿Yo le faltó, usted me faltó?

It’s 8.36pm on Monday night and raining like crazy in Warri. Y’all remember how I have been commending the Delta State governor for the good roads in the Warri environ? Well, slap me twice and call me Faye ‘cos the rains have exposed the sham that’s regarded as road construction. What’s wrong with us Nigerians? Would it kill us to do a good job for once in our lives? Woosah…woosah…I swore - yes, I did. I even executed the whole index finger touching ground, then touching tip of tongue, then pointing index finger to the sky thang that only Nigerians would understand - that I would no longer complain about the goings-on, or in Yar’Adua’s case the non-goings-on (u see I am doing it again!), in the Nigerian political scene. Nah, since this is probably last time I am gonna blog about his incompetence I’d better let stuff off my chest.

U know what really gets me, it’s this rudderless ship he calls a government. Today he’s for something, tomorrow he does a volte face; come on, make up ur mind already! For instance Yar’Adua chose rightly not to recognize Mugabe’s electoral triumph yet few days later he’s supporting Sudan’s al-Bashir against the International Criminal Court (ICC) indictment ‘cos Sudan is a “sovereign nation”. Oh I see, and Zimbabwe is what exactly? This dude is…..arrrggghhh.

Never thought it’d happen, but Yar’Adua is making me understand why the Americans voted for Bush twice, at least Dubya stood stubbornly to his deleterious cause of action. In a sure sign that we badly need a change – apologies to Obama – the topic on everyone’s lips is the state of Yar’Adua’s health. The minister of misinformation professes that Yar’Adua is hale and hearty, but no one knows where he is; almost as if he’s the Scarlet Pimpernel, only he ain’t rescuing anyone from anything. Who’s ruling the country now? Surely, not the vice president who hasn’t come out to make a statement on nada let alone the propaganda war between MEND and the Nigerian military (on whether or not military personnel were killed in MEND’s latest assault.) Man, those MEND punks sure are jokers. Now they demanding a construction company they had earlier asked to quit Nigeria to return to the Niger Delta in order to develop the place. No, keep blowing up pipelines leading to more environmental degradation and see if that helps in development. These guys and Yar’Adua deserve each other; they both clueless as to what they want.

Yes, I know this Tunde is angrier than normal, but just can’t help it. I am crazy tired of same ol’ complaining and shrugging of the shoulders. To be honest ever since my return from Liberia – more on that later – I have noticed drastic changes in my attitude. Peep this:

Scenario 1: Tunde comes across peeps going off on Nigerian corrupt public office holders.
Pre-Liberia Tunde would joyfully add his two cents (or two naira forty kobo if the exchange hovers around $1 to N120…man, I am such a geek!)
Post-Liberia Tunde listens to their rantings, smiles, walks round the corner then bangs his head against a wall ‘til his vision gets hazy and he sees dead ~~people~~ corrupt leaders.

Scenario 2: Some chick Tunde ain’t particularly fond of keeps flashing/beeping him.
Pre-Liberia Tunde would call back….eventually.
Post-Liberia Tunde waits ‘til the wee hours of the morning when he knows she’ll be asleep then flashes/beeps her back, laughing maniacally as he does so.

(Some background on scenario 2: Sometime last year while having lunch at some eatery in PH I overheard this chick screaming down the phone ‘cos the party on the other end was late to pick her up. As it was getting late and PH traffic being what it is I stepped over to her table and asked if I’d offer her a ride. She smiled, thanked me for the gesture and assured me her ride would show up. As I walked away she called after me and asked for my number, so I gave her. Worst mistake like ever!

She called that night, “Hi, I am the girl from the restaurant. My name’s X and this is my number.” Called her a few times to say hello and then the flashing began. Sometimes I’d ignore it, other times I’d call her back, then like a, ahem, flash of lightning - geddit? geddit? Aw forget yous - she stopped calling. Phew.

So there I am in PH few months back when I receive a call from a strange number. It was Miss X. I tell her I am PH for a few days and she promises to stop by my hotel. She shows up with a friend and b4 I’d ask about her well being she blurts out, “We hungry o.” Hmmm. As the hotel kitchen’s closed I ask if they’d settle for something from the suya spot nearby. They ask for a sum and I hand it over. Imagine my surprise when they show up with stuff costing less than a fifth of what I forked over. “Hey”, I tell myself, “if they wanna keep the change that’s up to them.” They then take over my TV watching Africa Magic – arrrggghhhhh - until past 11pm, all the while ignoring my subtle hints about needing some zzzzz. Time to go so I walk Thelma and Louise down the stairs and give them bucks to charter a cab. Being the quintessential gentleman I offer to hail a cab but Miss X (aka Thelma) refuses and instead they hop on an okada – who woulda thunk they operate that late? I was flabberwhelmed. There’s taking the piss and there’s grabbing the entire WC; they did the latter and then some. If that ain’t enough Miss X insists on flashing continuously. Would it kill these peeps to send a text message now and then or……woosah…woosah….)

So what happened in Liberia that’s brought about this change? Dunno. Maybe something happened during week spent in Lagos prior to trip to Liberia or week b4 that spent on a course in PH. Either way I have decided I ain’t gonna complain anymore, but spend my energy seeking out feasible solutions instead. Of course I’ll still publish stories of government malfeasance in the Articles of Interest section of the blog, but gonna try to make a change by exploring the option of running for public office. I’m serious.

Spent three nights in Monrovia and it was just about enough. Not that I didn’t enjoy myself it was just that, how do I say this, Monrovia reminded me too much of Lagos. I mean why would I take off from Lagos only to arrive in Lagos; makes no sense, right? Before I go on here’s a quick recap of Tunde’s week in Lagos.

Saturday August 16th: Flight from PH landed at 4pm and rushed home to get changed as had a wedding to attend. Showered, changed and looked a million bucks but couldn’t get in touch with mate who had the invite – it was the wedding of a military top brass so no invite no entry – so skipped the wedding and caught Get Smart (which was quite funny) with Mama and her hot doctor friend I have a crush on.

After dropping off hot doctor at her crib got stopped by the police – they were hating on my blazer of many colours (that Dolly Parton’s mama made for me) - who asked for the car papers and discovered they had expired. Asked Mama why her car papers were allowed to lapse and she offered the quaint, “No one ever stops me, especially after they sight my white coat hanging at the back and realize I am a doctor”. Alrighty then. After hemming and hawing – and suggesting I drive to an ATM when I told them I didn’t have much cash on me - the coppers settled for two grand. Not bad for a night’s work, eh?

(In case y’all are wondering why I am giving a detailed account of my involvement in graft it’s to prove to y’all that even brothers with killer six-packs err sometimes…..and also to get my dirty laundry out in the open b4 someone does a Sarah Palin on me. Besides, I believe in full disclosure and, wait, that sounds like a winning catch phrase. FULL DISCLOSURE. If Yar’Adua and his cronies can use ‘Rule of Law’ as reason for their tepid performance in office, when I become president I’d use ‘Full Disclosure’ as a get-out-of-jail card for everything from authorizing phone taps to explaining my penchant for holding press conferences wearing only boxers shorts.)

Sunday August 17th: Woke up early for church. Visited mates that live on the Island then attended a ‘surprise’ – only surprise was being the first person to arrive at the venue a full thirty minutes b4 anyone else - shindig of a mate going to the UK for her Masters.

Monday August 18th: Routine dentist appointment turned into wisdom tooth being pulled out. If that wasn’t bad enough while walking down the street with chest protruding – Memo to readers: It always helps to purchase shirts two sizes too small to create the impression one is more buff than normal - and strutting my stuff like the Bee Gees in the Staying Alive video the sole of my left shoe split open just as some foxy older lady – Paging Bimbo Oloyede from Channels News! Paging Bimbo Oloyede from Channels News! - was checking me out. I hopped to the car and drove around the Island ‘til I found a cobbler.

How do I explain unfortunate turn of events that day? Coincidence? Karma? Fate? Nah, M-I-G-U-E-L . Yes, the punk’s moved back to Nigeria ‘cos he couldn’t find anyone sad enough in the US to marry him. He was the first person I saw that day and reckon he’s imported his ATL ‘jazz’ with him. Get thee behind me Miguel!

Later, had lunch with mate’s wife’s sister I have a crush on and caught The Dark Knight.

Tuesday August 19th: Saw The Mummy 3 with mate’s wife I have a crush on and her friend who I don’t have a crush on. Then caught The Dark Knight again - ‘cos missed first ten minutes yesterday while waiting on mates…or maybe that’s Miguel’s influence as well – with ‘my small wife’ (aka Seyi’s childhood friend I have a crush on), but missed the first 5 minutes this time. Arrggghhhh. Miguel, Miguel, Miguel. How many times I call ur name? No talk say I no warn u o.

Wednesday August 20th: Spent entire day at home.
That’s right Neo if u reading this, I didn’t move an inch from the crib. U always said I couldn’t stay still, almost as if I had ants in my pants. Well, I am so still I am statuesque baby. So, erm, u gonna call me? Sob….sob…please call…sob

Thursday August 21st: Stopped by Unilag to see some dude working on a website for my presidential campaign. Also bumped into mate’s sister I still have a crush on, though she’s married and 7 months preggers. It wasn’t ‘til I left Unilag for the Island I remembered I shoulda called Miss Y.

(Some background: A few months ago while working out in my penthouse – u’da seen my abs - I received a call from someone called Miss Y. Turns out she is Mass Communications student at Unilag – or so she says - and was calling to find out who I was ‘cos she saw my business card while ruffling through some old documents and couldn’t remember for the life of her where we met.

Couldn’t recollect either. Seeing as the male exotic dancing industry is so close-knit it’d be possible she got my card from a client. Anyways we have kept in contact since – hey, she doesn’t flash/beep so that’s a brownie point - and had promised to call her when in Lagos. Ooops.)

Got to the Island and hung out with one set of mates over lunch and another over dinner. Then it was off home to pack for trip to Liberia.

Liberia news: Something was quite ominous about the trip. First, boarding pass disappeared after I placed it with other travelling documents in tray b4 passing it through those x-ray machine thingies at MMIA. I kinda get that socks vanish into thin air in washing machines, but boarding passes getting swallowed by airport x-ray machines? Come on! Haba Miguel, wetin I do you?

Later, just as plane is about to lift off the ground the pilot slams on his brakes hard as if he’s driving a molue. The lady behind me is screaming Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, as the pilot explains he was asked to delay take off ‘cos a plane was approaching for a landing. Miguel, ur efforts will not work. Worst part of this was looking out the window and seeing carcases of some burnt planes – noticed a few Nigeria Airways planes – on the grass straddling the runway. What gives?

Stop over at Accra to let passengers off, and had some time to kill so struck up conversations with the air stewardesses and discovered ALL the Aero Contractor stewardesses on this international flights have extra white teeth. Maybe it’s a one-off but couldn’t help thinking management purposely recruited them for their toothpaste commercial smiles, while sending those with tree bark-hewed teeth to man local flights. Y’all may think I am paranoid but the Nigerians among u suspect I am telling the truth. For sure y’all musta noticed the well-endowed chicks at GLO Customer Care offices – yes, that’s Nigeria’s answer to Hooters – or the predominance of light skinned chicks at Zenith Bank branches. Yes, Miss W you are extremely qualified for the position and we would love to have you work for us, BUT there’s just one tiny problem. Erm, on ur resume u say u crave challenges, so here’s a challenge for u: How would u feel changing ur skin pigment? Not to worry we are very professional here, and u can be rest assured u won’t end up having purple patches on ur skin….. Ha hee ha hee ha hee.

So where was I? Okay, so I am chilling on the plane at Accra one minute then the carnival starts. Either Liberians, like Nigerians, don’t believe in carrying light hand luggage or they, like Nigerians, travel with loadsa luggage. This and other experiences in Liberia convinced me that Nigerians and Liberians are distant relatives. The people look the same, they act the same, only way u can tell us apart is the lovely sing-song way Liberians talk. It’s sheer joy to listen to them talk.

Flight lands in Monrovia about 11am on Friday August 22nd and the immigration officers are as glum-faced as their Nigerian counterparts. While waiting on my Liberian mate Salome to pick me up I wander around and if it wasn’t for the accents and the small airport u’d swear – yes, the whole finger-floor-tongue-sky thang - u were in Lagos. Guys kept trying to offer me a taxi even after I told them repeatedly I wasn’t interested.

While people watching I observe this Nigerian dude, Ibo to be precise, get into an argument with the airport security. Peeps, believe me, u haven’t lived ‘til u hear an Ibo guy speak with a Liberian accent. Oh man, almost keeled over laughing. Man, u gotta love us Nigerians, we are everywhere. That wasn’t my only encounter with fellow Nigerians in Liberia. The next day while chilling at a bar with Salome, her friend Winnie and their boyfriends this Ibo guy walks up to the table and introduces himself as a sales representative for a company that manufactures herbal medicine that aids one’s sexual prowess. While we having a good laugh about this Salome’s boyfriend asks him for the cost of a sachet, and dude replies he only sells them in bulk. U what?

As only spent a short time in the country I didn’t get up to much, though almost got arrested on first day in the country for trying to take a pic of the police headquarters. Hey, there were no signs stipulating that pics weren’t allowed. Was taken to see the police commissioner – on his desk was a framed photo he took with Bill Clinton – to explain myself. While there some huge dude wearing Senegalese outfit – later discovered he’s a big shot in the army – barged in enquiring about the dude caught taking pics of the police headquarters. Lol…less than 3 hours in the country and I am already a celebrity. I explained myself and told him I hadn’t taken any pics of the place. After he scans pics in camera he directs me to some dude in public relations. By this time I don’t really want the pic anymore, but chose to see the public relations guy ‘cos don’t wanna offend army dude or Mr. Clinton’s close pal. In a move that proved Liberian and Nigerian civil servants are alike the guy tells me as it’s nigh on closing time and I’d have to return on Monday. “But I depart for Nigeria on Monday”, I protested. “Besides isn’t Monday a public holiday where y’all celebrate Flag Day?” Typical.

So what information did I garner from my trip?

1. We all have our li’l idiosyncracies: Liberians place tissue on a bottle top before opening, so that one can use tissue to wipe the brim of the bottle before placing on lips; Ugandans tend to count in orders of 7, e.g. “Ur food will be ready in 7 minutes, sir”, while Nigerians – and everyone else - count in multiples of 5.

2. Liberians don’t get why Nigerian funerals are more like huge parties.

3. I wasn’t surprised with Liberians’ love for Nigerian movies and music – got over that after trip to East Africa – but everywhere I went Akon’s Hold My Hand or Wyclef Jean’s Anything Can Happen was being played. The latter’s quite old (1998 I think) so don’t get why it’s still on heavy rotation here. Maybe there’s something about the lyrics of both songs that appeals to Liberians.

4. I don’t get why Salome – or anyone in particular – would love No Air by Chris Brown and Jordin Sparks so much. She played it so often one day I actively listened to the lyrics and all I can say is it’s the equivalent of a Nollywood movie. Just when u think the song’s about to end the producer makes it longer by insisting they repeat the word, ‘air’. Do u know how many times the word ‘air’ comes up in that song? 50. That’s right, five-zero! I counted…..yup, I need to get a life.

All in all it was a good trip and on the eve of my departure I bumped into my friend the army big shot at The Embassy night club. Dude was decked in full camouflage – hey, that’s one way to avoid paying the gate fee.

Tot ziens and…hold on, just wanna flash that girl again, hee hee haw haw….God bless.